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AIBU to want my DD to do her absolute best?

(64 Posts)
Lincspeeps Sun 31-Mar-19 17:14:14

DD is currently in Yr10 and about to take her mock GCSEs after Easter.

All her lessons are revision lessons and she is doing well (predicted a 7 in all subjects) but whenever I ask her about revising at home it results in World War 3.

Neither I nor DH did well at school and DD is naturally intelligent and I want her to push herself. She's not lazy but happy to watch shit on TV instead of revising - I haven't seen her lift a school book in a year but parents' evening are a joy.

We have just fought like cat and dog as I suggested she needed a revision timetable over the Easter hols - she exploded. DH stepped in and smoothed waters and DD went back to watching TV.

To make matters worse, her school sent a touchy-feely email to all parents on Friday saying the exams are nothing to worry about and not to put too much pressure on our children. My concern is we are only a year away from the real thing......when DO they start to matter? And how the hell to you motivate a teenager to revise at that stage when they're not used to it?

Sorry, I'm venting. Am I being a horrible, pushy mother or is it not unreasonable to hope/expect her to do some revision instead of watching bloody Riverdale???

frugalkitty Mon 01-Apr-19 21:35:08

I agree, it's hard as a parent to trust that your child is taking things seriously. But in year 10 I wouldn't worry too much. My DS sits his first GCSE six weeks today....shrug, loads of time, he says! He's on course for 8s/9s but it worries me that without actually doing some proper revision he's cruising for a bruising. Ultimately, you can lead a horse to water and all that.....

Happyspud Mon 01-Apr-19 21:19:53

The thing is not all people can or will do well. Parents can help push weaker students (with the right temperament) somewhat over a line but you just don’t know what you’re dealing with till it’s too late. Push the wrong kid too hard and you get the opposite effect.

CherryPavlova Mon 01-Apr-19 18:46:20

@ ihatehashtags I’m not sure why swearing or personal opinion on the qualities of ‘doctors’ in hospital is either necessary or valid. My experience as an employee and employer is that good grades impress for a long time.
Good grades don’t mean you can’t also have good people skills - which is what you appear to be suggesting.

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse Mon 01-Apr-19 16:26:02

I think pushing her to revise is obviously backfiring. I do agree that some people just don’t need to revise and some people (like me) probably should revise but it takes time to figure out how to do that.

I’d leave her be for now. If her teachers are happy with her, then she is obviously doing something right. Mine were forever on my case 😬.

My DH is one of ‘those people’ who doesn’t seem to need to revise very much btw. He coasted 4 grade As at A level and got a first in a science subject at a really decent university. I know he didn’t work hard at university, as that’s where we met. He just knows exactly what to revise, how many marks he needs to get the grade he wants and how to do that with efficiency. I don’t know where he learnt that skill envy!

PostNotInHaste Mon 01-Apr-19 16:18:31

I think pushing too hard at this point runs the risk of them burning out this time next year. I’d see what the results are and review in light of this.

ijustdontunderstandher Mon 01-Apr-19 16:11:56

It might not work for your DD, but the year 10 mocks don’t actually mean much, so maybe see how she does in her mocks with the way she’s going and if her grades aren’t very good it might give her the kick up the bum she needs.

On another note, does she have any idea what she wants to be yet?. Maybe if she knows what qualifications are needed for the job she wants she might get a bit of drive to achieve them.

BlackPrism Mon 01-Apr-19 16:07:25

Sounds like me during GCSE year. I worked hard enough at school time (and had the aptitude obvs I know not everyone can go without revision) to get all A*-B, not an ounce of revision. Have spoken to my mum about it many years later and she says that after my mock results she realised I'd do just fine and she stopped with the nagging and pressure - much nicer year for us both.

If she does badly in mock exams? Come down like a tonne of bricks. If she does well, leave her be.

Jackshouse Mon 01-Apr-19 11:02:42

Have you offered to help her revise? Listened to her talk about subjects, dicuss them over dinner, make cards with her, test her on her knowledge and bought her appropriate revision guides.

Comefromaway Mon 01-Apr-19 11:00:01

My dd did her GCSe's only last year. She did work hard, but she did nothng in the Easter of Year 10, she had 3 weeks off (and did a residential ballet Easter school).

Happyspud Mon 01-Apr-19 10:04:49

I can only tell you what I was like. Intelligent, lazy and very independent. I went ballistic if my parents told me to study. I had my own benchmark for what was an acceptable result and made sure to hit it myself. Going higher than I needed to be took too much effort and I wasn’t willing to do it. I did well, not excellent, in school to get exactly what I wanted in university. I did excellent in university. And have gotten everything I want in life and work with minimal effort. It’s just how I work.

Also see the Von Manstein matrix, made me laugh because I recognise those 4 types of people I’m pretty much everyone I know.

HolyForkingShirt Mon 01-Apr-19 09:59:32

My parents used to say - "don't use your intelligence to coast" - but TBH, why not?! I love to have more free time for hobbies. Why would I want to work my socks off - for what? I didn't want to go to Oxbridge, I don't want a promotion at work or to do more than 7.5 hours. When I find something in life I really want to aim for, then I'll put the work in! In final year uni I worked 9-5 6 days a week to get a 1st, but apart from that there hasn't really been anything worth that much work. Hard work is really over-fetishised in our culture.

k1233 Mon 01-Apr-19 09:45:12

Bittern I don't think that's the case at all. Some people find academic work easy. I did a law degree and unrelated professional quals without opening a book. I'm smart and assimilate information easily. Doesn't mean I don't work hard in my chosen profession. I certainly do, but my effort is spent on improvements and complicated scenarios, not trying to understand what the initial problem is.

HolyForkingShirt Mon 01-Apr-19 09:41:12

I revised for each GCSE for about 3 hours the night before, and got A*s and As

However this was 10 years ago when they were a piece of piss

Ariela Mon 01-Apr-19 09:36:52

I'm almost 60 and did the old O levels, getting very good grades, didn't start revising till after the mocks (which didn't go so well). However our mocks were in January just before the exams, not a year before... I'm sure she'll work out what she needs to do for the real thing in time for next summer, even if that means poor results this year.

Bittern11 Mon 01-Apr-19 08:48:19

How old are all the posters who are saying they coasted through their GCSEs and didn't revise for them?

The current GCSEs are a whole new kettle of fish. They are harder than previous GCSEs and they're all terminal exams. No course work goes towards the final grade.

So the advice of anyone who sat GCSEs more than a couple of years ago is totally irrelevant here.

DD is at a grammar and the Year 10s are all revising this year - so they have less to do next year. They've had talks from current Year 11s who left all their revising to Year 11 and are having a hell of a time trying to catch up on everything. If your dd is doing any of the sciences, for e.g., the amount of work they cover is unbelievable.

Students will be learning possibly up until the Easter before the exams, depending how fast teachers are teaching, which does not leave much time to revise two years' worth of work for 9 subjects...

EleanorOalike Mon 01-Apr-19 08:41:49

Oh yes, and I did work for my results. I worked very hard in class, engaged with all questions, contributed to discussions and didn’t mess about like many other kids and I put hours each night into my homework for the two years prior to the exams.

EleanorOalike Mon 01-Apr-19 08:39:29

I didn’t revise and only got one B and one C, all the rest were A* and A’s and at A-Level I got 100% on several papers, A overall on everything except General Studies which was a B. Some people don’t need to revise.

Ihatehashtags Mon 01-Apr-19 08:33:47

@cherrypavlova bollocks about level 9s impressing employers for years to come. Grades mean nothing except to show you can work hard if you want to. And grades show nothing about a persons people skills. Just take a looks at doctors in the hospitals and you’ll understand what I mean!

malificent7 Mon 01-Apr-19 07:44:17

Am i the only person who had to work for my gcses? I disagree that you don't need to revise for them..year 10 is a bit early though.

CherryPavlova Mon 01-Apr-19 06:51:15

I’m with you OP. It sounds like school accepts mediocre performance from potentially high achievers. I think in year 10 there has to be balance but yes of course she should be supported to aim for level 9s in all subjects. I’m sure she used to practice for spelling tests and this is no different.
Turn tv off, set revision times, help find interesting ways to revise, reward revision activities- “after you’ve revised for two hours on Saturday, we’ll go into town for lunch” etc.
I’d have the discussion about higher grades giving better options and being a better foundation for A levels. I’d also point out that a sheet of level 9s impresses employers for years to come.
Don’t accept second best for her.

Oblomov19 Mon 01-Apr-19 06:46:00

I'm on the year 10 thread, which I've found very helpful. Advise with GCSE mocks, and revision.

HoY told me that Ds1 is coasting, as are many of the boys in his year!! 'It's a problem!!

Namenic Mon 01-Apr-19 06:22:37

People are allowed to coast.

But if it was my kid and I were to consider supporting them going to university I would expect them to put effort into their work. Wouldn’t mind so much about the grades. I’d ask them what they wanted to do afterwards and counsel them on how getting better grades would allow them to get on a better course/uni which would impact their job and quality of life later.

Building the work ethic is the most important thing because at some point people will find they have to work - and i’d Rather it was not too late (when they’re in oodles of debt). If they weren’t able to do this over the next few years I’d encourage them to do apprenticeship after a level (if they can get on one).

But take an interest in her work and see her blind spots. 7s has room for improvement.

TwoShades1 Mon 01-Apr-19 05:49:41

If she is doing well in classes and getting good marks there does she need to revise? I will admit to doing exceptionally little actual revision before exams and doing extremely well.

Ihatehashtags Mon 01-Apr-19 04:54:50

Yes you are being pushy!! My own mother used to constantly compare how much I was studying to how much her friends kids were studying. Drove me mental and we had huge fights about it. I ended up with whatever the top levels are you can get these days. If however your child is struggling I think setting a bit of a timetable for study with some Fun times as well would be a good idea.

k1233 Sun 31-Mar-19 23:39:07

If her lessons are all revision lessons, why does she need to do more revision at home? I was your daughter. Academically things are easy for me. Final year of school my mother chucked a hissy as I was doing something with BF instead of revising maths. Like your daughter, we'd had weeks of revision in class. I ended up getting 62.5/65 on final exam, got the award for maths and numerous other classes.

If she's on top of her work, then what's the problem?

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