To think dd is being treated unfairly by her grandma

[Frogsring]

I've nc because I expect I may be flamed.

So my dm very kindly a couple of years ago stated to all my 3 dc that on their 21st birthday she'd buy them a car. My dc said that there was no need but she insisted and said that this is what she wants to spend her money on.

My eldest dc turned 21 a couple of years ago and received a car for her birthday from my dm. My dm reiterated to my second dc that she would be getting a car for her 21st in a couple of years as well.

My second dc is now turning 21 next month. She hasn't yet passed her driving test because she suffers from nerves and has made silly mistakes on her test but is a very good driver during her lessons and when I've taken her out in my car. She finishes university in a couple of months and is planning on doing one of those intense courses and then dedicating her summer to passing. Rather than wait a couple of months to give her a chance to pass, dm has said that she won't be getting a car because she should have passed already so she no longer deserves it. Instead, she said she's going to buy dd some expensive jewellery. Dd isn't interested in jewellery and never wears it which I told dm because I didn't want her to waste her money but she insists that she will buy her this and won't budge.

Dd has said that she's very grateful for the offer of a car and would rather have no birthday present until she passes her test and could then receive a car from dm.

She has a job starting after summer where it will make her life much easier if she can drive to it and won't be able to afford a car on her own until at least a year into work.

My youngest dc passed their test recently and my DM said to them that they'd be receiving a car on their 21st.

Aibu to think that DM is treating dd unequally and should buy her a car when she passes rather than give her a present that she has no interest in.

I know none of them have the right to a car and DM is being very generous and it is kind of her. I just think that she is treating her dc's unequally

[Frogsring]

Sorry, her grandchildren* unequally

[JenMumma]

Sell the jewellery on the sly to buy a car. ??? 😁🤷🏼‍♀️

[multiplemum3]

I can see why she wouldn't want to buy her a car if she hasn't got a license but I don't understand why your mum is insisting on buying her jewellery she doesn't even want.

[HoneysuckIejasmine]

That's not fair, no. I'd make clear that if she buys jewellery, you'll be selling it to put towards a car. Which if course will get a lower return than the purchase price and waste her money.

[Jessgalinda]

She isnt treating them all unequally.

The situations are different. I do think it's a bit bad to be 'now of never' with her attitude.

However, does she think that your dd will never pass her test? Or she doesnt want to be left having to buy 2 cars in a couple of years?

[Frogsring]

Youngest dc is only 17 so wouldn't be receiving a car for years, so its unlikely to be 2 in 2 years

[Jessgalinda]

Youngest dc is only 17 so wouldn't be receiving a car for years, so its unlikely to be 2 in 2 years

But it could be 2 close together if your daughter doesnt pass this summer.

[Fatted]

Was your DM like this towards you and your siblings when you were younger?

Did she say it came with conditions attached the time that you had to have passed your test by the time you were 21?

Personally I'd be telling your mum to stuff her money for all of them if she is going to be so mean to your DD.

[CalmdownJanet]

Totally unfair. Tell her stick her jewellery. Seriously, I mean have you told her how unfair she is being?

[Decormad38]

Get her to buy really expensive jewellery that sells on well with a profit. Then buy her a really nice car

[SosigDog]

Really unfair. She should give all of them the same amount to spend on a car when they’re ready. It’s horrible to punish someone for not passing a driving test too - not very loving and supportive at all! I’d make it very clear that she doesn’t want jewellery and you’ll be selling it immediately to buy a car.

[Sunonthepatio]

Unfair.

[Soontobe60]

She's being totally mean. If my dm did this I'd be livid!

[Fairylea]

Very unfair.

Tell her either she buys her the car or you’ll sell the jewellery to use the money to put towards one.

[ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual]

She's punishing your dd for not passing an exam. That's a shite thing to do.

[MarthasGinYard]

She should just gift them the same amount in a car fund for when they pass their tests. I'd reiterate

"it's a lovely gesture DM but jewellery really isn't her thing"

[yearinyearout]

Your dm is a nutcase. What kind of adult digs her heels in over something like this? Having her own car will encourage your dd to pass, you could also insure it so she gets to practice in it all the time, and she can even take her test in it if she will be more relaxed.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Do you think she's saying it to try and "force" your middle one to pass?

Was she very "expecting" of you and your siblings when you were younger?

It isn't fair and it in unequal because presumably she's punishing your middle child twice - first by spending it on something she doesn't like and secondly by only spending a fraction of the money because she wasn't quick enough. A car and a pretty necklace aren't comparable and whilst she isn't entitled to either, she's already made the promise

[Frogsring]

She was like this with my siblings and I. Everything had to be done to a schedule and she's always been very uncompromising.

[Mbear]

When did the eldest dc pass their test? You say your youngest passed at 17. It could look like to your dm that middle dc has taken nearly 4 years to learn/pass and hasn’t done it.
I don’t agree with your dm’s decision, just trying to work out the thinking!

[Margot33]

Can you get her to book her test asap? That way when she passes you can ask for the car instead. If she doesn't listen and buys jewellery. Then sell it to help get her a car.

[ittakes2]

Yes it is unfair but its her money - what can you do?
You have done the right thing telling her she doesn't wear jewellery. Why don't you ask her if she will pay for the driving lessons and some therapy to calm her nerves instead. It might soften her up and when she does pass she might change her mind.
From your post I have the impression your daughter tried and then has failed her test. If she has already taken a test the driving instructor has already deemed she is capable of passing and you said yourself she is a good driver. Maybe your mother is trying to force her to get over her nerves? Get back on the horse so to speak?
Driving safely is the most important factor - your daughter needs to feel comfortable. However, if she was ready for her test and failed due to nerves - I think she needs to work on her nerves as part of this. I failed my test due to nerves - but sat it again a week later and passed because I really wanted to be able to drive.
Sounds very much like your mother is forcing the issue - its all wrong - but maybe its coming from a kind place.
One thing which has stood out for me is you are saying she wants to do a test over summer and then hopefully pass and use the car regularly for a job starting after summer. Personally as her parent - I would be encouraging her to get her license sooner so she has a lot more driving experience before she starts driving regularly for a job.
This is an important lesson for your daughter - life is not fair unfortunately - especially it seems when it comes to free cars. If you feel strongly about it - you might have to either give or loan her the money.

[theresafoxunderthedecking]

i wouldn't dance to this tune tbh as i've been on receiving end of this. if dd has a car it MIGHT encourage her to crack on and pass but i wouldn't want the added stress of the conditions.
'if you buy dgd jewellery she will sell it and put the money towards a car, so it comes down to you dm' then if she is shirty about it and says then she won't buy either for gdg that is her choice. it will cause upset in the family no matter what but it is dm's choice and her money, it was misguided to make the 'i'll buy you all cars blah.blah' in the first place.
if i was in dgd, i'd start work and save as much as i could then get an old banger to start with then take it from there. love does not come with conditions and dm will come to realise that as she becomes older and frailer that maybe she has made her family distant from her with her selfish attitude.

[Serin]

What a control freak!
Has she always been like this?

[Frogsring]

Dd has lots of coursework due in the next few weeks and has had loads of work all year. She's been worrying about passing all year and has been intending to in each university holiday but has so much work from university that she just didn't have time.

I don't want to put pressure on her or give her any added stress on top of all of her university work so I've just told her to forget about driving for now and then she's got the summer to get it done