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to wonder wtf is going on here?

(11 Posts)
kayaholly Mon 01-Apr-19 22:13:07

Ok so 6 weeks on since I booted my ex out, still have days were I'm spinning out at the stupidest things, but generally doing great. I know it's early days, but I think we are in a fairly settled place, obviously still trying to nail a lot of the details out, but we are able to converse in a grown up way most of the time. I am happy that I don't have the stresses I have been dealing with this last year, and frankly happy and relieved that I don't have him in the house.

So I am trying to put myself back together and learn to be myself a bit more. I have been chatting to a nice guy on POF and we met up for the first time last week. Ex was looking after the kids so I could go out, and there has been no secrecy over where I am going, and he doesn't seem to have a problem with it, actually he seems quite happy I am moving on and not falling apart. So he sent me a jokey message which I got on my way down there, and I took it in the way it was meant, as a joke, and a bit of lighthearted support in what I was doing, he knew I was a bit nervous. Then on another night out, which he knew about, (out with friends this time) he sent me another couple of private messages, again, lighthearted and a bit of banter. It completely threw me, because it's not something he woud have done when we were together. Now I know he is not a jealous person, he wasn't the entire time we were married, and he is not holding out for us to get back together, neither of us want that, but anyone I have spoken to seems to think he is trying to play with my head, and I don't know what to think. I know this is not the way he would have behaved before, and I also know that he is not being mean or deliberately malicious. He wanted to leave the marriage, and forced my hand so that I couldn't have him in the house anymore, so I know that this is not him trying to win me back or anything.

AIBU to think that he didn't want to be with me, and this is borderline inappropriate, especially as he has been with someone else for the best part of the last year, and just ask him to stop? Or should I just take it as him trying to help me move on and get over it?

I know some of my friends have said he is trying to f*ck with me, but I honestly don't think he is that kind of person, although I also didn't think he was the type of person to behave in a lot of the shitty ways he has behaved towards me over the last while....it just seems every time I get past something and move on a bit further, something happens, usually because of his behaviour, or directly related to his behaviour and it sends me off spinning again, I just don't know how much of it is me just being a bit f*cked up still and how much of it is him being an arse

KindergartenKop Mon 01-Apr-19 22:32:47

He's being an arse. Don't discuss your private life with him.

mummmy2017 Mon 01-Apr-19 22:37:22

If he has left and has someone new, accept his comments and read nothing into them, if you can be ok with each other life ahead will be so much better .
If he sends anything you think is rude just tell him off for it, but not in a nasty nasty way...

Bobbycat121 Mon 01-Apr-19 22:37:54

Stop telling him what youre doing...

ShawshanksRedemption Mon 01-Apr-19 22:38:04

I'll say something you may not want to hear, but I think as you only split 6 weeks ago and describe yourself as still "spinning out" and "f*cked up", that you should maybe spend some time just being on your own and putting yourself first and getting that stability. I think having someone else, even just a date, is going to just complicate your feelings of what has happened and what is happening now with your ex.

I can't say one way or another if you ex is playing games or not, but I think you would be able to see it for what it is, whatever it is, if you have some time for you to get your strength back.

SrSteveOskowski Mon 01-Apr-19 22:38:06

He's doing the "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you either".
A friend of DH's wife left him a few years ago after deciding that she was 'bored' and wanted to be single again.
He was very upset over it for a long time, but then about 6 months ago he met someone.
The minute his ex heard about this, she turned into the bitch from hell, attempting to drive a wedge between him and their children etc.

So, she doesn't want him back, but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either.

Sleepsleepsleep12 Mon 01-Apr-19 22:41:11

If I makes you feel uncomfortable-don’t go into details about where your going or what your doing.

If you did and he took it the wrong way, your looking at a whole load of consequences (being difficult about having the kids etc)

Maybe it’s a bit of a “I don’t want you, but I don’t want anyone else to have you” situation.

He needs to get over himself!

Stayawayfromitsmouth Mon 01-Apr-19 22:41:55

It seems like you are still overly invested in each others lives. Try to keep communication to a more business like arrangement. Presumably you need to remain in contact for the kids.
However, 6weeks is a bit soon to be dating again, no? Boots call is fine but I would suggest having some time outs a singleton to reset your self esteem.

kayaholly Mon 01-Apr-19 22:58:31

I get the whole waiting for a bit and letting me have my own space, I'm not getting into a relationship again just yet, simply having a bit of fun with a nice guy. I am not doing it because I'm lonely, but because I'm happy and ready to try new things.

As far as my ex goes, I have made it clear from the start (or the end depending on your slant lol) I have no interest in getting back with him, we are not healthy or happy together anymore. He doesn't send me random texts or anything much during the week, and he never would have done it before, so I am just finding it odd that on the 2 occasions where I am out that he just pops up from nowhere. I am finding it difficult to balance the fact that we both want to remain friends, but I think it's reasonable to expect that we both need to have boundaries that shouldn't be crossed now we aren't a couple, also I can't see his new partner would be too happy with him texting me randomly when I was out, I would have thought that he should be thinking of other things than me now, and I just really don't know what to make of it.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 01-Apr-19 23:03:22

I don't understand why you are telling him about your private life. It is absolutely none of his business and nothing good can come of it.

kayaholly Mon 01-Apr-19 23:26:43

I'm not going out of my way to tell him about my private life, but I'm also not doing anything wrong, and not hiding it. He was looking after the kids when I was out, and I have no need to lie about where I am going, but I do think that I need to get my head around the fact that I don't need to tell him as much, I am trying to get my head around my new normal, and I guess I am just struggling a bit with the old normal getting in the way a bit.

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