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Seeing my ex from very long time ago

(42 Posts)
brickingmyselfaboutthis Sun 31-Mar-19 23:45:35

Name changed for this as it’s a bit outing.
My eldest son’s father was my childhood sweetheart and he left me when I was 12 weeks pregnant and married someone else. That was 28 years ago.
He played no part in sons life (his choice) but last year my son tracked him down. They met up once but I wasn’t involved.
Long story short-he will be in the country in 2 weeks time and now son has a 3 month old daughter he wants us all to meet up at his house.
I’ve never bore any animosity to ex and if truth be told was in love with him for a very long time.
I’m absolute dreading it but I have to do it for my son.
Ex will also have wife and grown up children in tow too.
Help wise mumsnetters!!

SusanneLinder Thu 02-May-19 21:10:09

Good for you OP xx

brickingmyselfaboutthis Thu 02-May-19 20:54:15

Just to update that I survived with my dignity intact. Son is just bursting with joy at having (as he put it)-the final piece of the jigsaw. It was very very emotional on all sides and I'm glad I was there to support him x

Snog Tue 02-Apr-19 08:40:44

No you don't have to do this for your son.

RChick Tue 02-Apr-19 06:27:57

Is your son planning to get married and wants to test the water with getting everyone in the same room perhaps?

I would request a short meeting in a neutral space if you feel you have to do it for your son.

Crabbyandproudofit Tue 02-Apr-19 01:12:32

Sounds as though your son wants to give you the opportunity to meet his half-siblings? Perhaps also to show "that bloody woman" what a fabulous person you are! If there is such a crowd at your son's house you can hopefully talk only to those you are comfortable with and avoid the others. You can always offer to help out with the baby if you need a break. Take your DD for moral support if you think it will help (and if your son agrees). The suggestion to have somewhere else to be, an hour later, is a good one. Keep your head high and stay calm.

PregnantSea Tue 02-Apr-19 00:26:26

I was in a similar situation a few years ago (to your son) and I didn't even think to try and involve my mum. That seems odd to me.

Still, if he's asked and you've said yes then I suppose it's happening now. I would just focus totally on your son and the baby. You can be polite to his dad without making a big song and dance about catching up with him.

And you say there's no animosity? Are you sure that will still be the case when he turns up with his new family? I was heartbroken when I met my dad's other children and partner. It really hurt. And to top it all off they weren't even pleasant to me, as I had imagined they would be in my head. It was a horrible experience that I wouldn't recommend to anyone.

brickingmyselfaboutthis Mon 01-Apr-19 22:18:49

@OohYeBelter47 love the name-a fellow countryman I think? 😂😂
@user1498572889 thank you. I'm still undecided about my partner coming (stepdad for 16 years) but eldest dd(18) wants to come to support me.
I'm very very proud of the man he has become. He made me laugh yesterday when he gave me a hug and apologised for being an annoying child-his dsd's we're driving him mad at the time 😂😂 x

OohYeBelter47 Mon 01-Apr-19 22:05:07

No way would I go.

user1498572889 Mon 01-Apr-19 22:01:14

Agree absolutely nothing personal. Ex does not have the right to know anything about you. Just praise your son don’t ask ex anything about his life. Smile a lot and definitely don’t have a drink. Get out of there ASAP and give yourself a big pat on the back for raising a son who because of you is happy to try and have a relationship with his absent father.

brickingmyselfaboutthis Mon 01-Apr-19 21:53:57

Thanks @DanglyBangly. I'll also resist the urge to have an alcoholic beverage as I fear one may not be enough 😂

DanglyBangly Mon 01-Apr-19 17:51:11

OK, how to deal with it. Polite, smiles, small talk, nothing personal or emotional, then get the hell out of there. The first time will be the worst but it might get easier seeing him after that.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis Mon 01-Apr-19 15:50:58

You shouldn’t feel you have to do whatever people ask of you.shock. Your ex’s wife is his step grandmother. Their relationship is not yours to police.

brickingmyselfaboutthis Mon 01-Apr-19 15:05:55

Besides I'm not having that bloody woman trying to play the doting "grandmother" 😂

brickingmyselfaboutthis Mon 01-Apr-19 14:59:28

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis because my son has asked me!
Yes it sounds easy to say no to him but it's important to him and when he and his partner marry in a couple of years I'll have to see his dad anyway.
My original post was asking for advice on how to deal with situation not how to avoid it!!

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis Mon 01-Apr-19 13:39:24

Why do you feel you have to be there?

outpinked Mon 01-Apr-19 13:36:55

Explain your feelings to your son. He is old enough to understand why this situation would be uncomfortable, awkward and potentially upsetting for you. Too much water under the bridge, he should be understanding of that.

cranstonmanor Mon 01-Apr-19 13:36:50

What does your son precisely want? Does it have to be a long drawn out thing at home or would a 15 minute coffee in a public place an a few photo's of son with mum and dad be enough?

Miffymeow Mon 01-Apr-19 13:35:00

Explain your feelings to you son, he might not realise how much things impacted on your or that it still affects you. If this was my mother I would never ask her to be in a situation that I knew would hurt her, it may well be that he doesn't realise. Just be clear that it in no way affects him meeting his father himself and that you are happy for him to do so, you just don't wish to meet him yourself.

babyno5 Mon 01-Apr-19 12:40:20

@Nurseornot thank you x
Rather surprisingly he has actually had quite a frank discussion with son and apologised for not being a part of his life for 28 years. Son has always known that I would have loved his dad to have been part of his life

Nurseornot Mon 01-Apr-19 12:35:41

Oh OP flowers

Please keep your ♥️ safe. Meeting this man now might do a number on your mental health as well. I could see it being tempting from a curiosity standpoint but people never change, they just mask who they are. This man is the same man who left his son 28 years ago, and there's no need to build a nonexistent relationship. It will most likely just upset you when he takes no responsibility and tries to blame you instead.

babyno5 Mon 01-Apr-19 12:32:06

@TomorrowsDiet because my son had a relationship with the rest of his dads family he didn't feel like a stranger to him-just the final piece of the jigsaw. From my conversations with my sons GM over the years it would appear that it was his dads wife who stopped the contact. Yes I know a better man would have stood up to her and done the right thing!
I don't feel hurt at all. I just want him to be happy. As well as his own baby he's a step dad too so fully understands that not everything is straightforward when it comes to parenting.

TomorrowsDiet Mon 01-Apr-19 12:26:14

Only do what’s comfortable for you, OP.

In your shoes I’d be really hurt that my DS wanted to track down and spend time with a stranger whose main contribution to his being was 30 minutes of fun many decades ago. So it depends how you feel towards the man.

SurgeHopper Mon 01-Apr-19 12:24:32

You don't have to be there

Asta19 Mon 01-Apr-19 12:23:52

I have to do it for my son

No, you don't. As others have said, there's no reason you need to be there. It would be bad enough if it was just your ex, but his wife and grown up kids too? No. Don't go, it will only hurt you.

CookPassBabtridge Mon 01-Apr-19 12:18:57

You don't need to be there. I wouldn't go, it would be awkward all round.

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