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about DC contact with ExH?

(13 Posts)
purplereindeer Wed 03-Apr-19 14:03:25

I thought a few outside opinions would be useful and I bet other people here have experience of similar!

I have 3DC with exH. They are 12, 10 and 7. They spend EOWeekend and one night in the week with him, which seems fairly standard. He has asked to have them two out of the three weekends over the Easter holidays, which is perfectly fine (in fact, I'm quite looking forward to it!). However, as happens occasionally, DD1 has been invited to a sleepover at a friend's house and it clashes with part of 'his time'. She would, instead of going to his house at 6pm on the Friday evening, be delivered before noon on Saturday.

He says no, she can't go (for various reasons, its tricky to re-arrange, at least for a couple of months). She is sad about this, but accepting, as their Dad never allows them to see friends when he has them.

I'm quietly fuming, as their Dad never takes them to any fun stuff (seriously, they have never even been to the park down his road) and it seems unfair for DD1 to miss out on a really fun trip, especially as I have agreed to do all of the running her around to and from to limit the hassle to her Dad (he doesn't drive and it is a bit of a trek).

I'm kind of torn about what to do, either argue her case to him or leave them to it given that in a year or two she will start getting really cross about not being able to see any friends two weekends a month? I guess I have a WWYD as well as an AIBU!

AIBU to help DD1 argue her case for going to the sleepover?

WWYD in this situation?

purpleboy Wed 03-Apr-19 14:21:11

The most important thing is what your DD wants to do. If she is happy to go to her dads I would leave it at that. There will be plenty of time for sleepovers. If she really wants to go then I think it's fair to bring it up with him again and tell him how much she was looking forward to it, and you'll do the picking up etc.. so it won't impact him that way.

MooseBeTimeForSnow Wed 03-Apr-19 14:21:24

He needs to tread carefully. One of the factors considered by the Court is “the wishes and feelings of the child in light of their age and understanding”. He risks DD1 refusing to go for contact at all if he won’t be more accommodating. She’ll really resent him.

Is there a Court Order?

purplereindeer Wed 03-Apr-19 14:58:48

She will go to her Dad's relatively happily, but she will be disappointed. She probably won't say anything, just be a bit mopey!

There is no court order, but moose what you said is exactly what I want to avoid...I don't want her relationship with her Dad spoilt by something as silly and easy to fix as letting her see her friends!

AuntieStella Wed 03-Apr-19 15:09:20

I think her DDad is in the wrong here.

Once at secondary it is entirely normal for Dc to develop their own social life and activities, and whichever parent has them that weekend needs to support and facilitate that.

Don't know whether you should take a stand about this one on particular, but you do need to have a conversation with him before too long about the age appropriate changes that will be needed.

BlackeyedGruesome Wed 03-Apr-19 15:12:02

He asked for an extra weekend? If so could you not say that DD is not available until noon as she has a prior arrangement?

CuriousaboutSamphire Wed 03-Apr-19 15:13:16

Please, talk to your DD. Tell her it is absolutely fine to say no to her dad if she really wants to. ALl of your kids need to feel free to see/not see him. He needs to consider them as semi autonomous individuals, or he will lose all contact as they get older!

AuntieStella Wed 03-Apr-19 15:28:38

I think her DDad is in the wrong here.

Once at secondary it is entirely normal for Dc to develop their own social life and activities, and whichever parent has them that weekend needs to support and facilitate that.

Don't know whether you should take a stand about this one on particular, but you do need to have a conversation with him before too long about the age appropriate changes that will be needed.

Eliza9919 Wed 03-Apr-19 15:33:30

I think it depends. Will there be a few of them, getting excited and talking about it at school?

Singlenotsingle Wed 03-Apr-19 15:33:42

I wouldn't even ask him. I'd just tell him the decision has been made. Dd1 is going to the sleepover, like it or lump it. You were amenable over the extra weekend, so he has to give something in return.

purplereindeer Wed 03-Apr-19 16:42:44

Thanks everyone. Its a total minefield, I'm never quite sure where the line is!

I think I'll remind him that I was flexible over when he has them and that I'm happy to continue to be flexible, but in return, he has to understand that DD1 is getting older, that her friends are becoming more and more important to her and that she needs to spend time with them.

Yes, there will be a few of them (its part of a friendship group she has had most of her life, they aren't all at the same school or in the same city) and there has been much excited messaging back and forth between them all!

purplereindeer Wed 03-Apr-19 16:43:54

I spoke to DD1 about it when she got in from school, she says that she understands that her Dad doesn't want to give up time with her, but that she also really has been looking forward to it!

CuriousaboutSamphire Wed 03-Apr-19 17:30:22

Then tell him as a fait accompli she will be dropped to him at noon ish on the Saturday (and he should be grateful he doesn't have to pick her up, like any normal parent would offer to).

He is the grown up, he needs to act like one, or he will fast become one lonely dad!

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