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Husband affair

(116 Posts)
Nefney14 Wed 03-Apr-19 19:21:42

Please someone tell me how on earth you get over this?
On Tuesday I found out my husband of only 18 months has been having an affair all the while I’ve been dealing with a brain tumour and for the last week he has been going back and forth changing his mind about where he wants to be it is absolutely killing me. I know i am worth so much more than this and I know he shouldn’t even have the option to be with me anymore but every time I think about him leaving I can physically feel my heart breaking every inch of my body is hurting I’m about to have surgery and he needs to stay here until after that to look after the kids and I have no idea how I’m going to get through them weeks knowing that he’s with her and he’s messaging her. How am I meant to walk around knowing I’m going to bump into them? How do I hand my kids over and let them play happily families? I don’t even know why I’m posting. But how the hell do you make this pain go away?

AnyFucker Wed 03-Apr-19 22:42:47

Brilliant advice from Penndragon

CoffeeCoffeeTea Wed 03-Apr-19 22:48:52

You are not an Idiot. Kick your husband out. , ask you friends for help.

Italiangreyhound Wed 03-Apr-19 22:49:17

Excellent advice from Penndragon.

I do not know how awful it all is but I think practical details, and attending to them, is good; both to prepare you through this and also to distract you from the heartache.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX thanks

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame Wed 03-Apr-19 22:56:40

You deserve much better. Fuck him. Sorry to not be more eloquent but seriously, prick.

FogDog Wed 03-Apr-19 23:03:03

I’m with absolutely everyone on here that is telling you that you are not an idiot and that only that complete selfish twatbag of a man is due any contempt here. Time to rally friends and family - and judging by the offers of help here, people really will go out of their way to help you because this is just disgraceful.

Missingstreetlife Wed 03-Apr-19 23:24:54

Social services should plug in some help as you are a disabled single parent. Or kids in foster home for couple of weeks, home care for you and care package for you and kids till you recover.
Tell him to fuck off and make his mind up. Change the locks. You don't need all this drama

StrangeThings Wed 03-Apr-19 23:29:36

Get yourself a King James Bible and turn fully to God for comfort, support, and guidance. And He will help you to get through it as no one else can do.

Wowserme Wed 03-Apr-19 23:32:58

Ewhere abouts are you sweetheart, I would certainly help you out as much as I can if you live close enough to me.
I. Not even going to waste my time commenting on your husband, it makes my blood boil just thinking about him and his floozy.
Karma is a wonderful thing. 🤗

Ihatehashtags Wed 03-Apr-19 23:41:45

He is an absolute disgrace of a man. I am so sorry you are going through this OP. Tell your friends and family you need their help. They will be disgusted with him as we all are on here. Everyone will support you!! He doesn’t deserve you. Don’t give him any options. You are in charge now. Kick him out but make it clear he has obligations to his children. HIS children need to be his priority. Can you talk to a social worker at the hospital? Tou will definitely be entitled to some support, maybe childcare etc. I’m really feeling for you OP 💐

LordPickle Wed 03-Apr-19 23:45:52

Christ OP I'm so sorry. There is nothing any of us can say to make you feel better, because your situation is so awful. sad
But for what it's worth, and I know this probably won't be helpful, but last year I read the most inspirational thread on Netmums. A woman was in the same position as you, she got married and found out her husband was cheating. She was heartbroken, but the thread carried on throughout her story and it ended with her finding herself and being stronger. She dated a man for awhile etc but he wasn't "the one" for her and she was ok with that. It took her a long time to sort herself out but she did it and it was so lovely and real.
I know everything feels awful and bleak right now but please dig deep and find yourself and know that you deserve more. You married a scumbag. It's fucked up but we've all given our hearts to some dumb bastards so no one is going to judge you.
Just please know that it's not your fault and you will find happiness with the right person.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 04-Apr-19 00:05:44

Well as a fellow cheated on wife I can only tell you that the pain does get less over time.

Where in the UK are you? We might be able to direct you to some local support. I would be happy to help you if I can.

Andromeida59 Thu 04-Apr-19 00:08:59

You are an incredible woman. He's a complete shit. I'm so sorry. flowers

Penndragon Thu 04-Apr-19 08:39:20

I wanted to add one more thing as someone with some limited experience of brain injuries/ epilepsy. The anti seizure drugs slow down your cognitive function. The brain surgery can affect your mental processing. I am concerned about the quality of decisions you may be forced to make quite promptly post surgery when you are still very unwell. I think you need to sit down pre-op with a very pragmatic, logical non emotional close friend or family member and write down what you want from any future divorce settlement, pension sharing, housing, job, child care sharing etc and then give these notes to them for safe keeping. I would ask them to go through any decisions you need to make post surgery and compare to your attitudes and pre-op wish list to just act as a safeguard. Brain surgery can scramble your brain for many months afterwards and the drugs won’t help. The brain finds it harder to think strategically or to hold multiple threads when stressed, let alone when coping with surgical trauma. You need to really think cautiously about all decisions. Having other people help you explore all your potential decisions and record your reasoning can really help you later.

jameswong Thu 04-Apr-19 08:47:12

Absolutely awful. What was he thinking? The lowest of the low.

Penndragon Thu 04-Apr-19 08:57:25

And sorry, last thing. You need to lock down all your social media now. Publically denigrating your husband, however justified, could be used against you in court as a ign you are not coparenting and you are undermining his parenting. If he can show a court screenshots it would not help yr position. Ensure only loyal friends can see yr page and be cautious. . You need to be the grown up right now.

Beargrin Thu 04-Apr-19 09:21:56

All the things you're saying make him a huge twat and from an outside perspective, not someone you want to be with. I'm sure in years to come you'll be so glad he did this to show you once and for all how awful he is.

When is your operation, could family help you? I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Damntheman Thu 04-Apr-19 09:26:30

What an absolute fucking wanker! OP you are way stronger than you know. You can end the relationship even if you can't kick him out of the house just yet. Do NOTHING for him, don't let him touch you, only talk about the kids. Ignore the bastard. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

MegaClutterSlut Thu 04-Apr-19 09:36:16

Op I'm sorry your husbands such a cunt. The pain is so raw atm but in time it will get better, I promise. What he's done is unforgivable, not only having an affair but while your having treatment for a brain tumour! I would be telling everyone

The time when you need him the most is the time he decides to shit on you from a great height. Even if he decides to be with you I would tell him to piss off. He will always be that man who fucked you over when you needed him the most, he's vile and not worth your tears

Your worth so much more flowers

letsmovethefuckon Thu 04-Apr-19 09:51:16

And I thought my husband was the biggest cunt ever. Words fail me.

I'm so sorry. From one betrayed wife to another, I understand.

Give us a vague idea of whereabouts in the UK you live.

You will get offers of support here. MNetters have proved themselves to be lifelines time and time over. flowers

aweedropofsancerre Thu 04-Apr-19 09:55:20

My worry here is that your husband can’t be relied upon anyway as he has already disappeared for days and has shown himself for who he is. So it’s in your interest to make other arrangements post surgery....

AceOfSpades123 Thu 04-Apr-19 09:57:11

How awful. I’ve read some things on here but this is one of the worst. What a vile man and how unpleasant must that 21year old be. Just vile. Keep talking to us. We will all help you as much as we can. We are here for you. Have you got a Macmillan nurse? Confide in them. Could you move back to be with family?

LondonHuffyPuffy Thu 04-Apr-19 10:13:14

Agh! Just typed a long post and lost it.

In short: I think that Penndragon’s advice re expressing your wishes to a friend or family member is very wise but I would go one step further and see a Solicitor to get a power of attorney drawn up to be used in the event that your capacity to make decisions is compromised by your health.

flowers to you, Nefney. Your ‘husband’ really is a Grade A cunt.

LordWheresMyShoes Thu 04-Apr-19 10:24:23

What an absolute, total shart stain on the bedsheets of life he is angry

Please tell people you know in real life. Friends will want to help. I know you said you moved away from family; can you and the kids go stay with them, or maybe a parent is retired and would be able too come and live with you part time?

TooManyPaws Thu 04-Apr-19 10:30:52

I am so sorry for the position you find yourself in. He really is the biggest piece of shit I have ever heard of. Don't be afraid of putting out on social media that he has left you and that you need some short-term help. Just don't vilify him there people will come to their own conclusion.

Can a friend or family member come to stay for a while or even take it in turns? Don't be afraid to ask for help from social care as they will want to keep you together and his history of domestic violence will count against him, plus he has no settled home and is unreliable. This is a TEMPORARY situation and they can help. There are all sorts of things that can be provided for you to help both before and after the operation from alarms to medicine boxes that remind you of your next dose. It is far more cost effective to support you than anything else. Remember, his behaviour is and hasn't been in the past that of a loving and caring father.

I would be happy to help if you are in my area and many people will be happy to help you but you must ask for that help. You are not at fault - he is. You don't have to say that, it is obvious to all. ❤️

Nefney14 Thu 04-Apr-19 11:18:50

Thanks everyone I’m feeling much better today. I’ve taken the ball out of his court and said he doesn’t have any choices any more. I need to be in control if I have any chance of feeling better emotionally and in preparation and after my operation.

He hasn’t got anything he can use against me in court in terms of the kids every message I’ve sent him about the kids has been logical and fair I’ve told him he can see them when ever he wants, ring and talk to them when ever he wants. I am really hurt but I absolutely know that’s not my power to have and I will do parent with him 1000% regardless of what he’s done.

A couple of people have mentioned writing things down and making sure other people know my wishes funnily enough I had already started to do that because he’s spent months not coming home at night so I sort of knew he was going to do this.

I do have lots of support but realistically the way the seizures are at the moment I need someone living with me until their under control. We only have a bath no shower etc so honestly I would be putting the kids and myself at risk staying here by myself.

Thank you everyone for all of your support I just needed to vent a little bit but feel a million percent better now

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