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Helping your married dd

(407 Posts)
MrsCasares Fri 29-Mar-19 19:24:33

Just canvassing opinions as don’t want to be an interfering mum.

Dd and her dh both work full time. Dd gets into work about 7.30am and doesn’t finish until after 7pm. Same goes for her dh.

They have no kids yet.

Aibu to offer to come in on a Friday and clean their house (for free) so they have the weekend to relax.

I am retired so have plenty of me time.

Lyricallie Fri 29-Mar-19 19:33:43

I’m 26, marrying my fiancé next year. I would be mortified if my mum did this. We both work full time etc. I would feel like I would have to tidy before she came over whereas when it just me and my fiancé we can just ignore mess until we deal with it. I wouldn’t want my mum coming in and looking at our dinner plates from the night before etc. I would feel judged. It would be 100% worse if it was my MIL, so even if your daughter would consider it, think of your SonIL too.

AnnieMay100 Fri 29-Mar-19 19:33:52

Some people would say yes to avoiding seeming rude or ungrateful, but only you know your daughter and if she’d appreciate it. Perhaps offer to clean when you go and visit them ‘so they can sit down and have a break’ then offer to make it regular. It’s a lovely thoughtful offer.

Letthemysterybe Fri 29-Mar-19 19:34:16

Lovely to offer. Personally I’d rather pay for a cleaner but I’m funny about my privacy. Though to be honest, in the days before children, when I worked long hours, my house didn’t get that messy and didn’t take long to clean! Maybe you could offer to help and give some different options, like clean/iron/do clothes washing/cook a lasagne/wait in for a food delivery. I definitely would have said yes if my mother or MIL had offered to do a load of ironing each week!

Ploppymoodypants Fri 29-Mar-19 19:35:06

Hmmmm, OP you sound lovely and it’s undpubta a kind and generous gesture.

However my MIL used to try and let herself in and do this, and it really upset me as she moved things about about generally made me feel like I was coming home to things being all different. MIL is really lovely by the way and wasn’t in anyway trying to interfere or be too involved. I can’t really explain but it just made me feel like my home wasn’t my sanctuary any more.

So maybe have a chat with her and offer. Make it clear you aren’t implying that the house is dirty or her standards are not up to scratch. Just that you are a lovely mum and want to help.

You do sound lovely BTW 😊

NoParticularPattern Fri 29-Mar-19 19:36:07

I think it depends on how your daughter would view it. You might just think that you’re offering to give yourself something to do etc etc but wouldnyour daughter be likely to see it as you thinking that her house is a tip? I mean I’d be delighted if my mum offers to clean our house, but some people would think it was that the person offering was trying to get a sky dig in

Cannyhandleit Fri 29-Mar-19 19:36:29

If they say no can you come to my house instead??

Merryoldgoat Fri 29-Mar-19 19:36:40

I need a mum! You can clean my house!

I think it’s a lovely offer but if they feel uncomfortable don’t push it.

blueskiesovertheforest Fri 29-Mar-19 19:36:58

It depends on your relationship with both of them and how you offer - if it will be perceived as judgemental don't, but if it's "your house is spotless but I feel sad that you two get no down time, and I've plenty..." then yes.

However

Don't suggest to your DD that you're helping her specifically as that implies you think she should be doing or does all the housework! Where's her husband in this!

Science9 Fri 29-Mar-19 19:37:04

This is so nice! I would love it smile

TrendyNorthLondonTeen Fri 29-Mar-19 19:37:56

It wouldn't sit right with me tbh.

DramaAlpaca Fri 29-Mar-19 19:38:27

As others have said, it depends on your relationship. If my mother offered to do that (which she wouldn't) I would decline as I don't want her alone in my house. That probably sounds awful, but she used to snoop in my room when I lived at home.

My young adult sons share a flat together & no way would I offer to do the cleaning for them - though they'd probably accept if I did as that would mean they didn't have to do it grin

cptartapp Fri 29-Mar-19 19:38:31

God no. Boundaries. Have some pride.

MrsCasares Fri 29-Mar-19 19:38:51

No I won’t push it. They just look so tired working those hours, and I can remember what it’s like working full time then having to do the cleaning.

Mammajay Fri 29-Mar-19 19:40:28

Lovely idea

MariaNovella Fri 29-Mar-19 19:40:42

I would absolutely hate this!

However, offering to do your DD’s washing/ironing in your own home, or preparing some meals for her to reheat in the evening, would be helpful and far less invasive.

ChrisPrattsFace Fri 29-Mar-19 19:40:44

I wouldn’t like this. From my mum or mil - too intrusive for me!
Depends on your relationship I guess!

GreatDuckCookery Fri 29-Mar-19 19:41:09

Just ask her and say you won’t be offended if she doesn’t want it. It’s very kind of you OP.

MeteorGarden92 Fri 29-Mar-19 19:42:34

Soon to be DH and I are a late 20’s/early 30’s couple, both working long hours in professional jobs.

My mum does this for us and MY GOD it’s amazing!!! We love her for it!! DP reguarly comments how wonderful it is and we do buy her little thank you gifts (offered to pay her but she refused).

Xxx definitely offer!!! It’ll cement your place in their house and feel more natural if you help out when they do have kids xxx

llangennith Fri 29-Mar-19 19:44:53

I'd have loved this!
If your DD accepts your offer be careful to just clean and not offer 'helpful' suggestions regarding anything to do with the running of their home.
You sound a lovely mumthanks

Coquohvan Fri 29-Mar-19 19:45:08

I do this for our daughters. A week about go in for a few hrs on Fridays give bathrooms and kitchen a good clean Hoover and dust. Never touch or go into their bedroom.
They order their food delivery for then I put it away. Means they get a stress free weekend 1 in 3

They are great daughters &SIL’s to us and are always there if we need help. Their DH treat them well.

Mumshappy Fri 29-Mar-19 19:45:11

You are a lovely mum. If i were your daughter i would be so grateful for this thoughtful offer. My mum would never do this for me. Im a single mum with 3dcs I work part time but im lucky if i get ten mins a day to myself. Im currently having them now.

Hellohah Fri 29-Mar-19 19:45:18

I would love this if my mum offered.
She often cleans when I go on holiday, and does my ironing if there is any... She comes in to feed the cats and says she likes to stay for an hour so they don't get lonely 😂😂.
I don't mind at all, unfortunately she works full time too... So wouldn't come in and clean when I'm not away.

I guess it depends on your relationship, but it's a lovely idea

mama17 Fri 29-Mar-19 19:46:27

Sounds like a lovely gesture smile

evaperonspoodle Fri 29-Mar-19 19:47:55

Quite normal in my social circle

Oh great, I'll add that to my list of things to look forward to in my retirement after I've given the dc a house deposit and free childcare grin

Twolittlebears Fri 29-Mar-19 19:50:30

My parents do something similar - not cleaning but cooking for us x2 per week. DH & I work v demanding jobs. Parents come in while we're at work and cook homemade suppers from scratch for when we get home with the DC from work / school / nursery and we all eat together. It's AMAZING! I love it. My father did say when they started "no reflection on your cooking for DC etc / we've got time / happy to do it / won't be offended if you say no".

I'm so interested that loads of you would say no / be offended. I guess it does speak to the relationship you have with you DD / SIL and how you think they'll respond.

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