To discuss Christmas in March!!!(82 Posts)
Ok so I know it’s over 6 months away but I’m already fretting over this.
DH & I have gone to my PILs every Christmas for the last 8 years (since before we were married.) They live almost 2 hours away so we always stay with them for a few days.
We spend Christmas Eve with my family, they live just down the road from us so we go home that evening. My DM has been very good about us going there for Xmas day, but it does always make me sad leaving and know I’m not seeing them on Xmas day itself.
I am pregnant and due in late Sept.
Today my MIL started talking about a cot she is getting, so “when you’re over to mine for Christmas”. I have no intentions of going this year. I don’t want to travel with my 3 month old baby and I want to spend its first Christmas at home.
I’m worried this new is going to go down like a shit sandwich with MIL who is very demanding.
Can I really be expected to pack up all my new baby’s things and travel to spend Christmas at their house?
How am I going to break the news? (Obviously much closer to the time)
Just tell- me and dh are spending Christmas with our dc in our own home, starting our own traditions. We will Arrange to see you after Christmas (possibly).
You need to stop giving a shit, seriously stop over thinking. Next time she mentions the cot "oh lovely, not for Christmas though, we are staying home this year" <insert mil whinge and horror> "Eh ok, we've been every year for 8 years, things change, we'll have a baby so not travelling the first year and every year after that we will take as it comes" <more whinging> "Right I am out of here, it's April ffs and we are grown adults, conversation is over"
Like it's Christmas, one day and your here in fucking March sweating over what your mil will say big girl pants on, say no, no drama, hey presto
People often decide to stay as a family in their own home once children come along. You can start a new tradition, maybe go to the in-laws for boxing day?
We were too scared/pathetic to tell our PIL we didn’t want to spend Christmas with them, so we told them we were going away for Christmas, then just ‘never got around’ to booking it and stayed at home just the three of us and I love it, now every year we have this pathetic little charade of ‘oh, we’re gokng to go away this year’ but everyone knows we’re just staying at home.
It’s the cowards way out but it works for us!
Does your DH agree with you? If so, get him to tell her that you will be staying at home. If he doesn't, then that is a separate conversation.
Fwiw, me and my ex regularly drove 230+ miles (to my parents) with our DD from a very early age so I think, if you wanted to, it is doable.
It's nine months
But as above, "that's lovely but not for our first xmas with baby, we are staying home" and the "yes but we've travelled to yours for eight years, we have our own little family now and will take things as they come".
Brilliantly said, PP
It maybe March but if you tell her now, she will have plenty of time to get used to it.
Tell her I will have a 3 month baby, I am not going anywhere this Christmas. We will be spending our first Christmas at home.
I would actually tell them (or at least plant the seed) asap. More time to get used to it. And they can't really justify getting all worked up about it now, when it's so far off...
Why on earth have you gone to pils for EIGHT YEARS!?
We had a big fallout with mil over Christmas because she expected that we would spend it every year with her. I have stuck to my guns and we do one year with her, one year with my family and one year with me and DH alone or away.
She has the occasional wobble but DH reminds her that we are doing it to be fair to everyone.
It's hard the first year. Your DH will have to bite the bullet. You both need to be on the same page " WE have decided we are spending this 'Chtistmas just the three of us". Arrange the alternative straight away if you plan to have one.
You ILs will be disappointed and that's understandable. You're not doing anything wrong so enjoy.
It is your turn for the next 8 years. Enjoy them!
@CalmdownJanet Thanks, I did actually need that virtual bitch slap. You’re absolutely spot on.
Agree the party line with DH first, then when it next comes up just say something like 'we haven't decided what we are doing for baby's first Christmas yet.....' and change the subject in the same breath. So basically break it to her gently, and nearer the time get DH to say no. You never know, nearer the time you might find it easier to turn up to ready made Christmas.
@Leeds2 We’ve only breifly discussed it but he seems to agree with me it’s not practical. I have tread really carefully to get him on side though, because if he pushes for it I will probably end up agreeing to go and I REALLY don’t want to. I want to have our 1st Christmas in our house as a family.
Wait until it comes up again and then just say 'we won't be this year obviously, as we will have a small baby. We can use it for staying another time though'. And use this as an opportunity to stop going there every year at Christmas, just go every few years, or don't go for Christmas day again if you don't want to.
When I was pregnant my parents were talking about 'Christmas Day next year with the baby' and I just said 'we plan on staying at home for Christmas Day once DC is born'. There was a bit of fuss but people have gotten used to it now.
@DisastrousBee I know, I know. (Hangs head in shame!)
It started off as “we will alternate” but honestly his mum is so forceful and mine is really understanding, so I’ve just gone along with it. I promise I’m not usually such a weak person but i convinced myself “this works for us” (cos my
DM has never given us shit for it!)
To be completely honest, the last couple of years i’ve thought to myself “play the long game, when you have a baby you won’t have to come for Christmas”
FineFanks your welcome, now go ring your mil Ah no she probably just caught you out today, given it's March it's hardly surprising but just do it, it's like a plaster, just rip it off and don't feed the drama after, walk away knowing you have every right to do your thing
We usually go to my parents for Christmas (5 out of the 6 years we have been together). I'm due our first in 6 weeks and was with my parents this weekend, they were saying how lovely it will be to have the baby around at Christmas - I said that of course we will see them over the festive period but they should be prepared that we will be doing things differently when we become a family of 3. That I don't know what that will look like yet but we can discuss it nearer the time- just managing expectations nice and early - my parents are lovely but expect the family to revolve around them xx
OP can only imagine how your mum feels. You live down the road from here and never once actually spending with her. She may be understanding but...
Anyway, stay at home. Where are you going at the height of British winter with a two/three month old baby. Just to please someone else?? It's your first Xmas with your baby, it will not come around again.
If you stay home will your parents come over for xmas? I’m just wondering if that’s what will be the sticking point? If you are staying home and not seeing anyone it will be easier to say you want to spend baby’s first Xmas alone.
Would the in-laws be able to come to you?
Also you need to play the long game. 3 month old babies are quite portable and don’t actually do much. The following year they will be mobile and babbling and interacting - you might want to spend that year with your parents and give your in-laws the ‘boring first xmas’!!!
You need to just tell her now. Give her 8 months to throw her toys out of the pram if that is what she will do, hopefully by december she will have calmed down and not ruin your first christmas as parents.
Broken record technique OP “this year we are staying home”. If your MIL is forceful keep repeating. And repeat again “this year we are staying home”. You don’t have to justify your decision to anybody.
Surely it should be your DP telling her? Why is this on you to sort?
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