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Friend is OW

(180 Posts)
giantnannyknickers Sat 30-Mar-19 01:23:29

I'm so beyond frustrated with my friend, she's been having an affair for over a year with a married man. Man has a wife and 2 kids (young adult & late teens) who he says he can't leave as he doesn't want to upset the kids. I've made it very very clear to friend I don't approve of the situation. She says she is not the one who is cheating, she's single etc. Lacks any general guilt. This person is a nurse, empathetic and caring normally but in this situation she seems to have set that all aside for his family as she feels she was won a "prize" and can't believe someone like him would "choose her"

Today she bumped into the wife (knows her from online stalking) and seemed to find this quiet thrilling when regaling the story. How the wife wasn't much to look at etc. I'm beyond frustrated how can you gleam any joy from this situation?

I'm actually thinking of cutting this friend out of my life. I can't handle her talking about this anymore. It's driving me mental. What would you guys do?

giantnannyknickers Sat 30-Mar-19 05:32:40

@SleepingBeautyonwheels editor in chief of a major national paper (not in the UK) so very high up, intelligent, well connected blah blah blah

giantnannyknickers Sat 30-Mar-19 05:37:11

I have told her multiple times I don't in anyway condone the relationship, I've encouraged her to get counselling to help with her insecurities. And encouraged hobbies, self care techniques etc

I was so hurt when she was smiling about telling me she had bumped into this mans wife. I couldn't even look at her when she was telling the story. It's like she got a thrill from it.

I'm useless with confrontation so I just stayed quiet while she was chatting. Eventually making an excuse as to how to leave.

What do I say to someone to say I don't condone it, but I'll here there for her when it all falls apart?

giantnannyknickers Sat 30-Mar-19 05:40:49

Aaagghhh I don't know what to write in the text this is so hard

HelloDarlin Sat 30-Mar-19 05:44:22

She’ll regret it when it’s all over.
Hopefully remorse for her actions & not feeling hurt / sorry for herself.
She’s caught up in the danger / romance / saga of the wife right now, but the scales will fall away...

Ilove31415926535 Sat 30-Mar-19 05:44:38

If I were you, the next time she started spouting about how ugly the wife is, I'd say, quietly and calmly, 'you don't have to put her down to feel better about yourself. You're sleeping with her husband, and that could ruin everything for her' then be quiet and let the chips fall where they may.
That's what she's doing. She may be vulnerable and insecure and all that, but she's also playing a part in potentially ruining another woman's self esteem. Yes, the husband is too, and I judge him just as harshly, but you can only talk to her.
Perhaps if she has to face up to the truth of making someone else feel as she feels she'll have a flash of conscience. Perhaps not. Only you know what type of person she is. But, and I do mean this, this shows you what type of person she is. And we are the people we hang out with. Everyone makes mistakes, but this one is a massive one, that affects other people.

MaverickSnoopy Sat 30-Mar-19 05:51:05

I would say to her that you don't want to hear about it anymore. She knows you don't condone it so back that up by saying you don't want to know.

I have been in this situation. Friend actively pursued married colleague whose wife (we also worked with) was on mat leave 2. She targeted him and slowly built up a friendship into am emotional and eventually physical affair. She was so proud of herself and showed no empathy at all. He was your run of the mill Mr nice guy - a bit geeky and clumsy and you would never think he would cheat, except he did. Yes I know she was single but I felt sick every time she'd come up with another manipulative plan to "win" him. In the end I distanced myself, largely because even though she knew I didn't condone it, she expected me to be on her "side" and support her. I just couldn't.

Bossinger Sat 30-Mar-19 05:51:28

Text her that until she sees sense you have to walk away.

crispysausagerolls Sat 30-Mar-19 05:57:03

Look, it’s a shit thing she is doing but she is your friend. Which in my book means being there for her through whatever ridiculous decisions she makes and trying not to judge. If she is an important friend to you just be there - you know it won’t end well. By all means be honest with her or tell her you don’t think it’s funny when she tells you stuff with glee, but it sounds like she’s a mess and making stupid decisions because of it. I’ve had 2 friends do similar and both of them were fairly emotionally damaged from different issues and grew out of it. It’s unpleasant but the reality is the man is the real arsehole and probably would’ve cheated with whoever.

mavericksnoopy

Having said all this, your story has chilled me to the absolute core. Jesus fucking Christ what a horrible person!!!!!!

kateandme Sat 30-Mar-19 06:08:36

you see I don't get the "shes not cheating " thing.because morally I just wouldn't go with someone who was with someone else.i would leave/stayaway from someone even if id fallen in love with this person.i couldn't be someones 'cheat'.i don't think it would be in me even. that that stepping over the boundaries would happen because the attraction wouldn't occur because id no they were married if that makes sense so theres that automatic no go zone around those people.
only with circumstance abuse.emotional vulnerabilities can I begin to understand little

CarlGrimesMissingEye Sat 30-Mar-19 06:32:26

Just tell her the truth.

"You're my friend, I love you, but I do not want to hear anymore about your relationship for as long as you are with a married man and having an affair. It makes me uncomfortable. So we can talk about something else or we can just chat over message for a while"

TeddybearBaby Sat 30-Mar-19 06:33:45

Hi the thing is I don’t agree with the poster who said that you’re projecting your own morals........ so what? Say she was a racist, should you have to listen to that as well? I think your own mental health is important here as well as your friends and it sounds to me like you’ve had enough. A text from me to a friend would read something like this......

Dear X, I feel I need to write to you about our friendship lately because I’m no longer enjoying it tbh. Your love life is your business and I’d like to be able to support you but I’m not sure how I can do that when it means laughing at the ugliness of a woman who is being betrayed in the worst way. I have tried to speak to you about counselling and why you feel so low that this relationship is the best you can do and actually feel ‘lucky’ to be in it, but you don’t hear that or maybe you don’t want to? I’m not sure where to go from here?

Dimsumlosesum Sat 30-Mar-19 06:56:34

In the same way that the getaway car driver isn't the one who's robbing the post office with a gun....

The getaway driver still gets done though for the part they played in the "crime"...if adultery were punishable by jailtime (if only), the mistress would be punished too.

OP, my mothers best friend is also an OW, made worse by the fact she was cheated on by her own husband with her best friend, so she understands the bone crushing life altering pain being cheated on causes, but she chooses to do it anyway to another unsuspecting woman. Like you say too, she has so little self belief/self worth that she honestly thinks that by him "choosing" her it must mean she is worth something. I refuse to entertain any talk from her about "her man", I change the subject when she talks about it, her family refuse to let her talk about him, but still, she remains in a relationship with him, being fed all the usual lies men tell women and believing them all. It's not the first time she's been an OW either, she even got punched in the face by the wife when she found out once (whilst the husband watched). But she never learns.

All we can do is never ever entertain even a moment of her talking about it, to tell her we don't want to hear about it, it hurts us to even hear her talking about it etc.

LL83 Sat 30-Mar-19 07:03:52

I would say "I have told you I dont want to hear about this." Every time. If it's all she wants to talk about she may distance herself from you, but no great loss.

SerenDippitty Sat 30-Mar-19 07:07:27

This person is a nurse, empathetic and caring normally but in this situation she seems to have set that all aside for his family as she feels she was won a "prize" and can't believe someone like him would "choose her"

But he hasn’t really chosen her, he is just choosing to have sex with her while remaining married to someone else. She obviously has low self esteem and this sort of man preys on that.

Serin Sat 30-Mar-19 07:10:32

I lost a good friend in very similair circumstances. Except both parties were married and her husband was also a good mate.
I chose to stand by him.

Whereisthegin1978 Sat 30-Mar-19 07:18:17

I’d tell the wife (anonymously if you want). My dad had affairs for years - others knew and never said anything. When he left my mum after 30 years of marriage and it came out she was distraught and has never got over it - especially the fact that the whole small town they lived in seem to know. She’s wishes someone had let her know.

Blahdeblahbahhhhh Sat 30-Mar-19 07:24:57

At the end of the day, regardless of anything else, her behaviour is really unkind. That is my standard for friends- that most of the time they are kind.
Personally I would say I care about her but can’t see her while this situations continues.
I’d feel sorry for her but more sorry for the people she shows no compassion for.

Amongstthetallgrass Sat 30-Mar-19 07:33:51

Tbh I think your getting a thrilll from the drama of it to...

ResistanceIsNecessary Sat 30-Mar-19 07:38:28

Text her and say: I'm not coming over because I don't want to talk about your affair with X. You are my friend and I care about you, but I'm shocked by your nasty comments about his wife.

thedisorganisedmum Sat 30-Mar-19 07:50:53

I've made it very very clear to friend I don't approve of the situation.

so what? you are not her mother, it's none of your business.
Your friend is stupid if she believes her boyfriend is staying with his wife because of the kids, but that's not your problem.
You can just tell her you don't agree, so you don't want to talk about it at all.

Janedoughnut Sat 30-Mar-19 07:56:12

Text her and say: I'm not coming over because I don't want to talk about your affair with X. You are my friend and I care about you, but I'm shocked by your nasty comments about his wife.

I'd do this.

Hwory Sat 30-Mar-19 08:00:35

Personally I would tell her straightly how you feel about and distance yourself.

Be prepared for this to go on for years if she’s that gullible to believe his lies of you choose to stick around to hear about it.

I’m a big believer in the people you choose to have around you are a reflection on yourself and your own morals. There are so many people in this world to be friends with why choose to spend time with someone that’s okay with hurting people with no guilt?

happymum12345 Sat 30-Mar-19 08:05:20

If the man is unfaithful to his wife, then I can’t imagine how insecure that would make your already vulnerable friend in the future as he would no doubt cheat on her too. If you’ve told her how wrong it is having an affair with a married man & how much hurt will be involved on all sides, all you can do is be there for her when it all goes wrong. My heart goes out to his wife.

SoupDragon Sat 30-Mar-19 08:08:18

I would have cut her out of my life as soon as I found out about the affair.

She says she is not the one who is cheating

I hate this sort of pathetic attempt to claim innocence of all wrong doing. It's like saying the get away driver isn't complicit in the bank robbery because they weren't in the bank. She knows he is married with children, she is just as guilty of despicable behaviour.

malificent7 Sat 30-Mar-19 08:08:19

Dump her. She's a bitch. How could you trust her again.

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