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To not tell anyone I'm pregnant?

(80 Posts)
BambooB Fri 29-Mar-19 20:21:29

Just found I am 4 weeks pregnant.

In all honesty I have had 2 early miscarriages and I don't want anyone to know I am pregnant until I've had the scan and all is ok?.

Including my daughter? Which is going to be so hard as she is asking me all the time if I can have a baby brother/sister for her!. She keeps drawing pictures of us and 'the new baby' and putting her hand on my stomach telling me she can't wait to meet 'the baby'.

I 100% have not told her, my partner doesn't even know yet - we've not been great recently and my last miscarriage he took it really hard.

I'm just frightened and want to have an early scan (private) to make sure all is ok before I say anything to anyone,

AIBU to not tell anyone for another 4 weeks? I can book a scan at 8 weeks. I don't want my daughter to be hurt if I lose this baby too, and same with my partner.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 29-Mar-19 20:27:03

I think you should do whatever makes you feel most comfortable.

DoneLikeAKipper Fri 29-Mar-19 20:27:51

To be honest, it sounds like your daughter is very young, I don’t think (personally) that a young child needs to be told about a baby unless the pregnancy has been seen as progressing well. It’s too much for a young child to deal with, to be told they’re having a sibling, then it’s sadly gone.

Tell your partner, I hope he can be supportive and everything goes well this time.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Fri 29-Mar-19 20:29:22

You do whatever works best for your family. I wouldn’t dream of telling mine about pregnancy so early. DD was 2ish when I was pregnant and I think I waited until 15+ weeks.

Mintypea5 Fri 29-Mar-19 20:31:48

YANBU aid just tell the people you want to support you if anything would go wrong. For me that's DH and my 2 best friends. We went be telling DS1 until 12 week scan is ok as we've had losses and wouldn't want to put him through that pain

Absofrigginlootly Fri 29-Mar-19 20:34:21

I didn’t tell my DD (then 3) until I was about 19 weeks. She didn’t even notice or mention my bump!

Normandy144 Fri 29-Mar-19 20:34:35

Your daughter sounds young and i personally would not be telling her until you are well into the pregnancy. It's up to you what you tell your partner. Me personally i could noy keep it from him. I'd want him to know so we could support each other through it. Each to their own though.

00100001 Fri 29-Mar-19 20:35:06

I wouldn't tell 4yo, she wouldn't understand if you miscarried.

I'd wait until you're showing and then tell her. You can build up to it.

Cannyhandleit Fri 29-Mar-19 20:37:03

We never told anyone until 13 weeks with my first child after 2 miscarriages and even then only family and then some friends at 16weeks! I never felt comfortable really announcing as I was so nervous about miscarrying again! I wouldn't tell a 4 year old neither as I don't see any need!

SummerInSun Fri 29-Mar-19 20:37:05

Generally, almost no one tells anyone other than their partner before a 12 week scan, as the risk of miscarriage is high up to that point and very low afterwards. I particularly wouldn't tell a child, as it would be too difficult to explain what had gone wrong if you do miscarry.

Not telling your DH is a bit unusual. I understand why you want to shield him from the hurt if it goes wrong, but who will there then be to support you if things go wrong?

That said, I really hope it all works out for you. Congratulations!

PurpleDaisies Fri 29-Mar-19 20:38:37

If I were your partner, I’d be really hurt at not being told. Everyone else can wait though.

sighrollseyes Fri 29-Mar-19 20:40:37

I've never had a miscarriage so I can't claim to feel your pain there, but I didn't tell anyone except DH that I was pregnant until 16 weeks - largely because I get fed up of people talking about babies and nothing else! Do whatever is right for you!

Middlrm Fri 29-Mar-19 20:43:26

So sorry for your loss previously and congratulations on what I hope will be time rainbow baby , scary how switched on kids are though... your daughter seems to know some thing.

Your well within your rights to tell when you are ready, people don’t realise for ages half the time so 8 weeks isn’t crazy.

You sure you don’t even want to tell a friend ... for moral support as 4 weeks will feel like an eternity x x

Bigonesmallone3 Fri 29-Mar-19 20:43:28

You have to tell your partner, you may be pregnant but it's his baby too.
Your daughter doesn't need to know and with this pregnancy we didn't tell anyone including the children 1&8 til 11 weeks, after a scan

Merryoldgoat Fri 29-Mar-19 20:49:25

You don’t have to tell anyone until you’re ready.

The 8 week scan isn’t very helpful though and I’d wait until 12 weeks if you’re unsure.

Sorry you’ve had to go through miscarriages and I hope this is all ok.

OhTheRoses Fri 29-Mar-19 20:56:40

Why would you tell anyone you were pg before 12 weeks? When I was pg with dd (after 2 pgs that reached 2nd trimester and one that reached 3rd, excepting ds, I didn't tell ds until he asked why my tummy was fat. He was 3. 4 months is a lifetime to wait for a toddler. We told family after 20 wk scan.

cuppycakey Fri 29-Mar-19 20:59:22

I think you should tell your partner but it's fine not to tell anyone else until 12 weeks.

Penguin34 Fri 29-Mar-19 20:59:48

I didn't tell anyone apart from husband, parents and best friend till I'd had my 20 week scan. I'm sure people guessed but none of their business.
I got too excited the first time round and told loads of people, then had to tell them what had happened. So I learnt my lesson

Anyways, it's a lovely private secret to have. Keep it between you and your husband as long as you can!

iolaus Fri 29-Mar-19 21:19:52

I do think your partner should know - everyone else you can keep it from

BanginChoons Fri 29-Mar-19 21:32:32

You don't have to tell anyone until you are ready. If you contact the midwife at your surgery or the gp, they may be able to refer you for an early pregnancy scan due to your previous miscarriages.

morewashingtodooo Fri 29-Mar-19 21:41:54

I didn't tell anyone for over two months and when I did my dm was so happy because the 12 week scan was the following week. People are excited about babies but they really get excited when scans happen and when they know your in the safe weeks.
Keep it's to yourself if that's what you need but, your dp should know so he can offer you support. I was rushed in to hospital week 6 & 8 afterwards I was fine but the first weeks were the worst and I needed extra support.

HerculesMulligan Sat 30-Mar-19 06:33:59

I've had multiple miscarriages and tell the people whose support I'll need - my parents and PIL, my cousin and her wife as they're our emergency babysitters, selected people at work. I couldn't have coped without them in the past. My husband knows the second I take the pregnancy test, as it's his baby too and although we've both found our losses extraordinarily difficult, we're in this together.

I'm 15 weeks pregnant now and not planning to tell my 5yo til after the 20 week scan. That gives him another 15-20 weeks to get his head around it and that's a more manageable length of time for him to wait. I wouldn't dream of telling him until I am really very confident in the pregnancy and the statistics are on our side.

BeanBag7 Sat 30-Mar-19 07:47:38

I think you should tell your partner because imagine how upset he will be to find you went for a scan without him.

I wouldn't tell your daughter for a while. Kids that age dont understand the passage of time that well so saying "you'll have a baby sibling in 8 months" means little to them! I would wait until 5 months or so when it's not so long to wait

redwoodmazza Sat 30-Mar-19 07:51:23

I decided to tell no-one other than husband, until at least 12 weeks or so in case I miscarried.

BlueSuffragette Sat 30-Mar-19 07:56:00

Tell only those who would be very supportive. I would tell my partner but nobody else. You do what's right for you.

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