This is more an Am I being unreasonably concerned (and sorry for the long post!).
When my DD left junior for secondary last September she was a very happy, bright, creative and slightly eccentric girl with a lot of friends. Until recently I’d got the impression that things were continuing as normal at secondary school, but I had a rather worrying conversation with her today.
Since starting the Spring term she has become rather pale, grumpy and emotional. Me and my DH initially put it down to hormones, but today she (and her best friend) really opened up about the pressure they feel under to be popular at school and, in particular, on Instagram. It really threw me and I’m worried that this is only going to get worse.
My DD is in a class with her best friend from junior school, but there is a large, dominant group of girls there from another school, who seem to lord it over the rest of them and whom everyone seems to want approval from, including the boys. This on its own I could offer advice on, as I remember it happening at times in my school, but now it comes with a whole other strata of pressure from Instagram as well.
My DD and her friend follow these girls on Instagram and they have three times the followers my DD has and get hundreds more likes and many comments etc. Just writing this is making me think how ridiculous it is, as it’s not real life, but I’m not a 12 year old girl in 2019 and I really don’t think telling her to just come off Instagram is the answer, as she would be known as that girl who’s no longer on Instagram etc.
My maim worry is that, until now, my DD was the sort of person who was so above this sort of rubbish, but that it’s just so pervasive and overwhelming at secondary level that she’s going to end up being some sort of compromised and watered down version of herself just so she can ‘fit in’, in real life and on social media.
Instagram is such a recent phenomenon and I just wondered if there were any mums out there whose DDs were currently navigating it or who had ‘come out the other side’ who could perhaps offer me some advice, reassurance or anecdotes I could pass on to my DD!
AIBU?
How can I best advise my DD on dealing with social cliques and social media at secondary school?
OccidentalPurist · 31/03/2019 00:35
I am watching with interest, too. Have an 11 yr old about to start secondary. He has a phone and has only just been given minutes, data, etc. The rest of his yr 6 class have had this for at least a yr... we held back until now. However, I have set up multiple parent control/restrictions on it... just as we do all other electronic media. We have a great app on it called Qustudio. This has enabled me to block all social media. Firstly, the law is age 13 and secondly, its a safety net until that time comes. We also have time restrictions set of 1 hr max usage per day. He also has to hand it over at 6:30pm each night and cannot ever take it into his bedroom alone. I am very strict about these things but we do live in a demanding era of peer pressure from so many sources.
I am interested to hear how we handle the whole 'likes, comments' and maybe even bullying side of social media before the time comes. He - like most tweenagers/teens - is keen for approval and to 'fit in'.
Lots of luck OP 
Unfortunately... there isn't a lot you can do about it other than grin and bear it and hope that your DD is confident and clever enough to be able to navigate what is right and what is wrong
I disagree - I think it's our duty as parents to show our children how to be confident and guide them into deciding what's right and wrong.
DD (14) and I have had many chats about how great the internet is - she loves make-up tutorials on YouTube! - but also how downright daft or harmful it can be.
We talk about why would you need to get your sense of self-worth from the number of likes people give you? Don't give them that power!
If you are going to a party, don't post a pouty full length photo hoping people will say you're gorg or peng - get your self worth from your reflection! Don't give others the opportunity to post "your (sic) ugly"
DD was hurt a couple of times when she saw on Snapchat that friends had done things without her. I empathised and it's led to discussions about the ever changing nature of friendships and dealing with our feelings (I'm still working on that one as an adult 
)
My dd is quite shy in general but has lovely friends, she is better socially than me
I asked her how she does it once and she said if someone makes her feel a bit uncomfortable even though they are seemingly nice she doesn't try to make friends, only with people she feels relaxed and can be herself with.
On SM she just likes to have an instagram account to see what others are posting and chat with friends in a group, but its under a false name and she never posts anything. I didn't make her do that she is just very private, but it does keep her safe from bullies.
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