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To be annoyed that he doesn't care about our family holiday

(126 Posts)
ExtraPineappleExtraHam Mon 01-Apr-19 09:00:04

The kids and I are off to Devon today for five nights. It's a Groupon deal which I bought last year. I invited dp but he didn't want to go so I invited my parents instead as I can't control my 3 and 2 year old on my own for five nights.
Finances have been really tight this month, car died, nursery is 99% of my wage packet (yes really) and our tax credits have been stopped till May. I can't borrow anymore so I budgeted really hard and managed to save £100 for our holiday. Then I had to spend £50 of it to rent a cement mixer for an extra day which wasn't something anyone could have predicted.
I mentioned this to dp a week ago before he got paid. He didn't say anything. I said again on Saturday that I really didn't think £50 was enough for 5 nights even being as frugal as I can possibly be. Yesterday he gave me £20 to go to the shop and buy him a multipack of beer and a bottle of wine for me for Mother's Day (yes I had to walk to the shop with my daughter on her balance bike to buy my own Mothers Day present.) I asked if I could get some cash out for the holiday. He said he couldn't afford it as he had the mortgage and council tax to pay. A little background, he pays about a third of what other people pay for the mortgage as my grandparents gave me a lump sum of £200,000 for my house deposit.
I'm so sick of having to be so frugal all the time and getting nothing back. He knows nothing of all the sacrifices I make. The kids have shoes until their well into primary school as I buy job lots at car boots and sell their old ones online. I eat porridge for breakfast and lunch sometimes as it's cheap and filling. My card gets declined so much I don't even flinch anymore. But I don't mind as I'm an adult and in someways it's my fault that I'm broke due to making some bad career decisions.
This holiday is for the kids though. It's a horrid holiday park with entertainment and splash pools and a soft play. I'd be off to Krakow if I had my choice of mini break. It breaks my heart that I'm going to spend the whole holiday saying no to them. £50 is only really going to cover our food for five days and I really don't want to ask my parents (again!)

KateGrey Mon 01-Apr-19 09:03:18

He sounds like a grade A sponging arsehole! Does this man have any plus points? Because he sounds like an utter self absorbed loser. If you’re not married I would seek advice (I only know a little how it works if you’re married) and ask him to leave. He doesn’t sound like he values you or his children.

Chocolateisfab Mon 01-Apr-19 09:04:08

Imo you do not need permission to withdraw cash from the joint account...

ExtraPineappleExtraHam Mon 01-Apr-19 09:07:34

It's not a joint account. I've been asking him to open a joint account for ages so we don't have these issues.
On the plus, he is a great dad and to some degree he is good with money in that he doesn't make impulsive decisions like I do.

TirisfalPumpkin Mon 01-Apr-19 09:09:27

What kind of man lets his wife/partner eat porridge for lunch while buying himself beer? This sounds financially abusive.

4strings Mon 01-Apr-19 09:10:21

Is he the father of your dc? If so, he needs to be paying part of your childcare costs.

WeeDangerousSpike Mon 01-Apr-19 09:10:54

Fuck it. Don't come back from Devon.

Wanker.

melissasummerfield Mon 01-Apr-19 09:11:46

Hes not a great dad though is he? Why is he not going on holiday with his family and if he has money for beer then he should be using that to give his children a nicer holiday experience.

You should never feel like you are begging for money of your oh/dh - its should be both of yours money, not yours and his!

Vulpine Mon 01-Apr-19 09:12:00

Why are these Muppets always described as 'great dads'?

ChoccieEClaire Mon 01-Apr-19 09:12:20

Are they his children?
Do you have a joint account or separate ones?
Could you parents lend you some spending money and you pay them back?

Vulpine Mon 01-Apr-19 09:12:40

Why did you agree to buy him beer on mothers day?

Blondebakingmumma Mon 01-Apr-19 09:17:50

He is not a great father or partner. He will buy himself beer and yet you are getting by eating porridge for meals and the kids are getting second hand shoes. I think a serious conversation needs to happen. Starting with him paying for half of the childcare and you having access to the bank account. If not redraw on the house as it was your 200k!! Not his in the house.

HattieRabbit Mon 01-Apr-19 09:18:24

Is he their father? I think that changes a lot.

If so then absoloutley he should be contributing. If not then I suggest you start charging him a small amount of rent per month against the £200k of the house that you own. £150-£250 ish

ExtraPineappleExtraHam Mon 01-Apr-19 09:18:32

@Vulpine because I'm a fucking people pleaser and I thought maybe he'd be more likely to lend me money.
Yes they are his children.
The thing with the tax credits is that they gave me a lump sum. I used it to pay off my credit card and cancel it so I wouldn't use it anymore. Then they said that was supposed to last till May. Told dp and he didn't care. I didn't rack up that cc debt on my own. We bought a shed, Christmas presents for his family, a family holiday for his family! It's not 'my debt' even though the card is in my name, it's our debt.

WonderWorm Mon 01-Apr-19 09:18:40

Are they his children? 200k lump sum into a house and he won't help with a holiday. £50 for the cement mixer, was that a joint project that benefits you all?

WonderWorm Mon 01-Apr-19 09:20:31

Well boot him out.
They're his kids. He's a joke.

mando12345 Mon 01-Apr-19 09:21:29

He sounds horrible, but that aside I do hope your deposit money is protected.
That 200,000 could buy you a nice house outright in many areas, even allowing for expenses. Id set up on my own he doesn't sound a nice supportive partner.

HavelockVetinari Mon 01-Apr-19 09:23:13

He's financially abusing you. What a selfish prick.

mando12345 Mon 01-Apr-19 09:23:33

I'm sorry but you shouldn't be buying his family a holiday and your children secondhand shoes, that's not right.

Hadalifeonce Mon 01-Apr-19 09:23:44

You really do need to sit down and have a proper grown up discussion about family finances, you shouldn't have to ask to 'borrow' money from him. If you don't have enough money for something for the family, and he does, he should just pay for it.

mummmy2017 Mon 01-Apr-19 09:23:55

Our you married?

KnickerBockerGlooooory Mon 01-Apr-19 09:24:22

You're both working, you both created a family, you both live in a house that needs some upkeep... why is this all falling on you? I would seriously sit down and write out your contributions (including the £200k) and his and decide if it looks fair and reasonable, because it doesn't sound like they are!

Happynow001 Mon 01-Apr-19 09:27:26

hi @ExtraPineappleExtraHam

Is the house in your name only or is he also named on the deeds/mortgage?

he pays about a third of what other people pay for the mortgage as my grandparents gave me a lump sum of £200,000 for my house deposit.
Was your £200K legally ring-fenced/protected when you moved in together?

I do hope you are not planning on marrying him...

On the plus, he is a great dad and to some degree he is good with money in that he doesn't make impulsive decisions like I do.
He's really not a great dad though, is he? If he was he would not treat his children this way (£50 that you saved, not him. And why were you, not him, the one to pay for the cement mixer?

Why are you, and not both of you, paying for childcare? I'm assuming these are your children together?

He doesn't sound as though he cares for any of you.

You sound really passive and apologetic for your existence in this relationship.

He knows nothing of all the sacrifices I make. The kids have shoes until their well into primary school as I buy job lots at car boots and sell their old ones online. I eat porridge for breakfast and lunch sometimes as it's cheap and filling. My card gets declined so much I don't even flinch anymore.

Time to get some legal advice perhaps OP. If you don't want to speak to a solicitor yet (and you should) consider speaking to Citizens Advice regarding the position you - and your children- are in.

BarrenFieldofFucks Mon 01-Apr-19 09:28:45

Please God don't tell me the house is in his name

lozster Mon 01-Apr-19 09:32:19

I think the issue here is that you need a joint account for household and child expenses. They are shared expenses so ‘99% childcare costs’ should not be from your income.

I will preface this comment with the information that I am not married and have a house/kid and no plan to get married BUT is this a DP not a DH? In my case it makes little difference but in your circumstances it sounds like you are left vulnerable. How was the house bought? Both names? Tenants in common? How well are your finances protected if you want to leave?

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