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It's not the same , he's not married.

(143 Posts)
smallereveryday Tue 02-Apr-19 08:25:16

Had a bit of a falling out with a close friend as she is having an affair. It's difficult because she is a really close friend a god mother to two of our children. Someone whose morals and judgment I've held in high esteem for 30+ years.
Friend is separated. Very amicable ,Ex- Husband lives in Annex attaches to house and on-Hand for kids should he be required. (Mid/late teens)..

She started this affair 2 yrs ago and was the catalyst to end her long dead marriage.
I have made my feelings very clear in the matter and have told her not to discuss it with me unless she wants a row. We try to spend time together avoiding the subject but inevitably it spills over.

Friend believes she is doing nothing wrong as she is separated (mid divorce Nisi received etc) and Affair partner never married. This, to my friends mind makes all the difference. She maintains that she can only commit adultery with a married man.. and he isn't. ! This has been fuelled by AP now proposing . He maintains he is free to do so despite currently living with his partner because he has 'never loved her enough to marry her' (yet still managed to make two kids with her). Now - loves middle-aged dream has changed all that hmm).

He has just put a hefty deposit down for a new home for both of them , so am pretty sure this is all happening. Obviously I don't know all the gory details as TRY not to get in to it.

AIBU to say that it makes no bloody difference if he's married or not. This does not excuse this behaviour. He is in a relationship with children. Friend maintains that I'm talking nonsense. He has never legally committed to his partner so it's her fault for agreeing to have children without legal safeguards. Unbelievably of the 4 other couples who know about this ALL the husbands and 3 of the Wives agree that as he isn't married , there isn't an issue and he is free to do as he pleases. Am I really that out of step ?

Im so disappointed. This man seems to have changed my normally sensible, kind thoughtful and above all moral friend into someone so willing to compromise her beliefs in such a selfish way.

Cheeserton Tue 02-Apr-19 08:28:38

YANBU. Cheating is always wrong, regardless of which side of the equation you're on. I would be cautious about pinning all the blame on him for corrupting her - she's equally responsible, and apparently knows all about the other person and has made a conscious choice that it's justifiable because they're not married. It's a despicable attitude and a horrible thing to do to someone, whether you know them personally or not.

Awrite Tue 02-Apr-19 08:30:07

I'm not pro cheating but you sound so, so judgemental.

edwinbear Tue 02-Apr-19 08:31:14

This man is about to walk out on his long term partner and his two children and your friend doesn't understand the problem with that? Just wow really. YADNBU. I presume the AP's partner has no idea he has recently proposed to another woman? That's going to be quite some bombshell when he tells her. sad

Raspberrytruffle Tue 02-Apr-19 08:31:39

Yanbu, I would say she isn't married herself or technically doing anything wrong but morraly yes she is, I couldn't be freinds with such a person I admire you op .

RancidOldHag Tue 02-Apr-19 08:32:54

I agree that having an affair is reprehensible.

But it is what she did, and she has had the wit not to keep talking to you about it when you said you did not want to hear. She'll know your disapproval, you really don't need to do any more on that head.

But you have to decide now whether you can still see this person as a friend. This person as she really is, with all her baggage and good choices and bad choices. And a new partner.

You can choose to distance yourself because your disapproval means you can never see her in the same way. Or you can choose to continue to value her and all her facets.

What sort of person are you?

Middlrm Tue 02-Apr-19 08:33:17

I am with op cheating is cheating, and she is right to request that they don’t discuss it I mean 2 years is a long time for an afffair he could have broken up with other partner by now.

WeirdAndPissedOff Tue 02-Apr-19 08:33:27

That's awful - of course YANBU! I cant get my head around that logic at all. Of course marriage confers legal status and protections, but other than that the only difference between a married couple and unmarried really is just a ring and a piece of paper.

And of course, his partner and kids will not be hurt as they're unmarried?

I'm assuming the kids dont know yet? If nothing else, surely your friend can see how deeply cruel it is for them to find out that Dad's moving in with the OW at the same time as trying to process their parents relationship ending? As well as the fallout from their DM's inevitable hurt. (As with the best will in the world, no one is able to keep that level of pain completely hidden for the sake of the kids).

CoraPirbright Tue 02-Apr-19 08:35:00

I’d be looking for some new friends. Yours all have the morals of alley cats.

CustardCreamLover Tue 02-Apr-19 08:39:50

Are you in the UK? I can honestly say I don't know anyone who would possibly think that he can do whatever he wants because he isn't married. It would be interesting to see what her views are on his current partner. Does the same apply?

moosesormeece Tue 02-Apr-19 08:41:28

Well if the magic thing that makes his behaviour ok is lack of an actual marriage, then your friend is the one in the wrong, seeing as she still is technically married!

SandyY2K Tue 02-Apr-19 08:44:01

Technically the man isn't committing adultery because he's not married. He is in a committed relationship though and he is cheating on his DP.

Your friend is free to see who she wants, as she's separated.

I would agree that her behaviour isn't great and they aren't the morals I'd knowingly choose when looking for a Godparent.

It seems like they'll soon be having their happy ever after.hmm

FriarTuck Tue 02-Apr-19 08:44:09

I'm not pro cheating but you sound so, so judgemental.
Good. Maybe more people should be judgemental, then maybe there would be fewer people getting hurt by the thoughtless selfish behaviour of others.

MondeoFan Tue 02-Apr-19 08:45:40

You sound really judgemental, I personally think she'd be better off ditching you as a friend. You aren't no friend to her, you aren't there to talk about her problems or what lies ahead, all you can think about is how it sits with you and how she's crossed the line.
A friend should be there through thick and thin, you are on this morally superior high ground whilst she's scrambling around in the mud. This is how it is for you.

smallereveryday Tue 02-Apr-19 08:48:24

Awrite I don't disagree with you . I am being judgmental. I just never get why that's so wrong !
when people are behaving badly. surely 'judgement' is one of the fundamental checks/balances that stop people within society behaving in appalling and self centred ways ?

If I witnessed someone verbally abuse another person in an unprovoked attack - I would 'judge' the aggressor because S/he would deserve judgement. Not to judge would mean to passively accept.
I am judging . I am not willing to passively accept the 'argument' that this is all OK and not morally reprehensible simply because he is not married.
This is important to my friend. She would not have got with him if married. I've known her a long time and as said in OP - valued her moral stance on things.

It's just that this issue of 'not being married' seems to of allowed her to square this circle to 'allow herself' to compromise her beliefs.
The married/not married argument has lead to our first argument in 30 yrs as she says I'm accusing her of having an affair with a married man . Which she maintains is literally untrue and I should apologise.

Cheeserton Tue 02-Apr-19 08:49:55

What exactly is wrong with being 'judgemental' with appalling behaviour like that? And on a forum that literally invites moral judgements on limited evidence? A truly pointless label here.

Marmalady75 Tue 02-Apr-19 08:56:30

We are all judgemental in here. We read a post, make a judgement and even post our judgement for all to read.

As for your friend, I think I’d distance myself from the whole situation tbh.

cakecakecheese Tue 02-Apr-19 08:57:24

So if it was the other way round and she had a partner who she had children with and then he upped and left her to marry someone else, she'd be fine with it as they're not married? Bizarre.

smallereveryday Tue 02-Apr-19 08:57:37

Not just UK but super-middle class Hime Counties , Tennis Club, WI England !!

I fear that the beliefs held are very much the disdain towards those who aren't married as being in 'second class' or less committed relationships. A belief made from complete ignorance as cohabitation is so incredibly rare in our social group that of maybe 50 + couples I don't know a single one who is unmarried. (I don't know APs partner) .

Jebuschristchocolatebar Tue 02-Apr-19 08:57:51

Your friend sounds like a nasty piece of work. I don’t think you are being judge-mental at all. I couldn’t be friends with someone who’s moral compass was so at odds to my own. I stopped speaking to one of my best friends after she did something very similar.

ScreamingValenta Tue 02-Apr-19 09:00:16

It isn't clear from your OP -

1. Has the affair partner told the mother of his children he is leaving her?
2. How long had the affair been going on before that happened (if it has happened)?

smallereveryday Tue 02-Apr-19 09:01:38

Cakecakecheese I know her well enough to be able to say with absolute certainty that having children before /without marriage would never have been something she would ever have contemplated (and is partly, I believe why she doesn't see her APs relationship as 'proper' - although more horrifying is the fact that her affair partner appears to be the one reinforcing this belief)

newmun Tue 02-Apr-19 09:03:19

They’re both assholes.

CornishMaid1 Tue 02-Apr-19 09:04:49

As a pp has said, he is not committing adultery as he is not married (she was an adulterer whilst married).

However, he is cheating on his long term partner and she is the other woman.

YADNBU as he is a cheat and she is helping to break up a family by knowing cheating with a taken man. If it was so right, he should have left his partner and family two years ago so they could be single together and had a 'clean break' then, not kept the affair going all this time. She is not a victim and judge away.

stofi Tue 02-Apr-19 09:05:47

But she's had a 2 year affair, which started before she was separated.

Pick and mix morals.

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