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For wishing I didn't bite my tongue?

(21 Posts)
meikecandles Thu 04-Apr-19 10:54:46

I went out for the first time in 5 months last weekend. I have a 5 month old and I really didn't want to go and leave him as I've never left him before, but I did. I expressed lots of milk and off I went. I had once glass of red wine but no more as I haven't had alcohol since pre pregnancy and didn't want to feel drunk.

My two close friends were there plus one girl who was staying with my friend for a while. I had never met her before. She had A LOT to drink and whilst we've all been there, her mouth was very out of control.

I recently became a single mum. I left my abusive ex, which is the best and hardest thing I ever did. She doesn't know this, she just knows I'm single. The comments that came out of her mouth through the night:

- it'll be hard won't it to meet someone else who finds you attractive. You're really pretty but I know what pregnancy does to your body. If you had a husband before you got pregnant they will just appreciate what your body has been through and love you even more, but it must be hard to find a new guy afterwards that's down with the stretch marks.

- you're such a lovely woman, it's a shame you split up when your baby is so young. Men don't tend to date women with little babies.

- it's a shame your son will still have to see your ex if he's not a nice person m. I hope he doesn't turn out like him. (I told her he wasn't nice to me, not about the abuse).

AIBU to think that a) I don't need a man, b) there are however nice men out there that would love my body and not be put off by my child, and c) that I was a fool letting her talk to me like this and I should've told her to fuck off?

The comments are still bothering me. I feel so unloveable. I don't need a man right now but would love to meet someone eventually. It's sad how these comments have thrown me off...

Reddragonqueen Thu 04-Apr-19 11:04:19

She sounds like a proper bitch. Please ignore her. She doesn't know you or your situation, she's a muppet.

Keep doing you and concentrate on your beautiful baby. If/when you want to meet someone else you will

KindnessCrusader Thu 04-Apr-19 11:10:06

Oh darling what a horrible thing to happen.
I was in your position. My Daughter is now 11, I am married to a man I met when she was 2, who adopted her soon after we married. We have 3 more children and are blissfully happy. Real men don't give a fig about stretch marks, they care for a kind soul.
You're doing an amazing job, more power to you!
If you live in/near Berkshire I run a support/social group for single parents. We love welcoming new families.

meikecandles Thu 04-Apr-19 11:14:18

Thank you @Reddragonqueen

@KindnessCrusader I don't but it sounds like a fabulous group! What a good idea. I'll have to see if there's anything like that near me. Sounds like things turned out really well for you in the end 🙂

LordWheresMyShoes Thu 04-Apr-19 11:16:36

She was a drunk motormouth. Decline to spend any more time in her company and think nothing more of somebody's opinions who you don't like or respect. Xx

SuchAToDo Thu 04-Apr-19 11:25:52

Op she sounds like an insecure bitch that was project her insecurities about herself on to you...either that or she sounds like a proper bully...

The best thing about being an adult is YOU get to choose who you want to spend time around, and if this woman is throwing digs at you and making you feel so bad about yourself that it's still affecting you even now, then don't have her in your life, you don't need people in your life like that..after escaping an abusive ex you should be working in building your self esteem up not being around an awful person like her who will slowly chip away at your confidence and self esteem ...

If your friends ask why you don't want to be around her, say you escaped one abusive person, you aren't alloing another into your life...

Oh and by the way op, she is chatting shit about men not wanting you because of having a child...men come in all shapes and sizes as do women...regular people don't look like Instagram models because regular people aren't airbrushed in real life...and as many mumsnet people will tell you...having a child will not stop another man wanting you..(any man that doesn't want a woman because she already has a child is not worthy of you and your child anyway)...there will be plenty of men out there who will happily want to be in a relationship with you ...don't let that cow get you down,

TheDailyCarbuncle Thu 04-Apr-19 11:29:37

What you have to remember when people speak like this is that they're not really talking about you - they don't give a shit about you - they're talking about themselves and their own fears. So this woman obviously believes that her worth is contingent on being attractive to a man and that if she ever becomes a single mum she'll struggle to find a partner. That, for her, would be a disaster because she has little or no self worth. So for her, you represent one of her fears and she couldn't help vomiting that all over you (unfortunately). All I think when people spout like this is 'poor you, it must be hard to be in your head.'

The fact that you feel bad and unlovable indicates that at least to some extent you agree with her. That's the thing you should focus on dealing with. She's not worth a second thought, poor fucker.

Bluntness100 Thu 04-Apr-19 11:34:25

I think she's envious of you. I'd guess the key phrase here is you're really pretty and that's what got her goat. She was trying to put you down because of her envy.

Don't let her succeed. She was talking shite and you know it.

meikecandles Thu 04-Apr-19 11:40:33

I think it's bothered me so much because my ex said these things to me. I've never heard them from anyone else before.

My left boob is literally 2 sizes bigger than my right. My belly hangs down and is covered in stretch marks. I have a prolapse which isn't going away. I feel so utterly shite and although deep down I know this is life, and it's all normal, I don't know how to build my self esteem back up.

SillyLittleBiscuit Thu 04-Apr-19 11:40:59

She's not worth another thought tbh. Her comments and opinions are absolute rot. Don't let her insecurities and projections get to you.

AdoraBell Thu 04-Apr-19 11:46:10

Ignore her, sounds like hasn’t got a fe king clue and possibly one of the women who feel all women need a man to survive life.

You know you’ve done the right thing and you know you don’t need a man to prop you up. And yes, there are decent men who will love someone who has a child.

Well done on getting rid of the ex 👍

Chelseachic Thu 04-Apr-19 12:14:48

She's a pea-brained nitwit not a fabulous, strong, smart brave ,woman like you and not worthy of your company ! Men are like Jack in the Box ...they tend to pop up when you are least expecting it...I have many single mother friends who are finding really lovely love and friendship ...later on ...people with good stories and getting happy endings...Ignore there moron just say this mantra..."This is my story and it will have my ending" when people like her upset you...You are the captain of your soul and the master of your fate ...drop her...tell her too if you want some fun...!

managedmis Thu 04-Apr-19 12:18:29

You were obviously still trying to be polite as you'd just met her. Easy done

Good for you for realising all the three main points listed in your op.

She's an idiot obviously.

Sagradafamiliar Thu 04-Apr-19 12:21:18

I can confirm she was chatting shit, my roadmap of a post-pregnancy body didn't put off any men.
I agree with PPs who said: she was projecting and she was envious of your looks. She was trying to talk herself out of her jealousy OUT LOUD.
I think it's actually a good thing you 'held your tongue', you stayed dignified and no good would have come of it anyway, she's a nasty drunk.

zoellafortitude Thu 04-Apr-19 12:24:25

What did your two close friends do whilst this stranger (to you) abused you in front of them?

Doghorsechicken Thu 04-Apr-19 12:25:15

Ignore her drivel! She’s trying to bring you down to her level because she’s jealous of you. If you ever see her again I’d point out how catty her comments are & ‘are you really that insecure that you have to try and bring me down too?’.

prettywhiteguitar Thu 04-Apr-19 12:26:18

Well she’s an idiot but you know that ! I had a friend tell me the very same, I had met someone after a year and now are happily married with more dc. He is still single ! My ex said all sorts to me to keep me down and eventually those negative thoughts go away, gradually as the hurt subsides. I feel for you, I was in the same position and it was hard on me mentally, I am a better person for it now though I believe, more empathetic and kind.

As for your body ! I have a small prolapse which has got better with exercise (google exercise for prolapse) and your body is still fresh from holding and pushing a baby out, give it a year you will look and feel so different about it. Still very early days to be thinking about your body flowers

Babyg1995 Thu 04-Apr-19 12:28:52

She's clearly insecure she was most likely jealous I had this not so long ago it's pathetic really take no notice.

Dvg Thu 04-Apr-19 12:32:41

Haha i don't know any men who would be put off by post baby body :S

if i did then they wouldn't be the men i would want to know.
My friends mum is 50 with 3 kids and still manages to get men many of whom are much younger and i know she has plenty of stretch marks but nobody cares.

LordWheresMyShoes Thu 04-Apr-19 13:12:19

I think it's bothered me so much because my ex said these things to me. I've never heard them from anyone else before.

I can totally understand why what she said has bothered you, but please look at the facts.

Nobody said anything like this to you before, apart from your abusive ex.

Abusive ex was abusive. And is now an ex. Anything upsetting that he says are fundamentally and fully untrue.

Now let's look at the sad bag of neuroses that your friends brought out to play last night.

You don't know her, right? So she's had zero time for you build up any respect for her opinions. Opinions are not facts.

She was drunk. Drunk people can be crapbags. The fact that she carried on saying things that were upsetting to you over a sustained period of time proves that she was an insensitive arsehole.

Drink also brings out people's neuroses. One way that manifests, is by putting somebody else down to make yourself feel better about your own low self esteem. That's exactly what I think she was doing - feeling shit about her own life, and in order to prop up her ego, she had to make up a story that somebody else's life was more shit than hers. Oh look, here's a captive stranger who is feeling vulnerable. Excellent, her ego says, this will do nicely.

It was her story for her benefit all along. Just like it was your ex's. Don't take it on as yours.

I am a proper plus size, and have been single for years, proper cobwebs in my knickers! I recently had the best sex I could have imagined possible, which coincided with a run of me realising and living who I really was. All my years of projecting that I'd have to find somebody who could see past my being fat and love me regardless - and I stumbled across somebody for whom my size, cellulite, scars, incontinence and stretch marks were simply totally and genuinely not involved in him finding me attractive. He just did. Like I just did him. And we found each other attractive because we were attracted to each other; bodies are SUCH a small, tiny part of the package.

Please work on loving yourself; every part of what makes you an amazing wonderful woman. It will help you to avoid ending up with another abusive partner, and it will help you to throw comments like hers in the trash without a second thought. Plus... it's really fucking fun to love yourself wink

Paddington68 Thu 04-Apr-19 13:33:43

You had really high hopes of a night out, and then some stranger echoing the words of your ex sh$%s all over it.

You have left an abusive relationship with a very young baby.
How strong you must have been to do that.
How strong you are now.

Little Miss Annoying sounds like she is simply that.
You'll obviously not see her again, and I imagine your close friends felt uncomfortable about what was being said.

She has no part in your story. You have no room for people like this, you have shown that by leaving the relationship. This is your time, for you and your child.

If a man comes along, fair enough, if he doesn't love you 'warts and all' then he can f&*k right off, but you aren't there yet.

We spend far too long remembering hurtful comments than lovely compliments.

You've got this. I wish you all the very best.

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