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To your experience with the saying 'it comes with age'

(9 Posts)
JumpingJackss Wed 03-Apr-19 15:11:19

When it's referring to confidence or a lack thereof.

I have always suffered with a lack of self esteem and confidence, to the surprise of my parents who were always and still are, fairly confident people.

Whenever questioned about it, people always say to me that 'it comes with age' or that I'll reach a certain age and it won't worry me so much what people think anymore, I'll be able to stand up for myself and not be so nervous about confrontation etc...

I'm in my mid twenties now and people still say it to me so I'm wondering if there was any truth in this for any of you? Did your self esteem/confidence boost as you got older? Do you find yourself more able to stand up for yourself now?

Obviously I don't think age is a fix all, I obviously have some issues I could do with working on but it's been said to me so often that it's got me curious as to whether there's any truth in it.

Thingsdogetbetter Wed 03-Apr-19 15:27:52

If you mean doing nothing to change/develop yourself and miraculously getting confident as you age, then nope. I care a lot less about what other people think of me, I'm a lot less anxious and a lot more confident now I'm older, but I did have to accept my flaws and work (not particularly hard) at changing.

But getting older has opened my eyes to the fact I am not the centre of other people's thoughts. Things I say or done that I beat myself up about for years were actually instantly forgotten by the other person. I realised that strangers who looked at me and sent me into an anxious frenzy that they were negatively judging me, actually won't have been able to pick me out of a line up 5 seconds later. I am a lot less 'important' than i believed in my 20s. Strangers don't care if i fell over and looked like a twat. Acquaintances will have forgotten by the next day. Friends might laugh as they help me up, will love me still nonetheless. People have their own lives to be anxious about.

MrsKipling1980 Wed 03-Apr-19 15:29:21

I'm 38.

Growing up and into my 20's I was a total mug. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to stand up for myself or have an opinion because I always felt I was always wrong and everyone else was right. If I over think it I get annoyed with myself for how I allowed others to talk to me and treat me like shit.

Then around my early thirties I read a quote that said "once you stop caring you reach a new level of awesomeness" and in that moment made a choice to just stopped caring as much.

If I have an opinion I'll voice it, if my opinion differs from someone elses that's ok. If I feel I'm being treated unfairly I'll say so. Yes it's abit awkward but if you don't speak up people will think you're a door mat.

I just take a deep breath and remind myself that if I don't stick up for myself at that moment it'll bug me later.

TheTitOfTheIceberg Wed 03-Apr-19 15:43:07

I'm twice your age OP. I'm not sure I'd say I'm more confident across the board per se (imposter syndrome is still a bitch) but I care a lot less about the opinions of people who don't really matter - by which I mean pretty much anyone outside the circle of my close family, my good friends and my boss. That makes it easier to stand up for myself.

I think I came to a gradual realisation that most people are so hung up on their own flaws and foibles that they don't really care about mine, and that was quite liberating.

Eliza9919 Wed 03-Apr-19 15:53:07

I've always been able to stand up for myself.
I have found though that as time goes on I give less and less fucks about other people and what they think.
I'm 37.

Fishfingersandwichplease Wed 03-Apr-19 16:14:01

I am 42 and have definitely become more assertive over the years. Used to hate saying no to people and really got myself worked up if l had to tell someone l couldn't do them a favour. Have slowly come to realise that helping people is fine but not if it makes me feel used, uncomfortable or if impacts on my and my family's life too much. Have learnt the hard way that people aren't always willing to help me when l need it so now l only say yes if l really want to. I started my menopause at 38 and feel so much fatter with more ailments nowadays but in my mind am so much more confident and secure in myself. Also don't care what people think of me any more. Think the turning point was having a baby because she had to come first and always gave me a good excuse lol!

sleepyhead Wed 03-Apr-19 16:25:55

Yes. Absolutely. I'm still an introvert and tend to avoid certain situations, not good with small talk etc, but oh my god compared to my teens and 20s I'm so much more confident and assertive.

I think it's a mixture of:

a) experience teaching me that the world doesn't revolve around me and people generally are more bothered about themselves than in analysing your every word (c.f my mum trying to persuade me to get changed on the beach by trilling "nobody's looking at you dear")

b) increased confidence through experience - I DO know what I'm talking about, I AM an interesting person, I AM worthwhile talking to and listening to.

c) This too will pass. If you say something daft then it's not the end of the world.

ineedaknittedhat Wed 03-Apr-19 17:27:24

Wait until you hit 40. It just seems to come from nowhere. Look forward to it.

Until then, try to develop an assertive approach to life and don't be afraid of speaking up and refusing to be pushed around. I definitely regret all the years I spent not speaking up for myself and allowing others to get their own way whilst disadvantaging me.

GregoryPeckingDuck Wed 03-Apr-19 17:33:21

I’m definitely more confident that I was five years ago but then again I was never that deficient in that respect. I think it just comes with knowing that things are turning out fine (I’ve got married, had kids, starting to build a career etc)

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