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Belittled in front of husbands work colleagues

(53 Posts)
tryingtobereal Sat 30-Mar-19 19:22:25

To be feeling really small.

I work in retail, not my dream job and I’m studying so I can one day find something more along the lines to what my husband does (very skilled office job). But it means I can contribute towards bills and have enough time to spend some quality time with the husband/family. And I actually enjoy selling and helping people.

I was at a dinner party last night, and the host who is a friend we made recently interrupted a conversation I was having with one of my husbands work colleagues to say “ I’m so impressed with you...., you’re not one of those wives who sit on their fat arses, and you work in a shop instead. It’s so impressive you do that, when you could just be at home”. I didn’t think much of it, but if just seemed inappropriate since I was trying to have a serious conversation with this other lady. It also was said in a very patronizing tone and incorrect since I could not do the above even if I wanted to.

Later on in the evening we had to leave somewhat early because I work on Saturdays, we were saying our goodbyes and in a loud tone she said in front of everyone “.....has to leave because his wife works in a shop, and they start really early. Don’t you have to wake up in the early hours? I feel so sorry for you but I think it’s so impressive ....that you do this”.

I guess in word format it sounds silly. I felt so belittled, because it’s already awkward enough for me in these situations when I can’t join in the conversations as I’m not networked in their circles. But it was done in a loud patronizing manner in front of guests and my husbands colleagues. She herself has a top job in the city and everyone in the room is very much on the same line. She does not work with my husband though.

Am I being crazy to feel this way? I can’t shrug the feeling off.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Sat 30-Mar-19 19:25:00

Shes an arse. For what ever reason she felt threatened by you. I hope your DH defended you ?

NCforthis2019 Sat 30-Mar-19 19:38:43

Nah. She’s was an arse, if she really wanted to say how impressive you were (which you are btw) then she could have privately spoken to you. She didn’t have to say it out loud so everyone knew. She was trying to patronise you while adding positives to her sentences.... ‘your so impressive’ to make her look like she’s being all nice to you but I think I’m reality, she’s a jumped up city cow who probably has low self esteem and has to belittle others who has a job ‘lower’ than hers (in her eyes anyway)

I hope your DH put her straight. I could never be friends with someone like that.

And don’t give it another moments thought OP - your are doing a great job - you’re helping with the household expense etc etc. Good luck.

wafflyversatile Sat 30-Mar-19 19:44:30

She was being an arse and I expect the other people know it. Its for her to feel belittled.

BloodsportForAll Sat 30-Mar-19 19:46:39


She had no right to judge you like that. What an awful way to behave.

Chottie Sat 30-Mar-19 19:48:54

I really wouldn't worry about it.

She has just shown everyone exactly who she is. If I had been there, I would have just thought "what what a prize b*tch".

Good luck with your studies - onwards and upwards. smile

Tentomidnight Sat 30-Mar-19 19:55:38

I’m guessing that you are either either fantastic conversationally or very attractive, or both, and she felt threatened by you.
She behaved terribly, but try not to let her comments get to you, she’s not worth the effort.

Knittedfairies Sat 30-Mar-19 20:00:09

Her comments say far more about her than you; I think most of your husband's colleagues will have picked up on that.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt Sat 30-Mar-19 20:00:32

I'm a wife who sits at home on her fat arse...

I do a tonne of stuff but she would have judged the fuck out of me then.

She's a snobby git.

OutOntheTilez Sat 30-Mar-19 20:00:56

She’s a horse’s a$$. Sorry, didn’t mean to insult horses.

She’s passive-aggressive and for whatever reason feels the need to belittle others to make herself feel better and look important. It’s very adolescent behavior, and she’s pathetic. She’s shown her true colors, and if the other people there are decent people, they’ll recognize this and see her for what she is.

You are doing wonderfully, taking care of your family emotionally and financially. Good luck to you star

SeventhWave Sat 30-Mar-19 20:11:42

"Yes, I enjoy the job, although it can be stressful at times - you wouldn't believe the number of condescending, patronising customers we get who look down their noses at us and treat us like servants because we only work in a shop"

Notcontent Sat 30-Mar-19 20:22:18

Yes, she was being a bitch. But other people would have noticed, as it sounds like they were a bunch of reasonably intelligent people...

As others have pointed out, she must have felt threatened by you. Or she is having a hard time and wanted to take it out on someone.

GreatDuckCookery Sat 30-Mar-19 20:24:30

Spiteful cow. I hope everyone else could see what she doing? The problem is her OP. Please don’t let this get to you.

ReallyReallyNo Sat 30-Mar-19 20:26:54

What a fucking twat! Obviously very threatened by you for some reason so is trying to disarm you and make you feel inadequate. If she ever does it again say “what an odd thing to say!” Make this face hmm and carry on your conversation.

HotSauceCommittee Sat 30-Mar-19 20:31:46

I think this reflects on her, not you. She might like the money and the working lifestyle, but you like your job, you’re studying too, there’s nothing wrong with that but I get the impression that you think there is.
My OH is a professor and earns three times as much as me. My job is interesting and sounds sexy to others, so no problem with friends, family and HIS colleagues, but if it comes out at work about what he does, some of my colleagues looked really surprised as if it to “a professor? With YOU?”. I actually say it out loud for them and it just amuses me now. Your life works for you and if you are happy, just ignore the knobheads and enjoy life.
I’d get some friends and some wine and tell them about what was said, so you can have a debrief, a laugh and slag her off a bit.

katseyes7 Sat 30-Mar-19 20:36:01

Ah, "one of those". l worked (briefly) in an M & S food hall. Most people were lovely, but you did get the odd one like her who treated you like a Victorian kitchen maid, looked down their nose at you, and behaved as if you should be tugging your forelock and curtseying.
lt says a lot more about her than it does about you. And other people will know that too. lgnore it.

Funkyferret Sat 30-Mar-19 20:39:50

Ugh. I think we've all met her type before in different capacities. Unfortunately, she doesn't realise that everyone like you, working in retail (bricks and mortar or online), hospitality, etc, who are not "sat at home on their fat arses" make her little world go round.

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner Sat 30-Mar-19 20:52:12

If I was a fellow guest I would have called her out ( and forego any further invitations ) only once you had departed. Retail and hospitality roles are very nuanced positions so she has already displayed she’d be suitable for neither - utter arse that she is.

rwalker Sat 30-Mar-19 21:12:02

Wouldn't give it a second thought. Think people will remember her being a bitch rather than your career choice .

TheSecondMrsAshwell Sat 30-Mar-19 21:12:18

Anyone could take her place and she knows it. You, on the other hand are making your way. You and your DH will be a team to reckon with. I know you're not doing it in case your DH does a runner, but if he does, you will be able to stand on your own two feet, which is more than I'm willing to bet she can.

If you were on my dinner party list, I'd be asking you back on a non-school night.

SabineUndine Sat 30-Mar-19 21:15:05

She's a Hyacinth Bucket, I would say. Would refuse invitations in future.

Camomila Sat 30-Mar-19 21:17:43

I think its happened to everyone at some point, meeting a smug/patronising person...I met a lady at a mutual friends party and when describing her job she said 'but I wouldn't expect you to understand' (with a tinkly laugh)

We did the same degree at the same university a year or two apart so I'm not sure why she decided I couldn't understand confused

Bluntness100 Sat 30-Mar-19 21:20:47

Well she was putting you down for a reason. I'm going to go with you're either more attractive than her or as a pp said, were more popular at the event,

She was being a bitch. Don't let her get to you. When people do this, there is always a reason and it's not because you work in a shop.

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld Sat 30-Mar-19 21:29:59

She absolutely did it because she somehow felt inferior/threatened/insecure because of you, either in looks, personality, ambition or whatever.

I’d take it as a compliment OP, and you can be sure it wasn’t missed by the other reasonably intelligent people present. Laugh at her insecurity and move on.

Passmethecrisps Sat 30-Mar-19 21:35:09

She is an enormous arse who everyone else now knows is an enormous arse if they didn’t already.

Smile inwardly at the fact that she only did it because something about you got under her skin.

Riversguidebook Sat 30-Mar-19 21:36:17

Can’t speak for the men present, but any other woman present I’m happy to generalise would have clocked her tone in one and thought she’s a cow.

You’re contributing financially to your household and raising a family. She’s probably jealous that you do indeed ‘have it all’.

honeylulu Sat 30-Mar-19 21:51:09

What a patronising cunt! Not worth a moment more of your thoughts.

Italiangreyhound Sat 30-Mar-19 21:58:27

Please let that feeling go, OP. As others have said, she is a total arse and incredibly rude. My guess is other guests were hugely embarrassed for her being such a twat.

Mumsymumphy Sat 30-Mar-19 22:33:37

For whatever reason, she felt jealous of you.

I can pretty much guarantee anyone there with half a brain & not up their own arse would have been thinking "What an absolute bitch!"

PregnantSea Sun 31-Mar-19 08:42:50

My husband and I both have what you would describe as well respected careers, and if I was one of the women at that party I would have thought that woman was being a total wanker. She sounds very insecure and I'm impressed you didn't tell her to fuck off. You didn't need to though, she made herself look stupid on all her own.

No one worth caring about would have thought any less of you because of her comments. They were probably all shocked and appalled by what she said.

Whereareyouspot Sun 31-Mar-19 08:51:44

If it helps OP I can assure you the only one people would have been cringing for was her

The other guests will know exactly what a twattish thing that was for her to say.

You know you have nothing to apologise for or defend to anyone else
Do your thing
Who cares what her job is.

She’s being patronising and she knows it. Or should if she had an ounce of sense.

Avoid her from now on but if you do get forced to see her I’d be calling her out- privately one on one- and saying her loud comment about your work was not called for and felt patronising. Then refuse to discuss further when she doubtless gushes about only wanting to tell everyone how marvellous you are!

toomuchtooold Sun 31-Mar-19 09:00:44

I used to work in the city (nothing very high powered grin) and I think there's an attitude among some of the folk in the more high powered roles that you basically have to shite all over everyone, all the time. Always competing and always on. Even trying to get out of a commuter train in Cannon Street station is a joy because there are so many of them falling over each other trying to win the race to the ticket machine as if the additional fifteen seconds they'd spend at work were going to put an extra hundred grand on their bonus or something.

londonrach Sun 31-Mar-19 09:09:23

Toomuch. You right. Its not want matters in life.

Op...everyone now knows what a bitch she is. She feels threatened by you

IamMoana Sun 31-Mar-19 09:11:02

Being a bar maid in a not so nice pub was one of the best times of my life. The abuse I used to get, and the sneers. I was just a student, and the customers were paying my wages. Nope, I worked (still do) for a bank and was doing the pub work on the side to further my savings. The best part was I met my husband at said bar, 10 years married and a beautiful daughter. Saw the very worst in people, but it taught me what I was worth. Let them judge you, but never judge yourself. You've got it right.

MissHemsworth Sun 31-Mar-19 09:12:02

OP I have a similar job to you (I work in hospitality though) & also have a 'friend' like yours who has made similar comments.

Now the irony is that they make these derogatory comments but simultaneously are seen to be regularly using your services. Especially over Christmas when hospitality/retail workers do all the hours to facilitate 'work do's' for people like her but at the same time it is implied it is not a proper job.

Cinnamon12345 Sun 31-Mar-19 09:15:57

I once had someone say ' how do you do your job, it must be so boring'. I've now been doing it for 36 years...

Auramigraine Sun 31-Mar-19 09:16:14

What a bitch!! She’s jealous of you for some reason and was trying to put you down to make herself feel better...... put it to the back of your mind and move on, seriously not worth your time.

After my first DC I worked on checkouts at a supermarket for a bit as it was the only thing that would work around my partners hours and brought a little extra cash in, I was 29 at the time and I remember seeing and serving people I went to school/college with who would not even say hi and pretend not to know me. It affected me for a while then I thought eff you! I’m making a living for my child and who cares what you think. The cheeky gets still had me on social media aswell so I soon sorted that out.
Rise above OP, she’s really not worth it xx

Ps. For what it’s worth I’ve worked in office jobs and checkouts and the amount of sh*t you get in retail I would honestly say it’s a bloody hard job!!

user1471426142 Sun 31-Mar-19 09:22:15

She was being mean but also in a clever way. I’d normally be one to stick up for others but I honestly don’t know what I would have said to counteract her comments without causing more embarrassment to you. This is perhaps why others didn’t jump in.

The world would be a happier place if everyone was forced to do a retail job. There are such arses around that treat people in low paid work like crap.

flumpybear Sun 31-Mar-19 09:27:07

What a cow!
I'm with those who said she's jealous either if you if perhaps she's got the hots for your husband

Everyone there would have thought she was a twat

I worked loads of jobs st uni when others didn't (I wasn't married with kids) and I remember going for my first interview after my PhD die a scientist job and the bloke who interviewed me kept asking questions about my other jobs, it was getting a bit embarrassing that kenkept on about the crappy temp office jobs I'd done and shop work ... eventually (he was a bit
Gobby as I began to realise when I worked there) he said 'what I'm asking you Flumpy is how can you possibly do these jobs whilst being in full time education 'ahh I said, well I worked holidays, lunch times at uni in that job, Sunday's in that job, weekends in the shop' .... he proceeded to tell me that he's never seen a cv before where somebody has worked so hard to get their edication and he said he 'took his hat off to my hard work' believe me thst was a big complement for him grin
Be proud you're doing your bit 😉

FairyMoppings Sun 31-Mar-19 09:31:39

Shes a snotty stuck up bitch. It's almost like she was worried her guests would unwittingly discover a lowly retail worker was eating at her table, possibly when you were talking to the other lady, so decided to interupt you, announce your occupation herself and give you her transparently insincere 'compliment' but ultimately condescending, as a way to save face and still feel like the superior one.

I would decline any further social invitations from her. She's not a nice person and therefore not good enough for you to waste your time on.

Hyacintharehighersincelasttime Sun 31-Mar-19 09:35:28

But she said it was impressive, perhaps you misread her op?
would you take offence if you were a nurse for example, and had to leave because you had an early start?
perhaps you are looking to be offended, feel ashamed.

MulticolourMophead Sun 31-Mar-19 09:55:57

@Hyacintharehighersincelasttime OP says the tone of voice was patronizing, and given the whole set of comments, I wouldn't be thinking OP misheard, especially given the comment about wives sitting on their fat arses.

Yabbers Sun 31-Mar-19 10:06:49

But she said it was impressive, perhaps you misread her op?
I think it’s impressive how you can read this thread and still think the woman wasn’t being very rude. It takes quite a lot of effort to ignore what is right in front of your face. Well done!

Hyacintharehighersincelasttime Sun 31-Mar-19 10:12:05

be proud of your job op. dont put yourself down or your job.
what does your dh make of it?
did other people think she was rude or genuinely impressed with you?

Frazzled2207 Sun 31-Mar-19 19:42:18

She was def an arse. Sorry.

BerrowHarm Sun 31-Mar-19 20:04:45

She’ll be calling up asking to use your staff discount to buy a big-ticket item, and expect you to pay for it in advance and lug it round to her house!

BerrowHarm Sun 31-Mar-19 20:05:11

In which case tell her to sod off!

Whatthefoxgoingon Sun 31-Mar-19 20:08:50

Ah yes.

We’ve all met one of these ridiculous people whose own sense of worth is wholly dependent on their bank balance and putting others down. Pity them.

PuppyMonkey Sun 31-Mar-19 20:16:23

Not sure how you can “misread” someone who says it’s impressive you go and work in a shop rather than stay at home sitting on your fat arse. Am I missing some subtle subtext? grin

dangerrabbit Sun 31-Mar-19 20:22:22

What I would do in that situation is smile and say “thank you!” While staring her right in the eyes a little too long with a death stare.

KC225 Sun 31-Mar-19 20:47:42

At university and briefly dating a guy who invited me to a posh works dinner. I was also working on a make up counter part time. A girl opposite sniggered and said 'well I suppose some has to' Loud enough for everyone to hear. Then the bosses wife a booming Margaret Thatcher type, said 'You work on a make up counter is that right?' I was cringing, then she said 'Fantastic, finally someone to teach me how to do a smokey eye, I desperate to learn'. She made a big fuss of me and I have never forgotten how she swooped down and saved me from humiliation.

It does sound like the woman was making a passive aggressive dig. Some people can't cope with the attention elsewhere.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc Sun 31-Mar-19 20:55:11

OP you should have said "yes I do work in a shop but unfortunately you wont be able to shop there as they dont serve Cunts"

MrHaroldFry Sun 31-Mar-19 21:00:31

She is an utter arse.
I always remember what Michele Obama said when this sort of nonsense happens to me "When they go low, we go high"
Your sweet revenge will be when you qualify and have a sh1t hot job!

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