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To be shocked and saddened that apparently a million brits think that people should never move on after they lose a partner?

(91 Posts)
NoCauseRebel Thu 04-Apr-19 20:40:51

Good morning Britain of all things had Debbie McGee and jade goodie’s husband on to talk about some survey which apparently suggests that a person should never move on after they lose a partner. And I’m wondering how/why people think this? Even marriage vows talk about until death us do part but even so JG’s h said that he was 21 when she died so does that mean he should spend the rest of his life alone?

How do people arrive at this kind of thought process? If I died I’d certainly want my DP to move on, after all I’ll be gone. And while I can’t see me moving on if he died that’s because he’s not dead now so how can you ever know until it happens?

HarrysOwl Thu 04-Apr-19 20:46:26

Personally I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else if anything happened to my DH, but there's no way I'd want him to stay single if I died.

There's no wrong or right, it seems far too extreme a view to think you shouldn't move on. I imagine there's a lot of stigma with regards to what an 'appropriate' mourning time is/isn't.

Life is for the living!

33goingon64 Thu 04-Apr-19 20:47:53

If you know what you would do then why waste energy fretting about what others might do with their lives?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Thu 04-Apr-19 20:52:43

Look at the endless threads on here , where , predominantly female posters are utterly outraged when their fathers remarry. I suspect the million against remarriage and moving on have their eye on inheritance.

HelenaDove Thu 04-Apr-19 20:58:49

DH is 23 years my senior and i wouldnt date again if something happened to him.

My priorities in a man are compassion intelligence , a willingness to stand up for what is right. But buff bodies seem to be the priority now and dating looks like a bloody depressing prospect to me.

Maybe some dont want to move on because they know they will never find something as good as what they had.

NoCauseRebel Thu 04-Apr-19 21:07:47

But the survey didn’t say that a million people said they would never move on, that’s obviously a personal thing which they think in their own circumstances. The survey said that a million people said that they believed that people whose partners die should never move on, which is obviously entirely different.

lyralalala Thu 04-Apr-19 21:14:04

I can’t believe that. I have a friend who lost her husband to cancer at 34. They didn’t have children. She recently started a very casual relationship with someone, just a bit of fun, and confided in a few friends. She didn’t want to make a big song and dance about it yet so hadn’t told her in laws etc (she lives far enough away that it’s not likely they’ll find out accidentally).

Three of our friends have been openly judgemental and horrified. One repeatedly keeps saying that if her DH died she wouldn’t ever move on, and one comment about “how quick” it was after two years.

Because of other people’s reactions sn comments to her on social media etc she had to tell her mother-in-law - who incidentally was happy for her.

Bizarrely DH said when he was widowed young and had DS to look after he found people were encouraging him to “move on” uncomfortably quick. From hearing them both talk about their experiences people who’ve never been there often seem to have very strong judgemental views on the subject.

lyralalala Thu 04-Apr-19 21:14:28

* I can believe that

TakemedowntoPotatoCity Thu 04-Apr-19 21:15:38

You can also remain happily single of course.

Ginger1982 Thu 04-Apr-19 21:17:00

My mum never met anyone else after my dad.

I had no respect for Jade Goody's husband. He's a leech. More respect for Jeff Brazier.

But I digress.

I don't object to people moving on, but some people seem to do it very quickly, especially men.

ShinyMe Thu 04-Apr-19 21:18:14

I can totally believe that, depressing as it is. Do you remember the criticism Nigella Lawson got after her first husband died, and she moved on and remarried? It was really quite nasty. I don't understand how some people can apparently feel so strongly over something which has no effect whatsoever on them or their lives.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Thu 04-Apr-19 21:20:52

I am 39 and recently widowed. I can not imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else, to me it would be a betrayal. However, I know that isn't rational and DH told me he wouldn't want me to be alone. DS has told me he would never accept any new partner I may have in future, but I don't know if that's the grief speaking. It's a tough one and a very personal choice.

HelenaDove Thu 04-Apr-19 21:26:03

Gretchen im sorry for your loss thanks

NailsNeedDoing Thu 04-Apr-19 21:27:34

When people judged me for having a relationship 2 years after the death of my husband (or for not moving on quickly enough) I decided that there was no point in caring about their opinions when they had no clue of what it feels like to be widowed. These people have no idea how lucky they are to be able to make such an uninformed judgement. Leave them to it, their opinions are nothing compared to the hurt of losing the person you love anyway.

HelenaDove Thu 04-Apr-19 21:27:44

i think misogyny is at play here. Rio Ferdinand dosnt seem to have got the vitriol that Nigella did.

researchandbiscuitfan Thu 04-Apr-19 21:29:06

People have NO CLUE unless they’ve been widowed young. I was widowed at 37. Should I just accept 40-50 years without love, sex and companionship because I’ve been really really unlucky?

FactsOfLife Thu 04-Apr-19 21:32:11

Personally I think it's about age and length of time together. 🤷🏼‍♀️

gingajewel Thu 04-Apr-19 21:33:39

My sister was widowed at a very early age (28) I hate the thought of her not moving on and being by herself and I genuinely lovely my brother in law like my own brother. I don’t want my sister to be alone for the rest of her life and if/when she starts dating again I will whole heartedly support her.

RomanyQueen1 Thu 04-Apr-19 21:36:09

It's not something that you want to imagine happening, but love comes to people at all ages.
Some people may not find anyone else or want to and be quite happy like that.

stressedoutpa Thu 04-Apr-19 21:37:07

People can do whatever they choose.

I think I would find it very hard to replace DH if anything happened to him (god forbid) but I wouldn't rule out meeting someone else. Likewise, I would want him to do whatever made him happy if something happened to me.

People are so judgemental. I generally ignore everyone and do what's right for me!

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom Thu 04-Apr-19 21:38:20

While I disagree strongly with the statement because imo there should be no should it's no one else's bloody business! If my Dp died or we split up I wouldn't want another serious relationship, I'd certainly never want to live with a partner or marry.

That's not to say that I wouldn't ever meet someone or have a relationship but it would be much less traditional in that I wouldn't feel the need to see or talk to them every day etc.

Absolutepowercorrupts Thu 04-Apr-19 21:38:45

I think the reason a million people said that widows and widowers shouldn't move on is because they've never been in that situation, can't imagine how they would feel if they were and are judgemental.
It doesn't surprise me at all

NannyRed Thu 04-Apr-19 21:39:20

I moved in with my husband less than 18 months after his wife died.

We are happy.

We are celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary next.

Shame his children never appreciated me but we are happy and we don’t care about other folks feelings.

Chasingsquirrels Thu 04-Apr-19 21:42:10

People have lots of opinions about what other people should do in circumstances which they themselves have not had to deal with.
Unless it is hurting anyone else, then live and let live.

[Sadly widowed 2 years ago, still miss DH, yet happily in a new relationship. Life is a mind fuck at times, don't let other people's ideas about what you should or shouldn't do make it harder.]

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom Thu 04-Apr-19 21:43:56

Also Dp can marry live with see whomever he wants once I'm not for whatever reason in his life! As long as he's happy but I suppose it's easy to say that because we haven't had children together so I don't need to think about any impact on my biological children and my s/children are not children now so firstly it's not my right to decide on their behalf but also they are old enough to verbalise their own opinion on the future situation.

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