Advanced search

To think my friend is being selfish and unreasonable in planning to ‘trap’ her DP into pregnancy.

(73 Posts)
Elfintreehuggywugger Tue 02-Apr-19 11:34:03

My DF has been going through a rough patch with her DP.

They’ve been together around 10 years, give or take. From what I can gather, her OH has tried to end their relationship several times over the past couple of years. She point blank refuses to move out and so does he.

He’s recently told her that he’s not loved her for years and they need to go their separate years - yet, they’re still sleeping together (according to her)

She’s heartbroken and devastated, evidently still very much in love with this man. She admitted to me last week that she hasn’t been taking her contraceptive pill for a while. She instantly admitted that she was crazy for even thinking about it but can bring herself to take it - she feels as though a baby is the one thing missing from their relationship and that it would bring them closer together.

I love my friend dearly but I honestly don’t see how this can end well. It’s deceptive, cruel and not fair on him, nor the baby.

Don’t get me wrong, if he was serious about ending things, he should’ve taken the first step to move out and he certainly shouldn’t still be using her for sex.

How do I sensitively warm her off this idea? I’ve tried already but it’s falling on deaf ears.

Littleraindrop15 Tue 02-Apr-19 11:35:38

Tell her dp

Jackshouse Tue 02-Apr-19 11:35:46

You need to tell her that she will probably end up a single parent. Planned babies put a massive strain on good relationships. This will not end well for her.

Elfintreehuggywugger Tue 02-Apr-19 11:40:33

@Jackshouse yes, I was wanting to say something like that to her by wasn’t sure how best to put it.

@Littleraindrop15 the thought had crossed my mind.

GreatDuckCookery Tue 02-Apr-19 11:42:30

Tricky one. When someone is like this there’s no talking sense to them, all you can do is point out that it’s deceptive and wrong and he could end up leaving her anyway.

SkintAsASkintThing Tue 02-Apr-19 11:44:32

Sod the friendship.

You need to tell her dp before he's forced into being financially and emotionally tied to this fruitcake for the next 18 years. That just isn't fair.

KarmaStar Tue 02-Apr-19 11:48:37

Baby is a huge strain.this will not magically repair her relationship,it will,quite rightly,anger her dp and it will cement his resolve to end things seeing how she has planned this behind his back.
So,if,when,he ends it,can she afford to bring up a baby alone?
A pure,innocent baby should not be dragged into this op and you are right to be concerned.
If you have been as blunt as you can,you either tell him and risk losing her friendship,or say nothing and hope she realises what a foolish step she is taking.
An awful position for you to be in and at the end of the day you can only do your best.good luck.

SerenDippitty Tue 02-Apr-19 11:48:57

A baby won't mend their relationship. It will be another bar on the prison window as far as he's concerned.

nornironrock Tue 02-Apr-19 11:51:16

Tell him now.

There's nothing to add.

PregnantSea Tue 02-Apr-19 11:54:45

She will end up a single parent. Her being pregnant won't make him magically love her, it puts a strain on even the strongest relationships. She's heartbroken and not thinking clearly. I would really push home to her how much of a bad idea this is. Of course, she will do it anyway if she really wants to.

Although it's worth remembering that this man says he hasn't loved her for years and knows how she feels about him and still keeps sleeping with her. Obviously he doesn't deserve to be lied to because of this but he is willingly putting himself in a very vulnerable position. They're both being really daft IMO.

LL83 Tue 02-Apr-19 11:57:56

Both as bad as each other. He should not be having sex with her knowing she loves him and he doesn't. That doesn't mean she should come off pill and not tell him.

I would support friend and help her see how unlikely it is baby will help and how difficult being a single parent might be. After that I would stay out of it.

PaperFlowers4 Tue 02-Apr-19 12:02:45

He said he doesn’t want to be with her, but is still sleeping with her? No wonder she can’t move on emotionally, he is actually stringing her along because everytime they have sex it will make her think she has a chance of saving the relationship. And he certainly shouldn’t be sleeping with her if he doesn’t want to risk a baby. If he wants to end the relationship he should act like an adult and move out and separate himself from her, because she clearly can’t let go.

I blame him more than her for this situation because she is still in love with him and he knows it.

Upsydausy Tue 02-Apr-19 12:04:47

How old is your friend

Jumbo2000 Tue 02-Apr-19 12:06:25

I’d tell him. Your friend is a twat.

Ellenborough Tue 02-Apr-19 12:14:37

Are you likely to be the ONLY person who knows she is doing this?

If not then find a way to let him know anonymously if you can't bear to do it in person.

If you are the only one then you are going to have to gird your loins and tell her that you are going to have to tell him. that she leaves you no choice and it's ultimately in her best interests that he should know, as well as his.

She'll probably be furious and feel betrayed by you, but if the friendship doesn't survive the fallout that will be her fault, not yours.

LucyAutumn Tue 02-Apr-19 12:16:04

Tell him. This is horrendously unfair.

Boysey45 Tue 02-Apr-19 12:16:18

I'd stay quiet its non of your business.
Hes a cunt anyway.

Summerontheway Tue 02-Apr-19 12:16:20

I agree with the posters saying he is wrong for sleeping with her. I think you should support your friend but not tell her DP. No one really knows what's going on behind closed doors and you're only hearing her side of it. If he didn't want to be with her he'd have left in my opinion

Eliza9917 Tue 02-Apr-19 12:17:26

@Boysey45 Tue 02-Apr-19 12:16:18
I'd stay quiet its non of your business.
Hes a cunt anyway.

So a baby deserves to be brought in to this mess?

MadameAnchou Tue 02-Apr-19 12:17:31

I wouldn't say a word to either of them. They're as bad as each other. How old is she? Personally, as a person who was able to have children myself, I feel that being preachy or self-righteous towards others who don't and desperately want one would be quite smug and mean-spirited on my part.

All this saying 'she's a twat', well, OP, the fact that you're thinking of telling her partner behind her back says a lot about you, too. If you don't support or agree with her, why not do the mature thing, tell her so, and end the friendship rather than airing her dirty laundry on a huge internet site known to tabloids and slagging her off? Does it make you feel better about yourself? More morally superior?

limitedperiodonly Tue 02-Apr-19 12:17:35

They are both crackers. Why do you care about either them?

Asta19 Tue 02-Apr-19 12:17:55

Is she lying to him, or is he just assuming she's still taking the pill? Ultimately he is choosing to still sleep with her, knowing how she feels. So I don't have a huge amount of sympathy for him. He could use condoms if he wants to guard against an unwanted pregnancy. You've tried to warn her and she doesn't want to listen. So here is where it stops being your business imo. She's a grown adult and it's up to her what she does.

userxx Tue 02-Apr-19 12:19:18

@Boysey45 Why is he a cunt?

outpinked Tue 02-Apr-19 12:19:21

He’s as bad as her imo. He knows he doesn’t love her and wants to end the relationship but is still having unprotected sex with her? And yeah, he doesn’t know she’s not taking the pill but if he knows their relationship is basically over, he should not be risking it.

She is naive at best, moronic at worst. Of course a baby shouldn’t be used as magical adhesive, it never works. He will get angry if she gets pregnant and walk out, she will be a single parent and have to deal with him at weekends for the next 18 years. Poor perspective baby being brought into that situation as well.

Ok101 Tue 02-Apr-19 12:20:52

My dhs ex tried this. Luckily she told a mutual friend and he found out and he left her for the deceit. He wasnt ready for kids at the time. And was very young. Tell her dp.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »