Aibu - DH - my resentment(207 Posts)
Hi first time poster, nervous!
Dh and I are married almost 6 years, together 14 years, since I was 16 and he was 18. Two beautiful DC, dd just turned 3 and ds 19 months.
We both work 4 days per week, 8 -5, we both restructured our working hours after my 2nd maternity leave to minimise outside childcare and allow us to spend maximum time with our DC.
Dh is involved in family business, which he is due to inherit in the next month, legal transfers currently on-going. This business requires Dh to work every evening varying in times from 1hour to several hours. He will also work the majority of every Saturday, 8 -2. Sundays he generally wont work but on occasion needs to. He also has a hobby which he attends two nights per week, after he completes his evening work. This will potentially also take place on sundays over the next few months.
I suppose I am wondering AIBU to resent his time away? I acknowledge he is working, not exactly down the pub, but I feel angry at times. I come in from work and do supper bath bed etc. Every night. I am tied to the house every evening and have no life outside my work and home. The expectation is that I am always here, he breezes in and out as such, however if I need to do something it has to be booked in advance with dh and reminders provided.
Just to note, my dh is a kind man and would give me the world. We have no mortgage, no financial concerns however at times I feel so constrained by the link to the business. There was an opportunity to potentially sell the business instead of inheriting, however this was not even an option in my husbands world and for me I find this difficult as my thoughts were not considered.
Sorry for the rambling, would love your thoughts
Can you reduce your hours? If you don’t have a mortgage I can’t see any reasons for you to work full time while the kids are little
You could then pay for childcare one or two days a week and free up some time
If you've got no mortgage and no financial worries, why don't you buy in some help and give yourself a break, OP? You work 4 days a week, plus you've got two small dc. DH also works 4 days per plus some evenings and Saturdays. Neither of you have a minute to spare and you're both stressed. Get a nanny or a Manny, an au pair or whatever else you need. AND tell dh you need one date night a week, to go to cinema, out for dinner, or even just stay in with a bottle of wine and a takeaway.
Thank you so much for your responses.
Singlenotsingle- I think you have got it spot on when you say we dont have a minute to spare and are stressed.
I think because I have manoevourd into a very good position with work, compressed hours, v flexible, good salary, I am almost terrified to move on that as I have worked hard to get to that point.
I definitely also tend to feel alot of guilt taking time out, as I feel because I work full time I should spend all the remaining time with my children.
At one level I look at my life and think I have everything anyone could ask for and am so thankful, but also have moments of, is this it?
Is it really every evening? Could he for example always be home Tuesday nights? I agree you should look for other options to feel better. And perhaps after the transfer try and take some time out for yourself that’s non negotiable. I just had a weekend away, I needed it badly. Dh would usually make jokes about my holiday but he wasn’t that silly this time!
You also need to tell him that you’re not saying you’d have disagreed with his plan but you do feel like you and your thoughts didn’t feature in the decision and think he should spend some time considering which major decisions he thinks it’s fair you make without him.
Hi timeisnotaline- yes every evening, plus the additional hobby he has now taken up. Maybe it is the lack of freedom that this is always there.
Dh would at times become annoyed if I bring up the subject about the time away because 1) I know he has to do it and 2) I benefit financially from it, both which are true but almost feel it is said to shut me up, if that makes sense
Not the same situation, I’m a SAHM and DH works standard full time hours, but he used his working full time to support the family alone was his “get out jail free card” whenever I tried to address his lie ins at the weekend, one night out a week, and ‘need’ for 2 hours alone time every evening before bed to decompress, which made me resent him - massively!
I make him sound awful but like you, he’s a beautifully caring and generous man, if not somewhat dense and stubborn at times.
It took a while, but I eventually managed to address the situation with him in the right kind of way, I started by explaining that I know how hard he works for our family, I deeply appreciate it because I wanted to be a SAHM (for practical and emotional reasons) and we are very tightly budgeted. That I know his need for some time to rest also, none of these things were in question BUT THAT DID NOT MAKE MY FEELINGS INVALID. I explained my concerns, I too was tired, stressed (twins recently home from NICU and living in a tiny 1 bedroom flat), felt trapped because DD was on oxygen making trips out for leisure felt like a pipe dream. Of course I cherished (and still do) my time with them but dammit Mummy needs a break too!
Is his new hobby work related? If not surely it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask he attend this one night a week instead? Or twice a week every other week and you take the interim weeks to get some time to yourself?
I think you need something just for you. One night a week find something you want to do, your dh can do dinner bath and bed with the kids then work. Hopefully that gives you a bit of a break.
I know you're on a budget but could you afford a baby sitter for an evening so you could get out, to a class, gym....meet a friend. Babies in bed so it would be an easy baby sit.
Do you have money to pay for help? Get a nanny that looks after kids, does the tidying in the day & cooks the kids dinner. Cleaner for the big clean & steaks & salads for you two at night which takes 5 mins. I think it would make life much more enjoyable.
Hobbies are lovely. They’re important and enjoyable and give us an outlet for stress etc.
However, hobbies two evenings a week on top of working every evening is incompatible with harmonious family life.
Prior to children I used to dance, act several times a week.
Now? I’ve found different hobbies that I can dip in to.
My DH is the same.
You also should NOT be doing all the donkey work with the kids and house.
For me, a husband who was at work every evening would be untenable. It’s not how I’d want to live.
I wouldn't live like that OP. The hobbies should take a back seat whilst the children are young. It's selfish to just assume you will be there for the children when he is not. What if you had hobbies too.
I definitely also tend to feel alot of guilt taking time out, as I feel because I work full time I should spend all the remaining time with my children.
Well, he doesn't feel any guilt, does he? And you shouldn't either. You will have a better relationship with your children, if you're not tired and stressed all the time. So stop feeling guilty for needing some time out, and schedule a regular evening each week, so you can go out and do something just for yourself.
I also don't think he should be doing his hobby twice a week, while your children are young. He has responsibilities now, he's not single. If he wanted to continue to have the same freedoms he had as a single man, he shouldn't have started a family. He can't have it both ways.
Why are you doing all the work in the house? You're both working, the chores should be shared.
You say he's a kind man, and would give you the world, time to test him on that. You're not asking for the world, just asking to be treated equally, with respect and compassion. If he denies you this, he's not as kind as you think he is.
There is no way on this green Earth that i'd be OK with the hobbies carrying on.
Unless your hubby can work out an equal amount of time for you to have free to do hobbies, those can go in the bin imo
He cant work so much and have hobbies and young kids.
Something has to give.
I presume the reason you are mortgage free is down to this family business and I heryiting it will be good for you. Unfortunately when you get something that should make life easier, like no mortgage, it comes with strings.
Surya there is compromise. Work less and reducing how many nights he does the hobby?
And you take one up. I dont agree with the premise that because you work you cant take time out just for you and would advocate you expecting that from him either, though.
Slightly different here as I’m a full time student doing a demanding degree, and DH is a SAHP as he’s disabled and can’t work, but can just about managed the house with the help of a cleaner, online shopping etc. But there are times he’s in too much pain/exhausted and I have to take over the entire running of the house as well as study.
4 days a week I’m out the house from 8am - 6pm. We eat dinner, he cleans up whilst I get 3DC homework/bathed/bed. Because I miss them in the day and I enjoy it. I spend about an hour per evening sorting through the days lectures/labs checking my timetable, emails etc.
On the 5th day I study from home when DC are at school. Weekends are a study free zone unless it’s exam season. I get a lie in on Saturdays, he gets one Sundays and a few hours to himself as I take DC to the local Park Run.
He wasn’t always disabled and I was a part time worker; I made the shift to student in order to be able to earn a higher wage when it’s finished due to his illness.
It’s bloody gruelling. You need a serious conversation about this. It’s not on at all.
You should have equal free time however guilt seems to be preventing you from availing yourself of it.
We have no mortgage, no financial concerns
Its unlikely to change as its part of the job.
Maybe he’ll give you the hobby but would two evenings a week actually put things on an even keel?
You are 30 with no mortgage despite having two children... this is an insanely privileged position to be in.
just get home help or accept you are choosing this this life style and get on with it. 🤷♀️
This sounds like my life; I’ve recently told DH that I need two nights to go to the gym each night and at the weekend. I’m happy to work round his hours but I also need to be able to do what’s important to me.
DH likes to also watch sport at the weekend and the agreement is that if he’s doing that I also get time to do what I want.
If he is indeed kind and “would give you the world”, then he can look at the facts and make some changes to do more parenting and enable you to have roughly equal leisure time.
A father with two jobs - one four days a week, the other evenings and weekends - doesn’t have as much time for a regular hobby as your H wishes to spend, without being unfair on you or the DC.
Will DH’s additional earnings from the business be good, to justify his time (on top of his day job)? Has he had independent advice about the business before taking over?
You mention guilt - I get this too - does your H feel guilty too? Doubt it.
If you don’t already have a cleaner, that’d be good as you can afford it. Childcare help too - an ad hoc sitter could be good, so that you can do stuff outside the home like meet friends, exercise, whatever.
greentulips why should she be the one to sacrifice her career?
Why can't he be the one that reduces his hours to accommodate the fact he has a family?
His two full evenings a week doing hobbies would be a bone of contention for me. I appreciate that he works hard but where are your two evenings a week to swan off and do whatever you like? It's a nice thing for him to do but since he's chosen to be in a situation where he's working all these extra hours it seems a bit much that he expects you to facilitate that as well as these two evenings of his leisure time. I would sit down and talk to him about this.
If he pulls the "you financially benefit" card again I would actually call his bluff. Tell him that you don't care about the extra money and you place more value in him spending more time with his family and you being able to have a break and do something for yourself every now and again. Tell him that if it were up to you he would have just sold that business and been around for you and the kids more. I'm not saying make him feel bad about his choices because obviously it's up to him what he does here, but just make it clear that it isn't a big favour to you and he's doing it for himself at your expense. Hopefully that will go some way towards changing the dynamic at home a bit and helping him see that it's unfair to choose to be absent from the home so much whilst you're picking up the slack.
Also I agree with PPs suggesting you hire more help. Cleaner, nanny, au pair. Takeaways. Those meal delivery services where they send you fresh ingredients and a recipe card every week day evening. Literally anything that will make your lives a bit easier.
I haven't read the whole thread but I've had a similar situation. My dh works in a role where he can do lots of overtime and always puts himself forward for it. Over the years, while our friends were having a laugh and going out etc, I would end up stuck at home waiting for him to come in or he would be too exhausted to do anything else when he was at home.
The divorce rate with his colleagues is extremely high and with lots of last minute trips away etc it could be quite stressful. We not have 2 kids and he would much rather be at home than working but because he's flogged his guts out we are almost mortgage free, able to spend on home improvements etc.
We've had a lot of chats over the years about getting the balance right between home/work and it sounds like, with all the changes in his own role and the responsibility that he'll be taking on - not just in a business sense but in a legacy sense, he's not had time to address that yet.
As things settle a bit and it becomes clearer what the status quo is going to be in terms of his schedule you need to be honest, but not judgmental, about what you both want. It's totally ok to want him around more and have more support but equally you need to keep in mind he isn't off having a jolly. I know that sometimes I forget that and it can cause problems in our household. You need to work out what the ultimate goal is. You say you're mortgage free etc, does he want to grow the business and get a higher income or is it a case of keeping it going at its current level and running it so he can have more time etc. Even if he's doing the exact same role as he was through day-to-day tasks I would imagine there's a voice in his head reminding him to do things in a distracted way he's not had before.
Hopefully this makes sense. Less advice as such and more reassurance that you're not alone and certainly not going mad.
Yes he isn’t being fair his hobby takes 2 evenings and Sunday and the rest of the evening time and Sat he works? No wonder you are getting resentful
That just isn’t fair you need to sit down and come up with a fairer balance for both of you. Work out a fair division of me time and family time
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