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Friends not bothered after surgery

(20 Posts)
fairycakesandtea7 Mon 01-Apr-19 18:48:57

I have a few friends who I chat to almost daily. I have recently had major surgery and my friends haven't asked how I am or how I'm feeling at all. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't have to be the topic of conversation every day but just a 'how are you feeling' wouldn't go amiss.
It happened when I had different surgery a few years back. AIBU to feel a little upset about this? One of the friends had some surgery (bunion) last year and everyone asked them how they were (in our group chat) and it was the topic of conversation for a few.weeks and even now it is brought up often.

Tomtontom Mon 01-Apr-19 18:51:17

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

If you need help from your friends, ask them. You're a grown up, you can do that.

Derpess Mon 01-Apr-19 18:53:56

You're not BU. Sorry that they haven't been very thoughtful and hope you are recovering well following your surgery.

Silversky70 Mon 01-Apr-19 18:54:22

She doesn't need help.

It's bollocks, op. You're not on their mind and your welfare doesn't seem to concern them. What's the point of friends, if not this? Hope you're feeling ok.

CallMeCarolDanvers Mon 01-Apr-19 18:55:27

Well I think we can all guess what kind of 'friend' Tomtontom is.

HopefulAgain10 Mon 01-Apr-19 18:56:46

Yanbu that is very hurtful. Well at least you know what type of friends they are.

fairycakesandtea7 Mon 01-Apr-19 18:58:06

(I don't know how to tag people as I'm new to MN) it's not that i need help per say, its more that I think its a bit hurtful they haven't asked how I am when they've asked the other friend how she is following her surgery.

LordNibbler Mon 01-Apr-19 19:19:26

I don't think your friends are friends. And they don't seem very caring or thoughtful.

Springwalk Mon 01-Apr-19 19:27:05

It is really shit when you find out that your friends are anything but.
This is particularly painful when you know they are capable of caring ( Bunion example) but choose not to.

So op. You stop the chats and start spending time with friends that do care and have contacted you. These people are not your friends, unless it comes to light that something very serious has happened.

Springwalk Mon 01-Apr-19 19:27:49

Good that you know now and can stop investing in them.

BoobiesToTheRescue Mon 01-Apr-19 19:30:09

What was the surgery?

If it was to increase your breast size for a second time then you probably are being a bit unreasonable.

Springwalk Mon 01-Apr-19 19:34:40

I agree with pp if it’s cosmetic surgery do not expect a shred of sympathy from anyone.

Motoko Mon 01-Apr-19 19:56:38

It is shit OP. They don't care about you, and it's times like these that you find this out. It's happened to me too.

Time to pull back from them. Do you have any other friends who do ask you? If not, try to find new friendships to build on.

Oh, and to tag someone, either put the @ directly in front of their name, @fairycakesandtea7 and they will get an email, telling them they've been mentioned in a post, or put an asterisk * * immediately before and after the name (don't leave any spaces). This bolds the name (people also use it to quote) but won't send an email.

Don't feel you have to reply to everyone individually though, or it could get tedious, especially if several people are asking the same thing! smile

Be aware, AIBU can be very robust, and there is often at least one poster, who will decide you're BU, and no explaining your view will change their mind, even if every other person in the thread says you're not. They just like being obtuse and antagonistic. Don't take it personally, it's best to ignore them.

Welcome to Mumsnet! I hope you're recovering well. flowers

fairycakesandtea7 Mon 01-Apr-19 20:21:47

It was ankle surgery, I have arthritis, impignment and a torn ligament so it was to get rid of some of the damage and do some repair work. On crutches for a while. The surgery before that was double jaw surgery where I was on a liquid diet for a few weeks and I'm still recovering from

fairycakesandtea7 Mon 01-Apr-19 20:24:09

@motoko Thank you 😊 Yes, I do have other friends who are very supportive, I don't see them as often as they live further away but we talk regularly. DP has also been very supportive too

Lougle Mon 01-Apr-19 20:24:34

Could it be that your surgery was quite major, so they don't feel able to just 'chat' about it? Sometimes people feel awkward with big health issues. A bunion is something you can casually chat about.

Motoko Mon 01-Apr-19 20:35:09

I'm glad to hear you have a supportive partner and friends. Sounds like you've had a lot to deal with recently.

With the friends you've posted about, carry on chatting with them if you like, but now you know where you stand with them, so just keep it light. Don't expect anything from them, and don't offer anything in return.

All the best.

FlutterShite Mon 01-Apr-19 20:47:54

OP, how ARE you feeling? Are you recovering ok?

Sorry your friends are ignoring your troubles. I agree with previous posters who say these are probably not friendships worth investing a lot of time and emotion in. Most people I know have a fuss made of them by friends and colleagues when they've had surgery or an illness, especially when it's so visible that they're using crutches.

I hope everything is healing well.

nutsfornutella Mon 01-Apr-19 20:55:06

I think it's awkward to discuss because how are you seems like a stupid question as you're obviously going to be feeling shit - tired, pain, loss of hunger, immobile etc Saying that, I think that they are being shit as they could easily rephrase it as "Can I bring you anything?" "Can I offer practical help?" Etc Sounds like a classic fair weather friend to me.

It's good to hear that you have support elsewhere. Wishing you a speedy recovery thanks

Springwalk Thu 04-Apr-19 07:50:32

I am in recovery from major surgery op, and I can definitely relate to you what you are saying.

Some friends have been amazing, some haven't even bothered to text me. It is hurtful. I appreciate that some people have problems of their own, but to be honest the crap friends tend to be crap single time.

You know now who is worth your time and effort going forward and that is valuable. I made a list actually. I have had more than one operation and low and behold the same people cropped up that cared, and the same that did not. I am really not going to waste any more time on the fair weather friends, that are there in a shot when invited to something fun and go completely awol when things are not so rosy.

They are not real friends op. Real friends genuinely care, they text, some will send cards and gifts or offer practical help. If they can't even manage to even message you that speaks volumes.

Focus on getting better, and when you are fully recovered be sure to celebrate with those that were there with you, and let the other friendships die off slowly. Some people are just takers Op. Simple as that really. I would hide/block their inane chatter on SM and get on with enjoying the rest of your life.

Get well soon flowers

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