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To write a letter about DDs male teacher arguing over DD using her toilet pass

(87 Posts)
Whatwaslostandfound Tue 02-Apr-19 14:52:31

NC as I'm going to contact school and obviously don't want other posts linked.

I'm not going to go into masses of details as I'm aware Mumsnet has a weird toilet troll but DD has a toilet pass for school. She's on medication both for very heavy period flooding and bladder issues. She's on medication for both.

She's constantly having issues with one male teacher who won't let her go until he's literally argued with her on why he should let her. If she is lucky he will let her go when the other person with a toilet pass has come back. She can't wait that long and toilets are individual like disabled loos on the corridor near reception so not like they can mess about.

Today's hissy fit is because the children were late for his lesson (a special assembly over ran!) and then dd asked for the toilet half an hour later.

I understand it's annoying but she's on medication AND has a pass. She went through a stage of not drinking anything at lunch as drinking meant that she needed the loo in lesson not long afterwards .

This is not the first time and there have been issues in the past for DD.


Reallyevilmuffin Tue 02-Apr-19 14:55:54

I would. It's essentially like those with IBS who get to use the disabled loos if they're closer to prevent accidents. The decision has already been made, he shouldn't be overruling it, unless she is being a bit extreme because she doesn't like the lesson and always trying to use it to miss parts of the lesson. As long as you're clear that isn't the case write away.

Darkbaptism Tue 02-Apr-19 14:57:10

Could she go before his lesson even if it means being a little late for it, there’s not much he can do once she’s already been.
Does your DD have the confidence to say ‘I’m going to the bathroom ‘ and just leave? Perhaps if the SENCO/ head of year is supportive they could agree to the doing this.

Gilead Tue 02-Apr-19 14:59:09

Write, he's trying to control something he has no right to control and it's unfair and humiliating for your DD.

Laiste Tue 02-Apr-19 15:01:40

Imagine if this was an adult. At work. Being told they cannot go to the toilet to attend to their flooding or bladder problems.

Damn right i'd be writting a letter. But I'd be asking for a meeting with the teacher and i'd be handing it to him myself at the end of the meeting to back up what i'd had to say to him.

Fridasrage Tue 02-Apr-19 15:02:09

March down to the school. What a fucking arsehole. I’d make a complaint about the guy and advise your daughter that she doesn’t need to wait for his permission to leave for the bathroom in future - advise school you’ll be doing this

BadPennyNoBiscuit Tue 02-Apr-19 15:02:22

He is discriminating against her on the grounds of sex and disability. Tell the school to deal with him. If she gets any more hassle then take it further.

Whatwaslostandfound Tue 02-Apr-19 15:10:03

She's not confident enough to speak out or just go. I told her to leave, go to the toilet and go to Senco straight after but she won't. She meets daily to tell Senco how her day has gone because she was having some school anxiety and she says it's too awkward to tell her and has asked me too.
I don't think she is abusing the pass.

Ugh please tell me college is different and not so petty hmm

Gruzinkerbell1 Tue 02-Apr-19 15:10:44

What Penny Said ^

BadPennyNoBiscuit Tue 02-Apr-19 15:12:25

Seriously, I can't imagine how any teacher in this day and age would think this behaviour is appropriate. He needs dealing with.

ThreeAnkleBiters Tue 02-Apr-19 15:14:10

YANBU. I would be telling DD to leave the second she needs the toilet, no arguments and that you will deal with the fallout. I'd also make a complaint to school about the teacher.

Laiste Tue 02-Apr-19 15:15:05

She meets daily to tell Senco how her day has gone because she was having some school anxiety and she says it's too awkward to tell her and has asked me too

OK. Do that. Join your DD at her next meeting with the senco and explain exactly what you have here. That the bastard teacher is giving her grief about using the toilet and that it's causing her anxiety because she can't (and shouldn't be expected to) stand up to him herself.

Oooh i'd be all over this OP.

I know it's hard to think clearly when it's your own DCs OP. But trust me you can get cross, step in and sort this for her flowers

corythatwas Tue 02-Apr-19 15:16:42

Write to him spelling out her medical issues, make sure you mention that she is on medication and that the word medical features in the letter. If you get not joy send the same letter again, copying in the SENCO and the head.

BeardyButton Tue 02-Apr-19 15:20:43

I am usually v pro teacher (as one myself). But ynbu. Defo do smt about this. But! Could you arrange to see him instead? And explain, that he might not know but your dd has this issue. He might not know (or does he defo know?).

Acis Tue 02-Apr-19 15:21:48

Write to both the headteacher and SENCO and ask them to confirm that this teacher has been told that the toilet pass has to be honoured without delay. Also talk to them about what she can do in the event of any repetition, e.g. that they emphasise to her that she is authorised to go even if the teacher says no, and that in that even she is to go to see a designated person who will sort it out for her.

TheInvestigator Tue 02-Apr-19 15:22:30

Just request a meeting with that teacher plus whoever is in charge of the year/care of children etc.

Don't ask anything. Tell them. Tell him that she will go to the toilet when she needs it and it is not his decision. Tell him if he has a problem then he can call you directly each time it happens but he is that the only thing he can say to her is "yes, you can go".

Then, every time she has a class with him send her in with a note from you that she can hand to him at the beginning of each lessons which says the same thing everyday "I've just written this note to remind you that she has a pass because she has medical conditions which she cannot control so when she needs to go, you just let her. Here is my number.... And you can feel free to call me if you need another reminder but you cannot say no to her". Everyday send the same note.

TheInvestigator Tue 02-Apr-19 15:23:41

He is bullying her because she is a girl and one of the problems is a female issue, which no matter how much you tell some men, they just don't believe it to be a problem. I'd bet he wouldn't treat a boy the same way, or a grown woman. So remind him every class that she has a grown woman backing her up and medical advice backing her up.

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 02-Apr-19 15:23:47

What Penny said. He is using your DD as an example. He is absolutely in the wrong.

It is also concerning that the SENCO doesn't hav your DDs confidence. But yes, do tell them, ask them to reassure your DD that if she does choose to simply leave the lesson, use the loo and go to the SENCO she will be suported, not punished!

Ultimately though I would go straigh to the HoD / HoY and explain the humiliation and pain your DD is feeling because of this one teacher's behaviour. Make that really clear - the only teacher that does it and she is in pain, feels humiliated!

cory that should never happen. The teacher knows the passes exists and OPs DD has one. THAT should be enough. He has absolutely no need to know the details (that is what the passes were invented for). DD is entitled to her confidentialty and dignity in this.

SunshineCake Tue 02-Apr-19 15:23:51

What a bullying bastard angry.

Orangecookie Tue 02-Apr-19 15:25:56

Yes but often a good way is to start with a phone call to the school, then letter / meeting. Focus on what works for your DD best and push that clearly.

Sexnotgender Tue 02-Apr-19 15:26:29

What an arsehole. Please meet the SENCO and let them know in no uncertain terms that this bullying twat needs to cease and desist.

Pinkmonkeybird Tue 02-Apr-19 15:27:39

I'd go to fucking town on him.

LL83 Tue 02-Apr-19 15:28:34

Ask for a meeting with this teacher and head of year to discuss your dd's toilet pass arrangement and make sure he knows she cannot be delayed.

Zilla1 Tue 02-Apr-19 15:29:40

I'm sorry your DD is going through this. If necessary, I would ask to meet the Head and this teacher together rather than the teacher on his own. If the Head is male then I would also ask for the the most senior woman on the school's SLT to participate.

I would then ask this teacher for an explanation.

I would ask him if he thought the toilet pass had been issued in error.

I would ask him to explain how he would feel if he bled heavily on a period in front of his classmates and a male teacher stopped him from going to the loos.

I would ask him to explain how he would feel every time he has to ask to go to the toilets and there is a discussion in front of his classmates rather than the presumably hoped-for wave out of the door that a toilet pass should give (as presumably the reasons for the pass have been agreed before it was issued).

If he and the Headteacher are not thoroughly embarrassed and agree to this being handled sensitively then I would insist on discussing things in the most visceral way and asking these men uncomfortable questions until it sank in.

I might be tempted to make a covert audio recording in case you needed to escalate it further.

notatwork Tue 02-Apr-19 15:32:39

She's asked you to contact them.
So completely reasonable to do so.

I really like TheInvestigator's note above.

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