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Would you say MIL is toxic?

(8 Posts)
Maggiejane12 Mon 01-Apr-19 10:40:44

I used to use this site years ago so apologies if this is the wrong topic or I post it wrong 😂 This could be long too.

For background me and DP have been together 4 years, I have a DS5 from a previous relationship (DP is dad to him, his biological father was absent and passed away when he was young). We have a 18 month old DD. MIL has 5 younger children, the youngest being 7 and she works Mon-Fri 8-6 (this is relevant). DP works long hours, often weekends but he tries his hardest to make time for me and the kids. He has a different father to his siblings and therefore a different last name.

When we first met DP was amazing with my son, we quickly became a family. The first time I met MIL me, DP and DS bumped into her at a coffee shop. She didn't acknowledge me and DS and I thought it was a bit odd. She lives a 5 minute walk away from me and in the beginning of our relationship I saw her a handful of times. Sometimes shed be really nice, welcoming but most of the time I didn't even get a hello. DP had told me that he had always had a strained relationship with MIL, he was like the outcast of her children as she had settled with another man and gone on to have other children and they all shared the same name. He said they would joke about his last name, she would make food he hated and say it was "fucking tough", she kicked him out at 16 and only in the past few years have they (or should I say he) have attempted to repair their relationship.

Just before I got pregnant with DD I actually became close with MIL, my son would play with her kids, we'd go shopping together, I'd go round without DP to see her etc. When we announced I was pregnant, she was completely overbearing - call her this, get this pram, bottle feed don't breastfeed - you get the idea. I think this made DP really happy as he was getting so much attention from his mother. I found her too overbearing though especially when DD arrived and I've slowly cut contact down.

Shes always mainly spoke to DP if she needs something, babysitter or money normally. Shes ignorant/rude to him when he cant help her. Over the past few months, DP has been really busy with work and he hasnt been able to help her as much. I feel like shes taking this out on all of us, she hasn't seen DD in over a month now and barely asks about her yet she lives so close and is free at the weekends. And I found out shes told a mutual friend that me and DP just have our own little family and dont really bother with her. Shes making us sound awful to people.

I know I shouldn't have done it but I borrowed DPs phone yesterday and I looked through their texts to see if theyd fallen out and DP didnt want to tell me or to try find a reason as to why she hasn't bothered with DD. All the texts from her are basically "hiya can you help me with x y z" sometimes followed by a "you ok" and when Dp says sorry he cant he doesn't get a reply and he text her asking if hes not speaking to us because he couldn't lend her money and she ignored it (but read the message).

We are thinking of moving town but DP is hesitant because his mother is so close and he's lived round here his whole life. I just want to cut contact with her, everytime she does come round she brags about herself and slags everyone off. Her family, our mutual friends, DP when he isn't there. A few weeks ago she asked if DD could go to the park with her and her kids and didnt invite DS so I said no as she knew he was at home and its not fair on him. I just can't be bothered with her toxicity anymore and I selfishly wish DP would cut contact but as shes been so on/off with him since he was young I can see why he wants to please her so much.

One of my friends said she sounds like a typical MIL but surely not everyones is like this!

GreatDuckCookery Mon 01-Apr-19 10:48:27

I’m not sure about toxic but she doesn’t sound very pleasant and seems very hot and miss.

Why does she rely on her son so much? Personally if you want to move then I would do so.

As for being a typical MIL I hope not! I’m a MIL and wouldn’t behave like that grin

GreatDuckCookery Mon 01-Apr-19 10:48:46

Hit and miss not hot!

Maggiejane12 Mon 01-Apr-19 10:51:54

I dont know why she relies on him so much. I forgot to mention shes no longer with the other children's father though he is supportive and does give her money for them. She likes a lavish lifestyle and seems to spend so much money on her home/self that shes left with nothing before payday so asks DP for help.

I think she likes the idea of being the "matriarch" too, once she asked if I could lend her my car whilst hers was in the garage and I said no so she slagged me off to DP saying shed help me if I was in her position, I'm her MIL why can't I help her, were family now etc confused she made such a huge fuss about letting her down

GreatDuckCookery Mon 01-Apr-19 10:54:48

She sounds a pest and thoroughly selfish. DH needs to stop giving in to her demands and requests. She’s acting like a spoilt younger sibling not his mother.

Hollowvictory Mon 01-Apr-19 10:55:26

Is she actually your mil, are you married?
Could that be a factor?
She doesn't sound very nice, your partner is still seeki g her approval because he was rejected by her age 16 that's why he doesn't want to move away from Her. He needs her validation. Poor thing she does sound dreadful.

Maggiejane12 Mon 01-Apr-19 11:10:25

We're engaged but I dont think that's her issue as if it was shed push to bring the wedding forward. For example we didn't want to get DD christened yet she does so she pestered and pestered and was forever sending me messages about it.

You've worded it better than me hollowvictory thats exactly it. It makes me so angry/sad because his whole life hes been treated differently, he told me for his birthday he would get a card and £10 (which he was grateful for) but his siblings at the age he was then get stacks of presents, parties and a big fuss made out of them. He said when he was 15 he got a lynx gift set for Xmas while his siblings got lots of presents.

Now he tries to please her by inviting her to most things we do. Like for DS birthday we agreed to do something just us 4. He invited MIL and her kids, she spent the whole day sponging off him (asking him to buy kids food and she would give it him back etc) then slagging him off to me, like she does everytime saying he's stingy with money always has been etc. It infuriates me.

Yesterday as it was mothers day we went for a walk and he wanted to invite her as in his words she would be offended if not. I said no as I cant be bothered with her constant bitching and poor me attitude.

Hollowvictory Mon 01-Apr-19 11:13:38

Really difficult situation 💐💐💐 she won't change but he's so rejected by her that he craves her attention. He's lucky to have you for a balanced viewpoint

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