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How bad a mum am I?

(74 Posts)
hipslikecinderella Sun 31-Mar-19 10:04:37

I spend a lot of time in my bed. Half the day normally, even at weekends when dh is amazingly helpful with the kids.
The reason is mainly because I'm so so tired. Been to the doctor numerous times and although I have a vascular disease they don't think its related and can't give me anything to help.
Sneakingly I suspect its anti depressants as when I'm not taking them I don't get so tired. But I am susceptible to breakdowns and anxiety disorder so it's better to be on them.
What I'd really like is some ritalin or other 'wake up' drug, but it's not an option.
I go to the gym and walk outside regularly. The gym gives me a boost for that day, the walking tires me out - but I need a nap every day regardless.
How badly are my children going to be affected seeing me in bed so much? They are 8 and 9.
I'm considering boarding school for secondary so they can see how to live normally. I so don't want them to have this life.

Reddragonqueen Sun 31-Mar-19 10:07:18

My mum was in bed a lot in my early teens and was grumpy when she wasn't. It definitely had a big effect on me and our relationship. She's not a bad mum she was very poorly but I didn't get to enjoy weekends like all my friends

teyem Sun 31-Mar-19 10:14:44

I don't think you are a bad mum at all. And as the child to a mother who also spent acres of time in bed and a hands on Dad, I have some experience of the other side of this.

The foundation of your relationship with your children isn't an equation based on good health and the number of hours spent 'doing things'.

Are you still available to them? Do you keep your door open? Can they get into bed with you and can you give them a hug when they need it?

You are a family unit and your dh is able to fill the gaps you currently cannot. You are a family that is modelling compromise and compassion and strength. And that a family can adapt to a shifting situation and make it work.

FissionChips Sun 31-Mar-19 10:16:33

Have you had your B12 and vitamin D levels checked?

hipslikecinderella Sun 31-Mar-19 10:22:11

Reddragonqueen I'm sorry about your teen experiences.

Teyem, that is a very kind post. Door is always open to chat and hug. I tell them how much I love being with them, but thay sometimes I can't show that to them and its not their fault.

I take b12 and vitamin d supplements daily.....

MrsCasares Sun 31-Mar-19 10:25:41

A kind mum is better then an abusive shouty mum. Your dc will remember the hugs and kisses.

But your gp needs to look into what makes you so tired. Agree with getting your b12 and vit d checked.

Be kind to yourself, you only have one life.

Queenofthestress Sun 31-Mar-19 10:29:19

Have you had your fenrin levels checked? Sometimes if your body isnt storing iron properly it makes you lethergic

Queenofthestress Sun 31-Mar-19 10:30:25

Plus taking supplements when your levels are low effectively only stops them going lower it doesnt build them up enough

Decormad38 Sun 31-Mar-19 10:32:48

I don’t think boarding school reflects ‘normal family life’ whatsoever! Try to set some goals so that yes you have a nap but then you also have quality family time too. Are you setting an alarm or just sleeping till whenever?

WWWWicked Sun 31-Mar-19 10:32:49

I don’t understand, is your GP continuing to look for a cause, or have they said that this is how your life is, that’s it?

Why do you go waking if you know it tires you out?

ThatFalseEquivalenceTho Sun 31-Mar-19 10:33:54

Which Anti ds are you on? I had to swap to Venlafaxine as the ones I was on were making me physically exhausted and unable to do anything.

hipslikecinderella Sun 31-Mar-19 10:34:16

I've had numerous tests for all of the above and nothing is low.
I just take supplements to maintain.
I have high cholesterol that's all that came from blood tests, but that's hereditary and I am slim.

GiveMeAllTheGin8 Sun 31-Mar-19 10:37:10

Sounds very hard , no advice but I definitely don’t think boarding school would reflect normal life.
That’s a good few years away, could you sleep in the day and by the time they are in from school hey up for a few hours?
Is your gp looking for answers?

hipslikecinderella Sun 31-Mar-19 10:39:42

I'm on ssris. Venlafaxine is prozac right?
GPs scratch their heads and order tests, but can't find a reason.
I walk to keep my body healthy and get fresh air and I enjoy it.
When kids at school alarm goes off at 6 for school runs etc. Then i do some cooking/ exercise, eat lunch and go back to bed.
Weekends I don't really set the alarm but they wake me up at 6 ish.

Historydweeb Sun 31-Mar-19 10:42:32

Have you been checked for lupus?

Jackshouse Sun 31-Mar-19 10:43:45

Go back to the doctors and dicuss it. You could change antidepressant but it’s probably the depression that is causing the problem.

usernamesarerubbish Sun 31-Mar-19 10:44:18

I was on an anti depressant which made me sleep for hours at a time, it might be time to try another one?

pandarific Sun 31-Mar-19 10:44:44

That sounds awful op. sad could you afford to go privately so you can have more of a 'we're not stopping until we find out what it is' approach? It sounds like it could be worth it.

hipslikecinderella Sun 31-Mar-19 10:48:22

I could change ads again but that's a ball ache in itself as they make you "flush out" and have none for ages.
In the us you can get wellbutrin, gp wouldn't entertain that here. Not sure if a private psychiatrist/gp would.either......

hazell42 Sun 31-Mar-19 10:48:29

I suffer from chronic fatigue as part of a medical condition. Out up with it for years, then started buying modafinil over the internet. It has revolutionised my life and I can work again.
Not recommending drug use for anyone.
Just saying it worked for me. You are unlikely to get a prescription for it, but you could try researching things that can help you concentrate, and decide what works for you

usernamesarerubbish Sun 31-Mar-19 10:52:28

cinerella might be worth the effort though? I ended up taking a whole packet of the sleepy AD so it triggered a change in meds (one of the side effects was "suicidal thoughts"!!!)

Camomila Sun 31-Mar-19 11:06:18

DM was in bed a lot at the weekend in my early teens - she had breast cancer and the tamoxifen was really tough on her.

I never thought she was a bad mum. And there was plenty of stuff she could do even though she was I'll/didn't require much energy.
She got me into sci fi and we'd stay up late watching all sorts of rubbish when dad and dbro was asleep (we still do when I visit!)
And she was/is really crafty and would always help with school art work for us.

Are there any nice low energy things you could do with the DC while you find out what's wrong? Maybe a movie afternoon with popcorn under the duvet (and you can nap)

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 31-Mar-19 11:09:16

@hazell42
I have CFS badly. Am often bedridden. Do you get this prescribed or buy it? What is your medical condition?

Op if you’re a bad mother I’m a diabolical one. I deffo could never go to the gym. I struggle to make food for dd.

PinkysEars Sun 31-Mar-19 11:25:55

I'm paraphrasing madly, but after Christopher Reeve had the accident which paralysed him he was struggling with feelings of uselessness, especially to his children. He wrote that what helped to lift him from that depression was the realisation that what his children needed was his mind, not his body.

I think its emotional presence which matters to children.

WorraLiberty Sun 31-Mar-19 11:59:44

The replies might be a little bit skewed because you've used the words 'Bad mum'.

But my ex used to lay in bed for half the day every weekend and the kids just learned to get on with their day without him. They did resent the fact he'd get up and do something when he wanted to, like going to the gym or riding his bike.

They're grown up now, there's not much emotional attachment and they don't have many memories of days out that included him.

I'm not sure boarding school is the answer though.

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