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To have a problem with this friendship?

(58 Posts)
CaptainDamaged Wed 03-Apr-19 11:04:56

DP and I have been together for just under 2 years. We have a 9 month old DD, a pretty big surprise but she’s the light of my life and we’ve made it work. For the most part we are happy but there’s one thing that we keep coming back to and honestly it may just be the reason we don’t work out in the end. DP doesn’t see this from my POV at all and thinks the sun shines out of her.

DP has been best friends with girl ‘B’ for 7-8 years. They dated for 3ish years prior to this. Their friendship had serious boundary issues in the sense that everyone (including me) thought they were an item. B told everyone that they had been together and tended to go on about it a bit “oh we would get back together if he would change” etc etc.

So, I had a bad breakup and DP was very supportive during this time. We kind of just ‘fell in love’ so to speak. B caused a bit of trouble due to her jealousy (? Maybe not the right word to use but I don’t know)

- one night we were hanging out, I was lying on the sofa having a nap and she came to sit with DP while he played PlayStation. When she saw I was lying on the sofa she made a very audible “UGH” noise before walking out and slamming the door behind her. She then ignored me the rest of the night.

- the day after the above, she came to me crying and apologising saying it just really hurts to see him change for me and not for her and she’s just sorry she reacted that way.

- DP was supposed to be her +1 at a wedding but he went on a bender and arrived drunk (nothing to do with me), she proceeded to blame this on me and told loads of people He had let her down because of me.

-threw all his clothes (including underwear - though idk why she had them anyway lol) that she had around his office at work.

- Proceeded to block and delete me and him off all social media.

There was a bit of a break here, it kinda came up every now and then because she would contact him for emotional support. Once she found out I was pregnant she didn’t take it well.

- called him f-ing c* to his mum and told her he was making a massive mistake in regards to me and the baby.

- would call him up and text him using the loving nickname she gave him while they were dating.

Now DP is not innocent in any of this. He says I forced him to cut out his best friend due to my ‘vicious jealousy’. He would take her phone calls in private, never in front of me and would also phone her drunk. Their friendship before was more like a relationship, always each other’s plus 1s, he would take her on holiday, text and call loads of times a day, together all the time, he even told me that he had been waiting for her to change her mind about them having another go for the entire friendship.

For the majority of this I have just tried to be like “he can have friends that don’t want to know me”, but honestly it really hurts. I’ve never done anything to her, I’ve tried multiple times to invite her over for dinner or coffee or drinks, she’s never even met dd though still uses DP as an emotional crux. How weird is that? It hurts so bad because all of the blame is put entirely on me because I’ve had a bumpy past but I have tried to just let them get on with it.

So, aibu or should I tell him it’s her or me? Or should I just end it with him completely? I feel like I will always be second best.

CaptainDamaged Wed 03-Apr-19 11:06:18

Sorry that ended up v long 😔

Shoxfordian Wed 03-Apr-19 11:07:39

Yeah it sounds like he's been encouraging her drama. He should have said clearly to her that you're his partner and he wants her to behave civilly to you at a minimum. He seems to like the attention from you both. He likes that you're jealous of her.

Chocolateisfab Wed 03-Apr-19 11:08:23

Ywnbu to make him choose. She isn't an ex, or a bff..
She is a bitch.
And he is a twat.
Second thoughts, don't do the pick me dance.
Just ltb.
He isn't a good dp, or a df if he treats you as he has done.

outpinked Wed 03-Apr-19 11:08:41

He likes that you’re both jealous of one another and ‘at war’ over him so to speak, loves the drama and attention. He’s an arsehole and you deserve better, as does she. Wouldn’t surprise me if he’s still sleeping with her either.

youwouldthink Wed 03-Apr-19 11:12:37

Yeah he's just loving this really isn't he.
Agree with pp to say do not do the pick me dance. State your boundaries calmly and clearly and if he won't put you first then leave and don't look back!

SummerHouse Wed 03-Apr-19 11:12:57

There is too much history for them to be friends. They obviously both have feelings for each other. I think the respectful thing for them BOTH to do is cut contact.

I once deleted a FB ex boyfriend for commenting on my timeline that I looked "well". This was probably totally innocent and friendly but it just seemed a bit disrespectful to my DP. He has never been jealous but I don't want to give him reason to be.

Also the woman sounds unhinged. You, DP and DD do not want that in your life.

Houseonahill Wed 03-Apr-19 11:14:40

My ex had a friend like this and I was also always made out to be a jealous bitch while they snuck around texting in the middle of the night and going for days out and not telling me and things, she was also really rude to me and would just completely blank me like I didn't exist if I spoke to her in the pub or whatever.

Turns out they were shagging all along and I was being naive. Trust your gut I wish I had. If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck....

CaptainDamaged Wed 03-Apr-19 11:14:56

Thinking about showing DP this thread, but don’t want it to come across like I’m trying to prove a point so he will pick me. Honestly I’m not sure if I can forgive him for this anyway, there’s so much resentment.

Pk37 Wed 03-Apr-19 11:16:09

You and your child deserve better than that.
It’s not normal and you shouldn’t put up with it .

Dungeondragon15 Wed 03-Apr-19 11:17:44

She's either nuts or he has been encouraging this. Either way it has got ridiculous and you would not be unreasonable at all to decide that you have had enough. She isn't just a friend. She is an ex who doesn't want to be an ex and he is just loving all the attention. He needs to tell her that he doesn't want any more contact. If he doesn't do this then I'm afraid you will have to choose.

itswinetime Wed 03-Apr-19 11:18:12

I agree he likes being the guy in the middle of this! Otherwise he would have tried harder to have it all knocked on the head! Personally it sounds exhausting to me and it's not a situation I would want to live in.

Problem is if you give him an ultimatum then if he picks you it sounds like it will be thrown back at you at any and every opportunity. I would do one of 2 things,

Option 1) take control back, block her on all social media and from being able to contact you. Don't mention her and if you anyone does just reply with I'm not Interested in hearing about x rinse and repeat don't be drawn into a discussion of why don't be pulled into fights about it or her just done remove yourself from the toxic situation and let the 2 of them hash it out!

Option 2) just leave no ultimatum no threat just end it explain that you can no longer live like that and it's not the environment you want to raise you daughter in and go.

I guess which one depends a lot on how the relationship is outside of this issue.

Cloudyapples Wed 03-Apr-19 11:18:18

I’d be saying if he chooses to maintain a friendship with her that is his choice, but he needs to acknowledge that her behaviour towards you is unacceptable and he needs to have boundaries and make it clear to her that it is a friendship and that is all. On a serious note I would ask him to take some time to think about if he still has feelings for her, because if he doesn’t then he needs to recognise he is behaving in a way that lets her think there is still something there which is disrespectful and inappropriate to her and you, but if he does then he needs to walk away from your relationship as you don’t deserve to be someone’s plan b. You deserve to be a priority.

LazyLizzy Wed 03-Apr-19 11:19:38

Don't be so desperate that you will accept this shit? Raise your standards, at least for your child's sake.

Get rid, he is a gobshite.

Shoxfordian Wed 03-Apr-19 11:19:47

Showing him this isn't going to acheive anything. Just decide that you're not interested in carrying on competing for his attention anymore.

M4J4 Wed 03-Apr-19 11:20:11

Honestly I would give him an ultimatum - you or her.

If he chooses you, then he needs to cut her out. There's nothing healthy about their 'friendship'.

He doesn't sound like much of a prize either.

Babyhumps Wed 03-Apr-19 11:20:32

Your DP has no perspective on this at all. He has a child with you but sounds like a mere child himself. Some people have a complete inability to empathise and see things from their partner's POV.

He needs a big wake up call to realise he can't treat you like this. If he wants a proper grown up relationship with you (as opposed to a teenage style BF/GF thing), he needs to man up. I think it's ultimatum time for him. If he wants to be with you. She is gone because she sounds very bitter and messed up. The pair of them Brigg out the worst in each other which is why they're not a good couple! She needs to be let go for her sake too.. She'll never move on and find someone right for her if she keeps hanging around. Time for a couple of people to seriously grow up. You going to have to be strong OP and stand up for yourself. Stop taking this crap.

Babyhumps Wed 03-Apr-19 11:21:25

Sorry for the odd typo there.. In a rush but wanted to reply...

itswinetime Wed 03-Apr-19 11:22:19

Crossesd post don't show him the thread that won't end well and it shouldn't matter what we think to him it should Matter what you think!

After your last post my new vote is for leaving it sounds like the relationship is to damaged now.

prozacgirl Wed 03-Apr-19 11:27:26

Poor you he sounds like a teenager. Loving the attention. Tell him to grow up. You deserve much better than this! She is a bitch and not worth s second thought. Concentrate on him and be really fucking clear about your expectations!!!!!

Happynow001 Wed 03-Apr-19 11:30:10

It really shouldn't be this hard OP. Sounds like these two are enmeshed in each other and you are the third wheel - sorry!

Personally I would end it with him as he really doesn't sound ready for a grown up relationship. That would also get rid of her as she's only seeing you because of your relationship with him.

Definitely block and delete her. Reduce your communication with him to anything necessary for the co-parenting of your child. I know that will be hard for you - but he still has more growing up to do.

Dungeondragon15 Wed 03-Apr-19 11:34:28

I wouldn't show him this thread either as that will just antagonize. You don't need to prove to him that he is being very unreasonable. He knows that anyway. Just tell him that you've had enough and that he needs to cut contact with her if he wants to have a relationship with you. If he argues that he should be able to have friends or he says he will cut contact but doesn't you know where you stand and should just walk away.

Lifeonmars77 Wed 03-Apr-19 11:34:31

She is not his 'friend'. They are certainly not 'best friends'.

IMO a true best friend would be happy for him in his new relationship, would have accepted you as his partner, spent time with you as a family and would have certainly met, and want to spend some time with, your DD - her 'best friend's' child! She is only interested in him and not for friendship reasons.

This is petty jealousy/drama at best and a toxic situation at worst, driven further by his ego and the attention that is feeding it. Either way YWNBU in the slightest to point out that he needs to cut her out completely. At the VERY least he needs to set serious new boundaries with her, make sure she adheres to them and cut her out if she fails. If he won't agree to either, he clearly doesn't respect you or value your relationship enough and you would be right to tell him to do one.

Also, completely agree with @youwouldthink and @SummerHouse - she definitely sounds unhinged and he needs to put you first.

Sorry you're going through this, good luck and stay strong flowers

chocolateandpinkgin Wed 03-Apr-19 11:48:56

Sorry but no YANBU, not in the slightest. If you'd said that she was a friend who he'd known for years, friends before he knew you, completely platonic, none of the drama you mentioned above.. then yeah maybe you'd be being unreasonable.

But no. She acts like an arsehole and makes no secret of the fact she'd have him back at the drop of a hat. And rather than telling her her behaviour is unacceptable, he's actually encouraging it. I suppose whenever you have an argument he goes running to her/straight on the phone to her to moan about you.

Sorry but hell fucking no, not acceptable at all. He is definitely being unreasonable. I realise it's easy for people on the internet to tell you what you do with your life but honestly I'd have a very serious think about giving him an ultimatum. It's either his relationship with you, or this 'friendship' with her. And if he chooses the latter, then you'll have the answer you need and a bloody lucky escape in all honesty.

overreactingperhaps Wed 03-Apr-19 11:54:59

You have to either put up, and shut up, or leave.
Sorry to put it so bluntly, but I've been in a similar position before.

And a thing I've learnt in life and knew would be the same for this situation - the person who gives the ultimatum - never wins.

Even if they choose you, they will resent you for making them choose.

I waited it out, these people fuck up eventually. She eventually crossed the line, severely pissed him off... then gave him an ultimatum, and he chose me.

Decide whether it's worth waiting it out.
It doesn't sound great though.

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