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Would you let your child sleep over at this persons house? [Trigger warning added by MNHQ: mentions of child abuse]

(423 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

GunpowderGelatine Sat 30-Mar-19 08:35:42

Say you have a very close family member who is knowingly married to a peadophile. He has never been arrested, charged or convicted but only because his victim has never gone to the police, but the wife is aware of the accusations and you are 100% certain they're true.

Say your DD (6) has purposefully never met this man for this reason, but the wife visits from time to time but she has never looked after your DD alone.

If the wife - who again is very closely related to you - of the accused paedophile asked if she could have your DD overnight where she's staying nearby, what would you say? You don't suspect this woman of abuse yourself and and she is staying at another family members nearby, which is where the sleepover would happen? And, wether your answer is yes or no, what is the reason?

I ask because I am in this situation and without giving details (though I've posted before about this man) I need to know if I'm making the right decision in what I've decided about the sleepover

Brownpigeon Sat 30-Mar-19 08:37:34

No. If the woman is sticking by the man, despite knowing, then not a chance. Judgement and morals are already skewed and I wouldn't trust her.

darkriver19886 Sat 30-Mar-19 08:38:37

Never in a million years.

Littlebluebird123 Sat 30-Mar-19 08:38:50

Your child, your rules ultimately.

Mine don't go to sleepovers and are older than your dd. There's rarely any 'need' for a sleepover. Can't you arrange a fun activity instead?

MummytoTw0 Sat 30-Mar-19 08:38:55

What a ridiculous post

Do you really need people's advice?

OF COURSE NOT!!! DO NOT LET YOUR STAY THERE

PotteringAlong Sat 30-Mar-19 08:38:57

I agree, it’s a no from me.

TooGood2BeFalse Sat 30-Mar-19 08:39:34

Nope.I would be wary of her motivations.

Drizzlehair Sat 30-Mar-19 08:39:42

No, too risky.

Too much to lose, and tbh not much to gain if all goes well. Why risk it?

Oysterbabe Sat 30-Mar-19 08:39:48

That's the easiest no ever. If there was even the smallest chance her husband would be there then there's a chance he could abuse my child.

Praiseyou Sat 30-Mar-19 08:39:50

If she knows about the abuse and hasn't reported him and left him, I wouldn't trust her judgement on anything and she would be nowhere near my child.

user1480880826 Sat 30-Mar-19 08:39:52

No

HumpHumpWhale Sat 30-Mar-19 08:40:22

I'm reading this as him not being there, which is why you're even contemplating it. Still no way, not in a million years. I'd cut all contact with her, actually, never mind letting her see my child.

amymel2016 Sat 30-Mar-19 08:40:35

Absolutely not, if she’s sticking by him then she obviously isn’t grasping the seriousness of the situation. I wouldn’t trust her at all.

MashedSpud Sat 30-Mar-19 08:40:36

Not a chance.

I’d cut ties with her too for being with him.

Howzaboutye Sat 30-Mar-19 08:40:36

No way
Never
Absolutely not

BrieAndChilli Sat 30-Mar-19 08:40:41

No, because it’s a slippery slope. You may be sure this time that there’s no risk of this man having access, but slowly as you let her have more access you will get more relaxed and there will come a time when he will ‘pop’ in and she obviously doesn’t see the danger of him so will not be vigilant in not letting g him alone.

Bussells Sat 30-Mar-19 08:41:16

I’m not sure if some pp have realised she won’t be staying at the house where the man is, but I personally would not trust my child with someone who willingly lives with a paedophile, no matter where the sleepover would take place. I would have no respect or trust in someone like that.

Baby2namehelp Sat 30-Mar-19 08:41:23

No. She’s supporting him and he might show up there.

I hope his original victim is not a family member too. A friend of mine had a sister abused by another sisters husband.

HumpHumpWhale Sat 30-Mar-19 08:41:27

Oh and my reason is that she clearly has very poor boundaries and no regard for the suffering of children so can't be trusted.

Jackshouse Sat 30-Mar-19 08:41:56

No way. I won’t leave my 6 year alone with someone they really know over night. Never mind one who is colliding with a peadophile.

user1493413286 Sat 30-Mar-19 08:42:06

No, to be honest I wouldn’t have anything to do with the woman either.
If she knows that her husband is a paedophile then she’s either ok with it which is a risk or is in denial about it which is just as big a risk. If she doesn’t believe he’s a risk what would stop her taking your DD to see him without telling you.

SevenSeasofRye Sat 30-Mar-19 08:42:26

No way

GucciDay Sat 30-Mar-19 08:42:58

No, obviously confused. No explanation is ever needed when you need to keep your child safe.

ThanosSavedMe Sat 30-Mar-19 08:43:06

No. Agree with pp the fact that she has stayed with this man means that she has minimised what he has done. Also she hasn’t ever had your child alone, why does she want an overnight stay? Why can’t she visit as usual. Sorry I don’t trust her motives.

I really wouldn’t care if it caused offence. My child’s safety comes first. Always.

cliquewhyohwhy Sat 30-Mar-19 08:43:08

Never over my dead body.

Mememeplease Sat 30-Mar-19 08:43:16

No. She's already proved she's willing to overlook serious things. So she'd certainly overlook less serious, but nonetheless worrying things too.

SharkSave Sat 30-Mar-19 08:43:22

Nope nope nope

Holidayshopping Sat 30-Mar-19 08:43:35

You say that you believe the accusations are 100% true, but does the wife? Does she think they are lies? Or does she accept he is a paedophile but she is staying with him anyway?

No, I wouldn’t be letting my child go round but I presume you have already talked about this and you have made your feelings very clear?

alrightdoll Sat 30-Mar-19 08:43:58

Absolutely fucking not and she would have been cut off from my children well before now for marrying him knowing what he is. She is also disgusting. No no no no no.

Mylittlepony374 Sat 30-Mar-19 08:44:03

Not a chance. Never.

ElizabethMainwaring Sat 30-Mar-19 08:44:20

No. I remember your previous post about this I think. Was it about six months ago? Anyway, it was a unanimous no vote then too. I can pretty much guarantee that it will be a litany of no's here.

Nowordsleft Sat 30-Mar-19 08:45:05

Why is she asking to have your child overnight? It’s no anyway.

GucciDay Sat 30-Mar-19 08:45:11

It's worrying you even have to ask tbh.

lunar1 Sat 30-Mar-19 08:45:13

No chance, her moral compass is way off what's ok, there is no way on earth I would trust her judgment regarding my children. Even if she left him I still wouldn't allow it. Something is not quite right about a person who can overlook this.

SoyDora Sat 30-Mar-19 08:45:34

No. She’s proved herself to have bad judgement and morals.

TeddyIsaHe Sat 30-Mar-19 08:46:29

Why would you even consider this? Seriously?

Dramatical Sat 30-Mar-19 08:46:30

Fucking hell, absolutely no way.

I do hope you are not the wife in the situation

SlipperyLizard Sat 30-Mar-19 08:46:38

Nope, never, not in a million years.

FrozenMargarita17 Sat 30-Mar-19 08:46:41

Sorry I got to 'paedophile' and had my answer already. Definitely not.

BlueJava Sat 30-Mar-19 08:47:29

Obvioulsy I wouldn't let my child go. It's not even about being reasonable or unreasonable - it's common sense.

SlipperyLizard Sat 30-Mar-19 08:48:11

The reason being that if she’s knowingly married a paedophile I could not trust her judgement to keep my child safe from anything.

GenuineKlatchianPottery Sat 30-Mar-19 08:48:30

Hell no!
And I’d be steering well clear of anyone who is knowingly associated with a peadophile.

Disfordarkchocolate Sat 30-Mar-19 08:49:03

No. And they would be told not to ask again or contact would be reduced. They need to have it made clear to them that being with a known paedophile negatively impacts on their relationship with children.

GwenCooper81 Sat 30-Mar-19 08:49:05

Nope. Her moral compass is skewed if she's stopping with a paedophile. Very poor boundaries. No no no.

Didntwanttochangemyname Sat 30-Mar-19 08:49:15

Fuck No.

kaldefotter Sat 30-Mar-19 08:49:28

Never, ever, ever. You must protect your DD, and not allow this to become an "in". Don't let your guard drop with your relative. You can't trust her. And you don't need to justify your decision to her either.

formerbabe Sat 30-Mar-19 08:49:37

NEVER

YourSarcasmIsDripping Sat 30-Mar-19 08:49:49

I assume the OP already said no, but there's pressure being put on/made feel guilty as in this instance it would be at someone else's house, she wouldn't be solely in charge and she's not the one accused.

Despite all that, it would still be a hell no from me because her priorities and judgement are fucked.

DelilahTheSlagFromTheBible Sat 30-Mar-19 08:50:35

Absolutely not.

EleanorOalike Sat 30-Mar-19 08:51:30

Unfortunately, I’ve got some paedophile apologists in my life at the moment. They disgust me, as does this woman.

If she is ok with being in a relationship with a known paedophile then imo she’s also not a safe person to have around a child and my answer would be a firm no.

She’s neither the child’s mother nor father. She doesn’t need overnight access to your little girl. The fact she’s trying to get it concerns me.

swimrunfun Sat 30-Mar-19 08:51:32

No.

If the original post was short, I'd think this is a troll post.

PeonyTruffle Sat 30-Mar-19 08:51:48

Over my dead body. And even then it would still be a no.

Absolutely not.

Sowhatifisaycunt Sat 30-Mar-19 08:52:03

No. She’s a risk to children as she doesn’t have the capacity to protect them from harm.

0ccamsRazor Sat 30-Mar-19 08:52:20

Absolutly no way.

Why would you be concidering this op?

PleaseFormAQueue Sat 30-Mar-19 08:53:33

Of course not hmm

CatToddlerUprising Sat 30-Mar-19 08:53:49

Even if the husband isn’t there I wouldn’t do it. He could ask for seemingly innocent photos of your DC but use it for sinister means e.g. ‘aww send me a photo of DC sleeping’ etc

CripsSandwiches Sat 30-Mar-19 08:54:12

No. Not worth the risk. She can see DD at my house with me present but she can't be trusted to look after her alone and certainly not overnight. Not worth the risk.

Springwalk Sat 30-Mar-19 08:54:24

ABSOLUTELY NO WAY. Hell would freeze over first.

ChilliMum Sat 30-Mar-19 08:55:19

Why does she want your dd overnight?

I think this is where in itself.

I am an aunty and I am v. Close to my nieces. I don't live close so they come stay at my house.

When I am at my parents, who live close, I wouldn't dream of asking to have them overnight. I would visit at their house.

Bizzare and with the peopdophile connection would undoubtably be a no.

colditz Sat 30-Mar-19 08:55:23

No.

What possible reason could a grown adult have for wanting to have a sleepover with a child that isn't theirs?

There's ONE reason, and that's before you add in the fact that she's completely comfortable living with a convicted paedophile.

bellsbuss Sat 30-Mar-19 08:55:22

No I would not put my children knowingly in danger.

Cheerybigbottom Sat 30-Mar-19 08:55:33

No, I agree with a previous poster who said her morals are skewed and I too wouldn't trust her. These people would no longer be in my family circle.

mindutopia Sat 30-Mar-19 08:55:36

Dear god, no way! We do have this exact situation in our family. My MIL is married to a known paedophile (convicted, went to prison for several years). My dc do not step foot in their house, MIL does not have an unsupervised contact and definitely no overnights (she doesn’t think what he did was a ‘big deal’). Our dc has no contact at all with her for several years until she agreed to very strict terms of contact.

People like this are very easily manipulated. I would not doubt that MIL would send photos to her partner (not my dh’s dad btw!) if he pushed her as she believes he is innocent and just a harmless nice guy. We give her no opportunity to do such things even if we believe she likely means no harm.

Fundays12 Sat 30-Mar-19 08:55:36

Absolutely no way would my child be going there.

bagpiss Sat 30-Mar-19 08:55:44

Absolutely not, no way, not no how, obviously.

SleepingStandingUp Sat 30-Mar-19 08:55:47

Yes of course, what's the worst that could happen..

coconutpie Sat 30-Mar-19 08:55:54

It's worrying that you have to even ask this - you are insane to even be considering this

chocolatemademefat Sat 30-Mar-19 08:56:02

If she willingly lives her life with a paedophile she shouldn’t be near anyone’s children as she clearly has no respect for their safety. This has to be a big NO from you - a six year old can’t defend herself against abuse and should never be placed in a situation where it could occur.

I wouldn’t care how nice this person seemed - she’s not nice because by staying with a paedophile she’s condoning his behaviour.

grumpyyetgorgeous Sat 30-Mar-19 08:56:23

No way!! She supports a paedophile and therefore is not capable of safeguarding your dd. Limited supervised contact only (assuming mum or mil)

EleanorOalike Sat 30-Mar-19 08:56:42

@CatToddlerUprising that was exactly my thinking too.

I highly doubt OP is seriously considering saying yes, I suspect they’ve already said no and had some pressure from family members saying “but it’s only her, she’s not going to do anything is she?!” and OP feels the need to have some good responses.

madroid Sat 30-Mar-19 08:56:46

Why is she asking?

Why is she saying she wants the child overnight at someone else's house?

Because she knows she is with a paedophile?

Because she knows you are frightened she is with a paedophile?

In which case, why is she asking to have the child overnight?

In all scenarios she is ignoring your feelings and concerns and putting what she wants over the safety of your child and your wishes as a responsible, decent parent.

She's a very selfish and morally stupid woman at best. At worst she's grooming for him.

mrsk28 Sat 30-Mar-19 08:57:00

Definitely not, better safe than sorry.

Does she believe her husband is a paedophile and is ok with it?? I can see how this would be awkward if she doesn't believe it but I wouldn't care.

DialANumber Sat 30-Mar-19 08:57:08

No. Even without knowing what you know, I think 6 is very young for sleepovers. Mine like to settle at home, with their parents.

Knowing what you know, I wouldn't even consider any unsupervised contact of any type.

ThatFalseEquivalenceTho Sat 30-Mar-19 08:57:57

Over my dead body

Awrite Sat 30-Mar-19 08:58:25

No. No way. Not a chance.

I wouldn't even allow a relationship between my dc and this woman.

My reason is that she's either been groomed by him or controlled by him. Or - she condones abuse. Take your pick.

Nomorepies Sat 30-Mar-19 08:58:42

No. And yawn, do you really need to ask? No. What is the point of this post?

Pegsinarow Sat 30-Mar-19 08:59:17

Nope! Her judgement is way off. It's her decision as to whether she stays married to a pedophile. But that decision has consequences.

Screamingontheinside Sat 30-Mar-19 08:59:19

Is this a trick question?!? Ffs

beela Sat 30-Mar-19 08:59:24

If you need to ask a bunch of random strangers on the Internet then you already know the answer.

BinaryStar Sat 30-Mar-19 08:59:26

I would be saying no and refuse to explain or defend myself to her others

Berthatydfil Sat 30-Mar-19 09:00:09

No never.

Gruzinkerbell1 Sat 30-Mar-19 09:00:16

Nope. She’s happily standing by a known paedophile.

She wouldn’t have any contact at all if she was my “close family member”.

FogDog Sat 30-Mar-19 09:02:03

No and I’m not sure why anyone would need to ask ‘shall I let my child have a sleepover with someone who has chosen to marry a paedophile?’

Dramatical Sat 30-Mar-19 09:03:07

No and I’m not sure why anyone would need to ask ‘shall I let my child have a sleepover with someone who has chosen to marry a paedophile?’

OP has not said she is the parent.

I strongly suspect she is not.

BlytheofWindyWillows Sat 30-Mar-19 09:03:15

Of course it's a no. I would not let my DD near either of them.

GunpowderGelatine Sat 30-Mar-19 09:03:45

Thanks all. I’m pleased I’m not going mad as I agree with you all (and never once contemplated saying yes) but I knowthis person will make me think I’m being OTT

Hope I am not accused of drip feeding - the close female relative is my mum and the abuser is my stepdad. The victim is me.

I’ve posted extensively about this before, but essentially the facts are - he met my mum when I was 4, married her when I was 6 and there are a few vivid memories of sexual abuse as a child. When I was the age my DD is now, he forced me into giving him oral sex.

There are only a few memories of childhood abuse. But when I turned 16, until 3 years later when I left for uni, he sexually harassed me on a daily basis. This involved him standing in doorways masturbating as I walked last, walking into my room naked and masturbating, offering me £500 for sex, leaving sex toys around, leaving porn in my room, and speaking sexually to me through the walls. And so, so much more. I never told anyone but my mum found out not long before I left for uni. I didn’t tell her about the childhood abuse. She stayed with him and after I moved out they moved abroad.

After the initial finding out my mum basically swept it all under the carpet and pretended it didn’t happen. She even tried to force a father/daughter relationship into us. I silently hated him but tolerated this because of the love for my mum.

When I had my DD 6 years ago though things changed. I told her he’d never meet her - this was after an initial rush of her saying “oh he’s so so happy to be a grandad and can’t wait to meet the baby”. She was devastated, and was hospitalised with a “heart episode” after this. But he has never once met my kids, we don’t visit them and when she visits she visits alone. I am 99% sure she hasn’t told him that he’s never meeting the kids, though she says she has.

2 years ago she left him and came back to the UK. At this point I told her about the childhood sexual abuse including the forced oral sex. I wanted to be in a place where we talked about it openly but she couldn’t and would cry whenever I started a conversation. After a few months, she went back to him.

You’re probably thinking at this point - and it’s a question that’s been posed on here before - why aren’t I now NC with her? But it’s not that simple. She’s manipulative, and my only parent (my lovely dad died 6 years ago when I was pregnant). She recently came over and I took the opportunity yet again to try and get answers about the abuse, why she went back and what my abuser has said to her. She took that opportunity to tell me she recently attempted suicide - thus shutting the conversation dead and ensuring I don’t upset her further. She also basically said she went back to him 2 years ago because when she was back in the UK we didn’t make enough of an effort with her.

I don’t believe her about the suicide attempt BTW. She said she tried to gas herself in the car. She is the highest of all cowards and I don’t think she’d go through all the planning that kind of thing takes. And of course she started to do it then hero stepdad came to the rescue pulled her out and told her to think of me and the grandkids hmm

Anyway after the last visit I started the process of going NC with her. I have an email in my drafts I’ve been composing for weeks, perfecting it to explain why I don’t want her in my life and whatever she does after this isn’t my fault. I also planned to go to the police after sending the NC email.

However my grandad, her dad, has been unwell so she’s booked an impromptu flight over. This delaying my NC plan! She messaged me to ask the other night if DD could sleep over at my grandads with her (without me) last night. I said no, she has ballet Saturday mornings. Went to my grandad’s to see them all last night, and she whispered in my DD’s ear “ask mummy if you can have a sleepover”. Which pissed me off because I already said no. I said no again and she said “what about any other night?”. I just said were busy until you go sorry.

What I wanted to say was that no she can’t sleep over because you clearly don’t think the sexual abuse of a 6yo is a big deal and whilst you’ve never abused yourself, you are not capable of protecting nor safeguarding a child of that very age. However I didn’t because my kids were there and also my grandad and he doesn’t know about the abuse (and is quite ill so could do without it). I’m meeting them today and she will ask again. I want to say the above, away from everyone. She’ll definitely cry and tell me I’m being ridiculous. I don’t want to risk anything, I don’t trust her not to FaceTime her husband or send him pictures of her.

To those saying "why do you even have to ask" - it took me 11 years to even realise what happened to me was abuse and not just stepdad "frightening me" which is what my mum describes it as. From age 19 when she found out, she has done a sterling job of acting like it never happened to the point our "normal" was like everyone else's normal. It's bloody odd to outsiders but I was happy to go along with the pretence because the shame victims feel kind of forces that. I have never, ever, ever put my children at risk. They have never met him, seen a picture, heard his name or even know granny is married. She has never so much as popped into shops with them alone. I have never, and will never, put them at risk

CarolDanvers Sat 30-Mar-19 09:03:50

Absolutely not.

DullPortraits Sat 30-Mar-19 09:03:49

No and do not let this woman have access to your child alone either.. she is an associated person to a pedophile and you can never ever be sure she would not allow him access to her or be manipulated into putting your child at risk! Keep well away.

FogDog Sat 30-Mar-19 09:05:29

If the issue is that he, not her, is paedophile, just consider that she has sex with a man knowing he has a sexual interest in kids. Would make most normal people gag. Shows she is able to tolerate it. Like fuck would she ever be alone with my children.

Itssosunny Sat 30-Mar-19 09:05:43

Don't let you DD to stay with that woman overnight (she is supporting a paedophile so she could be one too) and don't let her ever to look after your DD even at your house or like taking for a walk.

Charley50 Sat 30-Mar-19 09:05:59

Nope!

FogDog Sat 30-Mar-19 09:06:37

Sorry crossed posts and I’m sorry to hear what has happened to you

MrsRyanGosling15 Sat 30-Mar-19 09:07:16

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mindutopia Sat 30-Mar-19 09:07:30

Oh and your reason is you won’t allow unsupervised overnights because you are uncomfortable trusting her judgment due to her minimising of her partners abuse. You can say that. You don’t have to be polite.

From my own experience, it’s important to make it clear that the boundaries set are because of the condoning of the abuse. Not because you don’t love whoever or wish your dc had a relationship with them, but 100% because of the choices they have made.

CaptainMyCaptain Sat 30-Mar-19 09:07:46

No and I wouldn't have anything to do with her at all.

GunpowderGelatine Sat 30-Mar-19 09:07:52

And for those asking my mum says she believes me but is trapped in the marriage because of financial reasons.

MN has been an amazing support network over the years for my experience, I hope to draw strength to drop the bombshell today that she'll never watch my children. She'll probably have another "heart episode" or something (which I felt horrendously guilty about the first time round) but I need to remember that this is a manipulation tactic to deviate and take attention away from her mistakes

Itssosunny Sat 30-Mar-19 09:08:07

Hope I am not accused of drip feeding - the close female relative is my mum and the abuser is my stepdad. The victim is me.

Poor you, OP. Please move away from them.

CarolDanvers Sat 30-Mar-19 09:08:43

Oh OP, poor you sad. I totally get the confusion around it too. My mum was very violent to me growing up but seemed so different when I was older and had my children. There was a lot of confusion in my mind around whether I should let her look after them. These bonds are very hard to break.

Raylas Sat 30-Mar-19 09:09:16

Oh op flowers

When she's here, I hope that every time she starts the familiar manipulation, attempts to make you feel guilty (or worse, like you're overreacting) you come back here and that these posts give you the reassurance she never did.

darkriver19886 Sat 30-Mar-19 09:10:10

OP I am so sorry! I was exactly where you were. I was very clear with my mother that my stepdad wasnt allowed within 100 feet of my children. She never took them alone and often made me feel guilty.

She was fully aware of what her husband had done.

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