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To really dislike my ex-husband?

(16 Posts)
Ella1980 Sat 30-Mar-19 17:03:32

I've been separated five years after leaving an emotionally abusive and controlling ex-husband. He was awarded 50:50 custody as the abuse wasn't physical and therefore wasn't recognised.

The Court Arrangement states that as it's Mother's Day I have the kids from 9-5 tomorrow.

Eldest son (11) has said he'd like to do my breakfast in bed with his younger brother (8). My fiance who I have lived with for 2.5 years now offered to collect them from their dad's and bring them home so this would be possible.

Ex has said no, he won't release them to him-I have to be present in the car too. Not sure of excuse this year. Last year it was because fiance was (I kid you not) a "stranger".

AIBU to feel absolutely bloody furious that my ex is still allowed to control like this? How the HELL was/is this in best interests of the children?

Once again I feel in a very dark place and wish the abuse would stop.

Chocolateisfab Sat 30-Mar-19 17:08:54

Ime your ex has no right to refuse your dp collecting the dc.
My exh used to refuse to drop off if I wasn't in.
See a solicitor. This will get worse, ime.

FamilyOhNo Sat 30-Mar-19 17:11:50

I totally understand how you feel. I have a similar situation.

But my advice is to make an event from it for the kids. Go in the car in your PJ and duvet pillow cuddly toy etc.. they’ll not be expecting that .... and in years to come they’ll remember you coming to pick them up .. and when you get home you go straight to bed again and they can deliver you breakfast in bed.

Make the most of what you have and don’t give the ex head space !!!!

He’ll get bored eventually.....

WeirdCatLady Sat 30-Mar-19 17:14:51

I think FamilyOhNo has it spot on. He WANTS to upset you, he WANTS to have space in your head. So don’t let him. Laugh at how ridiculous he is. PJs all the way, then home and enjoy your boys and your day.

Ella1980 Sat 30-Mar-19 17:15:14

He's probably going to try the "Your fiance is a potential paedo" line again, quite possibly in front of the kids 🙈 Love the pj's suggestion, thank you! Feeling very down indeed. How is he allowed to get away with this time and time again?

OhioOhioOhio Sat 30-Mar-19 17:17:13

I don't know but you have my sympathy. When do they get bored?

EL8888 Sat 30-Mar-19 17:19:19

Totally understandable -my ex husband is a dick as well. Your children will soon work out what he’s like. Let him play his little games 🙄. Loving other people’s suggestions with the pj’s and then the breakfast in bed. Totally do that!!! Have a lovely mother’s day

mummmy2017 Sat 30-Mar-19 17:21:38

Buy the children new PJ's as well. Let them use them all day, my kids loved that

Whatififall Sat 30-Mar-19 17:28:03

You have my sympathy, my exh is similar, I keep remind myself there’s only 10 more years until DD is 18!

There’s some good ideas here though. Definitely go to pick up in your pjs, with a blanket, then home for breakfast in bed. I’d get the DC new pjs too - or at least wash their favourites if money is tight - for them to put on and have a pj morning when you get home.

Chocolateisfab Sat 30-Mar-19 17:28:48

Next time they need collected tell exh unfortunately you cannot get there until hours after collection time as you have d&v. Inconvenience him. Then offer dp collecting as a solution.... Bet he changes his tune.

Ella1980 Sat 30-Mar-19 21:08:27

Thanks all. The abuse never stops, he's taken me to court so many times. As crazy as it sounds his control makes me feel so unwell that at times I wonder if it's best to just let him have full custody. Tbh I don't feel like much of a mother anyway having them only for half of the time.

Chocolateisfab Sat 30-Mar-19 21:14:13

My exh tried for years to grind me down. I had ptsd and anorexia. Persevered, also like you being a dm held no pleasure.
Fast forward to pre teens and ds's went nc.
With df.
Worth the wait op I assure you.
Make a promise to yourself that you will never leave your dc 100% at the mercy of such a twat.
A tale of good overcoming evil ime.

Ella1980 Sat 30-Mar-19 21:19:20

@Chocolateisfab Thank you. So sorry to hear you had to go through all of this, it's so unfair.

I don't really feel like a mum any more and know that as long as the boys are in my life so will he be. Yes they may come back to me one day but it will be too late. I just wonder of it's best for everyone to let them go?

Biggest regret ever is that I didn't stay until he hit me. Perhaps then things would have been better.

FamilyOhNo Sun 31-Mar-19 08:49:56

Happy Mother’s Day

I know it’s hard quite a lot of the time ..... but it does get easier. Always try to turn a horrid situation into something positive.

Thinking of you and hope you have a fabulous time with the kids flowers

Weenurse Sun 31-Mar-19 08:54:27

Love the PJs and quilt idea.

OhioOhioOhio Sun 31-Mar-19 08:58:51

Read up about Lundy Bancroft. He will keep you strong.

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