Resentful at dh’s Family

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Dh is financially successful and a very kind, generous person. He’s very close to his dm and siblings. The problem is, they are constantly asking him for money for things, and I get the feeling they genuinely feel entitled.

One of his siblings struggles financially and he puts a generous sum in her account monthly, but it’s never enough. I have tactfully tried to put it to dh that she needs to watch her spending but he seems to think it’s his duty.

I know I can’t change dh. But how do I work on my resentment not about the money but about their sense of entitlement? He loves them but I hate that they take advantage of him.

[CalmdownJanet]

Oh that's a hard one, do you have shared finances? Children?

[5foot5]

You only mention a DM and siblings, not a father. Is it that his father is dead or not on the scene and your DH as the elder sibling has assumed a sort of paternal role?

How old is this sibling? Are they working or still studying?

[Whatsnewpussyhat]

He needs to realise that he isn't actually helping his sister by bailing her out all the time. She has now reason to change or stop overspending.
If she is a adult he shouldn't need to look after her.

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

I always ask - is this a cultural obligation?

[GabriellaMontez]

Does this negatively impact on you?

For e.g. do you have to pay the bills because of it or are you wadded?

It would irritate me too.

Working to subsidise another healthy adult.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Thank you for your replies. His father died a long time ago. Sibling works, her partner has been ‘studying’ for years but a bit of a lay about. They are in their 50’s with grown up children.
Not a cultural obligation at all, he’s just finds it hard to say no.

It’s our second marriage, my work is voluntary so I don’t get paid. I might be wrong but I feel his sister and dm feel that I have it easy and want their share.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

As I said, we are extremely fortunate that it doesn’t impact on us financially but the issue I have isn’t with the money but the sense of entitlement. But as I don’t earn them perhaps I am wrong. Just interested to see impartial views.

[InternetArgument]

DH sounds like a decent man. Talk to him about it if you think it’s a real problem- that is, if it’s making his sister (?) dependent and allowing her to dodge the cause of any issue that leads to this financial shortfall every month. Perhaps suggest to him it’s enabling her irresponsible behaviour and suggest a plan to cut back, tapering the assistance to foster independence.

His parents are a third rail in my view. Best not.

[GabriellaMontez]

I'd be irritated too. Even if we weren't short of money. I probably wouldn't be as tactful. I'd say something like "you know they're taking advantage of you" ?

But if he feels a deep obligation it probably wouldn't help.

You're probably right they say the same about you.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Thanks InternetArgument. It’s more for extras, but this week she asked him to find a holiday for her and their dm and I just thought wtf? She has a medical condition and is constantly plying for dh’s sympathy. We are away at the moment and she’s on the phone to him constantly. If dh tells her we are for eg on the beach, she’ll say “enjoy it for me”. Am I a bitch?

[Aroundtheworldandback]

*fund a holiday

[Em78dodds]

Ah OP I think I would find that hard too

[GabriellaMontez]

You're on holiday?

And she's on the phone constantly? Money aside, she sounds generally demanding.

[BertrandRussell]

If it isn’t impacting on you financially, then it’s not really any of your business, surely?

When you say on the phone constantly, how often?

[GreatDuckCookery]

Does it get him down OP? He sounds lovely and very generous but I think as long as he’s happy to help out and doesn’t feel put on and it’s not impacting on you both financially I don’t think you can get involved really. It’s his money after all.

Saying that the sister sounds like she’s taking advantage of his good nature so I can see why that would get under your skin.

[MLMsuperfan]

Grown adults who can work asking for long-term regular handouts from family. I would be ashamed.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Funnily enough when the other sibling is away, she’s not on the phone to him constantly. Yes she’s FaceTiming dh as we’re walking along or eating dinner. My problem is that dh says he doesn’t mind and that he loves her. Not much I can do but it’s pissing me off big time.

[GreatDuckCookery]

Maybe ask him to limit the time on the phone to her while you’re away at least? Sounds like you’re not going to get anywhere regarding him funding her though.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Thanks all for just letting me vent. If I tried to tell him who he could talk to and when that wouldn’t go down well.

[BarrenFieldofFucks]

I would address the constant messaging, but tbh you can't really control what he does with his money. It doesn't impact you directly, and in fact you are just as reliant as they are. By their twisted logic, they have known him longer so are more family than you are. 🤷 If it was coming from a pot that you jointly earned, or it was putting you short to the point that your getting a paid job wouldn't help then you would have more cause to complain tbh.

[Coyoacan]

The sister doesn't sound very pleasant, but surely his mother is entitled to support from your dh if it is not leaving him short? And he is entitled to help her and her siblings.

You say it is not cultural and I believe you but here in Mexico nearly everyone gives their elderly parents a monthly stipend.

And a Catalan friend came from a wealthy family where the eldest male was expected to look after the entire extended family.

[GreatDuckCookery]

How often is she calling him?

[Susanna30]

It would probably piss me off too.
But I can't see that you can really do anything about it, other than talk to DH about it. It seems that he's very happy to do it though.

Try being 24, having a newborn baby and partner to support on a low salary while also studying a masters, but budgeting wisely and making the best of the situation. Then being asked (emotionally blackmailed) to pay towards a relative's rent on multiple occasions. That's what happened to us and it almost drove us to using food banks at that time. Baby had to go with makeshift nappies for a short while and I was breastfeeding and half starved. Years later, I still haven't forgiven MIL for putting us in that situation. I don't think I ever will.

[GabriellaMontez]

What do you mean ? He's face timng her over dinner? That's just rude. It's no Way to treat your partner. Especially on holiday.

[Bluntness100]

Op if he is happy with this, and it doesn't impact your standard of living, then you need to let it be his decision, particularly as you don't work or financially contribute. This has to be his decision. Trying to stop him giving money to his family when this is what he is happy to do, and it doesn't negatively impact you isn't right.