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Asking grieving husband for a divorce. AiBU? WWYD?

(87 Posts)
OrangesNectarines Tue 02-Apr-19 11:15:30

I am in a very difficult situation at the moment.

I have been married to my husband for 6 years and we have two pre school aged children.

Over the years my husband has always been emotionally abusive towards me. I have only just accepted this after recently researching and understanding what EA/DV actually is and all the effects it has.

This has left me very unhappy for most of our marriage. I have stayed for the sake of our D.C. and my religious and cultural beliefs, with the hopes that things will get better. I now understand that this isn’t considered the best approach to take in such situations.

I have confronted and addressed his behaviour to him over the years, he has finally acknowledged his shortcomings and has agreed to change / seek professional help. Last year things were very difficult but things have gotten better recently. Unfortunately I am still very unhappy with the marriage. I think this is due to resentment and the way I feel I’ve been treated over the years. With this I’ve decided that It’s in my best interests to divorce him and move on.

The only issue is that his father has passed away this morning! I feel very sad for him and I don't want to let him down while we are "trying to make things better".

I was planning to have “the conversation” with him within the next few weeks and I was in the process of preparing myself and plucking courage to do this. But this unfortunate news has come by!! And now I'm stuck!

I’ve also been offered a house with our LA which fuelled my desire to finally leave him and move on. I really don’t want him to move in with us, as I considered this to be a fresh start for my kids and I.

I am honestly torn. I’m really sad that his dad has passed but if I’m honest, I am terrified by the thought of continuing in such a unhappy, loveless environment.

Just wanted views on how I can approach this.

I am very short for time as I will have to move into the new property within a few weeks. I really don’t want him to come.

Tia

IvanaPee Tue 02-Apr-19 11:20:02

I’m probably a bitch but I’d still leave.

One tragedy in his life doesn’t negate the years of suffering he put you through.

I’d accept the house, informing them that you’re the sole tenant, and I would tell him that you’re very sorry about his father but you’ll be leaving on X date with the children.

Chances are he’s going to bad mouth you to all and sundry anyway. And if his dad hadn’t died then he’d find some other stick to beat you with as abusers are wont to do.

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner Tue 02-Apr-19 11:24:40

What would he do if the positions were reversed ? Carry on as planned. You could be embroiled for years otherwise. There will never be a good time.

AryaStarkWolf Tue 02-Apr-19 11:25:00

This is your best chance at making a clean break up, you wi said you were planning on telling him in a few weeks so it's not exactly telling him the day his dad died. I think you need to be selfish now and do it for yourself

Quartz2208 Tue 02-Apr-19 11:25:46

Sensitively and proceed as before - you cannot put your life and leaving on hold

SuperLoudPoppingAction Tue 02-Apr-19 11:26:13

I would still leave especially if there's an affordable house on the horizon

nrpmum Tue 02-Apr-19 11:26:13

With IvanaPee so if she's a bitch, I am too. There is never going to be a good time to go tbh so you might as well carry out your plan. Don't miss this opportunity.

BiscuitDrama Tue 02-Apr-19 11:27:29

What I would do is give it as long as you can until you have to tell him. And then tell him. So the few weeks you mention.

Preggosaurus9 Tue 02-Apr-19 11:28:17

Definitely go ahead. What will staying do? Nothing good for anyone.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops Tue 02-Apr-19 11:28:29

I'd go. You cannot miss that house.

Preggosaurus9 Tue 02-Apr-19 11:29:04

Ps you're not "asking him for a divorce I hope" .. telling him you are getting a divorce!

LadyB49 Tue 02-Apr-19 11:29:36

As pp have said, there is never a good time, and he will be bad mouthing you anyway.

However, I'd wait until after the funeral to tell him.

In the meantime if you have to make arrangements because of the time factor, then do so.

NoooorthonerMum Tue 02-Apr-19 11:31:16

If there's emotional abuse I'd just leave and never look back.

Hadalifeonce Tue 02-Apr-19 11:32:38

OK, the timing is not that good, but you still have to do it. we're talking about the rest of your life, obviously very sad about his father's death; you won't get this opportunity again I assume, if you turn down this house now.

Mrsjayy Tue 02-Apr-19 11:34:54

Accept the new house and still leave speak to the housing officer about when you need to start paying rent but i think you would probably fall back into routine, do you have any outside support?

Drum2018 Tue 02-Apr-19 11:35:41

Continue with your plans to leave. Make sure you have everything sorted for yourself - financially, legally. Do not apologise for leaving at a bad time in his life as he has put you through much worse.

Uptheshard Tue 02-Apr-19 11:42:18

Make a clean break. Now or never. You can't miss this chance for you and your children.

Zoflorabore Tue 02-Apr-19 11:43:44

This pretty much happened to me a few years ago ( no EA ) but was and still am very unhappy.
I told him I wanted him out as it's my house and 3 days later his dad died tragically.

I couldn't do it to him so have suffered myself instead. I wish I had had the guts to see it through op. Don't be like me and spend years regretting it.

eddielizzard Tue 02-Apr-19 11:56:51

This is your chance. Grab it with both hands. It might be a long time before you get another, and a lot more damage done.

The timing is awful, but carry on with plans to leave. Tell him as late as you can.

SchadenfreudePersonified Tue 02-Apr-19 12:04:41

Don't risk losing the house you have been offered. Accept it, and tell your husband that you are going. It is awful that the timing has worked out like tis, but that is no-one's fault.

If you delay, he will emotionally blackmail you into staying MUCH longer than you want to - and you may not get the opportunity to leave at all.

Good luck OP. It isn't going to be an easy conversation, but you need to put your own emotional and mental health first - especially as you have dependent children.

flowers

over50andfab Tue 02-Apr-19 12:05:44

Personally, I'd at least give it a few weeks before telling him, especially if he was very close to his DF. I agree there is never a right time - and I was too stupid nice and stayed with my ex for many years too long.

Telling him sooner might have a negative impact on others around you - his family and mutual friends that you want to have a good relationship with after the split. This could have a knock on effect to your DC.

However, I'd certainly keep going with any plans, but perhaps at a slightly slower pace?

Bluesmartiesarebest Tue 02-Apr-19 12:09:46

It’s unfortunate timing but you still have to leave. He could have chosen to change his EA behaviour a lot sooner but he didn’t so the damage to your marriage was already done before he made an effort to be nicer to you. If you don’t leave he could easily slip back into being nasty again, especially while he is grieving.

This will sound very bitchy, but I feel you think he will cause big problems while you move out, can you arrange to get your stuff moved out during the funeral?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Tue 02-Apr-19 12:11:19

Get the house, keep planning as you did and prepare for the move, you can still tell him in a few weeks time as you anticipated, it is not as if you are dropping the bomb today.

PregnantSea Tue 02-Apr-19 12:11:20

There will never be a good time to tell him. What do you think he would do if the roles were reversed?

When it's time to go it's time to go. You could be writing a similar thread to this in a year's time because something else has happened. Just go.

Boysey45 Tue 02-Apr-19 12:13:01

Don't be loosing the house through tip toeing round him. You need to tell him and move out.
I wouldn't want to be supporting him either, could you move to your Mums in the meantime before the house is ready? You owe him nothing, remember that.

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