Feuding grown up children(10 Posts)
My children who are 25, 24 and 22 and can not be in each other’s company for more than 20 minutes without WW3 breaking out. I could handle it when they were teenagers it seemed “normal” but now I am at my wits end. They had loving childhoods and all got on so well until 11 years ago when our lives were turned upside down. Their dad had an accident at work and was paralysed. We had an awful 7 years while he waisted away, was angry and abusive to all of us. He would cry and beg for forgiveness and go to sleep parting not to wake up every night. He lost all sense of what being a “dad” was and would even ask his young teenage children to help him end his life. Our lives were horrendous, The guess were daily. My sons grew aggressive and violent. My husband died 4 years ago and I thought things might get better and two of them have. But my middle one is still so aggressive towards the other two. He ruined Christmas, he ruined mother’s day, he verbally abuses me, and is then very apologetic. I have paid for counselling for him several times but he just stops going and says he doesn’t need it. I think he blames me for the awful situation we found ourselves in for so many years. I really don’t know what to do.
Your whole family sounds completely traumatised, to be honest. Have any of you had counselling, apart from your middle DS?
Why would he blame you for the situation? Do you think he’s angry at your DH’s abusive behaviour and couldn’t tell him? Does he feel that you somehow allowed the abuse?
Maybe, my husband put a lot on him. That I and my husband used to argue over daily! He was verbally abusive not physically as he was bed bound and angry at the world. Apart from the odd cup being thrown at me he was incapable of being physically abusive. He was a changed man and his whole personality was changed after the accident. Before that we were a normal happy family! My middle son had to leave the family home while my husband was still alive as I could no longer cope with his violent behaviour and my daughter had a baby in the house that I could not have that around either. He has a lot of built up emotion which turns to aggression anytime he is in any of our company?
That sounds awful for all of you! When you say your middle son had to leave the family home what were the circumstances of that? How old was he and where did he stay? I'm wondering if he felt he had been cast aside and holds resentment towards the rest of you for it?
It sounds as though he needs to leave again. He's making life a misery for the rest of you. You can't allow violent and aggressive behaviour in your house. You could all be at risk.
He has rented rooms since he was 19, I had to say he wasn’t allowed to live with us anymore. I let him come home many times, and every time he would “kick off” over something, fighting with my youngest son, being aggressive towards me and his sister smashing and punching holes in doors etc. It was his dad in the end that he can’t come back - he said “you have no idea what it’s like for me to lay here and listen to that go in and not be able to do anything about it” since his dads death I have moved and he has not lived with us since but he does this everytime he visits! Each time It’s getting harder and takes longer for me to forgive. I can’t keep making excuses for him. I am at my wits end!
I'm wondering if he felt he had been cast aside and holds resentment towards the rest of you for it?
I was thinking that. It sounds awful for all of you but I must admit I do feel sorry for your ds too. If you suggested family counselling, would he go?
I'm wondering if he felt he had been cast aside and holds resentment towards the rest of you for it?. Also this, is there the possibility that he feels that you have supported others through difficult times, which of course is marvellous, DH with accident and the suicidal ideation and requests to end his life, his dsis -moving in with baby, who if older than him pg at 19/20 given he was told to leave at 19, if younger 17/18- but he was made to leave? Particularly if it was framed as because of the baby? I second counseling again.
Of course there is no excuse for violence so he has to accept this behaviour could not continue.
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