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AIBU for wishing death upon my baby daddy ?

(11 Posts)
Sandrayeo Mon 01-Apr-19 12:08:13

Hi all,

I’m a single mother to a 3 year old boy.
His father and I dated for years before we decided to stop birth control. After a year I got pregnant. He bailed on me the minute I told him. For months I thought he would come around. He never did.

Needless to say, these were the darkest moments of my life. It took me months to put myself together, find a new job (lost the previous one because of my depression) and a new place to settle in with my baby.

When my son was about 2 yo, I took him to court. That’s when he decided to sign his son’s birth certificate, pay child support and start visiting him.

From the minute he came back into our lives, he kept telling me how sorry he was, asking me if we still had a chance to make things work and so on… For a year I said no way but he got into my head. He started talking about having another child, making things right this time, marriage etc.

I was such I idiot, I wanted to believe him.

I’m 38, single, all my attempts at dating turned out to be a disaster so I was really craving that happy ending. We had hours long discussions about what went wrong the first time, I told him how hurt I was and how I never wanted to be hurt like that any more. He swore that he could/would never hurt me again.

2 months ago I started sleeping with him again. Yesterday his sister called me and told he’s getting married. She said he has a fiancé back home and they have a daughter that’s only 6 months or so younger than my son.

Apparently she was his college girlfriend back in his country. When he came here for school, they tried the long distance thing but eventually broke up. I’m not sure if it was before or sometime after we started dating since I had no idea whatsoever there was someone else in the picture. He reconnected with her sometime around the time we were trying for a baby. He left me for her and got her pregnant right away.
Now I’m in so much pain, its excruciating. It’s worse than the first time and the first time was hell.

First and foremost, there’s my son. He really got attached to his father and asks me where he is all the time. I now fear his father doesn’t give a f* about him and only pretended to get back in my pants. My poor baby will be left with no father around and I will never forgive myself.

Then, I now hate him. I really do and I hope he dies in misery. The first time I really tried to understand and reflect on what I did wrong that may have triggered his decision. Since I didn’t know he left me to get back with his ex, I was blaming myself for not being good enough in bed, not being more affectionate, all kind of stuff.

Now tho, I just can’t understand how someone could be so mean, so selfish. He almost killed me the first time. I bounced back and he comes back, knowing damn well that he’s going to crush me all over again.

Now I want revenge, I want karma; I want something awful to happen to him. Seeing him living a lifetime of happiness will be hell for me.

AIBU ?

3timeslucky Mon 01-Apr-19 12:20:34

You're hurting and you're hurt and you have very good reason. He is a serious piece of shit. But you've also had a lucky escape. His wife to be is in a much worse place looking at a life with a piece of shit like that.
You've moved on once and you can do it again. There are better people out there and you know now not to ever trust this man again.

Wish him all the bad things you like if that makes you feel better. Imagine all manner of horrors for him if you think it helps you. And then stop giving him headspace. He doesn't deserve it. Move on. You're young and have a child. Neither of you benefits from being eaten up by this. Do not keep track of his life. Live in a way that he is dead to you.

friendlyfish Mon 01-Apr-19 12:26:06

YANBU and I’m so sorry you and DS have been through the ringer at the hands of this ‘man’. It really is NOT you. You’ve done nothing other than believed he had changed. It’s not a crime to hope/believe that.

My ex put me and DD through hell. I’ve had so many people say I should put it behind me and forgive and forget and be glad he is out of our lives. They may be right but I defy anybody whose life has been utterly wrecked by someone who not only didn’t have their family’s best interests at heart but simply didn’t give a fuck at the mess they’d left them in, not to be livid and want the bastard to suffer . Eleven years on I know I will hate the very thought of him forever more. And why should I not, he was evil. It’s ok to feel angry and wish someone would suffer like they’ve made you suffer. Anger is a valid and understandable response to a truly horrible situation. I don’t know what to advise you other than as long as it doesn’t make you a bitter, nasty person in general then it’s ok to feel how you feel. I really hope you can find a way to get through this without doing yourself down and feeling you aren’t good enough. Be kind to yourself and like all hurts and losses accept it will take time to get your head round this and to start to recover 💐

TomorrowsDiet Mon 01-Apr-19 12:39:51

That’s such a shit thing for him to do!! He’s a reprehensible arsehole and I think it’s perfectly normal to feel the pain and anger you’re going through.

His fiancé should be told what he’s been up to, too. He’s 100% in the wrong and I’m not sure you want him in your son’s life, given he’s a cheating shitbag.

Be angry for a time and then let it go for the sake of your wellbeing and your little one. Karma will bite him at some point

Sandrayeo Mon 01-Apr-19 14:12:10

@friendlyfish are you still in touch with your ex ? How did life turned out for you both ? How is your daughter doing now ?

Armadillostoes Mon 01-Apr-19 14:43:05

YANBU to be so hurt. Your DS has a brave and lovely mother and will be fine if his loser dad walks away again. Someone should tell his fiancee what he has done and is doing. She and her child are also victim's of this creep and his lies.

Sandrayeo Mon 01-Apr-19 15:08:43

@Armadillostoes I thought about reaching out to her but part of me doesn't want to because I know I would not be doing that for the good reasons. I mean not because I genuinely care about her but to hurt him and she didn't do anything to me. I can't cause her pain just to get back at him. I feel that would be wrong sad sad

MotherOfDragons90 Mon 01-Apr-19 16:43:51

What a dickhead. You sound like a lovely mum and you deserve so much better flowers

I was in slightly different but similar situation a few years ago. The man I was seeing, who told me he loved me, wanted to spend his life with me etc, had been seeing another woman at the same time and had gotten her pregnant. She was under the same impression as me that he loved her and all that jazz. It was a HUGE life lesson for me that some people are just dishonest shits. Like you, I couldn’t believe someone could treat someone else that way, all the lies and selfishness.

I was devastated at the time, wished all manner of ill on both of them but ultimately the only person it hurt was myself. They didn’t care that I had all this anger, it only stopped me from living my life. Once I realised that I was able to let go and I hardly think about him anymore.

Don’t waste your time hating him. Focus your energy on things you love, spend time with your lovely son and do lots of things for you. It’ll be hard at first but you’ll thank yourself for it flowers

flumpybear Mon 01-Apr-19 16:47:16

Sounds like you're all better off without this troll of a 'man'

Is he much younger than younas you mention school / college? If so I suspect he's just immature and an arse - doubtful he'll get better!

What's his friends and family like? Do they do this shit to their 'loved ones' too?

goodfornothinggnome Mon 01-Apr-19 16:54:57

This is really sad to read. I'm so sorry for you and your son going through this.

He is an absolute fucking waste of space

Sandrayeo Mon 01-Apr-19 17:00:59

@flumpybear, no he's about to turn 40 !! By College I mean university sorry.
As for his friends, the ones that I know are very decent guys. They actually intervened on my behalf when he was refusing to acknowledge my son.
I can’t say the same thing about his family. He lost both his parents’ years ago and he’s not close to his siblings. The few interactions I had with his sisters left me really confused. They badmouthed him every chance they got and tried to get money and presents from me confused

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