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Would you let your child sleep over at this persons house? [Trigger warning added by MNHQ: mentions of child abuse]

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MNHQ have commented on this thread.

GunpowderGelatine Sat 30-Mar-19 08:35:42

Say you have a very close family member who is knowingly married to a peadophile. He has never been arrested, charged or convicted but only because his victim has never gone to the police, but the wife is aware of the accusations and you are 100% certain they're true.

Say your DD (6) has purposefully never met this man for this reason, but the wife visits from time to time but she has never looked after your DD alone.

If the wife - who again is very closely related to you - of the accused paedophile asked if she could have your DD overnight where she's staying nearby, what would you say? You don't suspect this woman of abuse yourself and and she is staying at another family members nearby, which is where the sleepover would happen? And, wether your answer is yes or no, what is the reason?

I ask because I am in this situation and without giving details (though I've posted before about this man) I need to know if I'm making the right decision in what I've decided about the sleepover

bubbaba Wed 17-Apr-19 17:37:42

Ah sorry I've read a lot of the posts but there were so many, I've only just seen your other post about the abuse. So Sorry to hear all the things you went through and still are.
Glad to read the step grandad has never met your kids and I didn't write it but I was scared she might FaceTime him or something. To stay with someone who hurt your own flesh and blood is beyond belief IMO.

bubbaba Wed 17-Apr-19 17:25:14

Absolutely not.
Even if he won't be there How do you know she hasn't been brain washed by him? She married him, presumably loves him and that could mean she's willing to do anything.

AhhhHereItGoes Mon 01-Apr-19 20:52:39

You did the right thing.

No way would I. Clearly she has no boundaries, is easily manipulated and doesn't known how serious her partners behaviour is - not qualities I'd want in a babysitter.

LonelyMouse Mon 01-Apr-19 16:29:59

I had a wobbly voice and fluffed my words a bit but told what kind of mother would I be if I let my daughter stay overnight with someone who knowingly sleeps with a pedophile. She got a bit wobbly and dramatically wiped a few tears away saying "I suppose I understand" Her saying she understands your reasons makes me think she knows more about what he is like then she lets on.

OP Don't feel like you are being pushed into going to the police but I really hope that one day with support you are able to report him.
It would be great if in the future we see a post from you saying that you've been able to do it and he's been charged.

Good luck OP and well done for the steps you have taken so far.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom Mon 01-Apr-19 14:40:36

Well don gun!

I'm very sorry because this must be incredibly painful for you but I'm so glad because your life and your emotional well being and the kids will be so much improved once your out the other side of this and your new boundaries are cemented in place.

The issue I see for future will be the children as they see will need to know something so they understand why they are to have no unsupervised contact because you don't want to be in a situation when they are old enough to visit on their own but not tell you because they don't understand the danger. Now obviously it's entirely your decision if you want to disclose your history to them one day as that is your past and it's your choice who you tell but they will probably need to be told something.

I personally haven't hidden my history from my s/children but they were old enough and I was careful how I framed what I told them and haven't been graphic about details (as that's unnecessary) normally it was information as part of a wider discussion on keeping yourself safe in the world etc type of conversation rather than I just told them my story if that makes sense. We as a family didn't have the extra worry of the perpetrator still being within the family so it's not quite the same situation as yours obviously.

I wish you the best of luck gun, really well done on taking your life back. You deserve to be happy and safe and hopefully this is what will happen for you from now on.

TougheningUp Mon 01-Apr-19 11:33:58

I am so glad that you are being so strong and resilient, OP. I've read one of your other threads and my heart breaks for you, but you are definitely doing the right thing. I have said this before, and I'll say it again: I know from horrible personal experience that even supervised contact will not keep your children safe when dealing with an abuser and/or an enabler, so it's imperative you continue with your boundaries, and don't let your mother have time alone with your children, at any point. She is not to be trusted either. I've chosen to cut contact completely with my abusive parents, and I wish I'd done it years before. It's been a tremendous relief not to have to cope with their dramas and spite. Keep on protecting your child, you're brilliant.

Angelicinnocent Mon 01-Apr-19 11:10:13

Well done OP. Stay strong and go do something nice with your DD today, somewhere that she can't join you.

MumThatIsMe Mon 01-Apr-19 10:59:16

I haven't read all the posts on this thread but I just had to reply.

I've been through something similar, but thankfully it wasn't a relative but we grew up together and she was like a sister to me. She lived abroad for a period of time and got married before returning to the UK. I didn't know that her husband was a convicted pedophile. He was known by interpol by being involved in a pedophile ring across the world, but for some reason he was given anonymity. Being oblivious to his past, we were very close, staying over night and went on holidays together. During that time my DS (4) started acting out and having very weird behaviour. Then the worst of it was when he started talking and screaming in his sleep. I don't want to repeat what he was saying but it was graphic! I took him to the GP who then reported it to social services and I ended up with the police at my door talking to me about my friends husband and how dangerous he was. I was in complete shock and felt is failed my son. My friend played it down and continued to protect her husband. So i cut ties with them and haven't spoken since.

This revelation changed the way I parent. I would never let anyone have my kids overnight or be alone with them. I trust no one. I know that might be extreme, but I'll do anything to protect my kids.

I understand your predicament but stay strong, stand your ground and protect your own!!! After all your mum didn't protect you, why would she protect her grandchild?

juneau Mon 01-Apr-19 09:59:17

Well done OP - it must've been hard to totally ignore the day - knowing that she'd be sitting there expecting you to get in touch. You're preparing the ground for what comes next though and it's kinder and less hypocritical to start as you mean to go on.

ciderhouserules Mon 01-Apr-19 08:29:45

Well done OP.

And feel absolutely NO guilt - after all, she doesn't, and that is what makes her not fit for the word 'mother'.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 31-Mar-19 23:59:46

Fantastic! And I agree, the cinema trip tomorrow will have to suddenly become mightily inconvenient. You're doing a great job of standing up for yourself and your DD, and you just need to keep going now.

Remember you are only responsible for yourself and your DD - she is her own responsibility. This is down to her bad choices. Now she has to suck up the consequences, and too bloody bad if she doesn't like it.

As you are no doubt aware, this is likely to result in another health scare on her part - maybe heart again? So just watch for that and stay strong. xx

Lizzie48 Sun 31-Mar-19 23:51:20

I mean to say, it happens on so many threads. It's very annoying, of course, I do agree about that.

Lizzie48 Sun 31-Mar-19 23:49:32

@Livingoncake I don't understand why you're surprised, there are so many posters who don't read the thread.

Dotty1970 Sun 31-Mar-19 23:44:51

iolaus

In general I would say no - however what do you define paedophile as?

If we are talking he had sex with his 15 year old girlfriend when he was 20 (which I have known someone on the register for that - they were still together 10 years on, but each time they have a child it gets reported to social services because he is on the register)
However with what I imagine as peadophile (having sex with pre-pubsecent children) hell no (and to be honest even if his wife said he wasn't going to be there I wouldn't trust her)

you are a first class tw#t and a thick one at that

Dotty1970 Sun 31-Mar-19 23:41:54

Well well well well done you 👍😁😁

Livingoncake Sun 31-Mar-19 23:39:09

I’m astounded at the number of posters willing to spout off an opinion without RTFT.

YourSarcasmIsDripping Sun 31-Mar-19 23:13:01

@iolaus if you can't be arsed to RTFT , at least read OP's posts will you?

iolaus Sun 31-Mar-19 23:02:50

In general I would say no - however what do you define paedophile as?

If we are talking he had sex with his 15 year old girlfriend when he was 20 (which I have known someone on the register for that - they were still together 10 years on, but each time they have a child it gets reported to social services because he is on the register)
However with what I imagine as peadophile (having sex with pre-pubsecent children) hell no (and to be honest even if his wife said he wasn't going to be there I wouldn't trust her)

ohfourfoxache Sun 31-Mar-19 22:54:26

You are doing so bloody well thanks

Keep going, you can be free x

AnyFucker Sun 31-Mar-19 21:57:26

You can do this, op

You are doing it.

IvanaPee Sun 31-Mar-19 21:19:50

@MidnightMystery Is reading beyond your capabilities?

MidnightMystery Sun 31-Mar-19 21:17:08

No way in hell. You really need to ask?

Howzaboutye Sun 31-Mar-19 20:48:10

Yay go you
Stay strong

UrsulaPandress Sun 31-Mar-19 20:45:27

Oo go you.

Puzzledandpissedoff Sun 31-Mar-19 20:30:10

Brilliantly well done, Gunpowder; it's not easy to break away like this as I know to my cost, but break away you must - and you're doing it flowers

Well done again on pulling back from tomorrow's trip. If you really are going NC this is as good a start as any, and you'll find it gradually gets easier (though she'll almost certainly ramp up the health crisis thing)

Onwards and upwards ... you can do this!!

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