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Would your dh react like this?

(20 Posts)
tippingpoint14 Wed 03-Apr-19 14:59:32

My husband is like this, OP. I’m very sorry to hear it and very sorry about how tough things are at the moment. The worst thing is you feel like you’ve got to pretend to be cheery when you feel like shit, because if you show you feel like shit he gets angry with you and feel more Iike shit. Sound about right?

All the difficulties you speak of will pass and you’ll move through your grief, but the issue with your DH’s lack of emotional intelligence won’t unless he does something about it. That’s up to him.

I don’t have any advice but stay tough. You’re the shiny person in this equation, even if you’re sad and struggling. flowers

ScarletBitch Wed 03-Apr-19 14:25:34

Your husband should of put himself on the first plane home, family bereavement and he is acting out?

Lam23 Wed 03-Apr-19 14:22:56

I can “afford to quit” in that he would still be earning but we couldn’t afford for me to not work or take time out for me to get a new job which I’m my industry usually takes around 2 months+ due to background checks etc.
That’s why I mentioned I was biding time for redundancy as it would give us the financial cushion he needs.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Wed 03-Apr-19 12:43:30

He just got frustrated and said he didn’t know why I don’t just quit. I am waiting for redundancy and also buying some extra time/money before school summer holidays start. It’s not as simple as just quit.

I presume form this you can afford to quit? So possibly from his POV, you're desperately unhappy but unwilling to take steps to remedy that?

Thingsdogetbetter Wed 03-Apr-19 12:22:14

Has he always been this unsupportive? It's not like your sad/stressed/having shite at work all the time. You've hit a perfect storm and he doesn't want to do the emotional work to help you deal with it.

To me, it seems like he manipulated the conversation (asking you why you're sad and then twisting it into a complaint about how it's all you talk about) so he could flounce off to dinner and whinge about his moaning wife who dumps all her issues on hiiiiiim and doesn't understand how haaaarrrrd it is for hiiiiim to be away. Pooooooor him! And then he will talk about how supportive he's been over the years and how he's sad and in emotional pain that can only be fixed by a fawning younger woman bigging him up.

Lam23 Wed 03-Apr-19 11:59:58

I also now feel incredibly anxious that he hasn’t spoken to me or that I’ve pushed him away. I never wanted a row last night.

Lam23 Wed 03-Apr-19 10:59:40

I felt really lonely when he was saying “I’m just gonna go now” because I wasn’t being happy. He “HAD” to go, it had been “half an hour already” we had been talking, he had dinner with this colleague, etc etc etc. And most of all I wasn’t trying to feel better and it was “so frustrating” for him. “How long are you going to feel like this?” “Why don’t you just quit?” I am sitting in a meeting room at work because I feel like I’m going to cry. I would love to quit and hide under my duvet for the next few months but it’s not the right thing to do. But I can’t just put on my happy face. I almost wonder whether this sadness is something to do with my relationship if this is what he’s like.

Shoxfordian Wed 03-Apr-19 10:56:51

He sounds like he only wants a happy funny wife with lots of jokes. Not a sad one. Didn't you know that was what he wanted op? Honestly. Expecting him to deal with a real woman with real feelings who isn't always happy. Tell him to talk to Siri instead next time. He sounds like a knob.

Daenerys77 Wed 03-Apr-19 10:53:23

I am sorry you are having to deal with so many sad things all at the same time and that your husband is so callous. Nobody is happy all the time and he should not expect you to be, just because he is too immature or selfish to deal with another person's distress.

Floralhousecoat Wed 03-Apr-19 10:47:10

Please return the favour and go radio silent on him till he returns. You don't have evergy to be 'happy' for him right now. You need to have a talk with him when he returns. He seems extremely self absorbed if he cannot feel your pain at what you are going through right now.

Lam23 Wed 03-Apr-19 10:35:04

Yes hellsbells. He does need me to be happy when we speak, I know it, he rewards me with affection if I’m happy and full of light anecdotes. Otherwise he is just “frustrated” with me because I won’t take his advice/act. I couldn’t pull it out of the bag last night. I was tired and lonely and sad.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 03-Apr-19 10:32:32

So you lost your grandma a few days ago and he expects you to be all happy when you talk!?
With everything else as well...... He sounds like an insensitive prick.
He swans off and leaves you to deal with everything but needs you to be all happy when he calls!!???
Fuck that shit. Tell him to get to fuck until he can be supportive of YOU!!!
It's all about HIM, isn't it?

Floralhousecoat Wed 03-Apr-19 10:31:06

So sorry for your loss op. Losing your grandma, impending job loss, being sick and feeling rundown, witnessing your dc being bullied, holding the fort for weeks while he's out swanning around in restaurants, you're an absolute hero for coping with all that. He's an uncaring twat. Send him a list of everything you're currently dealing with and ask him how cheery HE would be feeling if HE was in your shoes?

He seems to have emotionally checked out and may be enjoying himself a bit too much. He should be showing concern for you and offering kind soothing words, not getting annoyed at you.

CuriousaboutSamphire Wed 03-Apr-19 10:28:55

You know he is wrong, though!

He is being dismissive. That he can't even give you 10 minutes of his day is awful!

Stay here for a while, vent a little, get some support smile

FactsOfLife Wed 03-Apr-19 10:23:59

Show him this post.

His attitude is vile. My dh and I have both been through depression and loss both people and jobs and we've been supportive and patient of each other even though it's hard. That's why it's a partnership.

Your really going through a lot!
So sorry for your loss!
And please don't quit your job, redundancy pay is worth it.
Maybe sign off with stress for the time being? thanks

Lam23 Wed 03-Apr-19 10:22:03

He says he does have empathy and I’m not appreciating it. Because when I feel shit he feels shit and therefore that makes it hard for him being away.
I wish he could just communicate that in a kinder way. I cannot help the way I’m feeling. Yesterday I couldn’t really get out of bed. I feel weak and guilty for feeling like this , he knows that, he still just couldn’t be a shoulder for me.

CuriousaboutSamphire Wed 03-Apr-19 10:19:28

Well, you could just tell him his attitude stinks and that you have made note of how little support and undertsanding he has offered during this emotionally difficult time.

DH was of little use when I was sticking it out at teaching. I had to properly cry on him and explain I didn't want him to fix anything, just tonod in all the right paces and ive me a hug, tell me I look beautiful with a red snitty nose, etc. He fot it, I managed to get tothe end of my notice and out the other side.

Then again, if you think he is checking out anyway and using your stress as an excuse just tell him to fuck off and learn to be human and have a litle empathy!

Everything wil be OK. Your grief will pass, leaving only the happy memories. Your daughter will be fine, you just need to contact the school, get a copy of their bullying policy and find out how to do it. Yur PMT too will pass, it always does (I started on depo when mine got too bad) and your job will end when it ends. Maybe make a ist of things you can do with the redundancy money, consider retraining as well as job hunting, make it a thing to look forward to!

Best of luck with it all flowers

mbosnz Wed 03-Apr-19 10:16:48

Oh honey. I wish there was something I could say to make it all better. I wish your DH had not been giving free rein to his inner jerk, but instead had said all he needed to say, and you needed to hear, to make you feel loved, and supported.

Condolences on your grandma. When you lose someone, it's always too soon.

You are fully entitled to be feeling like utter crap. You shouldn't be made to feel bad about being overwhelmed and sad, with all you have on your plate, that you're dealing with at home, and he's not having to, because he's not there.

I wish I could send you real wine flowers cake

KTD27 Wed 03-Apr-19 10:15:31

Oh massive massive hugs for you. I’m so sorry he was a nob.
My husband is about to be made redundant in a very similar situation to you - we don’t know when but it’s certain and it’s fucking awful. Having that stress alone is horrid never mind everything else you’re coping with.
Is he usually like this? I’m sorry you didn’t get the hand hold you needed but take one virtually from me. You have a lot on your plate it’s understandable that you are low! flowers

Lam23 Wed 03-Apr-19 10:12:37

This week is all coming on top of me. My company announced a major restructure a few weeks ago, my boss has been let go, I’ve basically been told I’m next but no clarity on it which is stressful, and I’ve been off sick with a chest infection. My grandma died suddenly at the weekend. My dc is being bullied at school (I actually witnessed it at dropoff last week) and acting out. I’m premenstrual which I have never been able to handle, my mood is incredibly low and I just feel on the verge of crying all the time. Yesterday was a black day, I just felt hopeless.
Dh is on business abroad for two weeks, different time zone. We mainly have communicated by texting, he calls for about half an hour late my time. Last night he video called me and wanted to know why I “looked so sad” and was quiet. He knows all that has been going on. I tried to explain It was a bad day. He just got frustrated and said he didn’t know why I don’t just quit. I am waiting for redundancy and also buying some extra time/money before school summer holidays start. It’s not as simple as just quit. I just wanted him to tell me it was ok and that he was there for me. Instead he said he was “just gonna go”, he wanted to “talk about something other than (my) job for once”, that I am just “trying to feel sad”. He didn’t want to know. He was off out for another posh expensed meal on his trip and things feel like they’re falling apart here and he just wanted to turn me off.
I just want to vent I guess. I’m sick of being told how “frustrated” he is with me, how”frustrating” I am. I really needed a handhold last night, nothing more. Feel like I inconvenienced his shiny business trip. After the call he sent me a nasty message about me pushing him away and radio silence since. He was having dinner with a female colleague whose name seems to have come up a lot recently.
I texted him normally this morning to have a good day and he has seen but ignored.
I feel like I have lost his support and if I’m not a shiny happy fun person he just finds me annoying.
Please someone tell me everything is going to be ok. I miss my grandma so much already and I want to feel ok again. I really do. It was just a particularly bad day.

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