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Advice needed

(48 Posts)
missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 12:24:59

Put this on what would you do but reposting here for traffic.

Ok I’m serious need of advice.

DH and I split 3 years’s been horrible at times, ok at others and downright nasty at other times.

We have arrangements through lawyers of him seeing the children and through his own arrangements he sees the children for 47.5 hours over a 2 week period. His choice and I have never said he can’t see them - In fact I asked for more time with him and he refused.

Few months ago I got a text from exSIL saying “as you know I’m getting married etc” I had no idea and the date she’s getting married on we already have a family communion (my brothers DD) have already bought both DS1 and DS2 suits, children’s entertainment organised, meals preordered etc. She has also already asked DS1 to be a Page boy, again no communication to me. Said I wasn’t happy about it as I’m sure exh has known this date for a long time, it isn’t his weekend and he should have told me long before now however I know a wedding trumps a communion so they’ll be going to that.

Now the plans they want is to pick the children up the morning of the wedding...and make arrangements to get them back to me after the first dance...well after 8pm. DS1 is 6 and DS2 is 3. This is all through exSIL btw I have told her I will only make arrangements with their father as he is responsible for them and she wasn’t happy with that.

AIBU in thinking that if you want the children at your sisters wedding then it’s only right that you are responsible for them the full day and night and not ship them back to me when they’re tired/ grumpy so you can go back and get pissed with the nighttime guests? No other children are getting sent away after the first dance only mine.

What would you do?

My choices are...
1.Go with what they want and get 2 no doubt sleeping boys home and cut my own arrangements/ plans short (that’s if they’re even willing to drop them off I don’t know yet, they might be expecting me to pick them up, 30 minute drive away


2.Insist that if they’re going they go for the full day and night and if they’re not willing to do that then say they don’t go and they come to me to the communion as planned with a magician, bouncy castle, meal and family party after.

If it matters the “after party “ for the communion is 2 streets away where I will walk home when the boys are ready for their bed. I won’t be drinking on the day as I’m responsible for my children.

Nuyearnume Sat 30-Mar-19 14:34:12

Which one would you children rather go to and have more fun at? If your boys would like to go for a while to both is that possible or too far apart?

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 14:35:53

Lol, that sounds like a pretty good deal to me! 😂😂

That’s a great attitude to have toward the situation! I don’t need to wish you luck because your decision is made! 😉

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 14:38:25

They're too far apart @Nuyearnume and the timings wouldn't work.

I haven't said anything to either DS yet about it. My gut tells me they would want to go to communion where the magician, bouncy castle and family party after at DBs house with the playroom and trampoline etc outside rather than a fancy hotel...there will be other children to play with there but I don't think there's any entertainment for kids I could be wrong though.

Jackshouse Sat 30-Mar-19 14:38:40

You have had some great advice and the two choices you have given him are more than reasonable.

warriorprincessandwidowed Sat 30-Mar-19 14:47:46

A wedding does not trump a communion

FizzyGreenWater Sat 30-Mar-19 14:52:35

Wow, absolutely it would be a weekend swap or nothing from me.

Especially given his utter lack of communication and regard for you.

Two fat fucking fingers to that!!!

Do make sure you reply to the carefully constructed text with 'Dear ExMil/Fil, thanks for your reply...'


Littleduckeggblue Sat 30-Mar-19 14:53:21

When is the wedding? How much notice have they given you?

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 14:53:47

Thanks @Jackshouse

I maybe didn't phrase it right @warriorprincessandwidowed I'm not taking away the importance of a communion I just meant that a wedding is maybe seen as a bigger "deal" to some if that makes sense.

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 14:59:39

@FizzyGreenWater you have no idea how many text responses I have started with that but just never pressed send!! 😂😂😂

@Littleduckeggblue its next month. The notice isn't the be all and end all although he text me at the start of the year about plans for summer etc so I would have thought a big day like that he would have mentioned also. Like I said for the communion there's a magician that makes things and goody bags for all the children - my two have already been included in that and paid for as it was booked before I knew of the wedding and their meals are already prepaid as well again a cost to my DB and his DP if they're not going to be there potentially. We have another family wedding later on in the year so I can use the suits I've bought for that. I was going to do kilts for that wedding but I don't want these suits going to waste. It's just the proposed arrangements of child care around the wedding that I not happy with at the moment

Homemadearmy Sat 30-Mar-19 15:08:08

Bearing in mind that he hasn't mentioned it to you, I would say he doesn't want them there and hasn't told his sister that he hasn't invited them. I can imagine that he was being illusive and she decided to mention it to you incase he hadn't. It sounds like she wants them there, but their dad doesn't

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 15:09:49

Because he doesn’t want them there, cramping his style.

You probably wouldn’t have known about it if SIL hadn’t messaged you. I’ll bet he was planning on telling her that you wouldn’t allow it.

I’d text her actually and say “just wanted to let you know that I’ve texted Dick For Brains and said they can attend but it’ll have to be until Sunday. Should I let you know what he decides or do you want to speak to him? Hope your day goes well.”


bluegreygreen Sat 30-Mar-19 15:17:24

But are a 6 and 3 yr old realistically going to want to be at a wedding for longer than the first dance? It's a long day for young children.

Is this just to make a point?

If so, you might be better to say 'Sorry, they have a prior engagement' and get on with what you'd planned originally.

FoofFighter Sat 30-Mar-19 15:18:37

Does ex SIL know that this was the first you knew of it? What did she say to that?

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 15:19:18

My DB has my DS1 at his first football game today and I'm lying next to DS2 in my bed while he naps before we go out tonight and I have tears dropping down my cheeks. You're right the higher chance is that he doesn't want them there for the full day. How could they not be wanted they're great kids. Yes they're as demanding as a 6 year old and 3 year old are but they're great boys and I'm super proud to be their mum.

When exSIL first text she said she was making the arrangements as it was her day, when I said I would rather converse with their father about it and was surprised I hadn't heard from him she again repeated that she was making the arrangements and not to blame him. I never blamed I just said I wanted to speak to him directly as he is responsible for the children and a three way conversation was impractical. We're perfectly capable of texting other arrangements and going to parents evenings together so why not make your own arrangements for your own children and I would have liked to have thought to jump at the chance of spending more time with them and an extra overnight. Obviously not.

jacks11 Sat 30-Mar-19 15:23:12

I think it is perfectly reasonable to say that your DS's can attend, even though it is your weekend and you had something else planned, but that your ex-husband has to take them for that day and night as you have an event that you plan to attend. If your ex-H can't look after them for the night of the wedding, then they will come to the communion with you.

The only other way would be if they dropped them off with you after 8PM and you were happy to miss the evening celebrations of the communion. But I don't think you should have to run around dropping your DS's off and collecting them again in the evening.

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 15:25:16

Don’t waste your tears on the selfish fucker, OP.

Your kids will be old enough to form their own opinions one day and they’ll know who was interested in them and who wasn’t. flowers

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 15:25:28

@bluegreygreen it's a long day indeed I don't know what time the ceremony is I'm assuming the usual 2/3pm. So they could have a sleep before they go if he was well planned enough. I just don't like the proposed arrangements of well keep them till when they're grumpy/ tired then we're having nothing more to do with them that's what's got my back up. I have never dropped them off after a family do late on in the evening and went back to enjoy my night. They're my responsibility and my night is planned accordingly to them.

@FoofFighter when she originally text and I responded saying I had no idea her next text started with "sorry about that" but I have no clue if he was supposed to have told me or not.

I genuinely don't have any issue with exSIL it's the lack of contact and by looks of it responsibility from their father is my issue.

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 15:28:24

I think it is perfectly reasonable to say that your DS's can attend, even though it is your weekend and you had something else planned, but that your ex-husband has to take them for that day and night as you have an event that you plan to attend. If your ex-H can't look after them for the night of the wedding, then they will come to the communion with you.

^^this is exactly what I will suggest and say as this is my line of thought.

Thanks @IvanaPee 😊

Morgan12 Sat 30-Mar-19 15:50:13

What a CF!

I can't wait to see what bullshit response ex PIL send you.

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 16:14:19

No problem @missmartini

Have a lovely mother’s Day tomorrow with your boys, and don’t get dragged into any petty shit by him flowers

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 17:25:12

Thank you all. No reply as yet I can just imagine the discussion of the reply on the family WhatsApp group 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

Will update when I get anything back!

Morgan12 Sun 31-Mar-19 12:26:02

Still no reply?

missmartini Sun 31-Mar-19 14:42:58

@Morgan12 nope nothing yet. It's the classic control thing - he said he would text at the weekend so will ignore my message until the last bitter bit of "the weekend" and then give me his reply....typed by exFIL/ exMIL of course!

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