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Is this reasonable or cheeky?

(81 Posts)
Ivy44 Mon 01-Apr-19 17:48:35

I’ve had an odd message from DSDs mother and I’m wondering if she’s being reasonable or a bit cheeky...

My partner and I have one child together and he also has a child from a previous relationship who stays with us a couple of nights a week. DSDs mother also has a 12 year old son who’s father lives abroad. My partner pays child maintenance and he also buys school shoes, uniform, sports equipment, pays for school trips.

DSDbis a lovely little girl who enjoys going shopping. At Christmas I took her shopping to choose an outfit as a gift - she chose a hoodie and jeans from Gap. For her birthday she chose some pink Adidas trainers. The only other thing I’ve bought her is some hair clips, as a thank you for helping me choose a birthday gift for my niece who is about the same age.

I received a message from her mother last night saying could I stop buying DSD expensive gifts and send the money to her instead. That way she can decide what the money is spent on and she can ensure that the older son also gets something as he feels left out. Is this reasonable or a bit cheeky? I don’t think she gets any maintenance for the older son as his Dad lives abroad.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Tue 02-Apr-19 19:19:11

Its not your fault that he has a different Father.

Very true and it’s not DSD’s fault either.

Disfordarkchocolate Tue 02-Apr-19 19:32:32

@Ivy44 I imagine tutoring won't go down well, it could well make her feel like you are solidifying for life the advantages her daughter already has over her son. That doesn't mean I don't think you should do it though, just be prepared for some upset.

Ivy44 Tue 02-Apr-19 19:38:46

DSD’s older brother is at a high school that is in special measures and DP is concerned that DSD will end up there too. We live in an area that still has grammar schools and DP would like DSD to have a decent chance of passing the 11 plus. I agree with him but he’s going to have to put his foot down with his ex on this one.

LL83 Tue 02-Apr-19 19:51:04

When I mentioned keeping dsd and your own child fair I meant it to show how it is impossible to keep everyone fair unless you keep your own DC to dsd's brothers budget which is not reasonable at all. Like any decent person you sympathise with dsd's brother but your priority is your own children DC and dsd. So I would get a tutor for dsd.

Think about when she is 25 and hasn't had same opportunities as DC, we wanted to keep you in line with your brother isn't going to sound reasonable at all. When it comes to education help her where you can and dont feel guilty about it.

Disfordarkchocolate Tue 02-Apr-19 19:53:56

If I thought my child needed and could pass the 11+ when the other option was a school I would be making sure a tutor was provided. Extra job, sell my clothes anything.

Ivy44 Tue 02-Apr-19 19:59:12

Yes, I agree. There is a big difference between not buying branded trainers because it’s causing upset and not doing something that could have a big impact on DSDs chances in life.

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