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Advice needed

(48 Posts)
missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 12:24:59

Put this on what would you do but reposting here for traffic.

Ok I’m serious need of advice.

DH and I split 3 years ago...it’s been horrible at times, ok at others and downright nasty at other times.

We have arrangements through lawyers of him seeing the children and through his own arrangements he sees the children for 47.5 hours over a 2 week period. His choice and I have never said he can’t see them - In fact I asked for more time with him and he refused.

Few months ago I got a text from exSIL saying “as you know I’m getting married etc” I had no idea and the date she’s getting married on we already have a family communion (my brothers DD) have already bought both DS1 and DS2 suits, children’s entertainment organised, meals preordered etc. She has also already asked DS1 to be a Page boy, again no communication to me. Said I wasn’t happy about it as I’m sure exh has known this date for a long time, it isn’t his weekend and he should have told me long before now however I know a wedding trumps a communion so they’ll be going to that.

Now the plans they want is to pick the children up the morning of the wedding...and make arrangements to get them back to me after the first dance...well after 8pm. DS1 is 6 and DS2 is 3. This is all through exSIL btw I have told her I will only make arrangements with their father as he is responsible for them and she wasn’t happy with that.

AIBU in thinking that if you want the children at your sisters wedding then it’s only right that you are responsible for them the full day and night and not ship them back to me when they’re tired/ grumpy so you can go back and get pissed with the nighttime guests? No other children are getting sent away after the first dance only mine.

What would you do?

My choices are...
1.Go with what they want and get 2 no doubt sleeping boys home and cut my own arrangements/ plans short (that’s if they’re even willing to drop them off I don’t know yet, they might be expecting me to pick them up, 30 minute drive away

Or

2.Insist that if they’re going they go for the full day and night and if they’re not willing to do that then say they don’t go and they come to me to the communion as planned with a magician, bouncy castle, meal and family party after.

If it matters the “after party “ for the communion is 2 streets away where I will walk home when the boys are ready for their bed. I won’t be drinking on the day as I’m responsible for my children.

steff13 Sat 30-Mar-19 12:29:43

I'd say he either swaps weekends and keeps them the whole time, or you keep them and take them to the christening as planned.

Nearlythere1 Sat 30-Mar-19 12:37:18

Take them to the communion. It's your weekend anyway, it was already planned, and it sound much more suitable and fun for the kids anyway.

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 12:40:04

He either swaps weekends or he doesn’t. And if he swaps weekends he has them for the whole weekend. That would be my view.

But only because yours are the only children being sent away! Wtf is that about?

steff13 Sat 30-Mar-19 12:40:20

Oops, communion, sorry. 😮

RedHelenB Sat 30-Mar-19 12:44:06

I would go with what SIL wants, she's only getting married once and she wants her nephews there.

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 12:45:15

Thanks everyone. I wouldn't be able to swap weekends before or after due to plans we have already made planning in advance of the boys not being there and both not suitable for kids. I might suggest another swap further down the line. I just feel as if I'm getting used as a babysitter regardless of the plans we had in place.

There will be lots of other children there including my exSIL own child who again I highly doubt will be getting sent away after the first dance like mine are.

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 12:48:24

@RedHelenB I appreciate that point of view, it's her second wedding. I don't have an issue with what exSIL wants it's the fact that their father isn't looking as if he is willing to step up to be responsible for his children the full day and night as I need to when I have a wedding or family party when the children are there, I don't have the option to send them anywhere when i want to enjoy the rest of my night.

However I also know I'm being over emotionally involved and potentially dramatic

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 12:49:04

Hmm. I think that changes things a bit for me.

If you can’t offer a swap then you need to decide if you’re willing to let SIL have them for one of the days. And in the circumstances, I would. Because it’s her wedding.

Are they being sent back to you because it’s your weekend? I’m confused!

steff13 Sat 30-Mar-19 12:50:16

Even if you can't swap, it won't kill him to have his own kids two weekends in a row. He can take them for the wedding and return them the next day, or not take them at all.

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 12:57:15

Sorry @IvanaPee

It would be my weekend and we have the communion plans. I've only recently found out about this wedding...again all through exSIL no contact through exDH which I find bizarre but maybe just me.

It just appears to me that they want them to show them off and then when the going it getting tough at that point it's a case of bring them back to me to deal with. All their cousins and aunts/ uncle who they don't see very often will be there and not leaving when they are. I was MOH for a friend before Christmas and was there with the boys. At around 9:30 they were getting shattered so I took them up to the hotel room to sleep where I stayed with them the rest of the night, I don't see an issue with this. I think this is what a responsible parent does. If I had to have asked him if I could bring them back and then got the night to myself the answer would have been a resounding no.

If it makes a difference ex SIL only occasionally sees them when exDH has them. She never sees them individually or makes plans with them outside of any arrangements, I was surprised when she said about DS1 being page boy cause she barely sees him.

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 12:58:20

@steff13 that's where I am with it that an extra weekend isn't going to be an issue or shouldn't be to spend more time with your children but I don't know if I'm being over sensitive

Nearlythere1 Sat 30-Mar-19 13:14:41

OP that's another thing i was going to say. They just want the kids there fore the photo ops and playing the part, not for any love of having them there themselves. I have relatives like this. Honestly I just would stick to your own plans. It sounds like you and your kids are being used.

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 13:19:25

I don’t think that makes a difference, no.

I have nieces and nephews that I see only when I see their parents. I don’t make any special plans to take them out. There are too many for a start, and I have my own dc.

It doesnt mean I don’t love them and I wouldn’t want them there at my wedding!

I don’t think you can view her wanting them in the wedding as a negative. A lot of people want small children there for the photos because they don’t add anything to the occasion apart from looking cute! I wouldn’t read more into that than necessary.

I guess what it comes down to is whether you’re willing to let him have them till 8pm or not. That’s really all there is to it. You can’t control ex’s behaviour and decisions, only your own.

So if you’re not happy to do it (and that’s fine) then just say no and don’t sweat it any further!

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 13:24:35

Thanks @IvanaPee I guess I'm just used to how my DB and family are with the boys. They have sleepovers with my DB during school holidays, he works shifts and when he can will always offer at least a few times a month to pick DS1 from school and then DS2 from nursery to see them and spend time with them. I know though that this is representative of "love" and I don't doubt that she doesn't love them and wants them at her day which I'm happy for them to go with I just want the children to be priority (for their father) when it comes to looking after them that day/ night and not until it suits him.

Thanks @Nearlythere1

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 13:33:06

I can understand that but unfortunately it doesn’t look like that’s what you’re going to get!

That being said, you would be WELL within your rights to say

“I’m more than happy for them to attend the wedding. However, we had a family event and I wasn’t planning on returning home that night. So if dad can’t keep them overnight he’ll have to make arrangements as I won’t be available.”

That seems a fair compromise!

GreenTulips Sat 30-Mar-19 13:40:18

I think there DH doesn’t want them there, because he won’t be able to drink and party! Hence SIL doing the asking!

Have you spoke to Ex about what his plans are to look after the children, because you have plans to stay on at the communion!

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 13:42:03

Thanks again @IvanaPee for you level headed response. I really do appreciate it.

I guess I just get easily wound up when it comes to these types of things. I plan family get togethers/ wedding/ any big event around the boys meaning I'm prepared to leave when they are. We have an engagement party tonight, they'll go for a nap around 2ish (as will I lol) and then I'll drive to the venue and hope they last the pace. If not then it's not an issue to put them in the car and drive home and put them to bed I just see it as what you do when you have kids this age as they're my priority, I get upset when I don't see that from the other side as well.

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 13:46:55

@GreenTulips I said to exSIL I would make arrangements with him, she wasn't happy about that but at the end of the day I want to make arrangements with their father as he will be responsible for them on the day, not her and I don't in anyway expect her to be, she'll be having the time of her life and rightfully so!

I've text him my thoughts which is what I've put here about I assumed it would be the day and night as no other children are leaving etc I've yet to get a reply. Normally when I have any conversation that's going to be potentially problematic I get replies that have clearly been written by his parents. Laughably so tbh so that's what I'm expecting at some point.

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 13:47:01

That’s understandable and does you credit. You’re a good mum and they’re lucky to have you.

Their dad isn’t stepping up in the same way, and that’s bound to make you upset and angry but the only thing you can do is try to find a way to not let it bother you (way easier said than done, I know!) because he might never change and he doesn’t deserve the headspace you’re giving him!

flowers though, I know it’s super annoying!

AnnieOH1 Sat 30-Mar-19 13:48:30

Honestly I would be going to the communion with them and sod your ex in laws. It doesn't sound like your former sister in law is interested really or you would have known about the wedding sooner. If your kids had been older or you had been invited too, or their dad had just got in gear and sorted it then fair enough.

Additionally I would say the communion is more important than anyway but maybe that's me.

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 13:49:09

Normally when I have any conversation that's going to be potentially problematic I get replies that have clearly been written by his parents.

What a loser! Getting mummy and daddy to write his responses!

I honestly would say: look you can have them for the wedding but it needs to be until Sunday morning as I’m not around until Sunday at 11.30. (For example.)

He’ll either make appropriate arrangements or you’ll take them to the communion smile

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 14:20:57

Thanks everyone. I get myself in such a mess sometimes when it comes to these situations and I'm always made to feel like I'm being out of order.

At the end of the day I don't have an issue with them going, what I want is that if they are going they're included in the full day/ night as any other children that will be there and that they are looked after responsibly for the duration, I don't think I'm asking too much for their father to watch them at his family wedding but will see what the reply I get says when I eventually get one.

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 14:25:12

You don’t have to change your Mind based on his reply.

That’s your decision, those are the terms. He has a perfectly valid choice before him; bring them or don’t. His decision is not your responsibility.

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 14:28:12

You're right @IvanaPee (can you literally be my life sorter please?! I'll pay you in chocolate, Prosecco and a Friday night Chinese take away! 😂😂😂)

That's what I'm sticking to and me and the boys will have a great day at the communion if they're not wanted at the wedding for the full time.

Nuyearnume Sat 30-Mar-19 14:34:12

Which one would you children rather go to and have more fun at? If your boys would like to go for a while to both is that possible or too far apart?

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 14:35:53

Lol, that sounds like a pretty good deal to me! 😂😂

That’s a great attitude to have toward the situation! I don’t need to wish you luck because your decision is made! 😉

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 14:38:25

They're too far apart @Nuyearnume and the timings wouldn't work.

I haven't said anything to either DS yet about it. My gut tells me they would want to go to communion where the magician, bouncy castle and family party after at DBs house with the playroom and trampoline etc outside rather than a fancy hotel...there will be other children to play with there but I don't think there's any entertainment for kids I could be wrong though.

Jackshouse Sat 30-Mar-19 14:38:40

You have had some great advice and the two choices you have given him are more than reasonable.

warriorprincessandwidowed Sat 30-Mar-19 14:47:46

A wedding does not trump a communion

FizzyGreenWater Sat 30-Mar-19 14:52:35

Wow, absolutely it would be a weekend swap or nothing from me.

Especially given his utter lack of communication and regard for you.

Two fat fucking fingers to that!!!

Do make sure you reply to the carefully constructed text with 'Dear ExMil/Fil, thanks for your reply...'

grin

Littleduckeggblue Sat 30-Mar-19 14:53:21

When is the wedding? How much notice have they given you?

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 14:53:47

Thanks @Jackshouse

I maybe didn't phrase it right @warriorprincessandwidowed I'm not taking away the importance of a communion I just meant that a wedding is maybe seen as a bigger "deal" to some if that makes sense.

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 14:59:39

@FizzyGreenWater you have no idea how many text responses I have started with that but just never pressed send!! 😂😂😂

@Littleduckeggblue its next month. The notice isn't the be all and end all although he text me at the start of the year about plans for summer etc so I would have thought a big day like that he would have mentioned also. Like I said for the communion there's a magician that makes things and goody bags for all the children - my two have already been included in that and paid for as it was booked before I knew of the wedding and their meals are already prepaid as well again a cost to my DB and his DP if they're not going to be there potentially. We have another family wedding later on in the year so I can use the suits I've bought for that. I was going to do kilts for that wedding but I don't want these suits going to waste. It's just the proposed arrangements of child care around the wedding that I not happy with at the moment

Homemadearmy Sat 30-Mar-19 15:08:08

Bearing in mind that he hasn't mentioned it to you, I would say he doesn't want them there and hasn't told his sister that he hasn't invited them. I can imagine that he was being illusive and she decided to mention it to you incase he hadn't. It sounds like she wants them there, but their dad doesn't

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 15:09:49

Because he doesn’t want them there, cramping his style.

You probably wouldn’t have known about it if SIL hadn’t messaged you. I’ll bet he was planning on telling her that you wouldn’t allow it.

I’d text her actually and say “just wanted to let you know that I’ve texted Dick For Brains and said they can attend but it’ll have to be until Sunday. Should I let you know what he decides or do you want to speak to him? Hope your day goes well.”

😉

bluegreygreen Sat 30-Mar-19 15:17:24

But are a 6 and 3 yr old realistically going to want to be at a wedding for longer than the first dance? It's a long day for young children.

Is this just to make a point?

If so, you might be better to say 'Sorry, they have a prior engagement' and get on with what you'd planned originally.

FoofFighter Sat 30-Mar-19 15:18:37

Does ex SIL know that this was the first you knew of it? What did she say to that?

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 15:19:18

My DB has my DS1 at his first football game today and I'm lying next to DS2 in my bed while he naps before we go out tonight and I have tears dropping down my cheeks. You're right the higher chance is that he doesn't want them there for the full day. How could they not be wanted they're great kids. Yes they're as demanding as a 6 year old and 3 year old are but they're great boys and I'm super proud to be their mum.

When exSIL first text she said she was making the arrangements as it was her day, when I said I would rather converse with their father about it and was surprised I hadn't heard from him she again repeated that she was making the arrangements and not to blame him. I never blamed I just said I wanted to speak to him directly as he is responsible for the children and a three way conversation was impractical. We're perfectly capable of texting other arrangements and going to parents evenings together so why not make your own arrangements for your own children and I would have liked to have thought to jump at the chance of spending more time with them and an extra overnight. Obviously not.

jacks11 Sat 30-Mar-19 15:23:12

I think it is perfectly reasonable to say that your DS's can attend, even though it is your weekend and you had something else planned, but that your ex-husband has to take them for that day and night as you have an event that you plan to attend. If your ex-H can't look after them for the night of the wedding, then they will come to the communion with you.

The only other way would be if they dropped them off with you after 8PM and you were happy to miss the evening celebrations of the communion. But I don't think you should have to run around dropping your DS's off and collecting them again in the evening.

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 15:25:16

Don’t waste your tears on the selfish fucker, OP.

Your kids will be old enough to form their own opinions one day and they’ll know who was interested in them and who wasn’t. flowers

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 15:25:28

@bluegreygreen it's a long day indeed I don't know what time the ceremony is I'm assuming the usual 2/3pm. So they could have a sleep before they go if he was well planned enough. I just don't like the proposed arrangements of well keep them till when they're grumpy/ tired then we're having nothing more to do with them that's what's got my back up. I have never dropped them off after a family do late on in the evening and went back to enjoy my night. They're my responsibility and my night is planned accordingly to them.

@FoofFighter when she originally text and I responded saying I had no idea her next text started with "sorry about that" but I have no clue if he was supposed to have told me or not.

I genuinely don't have any issue with exSIL it's the lack of contact and by looks of it responsibility from their father is my issue.

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 15:28:24

I think it is perfectly reasonable to say that your DS's can attend, even though it is your weekend and you had something else planned, but that your ex-husband has to take them for that day and night as you have an event that you plan to attend. If your ex-H can't look after them for the night of the wedding, then they will come to the communion with you.

^^this is exactly what I will suggest and say as this is my line of thought.

Thanks @IvanaPee 😊

Morgan12 Sat 30-Mar-19 15:50:13

What a CF!

I can't wait to see what bullshit response ex PIL send you.

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 16:14:19

No problem @missmartini

Have a lovely mother’s Day tomorrow with your boys, and don’t get dragged into any petty shit by him flowers

missmartini Sat 30-Mar-19 17:25:12

Thank you all. No reply as yet I can just imagine the discussion of the reply on the family WhatsApp group 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

Will update when I get anything back!

Morgan12 Sun 31-Mar-19 12:26:02

Still no reply?

missmartini Sun 31-Mar-19 14:42:58

@Morgan12 nope nothing yet. It's the classic control thing - he said he would text at the weekend so will ignore my message until the last bitter bit of "the weekend" and then give me his reply....typed by exFIL/ exMIL of course!

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