Mothers Day Sadness(51 Posts)
Probably lots of posts on this topic at the min but here goes another. I have been so upset since yesterday over the lack of appreciation I felt on Mothers Day.........I got zilch from my kids (22, 19 & 12) and I would be lying if I said my heart didnt break more than a little.
I do so much for my grown up kids as they still live at home. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, making lunches. My eldest does shift work and does not drive so I get up at 5.30 to drop/ collect him from work at 6am. I am always on call and always there for them no matter what they need. Likewise for my 19yr old son I do the same droping him to college as he's always running late. I pay for his nights out, festival tickets, clothes etc.
I was a single mum of 2 at 22 when their dad left us high and dry never to be seen again when I was 5 mths pregnant. So it was really
difficult for me to get as far as I did and I still managed to achieve a degree and masters to show them how important education was and to try to create a better life for us.
DP went out and bought me a plant and a card from youngest just to shut me up, he put so little thought into it that he actually bought me a birthday card........I just had my birthday 2 weeks ago so wtf.
We had a family occasion on Saturday and I paid for a 3 course meal at a really nice restaurant for 18 people including my adult children, not a word of thanks or appreciation. I love my family and I wanted to treat them on the occasion.
I cried for most for yesterday evening and today I cant even answer my phone as I am too upset to speak to anyone. Its just totally highlighted how little my kids appreciate me and everything I have done for them. I love my kids and I love helping them out and so I have never complained or nagged them in the past.
I have totally stopped doing anything for them now, no dinner this evening ds has a 4 km walk to work and home and my 19 yr son has left the house and gone to stay with my parents rather than listen to me complain.
I know many here may well think I am being neurotic my on principle I feel that they are definitely in the wrong and have totally disrespected me. I should add that I try to live a pretty minimalist life so would never want huge gestures or expensive gifts, it's all about the thought and acknowledgement.
So to all the mums feeling unloved, neglected and sad today I am sending hugs and this advice/suggestion ........next year I'm booking myself a citybreak and I'm celebrating myself on Mother's Day xxx
p.s . Sorry for the long post!
Good for you. Stop being a door mat. They take you for granted. The oldest are bang out of order and even at 12 they could have made u a card or done something to show they care. I understand why you feel so let down and sad. You are too generous and it is all one way traffic. Sorry this has happened, but your action may be the big wake up call they all need.
Stick to your guns and keep to the resolve not do anything for them, they've been totally taking you for granted.
I don’t blame you for feeling sad. I do think that our kindness and efforts can be taken for granted.
Have your kids always been like this? Did they do anything last year for mother’s day?
What about for your birthday?
Sometimes it’s good that they’re reminded that mother’s are human beings with feelings.
I hope your parents have a frank conversation with your 19 yr old!
OP You sound like a wonderful mother and a really nice person. Your chidren are very lucky to have you. Unfortunately they are completely used to you catering to their every need and probably don't even give all the care and services you provide a second thought. They proved that when they didn't spare a seconds thought to buying you a card and gift yesterday. Sorry but if you want some appreciation from them you need to stop testing them as if they are so special and you are worth nothing. Why are you getting up at 5.30am to taxi your adult son to work? It was his choice to take the job and it's his bloody responsibility to work out how he is going to get there and back from that job. What has it got to do with you? Why isn't he learning to drive? You really need to change your tactics. They are not little god's just because they are your children.
You sound so nice op. I'm sorry you've been treated so badly. It's time to stand up for yourself x
I don't blame you for not helping them out any more, they sound very unappreciative and you sound like a lovely mum. I understand why you are angry. I have 4 teenagers and like you do a lot for them. I did get small gifts and lovely cards off them but only because I badgered my dh to remind them for some days beforehand. I doubt they would have done much otherwise. It was my dh who organised breakfast in bed and I spent the whole of mothers day washing and ironing. Not one of them offered to wash the pots after dh had cooked a roast dinner. My eldest is away at Uni and said he sent a card on Thursday first class but it hasn't arrived, I'm doubting he sent it.
Teens are selfish, I trust that you will put the same level of effort into Father’s Day for your partner? Perhaps a happy Easter card?
Good for you, stick to your guns. They are old enough to put together a card and small gift ffs
You have done the right thing. You just need to make sure you carry on and don’t give in. There is no reason the older two can’t help with cooking etc, do their own W washing and ironing and make their own way to/ from work, pay for themselves going out etc. Dont give in to them
I remember being 22, 19 and 12. I didn’t know yet to appreciate what mum did for us, I didn’t understand it. But I can tell you it was no reflection on how much we loved her or needed her. I’m sorry kids are so selfish. You’re clearly a lovely mum and I know it will come back to you once they are old enough to really get what life is about.
ILiveInSalemsLot They can be a bit intermittent when it comes to gifts and occasions sometimes they get me something other times not. I got cards for my birthday but no gifts from kids.
I try not to involve my parents too much as my mum has Parkinson's and is quite ill so she gets upset easily and I would not want her to see me this upset. I spent most of yesterday with her before returning home to nothing xxx
The trouble is, the more you do, the more they take it for granted. The oldest 2 are adults and the should learn that life is a two way street.. seriously, it really is something they need to learn. Otherwise they'll go through life expecting everyone to run round after them without them having to give anything back. And it doesn't work like that.
It’s bollocks to say that at those ages they don’t realise how much their mum does , and besides which they know it’s Mother’s Day and frankly even if they don’t appreciate what she does they could at least acknowledge the day with a card and a box of chocolates . My dc are 19 &26 , eldest ds lives pt here and pt with my dsis and he not only got me stuff for mother’s day but also bought her flowers and chocolates .
That sounds beyond shit and I feel for you.
But what do you mean when you say that your dp went to the shop to get a card "just to shut you up?" Did you tell him how you felt at that point then?
And sometimes, I think you have to show them you're upset and teach them how to treat you by setting a higher bar for yourself.
Sounds as though you're now doing this.
Good luck with it.
Your words made me feel sad for you but proud of you. Way to go for standing up for yourself.
What's there reaction been so far?
I'm not surprised you are feeling bad about it . After all you have done for them they sound very ungrateful. I would cut right back until you get some appreciation x
Zerrin13 Thank you for your kind comments, you are totally right in saying I do far too much for them. While my parents are wonderful people and exceptional parents there were times in my young adult life where I felt very unsupported by my family and I promised myself that I would never let my kids feel that way, I suppose I over -compensated for my feelings.
I am very close t my eldest as I was 18 (almost 19) when he was born and we have basically grown up together. He actually cried last night he he seen how upset I was I think it was a huge realisation for him xx
I think I would stop paying for 19 year olds entertainment or doing their laundry, cooking, chauffeuring and shopping. The two oldest are definitely old enough to be living independently and they sound ungrateful and thoughtless. The old adage, the more you do the more is expected of you holds true for you I think. I don't think it is necessarily the lack of cards or gifts that is the issue on Mothers Day as such if they are generally appreciative but that does not sound as if that is the case. Stop being so generous and I certainly would not be getting up at 5.30 am to drive your DS anywhere. Tell him to learn to drive and he has to pay for lessons and a car.
Babyroobs It so tough being a mum to older kids right? I'm sorry you didnt have the greatest day either. I too spent my morning clean, unfortunately I didn't get breakfast in bed though.
I really hope your card arrives in the post tomorrow xxxx
He knew that I would probably have something to say I he got absolutely nothing so tried to make a token gesture.......He also told me that I am not his mother so its not really his responsibility!!
His has a winter bday so perhaps a bday card would be perfect for Father's day!!
He does not respect or appreciate me either!!
OP it is natural that as a young single mum you were feircely protective of your children and ensured no matter what, that you will always be there for them.
You have done yourself proud. But as everyone says its time to step back and for them to act like the adults and young people they are.
Unfortunately yesterday has been an epithany for you. But take heart that once you significantly loosen those apron strings and tighten your purse from now onwards, they will begin to appreciate you a lot more.
I don't blame you tbh. Unlike other moaning threads, your DC are old enough to have done something and they should be ashamed of themselves.
You do so much and I would expect them to show appreciation all year round, not just on MD.
I'd be telling them no more waking up at 5.30... they can work out their own transport arrangements.
Notanidiot you are so right and there is no other option at this point x
They sound like ungrateful yokels. Let them get themselves to work/college from now on. Go out and find yourself as a still young woman and have some fun!
You sound like such a lovely person but too apologetic about yourself and too lovely that you've been unappreciated and, well, quite frankly, walked on.
Don't indulge your kids, they need to learn to respect you and to learn how to figure things out for themselves. Helping them too much isn't going to help them long term, creates way too much work for you and has created an attitude of disrespect.
Hugs to you. I hope you have kind friends that don't take advantage of your innate goodness.
@aunaturel78 good on you for standing your ground and shutting up shop, so to speak
It sounds to me that your kids have been very wrapped up in their own needs and totally neglected you
I hope this is a big wake up call for them!
They're old enough to fend for themselves.
So stand your ground, be selfish for once, let them fend for themselves then they will
See how utterly amazing you are
NWQM my eldest is upset that I am so hurt, he has apologised and promised to make it up to me. My 19yr s is a it more selfish and so Im the irrational one.......no apology there.
DP is really grating on my last nerve as he is giving out about them as if he has not let me down in any way whatsoever......agghhhh..........Is it wrong to visualise punching someone in the face??
You can't choose your children but you sure as fuck can choose who you sleep with and it sounds like that needs to be changed as well!
In fairness, you're not your DP's Mum, so he is correct to be angry with them.
Is your 19yo still at your parents? I hope he is not expecting them to look after him?
EKGEMS I have felt unsure about this relationship for a few months so you are right, we have been together for almost 18 yrs and he definitely takes me for granted. Outwardly he acts like the best partner so everyone tells me how lucky I am. As I'm reading this I'm feeling like I need to leave the lot of them xx
ineedaholidaynow he is still there......they adore him so probably will make a fuss while he is there
CosISaid Thanks for referring to me as Young!!!! That made my day
I'm sorry that your kids didn't make an effort. That must have been upsetting. However, I don't really understand why you expected your partner to do anything? Your youngest dc is 12, is that right? If so, surely that's plenty old enough to sort something out by themselves, so your partner's input shouldn't be required? Obviously, it's different when they're toddlers and can't do stuff on their own.
Time for you to rediscover yourself. From my calculations you are approximately my age (41), I go to the gym, I date, I go to bars and I have rediscovered myself really. Parenting can make you feel old.
You've done your duty to the elder two, your 12 year old is possibly like second nature to you now as he's your 3rd to rear.
Maybe shake off the old cobwebs, get your ass in the gym, get swimming, running, whatever your thing might be, and realise that you are in fact still young! Save your petrol money up for a wash, cut and colour, and realise that if they don't appreciate you, you can damn well appreciate yourself!!!
I don't think you're being neurotic at all. This isn't about Mother's Day. You're being taken for granted and treated like a servant and you didn't expect much today. If I was you I would be much more selfish from now on. The older ones need to move out. You don't get to live at mum's and treat her badly as an adult. It's not on and you don't need to put up with that.
You DP isn't really to blame for this because he's right, you aren't his mum, but it sounds like you are disappointed in him because he takes you for granted as well and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
I wouldn't blame you if you took yourself on a little holiday and had a big long think about what you want out of life. Leave everyone else to sort their own shit out for once. Even a servant would be granted a few days leave every now and again.
And yes, you are very definitely young! There are many parents who are only having their first-borns at my age!! Makes me want to curl into a ball and rock personally, but that's the advantage of having kids young!
Sorry but I keep hearing Lana Del Rey's song
"I got that Mother's Day, Mother's Day sadness...ma ma ma Mother's Day Mother's Day sadness...."
And I think you've probably given them the metaphorical boot up the holes that they needed. Little shysters. I know you love them - but, they need a bit of a kick now and then.
Go find YOU again!
Aw OP - I really feel for you and just wanted to say....
I know I don't know you and not who you want to be hearing this from but I'm wishing you a huge belated happy Mother's Day. You sound like a wonderful, caring, kind hearted Mum and your DC are very lucky to have you.
I hope they learn to show you the appreciation and respect you deserve ASAP.
I would usually say something along the lines of "your children are not responsible for your emotional well being" and I honestly think some posters saying "I badger my husband to remind my kids to get me something for mother's day" need to see a therapist. That's not healthy. Mothter's day is a hallmark holiday, and if your self esteem is wrapped up in your children acknowledging that then you need to heal yourself before worrying about anything else.
In saying all of that, you do far too much for your kids and need to make dramatic changes. Frankly, you've coddled them to the point that you might have stunted their development. Your eldest is an embarrassment.
@jameswong - that's a bit harsh isn't it? Mother's Day, or traditionally Mothering Sunday, is a day to show appreciation of our mothers. OP wasn't seeking expensive gifts, just a recognition of how much she does for her family.
What about giving your kids an allowance rather than paying for everything they want to do? That way they have to budget to spend it and if they go over it then that's the end of going out for that month. And make it conditional on them completing certain chores around the house or doing their own laundry.
You sound really kind and giving and they sound like a bunch of ungrateful idiots. What do you do that's just for you? Maybe you need to take the time to pursue a hobby or go to the gym/cinema at a regular time each week?
Parts of my post probably are harsh. Stand by what I said about current Mother's Day being a hallmark holiday (father's day even worse, at least mother's day has a genuine historic/religious tradition spanning centuries, albeit it's now unrecognizable from that). People should (aim to) appreciate the people that love them in life everyday, not on a certain day marked on the calendar.
Also, the social contract between parents and children really only moves in one direction. We should never expect anything back from our kids, it doesn't work that way (as frustrating as that can feel at times). We brought them into the world, we raised them in our image*, we deal with the consequences of that.
*There will be obvious exceptions here - ASD, schizophrenia, an abusive partner etc. that result in kids turning out differently despite the best efforts of any one caregiver.
I don't think I bought my mum a card between the ages of 12 and about 28. Unless I made a card at school as a child my mum didn't get a card or anything, my dad always said it was made up commercialised nonsense (he doesn't do cards generally though).
I don't think it means they don't appreciate you, they are just at that age where you generally don't bother with cards. I think it's only having kids the past 3 years that I've made any effort to buy a card and do something nice for my mum, I always agreed with my dad about it being a made up day to keep clintons in business, it is really!
It does sound like you are doing far too much for your adult children though, I think scaling back your help is a good idea for both you and your children.
I can totally understand you feeling let down by your children but i agree with your husband that you are not his mother he shouldnt need to get you anything.
Well done for backing off OP and asserting your own self-respect from your children and your partner.
Do ensure you maintain your stance though and don't go back to original arrangements where you do everything (Waking at 5.30am to provide lifts?? Really?)
Your eldest two and your partner can do much more than it seems they have been and should be or should learn to be more self sufficient (doing their own laundry, cooking some meals/making their own lunches) cleaning up after themselves and keeping their own rooms clean. Your 19yo can certainly earn some money for his own festival tickets, some of his own clothes etc? Getting into a strop and going elsewhere for an easy life will not help him long term.
Your 12yo can also help out more (again I'm sure you know their capabilities to do or learn to do).
Stand firm and don't be guilted into reverting to the original situation. Talk to your partner about him stepping up more.
Do use some of the time you've regained for yourself. What hobbies are you interested in? What about visiting the gym, swimming, Zumba classes, catching up on reading a novel or just having lunch or drinks with friends?
Good luck! 🍷🌹
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