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Helping your married dd

(407 Posts)
MrsCasares Fri 29-Mar-19 19:24:33

Just canvassing opinions as don’t want to be an interfering mum.

Dd and her dh both work full time. Dd gets into work about 7.30am and doesn’t finish until after 7pm. Same goes for her dh.

They have no kids yet.

Aibu to offer to come in on a Friday and clean their house (for free) so they have the weekend to relax.

I am retired so have plenty of me time.

pigsDOfly Wed 03-Apr-19 15:20:01

My exMIL was over fond of parenting her adult children.

Two of them never felt able to leave home at all because she hung on to them so tightly.

Watching an elderly woman removing the bones from the fish on the dinner plate of her 50 something, highly intelligent able bodied son before he was given it to eat is really rather chilling.

Being a good parent and having a close, loving relationship with your adult children is wonderful, I know from my own experience, but 'parenting' as such, should stop at some point when children become adults and, as pp says, the relationship changes to more of one of friendship and equality.

MsTSwift Wed 03-Apr-19 07:07:47

OMG I had an ex with a mother like that. Four sons she fussed round them sent them for naps (youngest 32) fed and skivvied. We came back from clubbing when staying at their house for the weekend and there was a cold buffet laid out for our return. They would all go to the pub while she made Sunday lunch. It was slightly horrifying

blueskiesovertheforest Wed 03-Apr-19 06:36:15

buckeejit you don't stop being a parent but you certainly should stop parenting at some point before your children reach their late 20s at least shock poor buggers...

Hazlenutpie Tue 02-Apr-19 21:23:11

I don't intend to stop parenting dc when they're grown up

They won't thank you for it. Your relationship with your adult children changes and it becomes more of a friendship on equal terms.

buckeejit Tue 02-Apr-19 21:07:52

Crikey this has gone off course.

I don't intend to stop parenting dc when they're grown up. If you have time & actually want to & dc appreciated that, then it's a wonderful thing to do. It would be much different if they asked you to do it.

I think as long as everyone is willing to speak their truth with sensitivity to others, this should be a beautiful thing. No one needs to add up what is due to anyone & you should feel free to say when it no longer suits you.

My parents are great for childcare & like to help where they can. I appreciate it. I don't think childless couples should lose parents time if they want to spend it doing something that helps their dc.

Ragwort Tue 02-Apr-19 16:03:29

Really your DM works full time AND cleans your house hmm? Don’t you feel embarrassed? I would be ashamed to accept my mother’s help in such a way, not that she would even want to do my cleaning.

I think it is quite shocking that so many working adults, without children, would be prepared to accept their mother’s help (not including the occasional bit of childcare for families where there are children, which is different)

itsmeyouknow Mon 01-Apr-19 22:20:44

god yes. If you're worried about it being awkward (some people may not like you doing their washing / bedroom - not me!) then you could offer to do their ironing.. I'd be in heaven if this was me.

Reallyevilmuffin Mon 01-Apr-19 22:03:16

My mother does this. I love it. She still works full time too though :/

caringcarer Mon 01-Apr-19 21:45:05

I know my dd would love this but i live too far away. When i visit i take her a few home cooked meals for the freezer and she can't wait tomunpack my bag to see what i brought her. Make offer but do not be offended if they say no.

Alsohuman Mon 01-Apr-19 19:58:08

OK. You win. Happy now?

KittyKel Mon 01-Apr-19 19:46:08

You will have to try and bite your tongue at times though, my mum has a habit of passing comment if this are looking untidy or we’ve not got round to DIY. Makes me regress to a stroppy teenager told off about a messy bedroom!!

KittyKel Mon 01-Apr-19 19:43:41

I work similar hours to your daughter and my mum does my cleaning but I pay her the going rate I would pay to a cleaner, it helps us both that way to avoid her feeling put upon or me expecting too much.

TatianaLarina Mon 01-Apr-19 19:40:27

Not saying recommendations aren’t valid, but you made a claim that wasn’t substantiable. There are many places with CQC Very Good ratings and some with Outstanding. The CQC rating factors into the best Care Home lists anyway.

Alsohuman Mon 01-Apr-19 19:29:54

A recommendation is worth any amount of lists. The CQC rating doesn’t count presumably? After all they’re only the experts.

TatianaLarina Mon 01-Apr-19 18:51:40

Some of us rely on local knowledge and recommendations. In that context there is a best in county which doesn’t appear on your recommended list, despite a CQC top rating. £1275 a week is £66k a year, so you might want to brush up your maths as well.

So not best in the county, just one that’s popular with the locals.

My maths is fine. Richmond Villages starts at 1275, Avery, Barchester, Signature start at 1700 in & around London and the Signature my aunt is in is 2000 a week.

Alsohuman Mon 01-Apr-19 18:26:03

Some of us rely on local knowledge and recommendations. In that context there is a best in county which doesn’t appear on your recommended list, despite a CQC top rating. £1275 a week is £66k a year, so you might want to brush up your maths as well.

TatianaLarina Mon 01-Apr-19 18:19:51

I haven’t got my glasses on it’s true - but it’s irrelevant because there’s no best in the county either. The top 20 care home awards are divided into areas of the country. The top providers are places like Signature, Richmond Villages, Audley, Avery - their fees start at around 1275 per week irrespective of what county they are in.

MillyMollyMandie Mon 01-Apr-19 18:04:39

She could be out earning money for her care home fees!

This has got to be a wind up.

Alsohuman Mon 01-Apr-19 17:52:34

@Tatiana, you may wish to brush up your reading skills - I said county, not country.

GreatDuckCookery Mon 01-Apr-19 17:43:49

No I wouldn’t need to do that formerbabe as they cope pretty well on their own. There are times however when DS will be working away for a week and DIL could do with some extra support with the GC, I will do a pick up from nursery and unload the dishwasher, feed the pets and hoover the lounge for her, sometimes get the washing off the line and fold it that sort of thing.

It helps her out and I have lots of spare time so don’t begrudge it or feel out on. She helps me out in other ways so it’s give and take.

MsTSwift Mon 01-Apr-19 17:40:04

Still can’t get my head round this and racked brains know a lot of people and my mum has legions of friends none of them clean their kids houses. It’s such a weird concept I just don’t think it happens in reality

formerbabe Mon 01-Apr-19 17:38:18


Helping as a one off or in difficult circumstances is one thing, but would you really go round once a week to clean the home of your healthy, non disabled, childfree son or daughter?

GreatDuckCookery Mon 01-Apr-19 17:35:49

Hmm see you ignored the comment about someone not having a DH.

There’s nothing wrong with me, thanks all the same. Just that I would and do offer a hand when I can see my adult DC struggling sometimes.

TatianaLarina Mon 01-Apr-19 17:34:49

For the love of god, these are perfectly healthy adults we’re talking about! What is wrong with you people?

It’s truly bizarre.

MariaNovella Mon 01-Apr-19 17:34:15

I think a couple where both work needs to outsource some domestic labour, or else it ends up falling disproportionately on the female partner and she ends getting lumped with it long term as it increases with DC. It’s a good habit to budget for domestic help.

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