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to be nervous my son will take after his fuckwit of a father?

(28 Posts)
weirdbutok Tue 02-Apr-19 09:42:49

I don't know how I ended up with his dad. We are polar opposites. I was pregnant very quickly after we moved in together and that's when the abuse started. It was awful and I realised that we were wrong together. I panicked but would not have a termination as I believed I could never have children due to major surgery I had, and whilst a risky pregnancy, I wanted to continue. I do not regret this and love my son an incredible amount.

I'm a fairly intelligent woman with a PhD who likes to read and keep up to date with current affairs. I am an excellent mother and have to remind myself of all I've been through as I often feel I'm worth nothing. I'm proud of my achievements. Not stealth boasting - I just know how hard I've worked. My ex, DS Dad, is so incredibly stupid. All he does is sit on his phone all day, looks at memes, plays PlayStation, etc. This is all fine, but it's all he does. I don't even know what we talked about. He lied to me about his political beliefs (told me he voted labour but actually voted UKIP), I've learned recently that he holds racist views (and me and his son are mixed race!) - I saw a glimpse of this when he wanted to tick the 'Caucasian' box on a form when we took my son to the doctors (my son is very fair, but mixed race regardless). He is a vile human being and I feel like a selfish idiot at times for having a child with him. I could tell you many more things I do not like about him, but won't bore you.

I don't know how I came to find myself with this abusive man child. It just happened. He's not seeing DS at the moment but I hear he is meeting a solicitor soon so court will be looming.

I feel highly damaged by him. I'm broken and recovering from his abuse.

Does my son have any hope of being a normal, balanced human being with such a fool of a father?

madcatladyforever Tue 02-Apr-19 09:49:34

My ex was highly abusive. I left him when my son was 5. My DS is nothing whatsoever like his father as he was raised properly by me.
He is an adult now and still sees his father but they have nothing in common and don't really like each other.
I didn't allow gaming in my home despite the peer pressure. I encouraged reading and crafts. My son is a professional artist now. I wouldn't worry if I were you. He will take his lead from the parent he respects the most.

HardofCleaning Tue 02-Apr-19 09:52:40

Does my son have any hope of being a normal, balanced human being with such a fool of a father?

Yes. You're no longer with the dad. You're not condoning his behaviour by living with him and you're providing him with a lovely, stable, loving home. He'll spend most of his time with you, I'm sure having intelligent conversations. He'll be absolutely fine.

weirdbutok Tue 02-Apr-19 09:54:23

mad you must be very proud of your son. It's a difficult career to master but great that you encouraged this. Had it not been for you who knows, he may never have discovered this talent!

I worry greatly about his views towards race. Three people have told me how racist he is and I never, ever saw it. His dad was racist in front of me but I put that down to a separate issue. In hindsight the fact that my ex never corrected him was awful.

weirdbutok Tue 02-Apr-19 09:55:47

hard thank you. It's not even all about intelligence. If my son ends up not being very academic, but is kind, cultured and simply a good person then I'll be overjoyed. I just worry about his awful father's influence.

corythatwas Tue 02-Apr-19 10:01:21

He doesn't have to be his dad.
But if you want to ensure that, please, please do try to avoid sending the vibes that this is something that is likely to happen, or that every time he deviates from your standards that is a sign he is turning into his dad.

It is so easy to be the purveyor of a self-fulfilling prophecy in your situation. You don't want that.

And try not to get being non-academic mixed with racist views or laziness.

I am an academic. My son struggled to get 5 GCSE's and is still working on scraping his maths GSCE before he leaves Sixth Form. He will certainly not be going to university. He does not share any of our artistic or musical or literary or outdoors interests, and we have very little to talk about in terms of shared ground.

That has NOTHING AT ALL to do with whether he is a decent person (he is!) or whether I can be proud of him (I am! Enormously!)

Your son did not choose his father. Consequently he deserves the same openness as he would have been entitled to if his father had been a lovely person. That doesn't mean you have to allow gaming if you think it is inappropriate. Just that you need to accept that every time we give birth, we give birth to a new person who may be totally different from what we thought. Decent is what matters.

BarbarianMum Tue 02-Apr-19 10:08:51

He isn't his father. Neither will all his negative traits flow from him.

weirdbutok Tue 02-Apr-19 10:09:20

Of course cory he is his own person and I would never assume that any behaviour that was different from my own was automatically due to his father. Not in a million years.

Did my post come across like I was equating being non-academic to racism or laziness? It certainly wasn't intended. And certainly isn't my own view on life. Academia is what I chose - 'tis only one path (as my father says!)

As per me previous post, I just wish for him to be kind.

Nnnnnineteen Tue 02-Apr-19 10:10:57

My dd is very similar to her father unfortunately and also looks a lot like him. We split up when dd was tiny but i still find it difficult at times that she is so like him.

weirdbutok Tue 02-Apr-19 10:12:30

Also I am aware that everyone can turn out a number of different ways and my son will likely have negative personality traits, will do things I do not like or agree with and will probably be unkind at times in his life, as I'm sure is similar most normal people - this wasn't what I was referring to in my OP. I am concerned that his father will negatively influence him and am concerned about his views having an impact on my son.

corythatwas Tue 02-Apr-19 10:12:49

It was the inclusion of "cultured" that had me slightly worried. You can be completely cultured- opera, appreciation of the beauties of art and nature, speak 15 foreign languages, be a brilliant conversationalist- and still be a racist arsehole. Or you can be a kind decent person whose main interest are daft memes.

weirdbutok Tue 02-Apr-19 10:14:22

nnn that must be hard. I find it difficult that my DS looks like him. It's hard being reminded of your abuser every day. But he's also the most gorgeous little person I've ever seen at the same time.

BarbarianMum Tue 02-Apr-19 10:17:04

Well of course his father will have an influence on him. Not easy to tell how that will pan put though. Fe my father's huge misogyny was what first turned me on to feminism. I dont share his homophobic or racist views either. My brother on the other hand is a real chip off the old block.

weirdbutok Tue 02-Apr-19 10:17:55

cory I do want him to be cultured. I want him to be accepting of people regardless of their background, and not a racist fool like his dad. I want him to know that there is more to life than Facebook, computer games and Instagram. I also said that memes/PlayStation etc are fine, I look at memes sometimes (especially in the Brexit era) but stated that it's all he does (he could come home and look at memes for 3 hours without so much as lifting a finger in the house, talking to me, helping with our son etc).

I don't want my post to be taken the wrong way. It's hard to explain well exactly what you mean in a short space.

LuvSmallDogs Tue 02-Apr-19 10:21:45

My DH and DF’s dad’s were real arseholes - dunno how they stood on race, but they were abusers - and my DF and DH are both lovely. I know there’s a “monkey see monkey do” stereotype of kids with nasty parents, but IME it’s not so cut and dried.

corythatwas Tue 02-Apr-19 11:07:33

dictionary definition of "cultured"= "characterized by refined taste and manners and good education"'; it's got nothing to do with being a nice person, or being racist

it's a common slur less cultured people that they are somehow more racists; studies don't seem to bear this out

you may find your son grows up to appreciate reading and art and nice table manners

or you may find he doesn't
(though I do think you can be strict with the table manners wink)

neither has anything to do with whether he turns out to be a racist

plenty of naice cultured racists

weirdbutok Tue 02-Apr-19 16:48:41

@corythatwas maybe my understanding of cultured is wrong. I meant to just be well rounded an understanding of the ways of the world. Clearly I'm proof that being educated doesn't make you intelligent! 🤦🏽‍♀️

Beargrin Tue 02-Apr-19 17:02:35

My partner's mum had similar's worries but he's honestly the nicest, most caring man in the world. His dad is the nastiest piece of work you can imagine and he lived with him for most of his teen years, I guess he saw how bad his dad was and decided to not be like that. Luckily he has an amazing mum!!

MuinteoirTuirseach Tue 02-Apr-19 17:52:59

Three people have told me how racist he is and I never, ever saw it.

How old is he (sorry if you already said, I re-read your OP and didn't see it) and who was it that told you? That makes quite a big difference to how worried you should be about this, IMO.

weirdbutok Tue 02-Apr-19 18:00:57

@MuinteoirTuirseach how old is my ex? He's early 30s. My son is still breastfed. Very little. I am interested in religion and a friend gave me a Quran to read, I found it in the bin and my ex said he didn't want it in the house. He also made nasty comments about hijabs, and has shared posts from EDL and pro Brexit (anti immigrant) stuff online (this is since we broke up, my mum was on his page and she saw it. Sadly she didn't screen shot it. He's deleted all friends and family now). His ex has told me he's racist, his brother and his mum. He also agreed with what happened re windrush when it was on the news, this is when I was pregnant, knowing that my grandmother is a nearly 80 year old Caribbean woman... it's like he suddenly felt comfortable saying what he wanted around me once he found out I was pregnant. It was the refusal to admit that my son was mixed race and his ex telling me 'I was surprised he ended up with a black woman' that made me see red.

HollowTalk Tue 02-Apr-19 18:06:23

How often will he see your son? Is he attached to him?

I think you're going to be a really great influence on your son. Don't forget the way your ex is is nearly all due to upbringing. Your son will lead a very, very different life.

HollowTalk Tue 02-Apr-19 18:07:36

I've just re-read your OP. So he's not seeing your son at the moment but he's planning to go through the courts?! Does he actually have the money for that or does he like to brag about things without actually doing them?

weirdbutok Tue 02-Apr-19 18:10:15

@HollowTalk my son hasn't seen him for a while, he's only a few months old so doesn't know who he is. He wouldn't recognise him if he saw him now. No idea how often he will see him, I guess the courts will decide that...

Thank you. I don't know why I'm so worried about it all.

weirdbutok Tue 02-Apr-19 18:11:35

I doubt it as he's just been through court with his ex......... for the same reason..... sad

SimonJT Tue 02-Apr-19 18:20:01

Our childrens nature is largely a result of nature, racism etc is a learned behaviour, it isn’t inherrent.

My son is adopted, but biologically he is my nephew. I have no idea who his biological father is, but I know he will not turn into my sister as I’m here to raise him. You have to remember if he does get contact, weekend visits really won’t undo your hardwork, and he will understand his dads awful views when he is older.

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