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Stepchild treated differently

(72 Posts)
dogandwhistle Fri 05-Apr-19 11:55:11

My SIL and BIL have a child together, BIL has a child from first marriage. SIL and BIL are very, very competitive. Very high standards and high expectations of the child they have together. BIL child wants to go to university. BIL says No. Doesn't see the point in it. I know for a fact that he would allow his child with SIL to go. I think they actually just don't want to pay for child to go as it will take money away from them. I am annoyed with them and think they are treating his first child differently. I know it is none of my business. But it annoys me. I think they are being unreasonably not supporting his desire to go.

ScreamScreamIceCream Fri 05-Apr-19 11:58:12

If the step child lives with their mum then only the mother's household income gets taken into account.

Tell the stepchild to put down they live with their mother if she is obliging and get her to sort out student finance. Then hint to the child they know who to invite to graduation.

Merryoldgoat Fri 05-Apr-19 12:00:17

What’s the whole story?

I’m principle I think your BIL sounds unreasonable, however is the child suited to university? Is there a question mark over the choice of course etc?

Or is it simply selfishness?

If the latter then of course your BIL isn’t being a very nice person.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Fri 05-Apr-19 12:11:10

Unless the child is prodigy and reading pure and applied maths with astrophysics as at mythical Oxbridge aged 11, then the child will be an adult and can make their own post 18 decisions. In reality, we all know, (sweeping generalisation) women make the majority of the child based decisions in families. BIL will have little or no say in whether either child attends uni, but the mothers will be the driving influencers.

Moving on for a moment, I've seen young adults with 2 E grade A levels and poor E&M GCSE results go to uni - it was parental expectation that made them go, to do substandard, pointless courses and get a barrow load of debt. Uni is not for everyone, and I'd go so far as to say uni courses should be looked at in depth as to whether they are actually required to progress in life. Perhaps BIL is a little more aware of his childs limitations and capabilities than you ?

Perhaps the second child might not want to go to Uni – as you say, it isn’t your business. But if you feel so strongly, perhaps you can sub the first child and financially support him?

dogandwhistle Fri 05-Apr-19 12:19:07

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking - BIL does have a say actually as he is the dominate controlling parent out of the two. So that is rubbish. It's not about capabilities it's about finance. BIL doesn't want to spend any money from new family pot. If I could sub him I would.

GreenTulips Fri 05-Apr-19 12:24:00

DN needs to apply and any loans are based on family income - on the assumption the parents pay the difference

Those who don’t need to get jobs to see them through

Maybe with your guidance he can apply for uni and escape

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Fri 05-Apr-19 12:24:32

The child is a post 18 adult and capable of making their own life choices. Stop infantilising them.

Romax Fri 05-Apr-19 12:26:26

If he wants to go to university, he can.

Student loan. Working.

The fact his father won’t pay doesn’t mean he can’t go

dogandwhistle Fri 05-Apr-19 12:27:53

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking - I am not infantilising them. It was easier to explain by called them a child. There is a lot of control here so won't make their own decision freely.

dogandwhistle Fri 05-Apr-19 12:29:08

They just constantly discourage it, but I know they would not do that with younger child.

Romax Fri 05-Apr-19 12:32:44

Perhaps so

But at 18, the fact my father wasn’t encouraging me to do something would not have stopped me pursuing university

dogandwhistle Fri 05-Apr-19 12:34:27

It is really about that. It's about the double standards. First child against second child.

PlantPotParrot Fri 05-Apr-19 12:35:02

why would he need to pay for it?

dogandwhistle Fri 05-Apr-19 12:39:01

BIL just keeps saying, I'm not paying anything towards to it. Why should I when I don't agree with it etc etc

Amongstthetallgrass Fri 05-Apr-19 12:40:06

It’s not BIL or SIL choice of step child goes to uni. What a weird thread.

If child wants to go they can confused

Romax Fri 05-Apr-19 12:40:32

If what you’re saying is true then undoubtedly that is unfair.

But if I were you I wouldn’t be focussed on that.

I’d be focussed on supporting my nephew if he wants to go to uni. Not financially as you say you can’t do that. But emotionally and practically

dogandwhistle Fri 05-Apr-19 12:40:45

To live up to his standards on appearance etc it would also mean buying clothes, trainers for longer.

Hollowvictory Fri 05-Apr-19 12:41:39

So they don't have high standards at all!
Yanbu this is rubbish

dogandwhistle Fri 05-Apr-19 12:42:21

It's not weird. I think they have double standards across the board! This is just the latest thing. I could give you a list if you want. They are putting the idea down and not supporting yet would with other child. I think it is totally unfair.

dogandwhistle Fri 05-Apr-19 12:43:08

Sorry to clarify- to live up to BIL standards.

flumpybear Fri 05-Apr-19 12:53:28

Depends on what the children want to study and if they're hitting their grades. So many young adults go to uni and screw it up

If the older child really wants to go then perhaps he should investigate funding and loans but with the angle that one parent will not support him - see what there is out there for support

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 05-Apr-19 12:53:59

What do you want us to do about it?

You are infantilising them. They can apply off their own backs, get loans and a job. Loads of people go to uni from families who can’t afford to support them.

You’re looking for a fight and seem to think a thread criticising a separated dad, a neglected stepchild and a horrible second wife will do it. Not going very well is it?

HerRoyalNotness Fri 05-Apr-19 12:55:11

It is completely unfair!

I get it, why your nephew feels he can’t go as being controlled by father. In my household it was an unspoken thing that we would. It go to uni, well spoken about a few times early on. It just wasn’t a choice and our mother was extremely controlling. If you’ve grown up that way it ms very difficult to go against the norm, in fact it didn’t even enter our heads to do something different. A shame as my brother was very smart and his life has been rubbish. For me I’m finally doing a degree mid 40s and wish I’d been able to do it younger.

Please talk to your nephew and help him see it’s his choice to go, help him work out funding and look for courses. If he sees it’s possible he might just do it, but he won’t see that without help.

dogandwhistle Fri 05-Apr-19 12:55:58

AnneLovesGilbert - You are angry.

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 05-Apr-19 12:58:41

Nope. Having a lovely day and in a very good mood thank you grin

You’ve got some sort of issue going on and it must be a shame people aren’t agreeing with your rather odd post.

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