To cancel cinema trip?

[goodfornothinggnome]

So were really going through it at the moment with DD.

A lot has changed recently with her, shes going through puberty, so were sort of trying to stop babying her, but shes really not being very good at the moment.

Last week I said to her, let's meet in town for coffee and we can do some shopping. DD asked if she could bring a friend, I said ok, that'll be fine- I knew it would change the trip, but that's ok. I waited in Starbucks, she turns up with her friend, says can I have the money for my shopping- ok so she wants to hold money for her stuff, she can learn to budget then I think to myself.
She gets a coffee for her and her friend to take away.....and stroll past me. So i realise I've been left. No shopping trip together. I was a little bit upset, but thought I don't want to ruin this for her or me, I'll go off for a walk around myself. I saw her several times, and she completely blanked me.

I got a call a bit later to take her friends (they gained another friend in town) I'd calmly explained I thought it was a trip for us to talk and shop together without her dad. I just got a stern OK and folded arms.

On Saturday, she started moaning that she needed to go out and get a mothers day present for me, she saw it the other day in primark whilst with her friends, I said, why didn't you buy it then? Her reply, Dad buys your presents. So come Sunday, he says we will go and get you a gift, and got me a pandora bracelet and a few charms. She started saying I'd lost a bracelet of hers when I cleaned her room...mumsnet, I'm telling you all I didn't touch or see it. She then went quiet.
My husband said let's go and get a coffee and doughnut, because she loves it. It's an ongoing joke that every time I go past a travel agency I book a holiday, so was joking that I could run to a travel agency nearby and book next years holiday (see it is a joke because we don't have a holiday for next year planned yet!) She started to grab at me and before I knew it, she had slapped me around the face. I was really upset with her, quite shocked because we don't even play like that so her insistence she was playing wasn't even understandable to me.

Then last night she said to me, don't worry about tucking me in tonight, I'll put myself to bed, so I'm thinking theres something upstairs she doesn't want me to see. So I take her up to bed, and I realise her bathroom door is closed. Unlike her as she likes the bathroom door open and the light on, so theres a little bit of light in her bedroom.

Her bathroom is a complete shit tip. Mumsnet, I don't know how she managed it, but there are full on blobs of conditioner all over the bath, the sink is smeared with nail varnish, the toilet is full of loo roll and there are clothes all over the floor.

This morning she refused to get ready for school, she took an hour and a half to put on a top and leggings- forgot to shower (despite being told 3 times this morning!) She was "ready" 10 minutes after we should have left. She had her shoes in her hand, jumper wrapped around her waist, and she didn't "need" a coat. She told me she would put shoes on when she was in school. So I said, no way, you put your shoes on IN this house. You put your jumper on, and your coat too. We are late, so do it quickly. She huffs at me and rolls her eyes.

I cancelled her trip to the cinema tonight with her friends.

I feel like an absolute cow, because she went into school crying, but I'm actually refusing to take her and 3 friends to the cinema, pay for their tickets and sweets, to then take these children home after, to continue to have our home, and me treated this way.

I'm sorry this is so long and massively detailed, but I just need to vent a little bit.

I know the shopping trip is just 11 year olds not thinking, but i just feel like the way she went about it showed there was no respect at all for me. She could have said, I'd prefer to just go with a friend. It would have saved me waiting around, and a trip to town I didn't even want!

[glenthebattleostrich]

After the slap mine wouldn't be leaving the house for a month, let alone going for coffee and doughnuts.

My 9 year old is starting with this. She's started refusing to clean her room tidy her toys away and her attitude is awful. I'm dreading the next few years to be honest, seriously considering saving up for boarding school.

YANBU cancelling the trip, she needs to realise that actions have consequences. I frequently remind dd that I'm not here to be her best friend, I'm here to parent her.

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

Wow, just wow!

I'd come down on her like a tonne of bricks, every luxury would go and she'd be grounded.

Boundaries need to be completely reset, she's treating you and the house like crap and you're enabling it.

[llangennith]

Boundaries need to be completely reset, she's treating you and the house like crap and you're enabling it.

My thoughts entirely.

[FudgeBrownie2019]

Ok so the bathroom/shit tip stuff can be handled easily - none of that matters particularly. The going off with a friend thing is normal and understandable. I wouldn't go off my nut about either, I'd perhaps say 'you need to sort your bathroom before you do x, y and z" and hold fast on it. No need for crossness or upset, just straightforward expectations and directions.

I'd also say to her that you'd like a shopping trip just for you two at some point, and be explicit about it, because my teen currently can't interpret anything nuanced or understated - it's partly his teen brain unable to deal with it, and partly just the fact that he's ignorant. I've also realised that because he's in the "teen unlistening" phase that if I reel off a long list of instructions the shutters come down and he does nothing. If I say "I need you to..." and give short, direct instructions he has less to process but also less to retain since his head is filled with xbox and snapchat.

The slap I'd go bezerk about. She's going to separate herself from you and it's normal for her to need you less. What's not ok is that level of disrespect, and you need to work on that. Cancelling the cinema trip might make her furious and you feel like crap, but she needs to see and feel a consequence if she's being so awful, and that's a good place to start.

[BetsyBigNose]

I was expecting you to say she was 14 or 15 OP, I was shocked when I read she is only 11.

My DD1 is also 11 (yr 7, so 12 in 2 months) and there is simply no way I would tolerate such behaviour from her and she knows it.

DH and I have worked hard over the years to teach our DDs respect and kindness, so if they were ever to act in the way your 'D'D has done, I would assume something was very wrong.

When it comes to her bathroom, I would get her to do it on the evening when she would have been at the cinema with her friends, the bathroom is then off limits to her until she can earn back the privilege (which she clearly doesn't respect or appreciate).

Regarding the shopping trip, I would have said hello to her friend, invited her to join us for a drink in the coffee shop, but would have made it clear that the shopping trip was just me and my DD. Your DD can try and kick up a fuss, but at the first sign of it, I would have taken her home.

With regards to her slapping you - that's simply outrageous. Does your DH hit you, do you hit him or the children? You and DH need to sit down with her and tell her that yours is 'not a hitting household - it is NOT how we communicate with each other' as you would with a toddler (although why she doesn't get this at 11 years old, I'm astounded). Then there needs to be a suitable punishment - for something so serious, I would consider grounding for a month with no clubs and no phone, except when she goes to school (assuming you need to be able to get in touch with her, or see where she is etc. during the day).

You really do need to take a firm hand now, otherwise you'll be back on Mumsnet in a year or two asking what to do about your wild teen, who won't listen to a word you say, treats the house like a hotel and hits people as a way of communicating with them.

I've been harsh, I know, but the time to nip this in the bud is now. You need to reopen those lines of communication with her or you're going to lose her.

[SubisYodrethwhenLarping]

I was expecting a 14 or 15 year old too

[Steamedbadger]

This generally looks like a bunch of fairly typical puberty angst, apart from the slap which is totally unacceptable and needs to be dealt with separately imo. For the rest, stay firm and don't let her take the mickey, but maybe try to have a chat too as she's obviously unhappy.

[Namechangeforthiscancershit]

A fair amount of normal pre-teen stuff that just needs nipping in the bud.

But the slap is pretty bad. What on earth was that about? Has she seen anyone slap you?

[NoooorthonerMum]

The only thing that is awful is the slap. That is massively out of line. I would remain calm and explain that you've lost trust in her and as a result she'll need to .

I get the impression she wants a bit more independence. This is fine and natural at her age Shopping with your friends in stead of mum? Fine. Not wanting to be tucked in? Normal. BUT she needs to understand it comes with responsibilities.

Instead of handing money out as and when she could get an allowance contingent on her doing specific chores around the house. When her allowance is gone it's gone. No chores no allowance.

It might be that when she's treated more like an adult (and that includes all the rubbish parts of being an adult like emptying the dish washer as well as more freedom) she steps ups bit.

[goodfornothinggnome]

Thank you everyone, the thing is, and I know I'm at fault here, but shes been so good - honestly, lovely in nature, and thoughtful I've been soft on her, ive had little to pull her up on, except for being a slob- but what child isn't? Just a few months ago, I was told by her teacher how wonderful she is, and that her upbringing really shows (words that were really touching because I have tried really hard, but theres not been much worth punishment iyswim?)

And no, we never hit in our house. As a child our parents were a little over the top with the physical punishments so have always made a point of dealing with her in other ways. She loses pocket money, loses a day out shes looking forward to, loses something she wants to get....today I'm fighting the urge to clear everything except her bed out of her room, and cancel everything. She enjoys.

All the effort over the years, to give her what I didn't have, to just give her a nice life, and she treats stuff and me this way. Its hurtful.

Let me upload photos of the sink, because it was bad.

[goodfornothinggnome]

I'm trying to give her independence, which is why I'm not too bothered by the shopping trip, it's how she did it I wasn't fond of. Mum, I wanna shop with my friends, if you can pick me up that would be great, instead of having me wait in town, then when she sees me in a shop just walking past like she didn't see me, seems a bit.... I'm not sure of the word. Maybe it's just that it's a new area for us, and neither of us dealt with It very well.

The tucking in thing was weird because she loves being tucked in, she requests it still! Were sort of trying to let her figure out some of her boundaries, which I think is where it's going to pot.

[Beclaboo]

What on earth did she slap you for? Does she not want to be taken on a lovely holiday abroad? Or is she annoyed with the running joke?

[goodfornothinggnome]

Multiple nail polishes in the sink.

[goodfornothinggnome]

Sink

[outpinked]

A lot of her behaviour sounds normal for a pubescent pre-teen aside from slapping you around the face, definitely not ever acceptable at any age. She doesn’t deserve the cinema, you have definitely done the right thing. She deserves grounding and having all technology removed imo.

Wanting to be with friends instead of parents is a normal part of growing up though, however upsetting it may be.

[whitesoxx]

Get her scrubbing that sink! And she slapped you? I just don't understand how she slapped you out of nowhere?

I know she wants independence but she is a child. I would be pulling her back a little bit and reminding her exactly how old she is. I thought you were going to say 15

[goodfornothinggnome]

I think it's the destination of the holiday she doesn't want. We do the same holiday each year, child centric. We've decided next year that we will go to Mexico. All of us, not just me and DH. Maybe that was why? I don't know.

[MummytoTw0]

I'd park your emotions aside, I know that will be hard as she's being quite cruel and you're obviously upset

But I'd parent this situation

Explain to her you're having none of this nonsense, and she's grounded until she can become a reasonable polite human being again.

[Ratbagcatbag]

I think you are spot on about the cinema trip being cancelled. Do not budge on this.
Consequences for actions.

As for wearing a coat and jumper, meh, ignore, I was exactly the same, I just didn't feel the cold. If she gets cold she will get dressed more appropriately.

The Starbucks incident id be cross about, and I'd make it clear there is no more money for shopping trips. I like what a previous poster said regarding an allowance. I think when my daughters a bit older I'll set up the "go Henry" card. That way you don't need to keep reminding her what chores need to be done to release money into her bank account, she can clearly see. If she doesn't do them she doesn't get the allowance.

[HeyNannyNanny]

Sorry for kind of missing the point, but why is an 11 year old drinking coffee?

[goodfornothinggnome]

Worst thing is I couldn't get her to do the sink. It needed cleaning with neat nail polish remover, couldn't have her breathing In those chemicals and water to clean the cough...I thought it was gonna kill me considering It took a good 10 minutes to do. It was round the taps and everything..
The rest is hers though.

[SEsofty]

Ok take a deep breath.

You clearly love her so much and are trying really hard.

But how she treats you is not on. She is a child. A growing child but still a child.

I think that it would be a good idea to collectively agree family rules. And that she has to do certain jobs eg room clean and tidy, load dishwasher each night etc in order to get pocket money

[Hollowvictory]

11???!!!i have 2 x 11 year olds. None of this would be happening in my house. The hitting, the messy bathroom, the general. Rudeness and ungratefulness the whole lot!

[goodfornothinggnome]

Starbucks seems to be a fashion choice for these kids, always decaf, usually no syrup and skinny frappe? ...so I didn't even realise I wasn't being joined until they walked past!

[whitesoxx]

Sounds like she's had it all her own way for the last 11 years.

Going for coffees and her own bathroom. Holidays all centred around her. I know this is normal and easy to slip into but she needs to see that the world doesn't revolve around her.

Why were you taking her friends to the cinema and paying for everything? Is it her birthday?