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Would you let your child sleep over at this persons house? [Trigger warning added by MNHQ: mentions of child abuse]

(423 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

GunpowderGelatine Sat 30-Mar-19 08:35:42

Say you have a very close family member who is knowingly married to a peadophile. He has never been arrested, charged or convicted but only because his victim has never gone to the police, but the wife is aware of the accusations and you are 100% certain they're true.

Say your DD (6) has purposefully never met this man for this reason, but the wife visits from time to time but she has never looked after your DD alone.

If the wife - who again is very closely related to you - of the accused paedophile asked if she could have your DD overnight where she's staying nearby, what would you say? You don't suspect this woman of abuse yourself and and she is staying at another family members nearby, which is where the sleepover would happen? And, wether your answer is yes or no, what is the reason?

I ask because I am in this situation and without giving details (though I've posted before about this man) I need to know if I'm making the right decision in what I've decided about the sleepover

AnyFucker Sat 30-Mar-19 12:26:53

Op, I remember you

Trust yourself. Tell her that after you meet with her today you are going NC.

All these games she has you play (the cinema, the constant chaperoning, her emotional blackmail of you etc) will all stop in one fell swoop. Imagine the weight off your shoulders!

Keep pushing on with your RL support to make this monster face the consequences of his actions.

Good luck flowers

HisBetterHalf Sat 30-Mar-19 12:27:38

No. If he is definitely a paedophile and she knows it then she has no morals so for that very reason it would be a no

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 12:27:48

As I said upthread, Gunpowder, I DO understand. It’s not much of a club to be a member of yet I’m a fully fledged one.

I know the dynamic. I know the fucked up web of these types of family relationships.

But I’m still telling you the cinema trip etc DON’T NEED TO HAPPEN.

Your grandad won’t give a shiny shite if your dd goes to see Dumbo. But you’ll have to endure her company, her being in your dd’s life, and it won’t benefit anyone but her!

I know NC is a huge decision and it’s a brave one. I promise you it will be easier and cleaner if you just don’t pander to these fake days out.

Around your grandad, absolutely! I was the same with my grandmother. But outside of granny’s four walls? No fucking way. I can’t tell you the relief. I was always tied in knots until I just stopped!

Scoobygang7 Sat 30-Mar-19 12:29:44

@anniehm please read the full thread. The accused is the ops stepdad who abused her and the "responsible adult" is her mum who has allowed it to happen. She is neither responsible nor to be trusted.

Teachtolive Sat 30-Mar-19 12:37:50

OP you poor thing. I wish you all the strength in the world to deal with this. And next time your mother mentions anything about taking your daughter alone I would suggest responding with "no, and you know exactly why so please stop asking." Shes trying to box you into a corner, don't let her

TheRedFox Sat 30-Mar-19 12:38:23

@GunpowderGelatine Good luck for your meeting in town.

I wanted to write to say I've been mulling this one over and the more I think about it, the stranger it gets.

- She knows you were sexually abused by her husband, as a 6yo and as a teen

- She says she believes you

- She therefore knows that her husband is a paedophile

- In spite of knowing the above, she chooses to stay with husband AND refuses to discuss this meaningfully with you.

- Knowing all of the above, she seems to insist on spending time alone with your 6yo DD. If she has any insight whatsoever (which you will have gathered I don't think she has) she would know that this is massive issue for you. Yet, she seems to try and find excuses at every opportunity to do so - in a cinema, overnight etc. I think what bothers me is that for a 6yo, sitting in a cinema and overnight stays don't constitute quality contact.

Sorry but I find her behaviour very suspicious and have a feeling that she is being manipulated by her husband as far as your daughter is concerned.

Please, for the sake of your daughter, cut off all contact (I wouldn't even leave my DC alone with her whilst I went to the loo) and report it to the police. *Don't tell her you're going to report it though.*

Again, good luck.

Itssosunny Sat 30-Mar-19 12:38:59

GunpowderGelatine, I understand you worried your mum is manipulating you into a further abuse. Remember that she knows the details of the abuse. Her reaction should have been different, very different. She doesn't deserve to be with her GD but it's possible that she is an accomplice of her husband.

MrsScamander Sat 30-Mar-19 12:39:15


Preferably "no, over my dead body"

I wouldn't trust anyone who could knowingly share their life, home, bed with a paedophile.

ferrymeoff Sat 30-Mar-19 12:41:17

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IvanaPee Sat 30-Mar-19 12:42:10

@ferrymeoff you either haven’t bothered to read the thread, or you’re a nasty cunt. Which is it?

ColdCrumpetsandButter Sat 30-Mar-19 12:42:09

I suspect you'll need to dig deep to get through the NC reveal as you'll be hit with all the emotional blackmail going.

You can do this.

3luckystars Sat 30-Mar-19 12:43:24

My child doesn't stay in anyone's house ever.

I would cut this woman off completely and never ever have my children around her or anyone to do with her.

Ivegotthree Sat 30-Mar-19 12:45:25


TheRedFox Sat 30-Mar-19 12:45:52


*Gut reaction is no, but real life is full of grey areas and nuances. Paedophilia also is a broad term eg a 24 year old man who has consensually had a relationship with a mature looking 14 year old who lied about their age is in the same category as a 40 year old who likes 6 year olds!

If the accused person isn't going to be there and there will be another trusted adult at all times it will be safe but a conversation needs to be had with the wife because she is guilty by association*

I'm sorry but there are no grey areas in the scenario set out by the OP. He is a paedophile and the "trusted person" is his wife (the OP's mother) who knows about the abuse and has chosen to stay with him. Surely someone who is "guilty by association" of being a paedophile cannot also be a "trusted person"?

And the 2 scenarios that you give are totally different, are not in the same category and would as such be treated differently by a court.

PleaseFormAQueue Sat 30-Mar-19 12:46:00

Oh my God, OP, I hope you are ok and can go NC soon flowers

Happynow001 Sat 30-Mar-19 12:47:49

I'm so sorry this has and is happening to you OP. What a tough and unhappy upbringing you have had.

Trust yourself. Tell her that after you meet with her today you are going NC.

All these games she has you play (the cinema, the constant chaperoning, her emotional blackmail of you etc) will all stop in one fell swoop. Imagine the weight off your shoulders!

Totally agree with a PPs comments above ^^. In my opinion this enabler is as bad as the abuser - and I'd be terrified she be doing some subtle grooming of my child.

She is utterly manipulative, has no shame, no conscience and no love for you and so does not deserve to have you in any way in her life.

I hope you manage to find the strength, sooner rather than later, to break all ties with her permanently.

What real life emotional support do you have OP (sorry I don't think I've read your other thread). Do you have a husband or partner you could tell who could support you? Anyone else close to you you could confide in?

Could you get some personal counselling for yourself to help you work through all you have gone through and how to manage in the future?

My thoughts and best wishes for the future. 🌹

SchadenfreudePersonified Sat 30-Mar-19 12:49:17

I'm reading this as him not being there, which is why you're even contemplating it. Still no way, not in a million years. I'd cut all contact with her, actually, never mind letting her see my child.

THIS ^ ^ ^ ^

And the reason is that she is enabling this man and may place my child at risk. I wouldn't want to risk her forming a trusting relationship with my child because that could lead anywhere.

And I would cut contact because by to doing so, I am indirectly enabling his vile behaviour.

eddielizzard Sat 30-Mar-19 12:49:31

You're doing absolutely the right thing. Your mum is incredibly manipulative, asking you in front of everyone trying to force you to say yes. Fuck her. Fuck that.

You're right to protect your grandad who would be heartbroken. He doesn't need this. But your mum is using your kindness towards your grandad to get her own way and it's good to be prepared to block her quite rudely to stop her. She's counting on the fact that you'll be polite. You don't owe her anything.

After this, NC. She might not actually abuse your DD, but she's complicit.

So sorry that you have to deal with this, and I hope you find peace with it. flowers

BlueSaphire Sat 30-Mar-19 13:00:45

I would keep any child of mine as far away as possible from a known paedophile ...whatever the relationship was.
Anyone who stands by a known paedophile is an enabler....almost as bad.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 30-Mar-19 13:02:43

I think you need to arrange other care for all the DC whilst she is here. There's been a case in the news where I live (US) where a mother was knowingly allowing her children to be abused by her boyfriend so he didn't leave her. Some of it involved video. I'd put your mother in the same category as that woman. I know that it will be disappointing to your granddad, but since your DM can't be trusted to not try to inveigle the DC into wanting to be with her alone (overnights, movies, etc) then it's best that they aren't exposed to her at all. Who knows what the fuck her sick paedo husband might put her up to!!

I agree 100% with going to the police. But since the bastard (if I have this right) is not in the UK, will they issue a warrant for his arrest? Does the UK do trials 'in absentia'? I'm thinking of them being able to set something up so that he cannot legally enter the UK or will the country he's in extradite him to the UK for trial?

Lizzie48 Sat 30-Mar-19 13:07:58

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through*, OP*. Just stick to your guns, you can't trust your mum at all, I'm afraid, not if she's standing by her man, despite what she knows about him. I think you need to think very carefully about going NC with both of them. She was abusive to you as well when you were growing up.

I was abused from a very early age, in a very similar way to what you suffered, and my DSis too. The difference is that it was my F who hurt us (along with other men) and my mum didn't know about it. He's also been dead for over 20 years, thankfully.

But, like you, I'm also torn over how far I can trust her, as she was emotionally abusive to us, and still is, and I don't want the same happening to my DDs.


Thesuzle Sat 30-Mar-19 13:11:34

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TickTockBaby Sat 30-Mar-19 13:12:20

Absolutely not. It is your role as mum to protect and manage unnecessary risk.

It would be ridiculous to allow this. If in 5, 10 years time a disclosure came from your child about this evening could you rationalise it then?

Kaddm Sat 30-Mar-19 13:16:41

Keep saying no.
You can just calmly say no.
She says why or goes on
You say “I’ve said no” calmly

YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 30-Mar-19 13:18:03

Hello @GunpowderGelatine we're really sorry to hear of everything you've gone - and are going - through. flowers

We hope you don't mind - we're going to add a trigger warning to your thread title as the subject is so sensitive.

Best wishes from all at MNHQ.

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