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Helping your married dd

(407 Posts)
MrsCasares Fri 29-Mar-19 19:24:33

Just canvassing opinions as don’t want to be an interfering mum.

Dd and her dh both work full time. Dd gets into work about 7.30am and doesn’t finish until after 7pm. Same goes for her dh.

They have no kids yet.

Aibu to offer to come in on a Friday and clean their house (for free) so they have the weekend to relax.

I am retired so have plenty of me time.

bitchfromhell Fri 29-Mar-19 19:26:06

God yes offer! If she declines I'll send you my address grin

Stinkytoe Fri 29-Mar-19 19:26:46

What a lovely Mum! I’d be over the moon if someone offered me this.

SoHotADragonRetired Fri 29-Mar-19 19:27:22

I... Would be careful about that one. It's a kind thought but I wouldn't want my mother up in my business cleaning my house and if she offered it would feel like an implied judgement. A lot obviously depends on the relationship with her but most married adults want and need some degree of separation from their parents, and having your mother offer to clean your house is quite... A lot.

If they both work those hours, hopefully they have good salaries and could afford a cleaner if they wanted?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Fri 29-Mar-19 19:27:29

Quite normal in my social circle.

Crazyhairymary Fri 29-Mar-19 19:28:02

That’s fine. She will snap tour hands off!

Are you hoping the relaxing may speed up the grandchild grin

LaurieMarlow Fri 29-Mar-19 19:28:42

Wow what a lovely gesture

RedPanda2 Fri 29-Mar-19 19:29:58

My MIL used to do this and i hated it. It's a nice thought but also a massive invasion

Ragwort Fri 29-Mar-19 19:30:08

No I wouldn’t, obviously it depends on your relationship with your DD &, more importantly, your DSIL. It sounds a bit patronising to me & wanting to be over involved in your DD’s life.

Surely now you are retired it is the time to start doing things for yourself, finding new hobbies & interests, not doing other people’s cleaning hmm. I am probably around your age, not retired yet sadly, but no way would I be spending my time cleaning for my adult DS.

Misty999 Fri 29-Mar-19 19:30:09

Yes of course I would love that.

HeathRobinson Fri 29-Mar-19 19:30:22

I would have said no. Nice thought, but too intrusive for me.

JustHereForThePooStories Fri 29-Mar-19 19:30:37

If I was your daughter, I’d love this. If I was your son-in-law, I’d hate this.

RedSkyLastNight Fri 29-Mar-19 19:30:54

Depends on your relationship. I wouldn't be happy with my mother doing this.

PurpleDaisies Fri 29-Mar-19 19:31:49

I’d hate my mum/mil cleaning my house but it’s a lovely thought. Could you pay for a cleaner instead?

Alsohuman Fri 29-Mar-19 19:31:51

Another one in the queue to snap your hand off if she says no. What a kind offer.

boredboredboredboredbored Fri 29-Mar-19 19:31:57

Hell yes I'd bite your hand off!

AJPTaylor Fri 29-Mar-19 19:32:10

Ask her. Say you'd like to go a quick go round the kitchen and vaccum/dust the lounge but understand if they don't want it.

MrsCasares Fri 29-Mar-19 19:32:24

They have talked about getting a cleaner. Just thought I would save them some money (and I also love cleaning). Sad, I know.

Theworldisfullofgs Fri 29-Mar-19 19:32:37

Please would you adopt me? Both me and DH are parent less - adult orphans. We have kids and pets though...

Definitely offer....just dont go through their stuff. I'm sure you wouldn't.

Disfordarkchocolate Fri 29-Mar-19 19:32:45

It that situation i would have said yes, but perhaps on a Thursday night and asked you to stay for tea.

Whatever you suggest just be clear with what's she's comfortable for you to do, for example, she may not want you to change her sheets or wash her underwear.

JazzyBBG Fri 29-Mar-19 19:32:49

The one time my mum did this for me I was so grateful and so relaxed I got pregnant that weekend 😂

SparklyLeprechaun Fri 29-Mar-19 19:33:02

Sorry, but I would hate that. Really interfering. Firstly, I would take it as a criticism of our home cleanliness, secondly I'm an adult and can manage my own home.

cestlavielife Fri 29-Mar-19 19:33:11

Why would you when you could be doing something fun for you?
Tell your ddto pay a cleaner

purpleme12 Fri 29-Mar-19 19:33:12

Well if it was me I'd take it as a criticism that my house was messy. But don't know if that's just to me or my mum or what...

CupoTeap Fri 29-Mar-19 19:33:33

Ah I would love it but don't push it or get offended if they say no

Lyricallie Fri 29-Mar-19 19:33:43

I’m 26, marrying my fiancé next year. I would be mortified if my mum did this. We both work full time etc. I would feel like I would have to tidy before she came over whereas when it just me and my fiancé we can just ignore mess until we deal with it. I wouldn’t want my mum coming in and looking at our dinner plates from the night before etc. I would feel judged. It would be 100% worse if it was my MIL, so even if your daughter would consider it, think of your SonIL too.

AnnieMay100 Fri 29-Mar-19 19:33:52

Some people would say yes to avoiding seeming rude or ungrateful, but only you know your daughter and if she’d appreciate it. Perhaps offer to clean when you go and visit them ‘so they can sit down and have a break’ then offer to make it regular. It’s a lovely thoughtful offer.

Letthemysterybe Fri 29-Mar-19 19:34:16

Lovely to offer. Personally I’d rather pay for a cleaner but I’m funny about my privacy. Though to be honest, in the days before children, when I worked long hours, my house didn’t get that messy and didn’t take long to clean! Maybe you could offer to help and give some different options, like clean/iron/do clothes washing/cook a lasagne/wait in for a food delivery. I definitely would have said yes if my mother or MIL had offered to do a load of ironing each week!

Ploppymoodypants Fri 29-Mar-19 19:35:06

Hmmmm, OP you sound lovely and it’s undpubta a kind and generous gesture.

However my MIL used to try and let herself in and do this, and it really upset me as she moved things about about generally made me feel like I was coming home to things being all different. MIL is really lovely by the way and wasn’t in anyway trying to interfere or be too involved. I can’t really explain but it just made me feel like my home wasn’t my sanctuary any more.

So maybe have a chat with her and offer. Make it clear you aren’t implying that the house is dirty or her standards are not up to scratch. Just that you are a lovely mum and want to help.

You do sound lovely BTW 😊

NoParticularPattern Fri 29-Mar-19 19:36:07

I think it depends on how your daughter would view it. You might just think that you’re offering to give yourself something to do etc etc but wouldnyour daughter be likely to see it as you thinking that her house is a tip? I mean I’d be delighted if my mum offers to clean our house, but some people would think it was that the person offering was trying to get a sky dig in

Cannyhandleit Fri 29-Mar-19 19:36:29

If they say no can you come to my house instead??

Merryoldgoat Fri 29-Mar-19 19:36:40

I need a mum! You can clean my house!

I think it’s a lovely offer but if they feel uncomfortable don’t push it.

blueskiesovertheforest Fri 29-Mar-19 19:36:58

It depends on your relationship with both of them and how you offer - if it will be perceived as judgemental don't, but if it's "your house is spotless but I feel sad that you two get no down time, and I've plenty..." then yes.

However

Don't suggest to your DD that you're helping her specifically as that implies you think she should be doing or does all the housework! Where's her husband in this!

Science9 Fri 29-Mar-19 19:37:04

This is so nice! I would love it smile

TrendyNorthLondonTeen Fri 29-Mar-19 19:37:56

It wouldn't sit right with me tbh.

DramaAlpaca Fri 29-Mar-19 19:38:27

As others have said, it depends on your relationship. If my mother offered to do that (which she wouldn't) I would decline as I don't want her alone in my house. That probably sounds awful, but she used to snoop in my room when I lived at home.

My young adult sons share a flat together & no way would I offer to do the cleaning for them - though they'd probably accept if I did as that would mean they didn't have to do it grin

cptartapp Fri 29-Mar-19 19:38:31

God no. Boundaries. Have some pride.

MrsCasares Fri 29-Mar-19 19:38:51

No I won’t push it. They just look so tired working those hours, and I can remember what it’s like working full time then having to do the cleaning.

Mammajay Fri 29-Mar-19 19:40:28

Lovely idea

MariaNovella Fri 29-Mar-19 19:40:42

I would absolutely hate this!

However, offering to do your DD’s washing/ironing in your own home, or preparing some meals for her to reheat in the evening, would be helpful and far less invasive.

ChrisPrattsFace Fri 29-Mar-19 19:40:44

I wouldn’t like this. From my mum or mil - too intrusive for me!
Depends on your relationship I guess!

GreatDuckCookery Fri 29-Mar-19 19:41:09

Just ask her and say you won’t be offended if she doesn’t want it. It’s very kind of you OP.

MeteorGarden92 Fri 29-Mar-19 19:42:34

Soon to be DH and I are a late 20’s/early 30’s couple, both working long hours in professional jobs.

My mum does this for us and MY GOD it’s amazing!!! We love her for it!! DP reguarly comments how wonderful it is and we do buy her little thank you gifts (offered to pay her but she refused).

Xxx definitely offer!!! It’ll cement your place in their house and feel more natural if you help out when they do have kids xxx

llangennith Fri 29-Mar-19 19:44:53

I'd have loved this!
If your DD accepts your offer be careful to just clean and not offer 'helpful' suggestions regarding anything to do with the running of their home.
You sound a lovely mumthanks

Coquohvan Fri 29-Mar-19 19:45:08

I do this for our daughters. A week about go in for a few hrs on Fridays give bathrooms and kitchen a good clean Hoover and dust. Never touch or go into their bedroom.
They order their food delivery for then I put it away. Means they get a stress free weekend 1 in 3

They are great daughters &SIL’s to us and are always there if we need help. Their DH treat them well.

Mumshappy Fri 29-Mar-19 19:45:11

You are a lovely mum. If i were your daughter i would be so grateful for this thoughtful offer. My mum would never do this for me. Im a single mum with 3dcs I work part time but im lucky if i get ten mins a day to myself. Im currently having them now.

Hellohah Fri 29-Mar-19 19:45:18

I would love this if my mum offered.
She often cleans when I go on holiday, and does my ironing if there is any... She comes in to feed the cats and says she likes to stay for an hour so they don't get lonely 😂😂.
I don't mind at all, unfortunately she works full time too... So wouldn't come in and clean when I'm not away.

I guess it depends on your relationship, but it's a lovely idea

mama17 Fri 29-Mar-19 19:46:27

Sounds like a lovely gesture smile

evaperonspoodle Fri 29-Mar-19 19:47:55

Quite normal in my social circle

Oh great, I'll add that to my list of things to look forward to in my retirement after I've given the dc a house deposit and free childcare grin

Twolittlebears Fri 29-Mar-19 19:50:30

My parents do something similar - not cleaning but cooking for us x2 per week. DH & I work v demanding jobs. Parents come in while we're at work and cook homemade suppers from scratch for when we get home with the DC from work / school / nursery and we all eat together. It's AMAZING! I love it. My father did say when they started "no reflection on your cooking for DC etc / we've got time / happy to do it / won't be offended if you say no".

I'm so interested that loads of you would say no / be offended. I guess it does speak to the relationship you have with you DD / SIL and how you think they'll respond.

anniehm Fri 29-Mar-19 19:51:07

The only problem is it may imply that you think that their home is dirty. Rather than offer outright, maybe offering to help them in a practical way as they work so hard and come up with 2-3 things, they may take you up on it without causing offence then

ssd Fri 29-Mar-19 19:52:33

What a kind thought

I'd say to her 'I'd like to help you out if I can, I'm free on Fridays and I'd be happy to pop round and do a bit of cleaning or ironing, save you both doing it at the weekend'

Hazlenutpie Fri 29-Mar-19 19:53:35

I'd find something else to do with your well earned retirement.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc Fri 29-Mar-19 19:53:40

Aww how lovely

ssd Fri 29-Mar-19 19:54:03

Twolittlebears now that is the ultimate in help, I'd actually kill for that!!!

Kahlua4me Fri 29-Mar-19 19:55:08

What an amazing mum you are! My mum used to help us whenever we needed it. And my friends mil does their ironing every week- friend takes it over on a Thursday and collects on the Sunday. Works really well.

Please do offer and then leave them to decide.

JaceLancs Fri 29-Mar-19 19:56:36

I would have loved it!
My parents never helped with anything
DD cleans for me but I do pay her going rate
SIL helped out with cooking an occasional meal if I was ill or when DC were little as I was a lone parent - that was very much appreciated

Chickoletta Fri 29-Mar-19 19:57:56

I understand your kind intentions but I would hate this and would probably also see the offer as an implied criticism.

amusedbush Fri 29-Mar-19 20:00:36

My mum is an arsehole and I hate cleaning. Can you be my new mum, please? grin

GreatDuckCookery Fri 29-Mar-19 20:00:43

I understand your kind intentions but I would hate this and would probably also see the offer as an implied criticism

What even from your mum? MIL yes I can see why some wouldn’t like it but your mum has your back surely?

Myextensionisgivingmeaheadache Fri 29-Mar-19 20:01:05

Such a lovely offer! 100% yes from me. Although definitely offer in a way that can’t be construed as ‘your house is a pit’ wink

I’d definitely do this for mine when they’re older if I wasn’t a complete slattern.

OneDayillSleep Fri 29-Mar-19 20:01:53

My mother in law offered to do this, I said absolutely no way. Obviously it’s a totally different thing mil vs mum, although I’d still say no to my mum. I found it would make my mil over involved and I couldn’t stand the thought of her finding private things she isn’t meant to see. It’s also quite rude and suggests you think they need help cleaning as their house is a mess.

Your daughter might love it though.

deste Fri 29-Mar-19 20:02:44

My DD would accept me doing it. I look after her baby and her dog, I wash and iron her bedding. She washes her clothes but I dry them and fold them up. In fact cleaning is the only thing I don’t do for her. Did I mention was tired and of course I have my own house to look after.

littledoll33 Fri 29-Mar-19 20:05:06

@MrsCasares

The world would be a better place with more people like you OP, and MOTHERS like you. What a sweetheart you sound. flowers

I get that some people may think 'hmmm is this my mother hinting my house is mucky?!' but many people would love this. I mean, the fact they are looking for a cleaner suggests they would like the help. So yeah just ask if they would like your help. Maybe private message her via facebook or something, so she is not put 'on the spot' and has time to think of an excuse if she wants to say no...

I have a friend who looks after her daughter's little girl while she is at work, (a very busy professional job,) and she does her washing and ironing, and her shopping, and dusts and hoovers the house a few times a week. Her daughter says she is a GODSEND and makes her life so much easier. (My friend doesn't charge her daughter anything even though her daughter has offered. She says she loves to look after her grandaughter and is happy to tidy up and so on...)

MintyCedric Fri 29-Mar-19 20:05:36

My mum used to do this for me. It was bloody marvellous!

Yabbers Fri 29-Mar-19 20:05:58

It's a kind thought but I wouldn't want my mother up in my business cleaning my house and if she offered it would feel like an implied judgement
Because houses never need cleaning? How is it judging to offer to clean the house once a week?

OP, I’d take my mum up on an offer like that, in fact, I’d bite her hand off!

Skypatrol Fri 29-Mar-19 20:10:51

I'd absolutely love it if my mum did this.

OxeyeDaisy Fri 29-Mar-19 20:11:22

@MrsCasares both myself and my partner both work full time with long hours and recently my mum offered to help us. A couple of baskets of ironing one week another she popped in while we were at work and cleaned up for us.

She only did downstairs and didn’t go into our bedroom. But your right it was lovely to come home and it be done and relax.

Ask your daughter what she thinks and go from there

namechanger0064 Fri 29-Mar-19 20:13:04

You sound so lovely. Echoed by all the people that want you to be their mum (I would too but I have a great mum too).

I would offer. Even if they turned you down it's such a lovely gesture and shows you care x

Pinkprincess1978 Fri 29-Mar-19 20:13:15

I would love this! I know my Aunty has done this for her daughters and they appreciated it.

keepforgettingmyusername Fri 29-Mar-19 20:16:04

I would offer if it's something you would like to do, but don't be hurt if it's a no. I could never accept that kind of help from my mum, it's just too much when I'm perfectly capable of cleaning my own house.

HollowTalk Fri 29-Mar-19 20:17:28

It all depends on the relationship you have with your daughter and her husband.

It's a lovely thought.

countrygirl99 Fri 29-Mar-19 20:19:02

I'm struggling , would you like my address?

Ithinkmycatisevil Fri 29-Mar-19 20:21:25

Will you be my mum?

InfiniteCurve Fri 29-Mar-19 20:21:29

I would offer but be prepared to be completely unbothered and never mention it again if she says no smile
It's a lovely gesture!

OrangeCinnamon Fri 29-Mar-19 20:21:40

My sister's MIL does this and she finds it a great help. I'm not sure myself if I'd like it but I get anxiety over too many other things than housework. Plus I like doing mindless cleaning sometimes .

PrinceOfPies Fri 29-Mar-19 20:22:31

I would hate this.

Why can't two childless adults tidy after themselves as they go along?

If they had children it might make sense.

BambooB Fri 29-Mar-19 20:23:18

This is lovely 😍

Mummyshark2018 Fri 29-Mar-19 20:23:26

I would love it personally! But agree with others that it depends on your relationship and how they would view the offer. If the offer came from nowhere I might be offended (does she think our house is dirty?), but as they've talked about getting a cleaner then it might be ok. However, do you really want to spend your time cleaning someone else's house for free though? What do you have to gain? Sounds like they can afford a cleaner either way.

mumwon Fri 29-Mar-19 20:23:49

as per previous subject - state you wont clean the bedrooms (ie not invade private space) or re organise cupboards (unless requested!)

PurpleDaisies Fri 29-Mar-19 20:23:54

Why can't two childless adults tidy after themselves as they go along?

hmm

Because life is busy and keeping tidy doesn’t mean your floors get cleaned.

OrangeCinnamon Fri 29-Mar-19 20:24:12

But yes ...Can you be my mum ...mine is rubbish. I do have a lovely MIL though

iloveyorkshirepuds Fri 29-Mar-19 20:24:34

Yanbu
What a lovely mum you are!

PrinceOfPies Fri 29-Mar-19 20:25:02

People saying it's different if it's your morher and not your mil... She IS the dh's mother in law.

PrinceOfPies Fri 29-Mar-19 20:26:01

Because life is busy and keeping tidy doesn’t mean your floors get cleaned.

Yes, it does for normal people.

sleepylittlebunnies Fri 29-Mar-19 20:26:28

This sort of help is also quite usual in my social circle too. I suppose we are working class so nobody has much money to spare so families help each other out by doing. I don’t personally know anyone who uses a cleaner or a laundry service.

My parents and PIL did part time childcare when DC were little, still cover a couple of hours early morning once a week when we have shifts that overlap. They do a meal and wash the dishes, fold laundry etc. My mum enjoys ironing so did all our ironing pre DC until youngest started school, will do clothes mending and alterations. DPIL have helped with decorating and gardening. They all helped a bit when DC were born. DMum stocked our freezer with home cooked food. DSIS stayed for a week to help out when DC2 was born. They will all check on the house when we are on holiday and DMum will do a clean, take washing home and stock the fridge with essentials for our return.

If any of them were bored enough to offer to do our cleaning then we wouldn’t take offence and would be happy with the help. None of them are judgemental or nosey and apparently are not that bored.

It is also very normal in our social circle to look after elderly parents and relatives. Either with similar help shopping, cleaning, cooking or with personal care like bathing and dressing. It’s just an accepted norm to take on the care.

PurpleDaisies Fri 29-Mar-19 20:27:50

Yes, it does for normal people.

It really doesn’t. Do you know what else people have in their lives? I haven’t had one evening at home since Monday. Just because you don’t have kids doesn’t mean no responsibility or busy times.

MattMagnolia Fri 29-Mar-19 20:28:15

My Dm does this for my sister as they’re both working full time, have young kids and their house is a tip. I’m too far away to help. Dm says she rarely gets thanked and doubts they even notice she’s been there.
It’s great that families help each other but not take the help for granted.

PrinceOfPies Fri 29-Mar-19 20:29:01

I think it's terribly sad that you have this time to do anything you want and youre going to use it to clean up your son in law's miss fires in the toilet.

If your daughter was 17 and in school fulltime people would say you need to cut the cord and let her be an adult.

She and dh can clean their own home.

Learn a language. Join a club, learn to salsa. Join tinder.

Don't clean their house

Cookit Fri 29-Mar-19 20:29:13

OK I would find it very weird if my Mum or MIL wanted to do this.

I feel like as an adult it’s my responsibility to clean or to get a cleaner. Having my Mum or MIL as a cleaner would be weird. I also wouldn’t like at all the idea of my Mum or MIL alone in my house that much, tidying away bills and documents and putting away my underwear and things.

SilverySurfer Fri 29-Mar-19 20:29:17

I agree with PrinceOfPies - how much housework can there be with two adults who are out of the house all day? An hour each over the weekend and the job's done.

PrinceOfPies Fri 29-Mar-19 20:31:11

Well if you havent been home purple your house shouldn't be dirty, should it.

Two adults can tidy a home on their own.

saraclara Fri 29-Mar-19 20:32:00

I'd hate it. But I think this is a hugely individual thing, based on the relationship and the personalities. I like my privacy, and my mum iw the last person I'd want in my house rummaging around.

But - if you said to you daughter "you two have so little down time together. Is there anything I can do to help you with the tedious chores?
You're welcome to give me your ironing to do, for instance. I have all the time in the world, and you're so busy" I'm sure she'd be delighted. And you can go from there to find out what would help them most.

PurpleDaisies Fri 29-Mar-19 20:32:30

Well if you havent been home purple your house shouldn't be dirty, should it.

Of course. Neither of us use the bathroom, the kitchen, walk through the house, slept in the bed, use any cutlery, wear any clothes...,

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld Fri 29-Mar-19 20:33:09

You sound lovely OP, BUT I think parents doing this for their adult DC (with the exception of DCs witth illnesses or other additional needs or pregnancy etc.) really cringey and a bit of an indictment on modern parenting to be honest. You said yourself that you worked and still managed to chores etc. so why are DD and her DH not capable of doing the same? Our jobs are to raise functioning adults who can deal with life. Working and house work are part of life, unless you have ££££ or are a member of the RF.

I know a woman who does similar for her DD and son in law, tthey have a baby and the DD just cannot cope with any normal activity, because she's never had to. She's always asking her DPs to sort everything and it's like her, the husband and the child are her parents children, but playing at being grown ups. It's very odd.

OhTheRoses Fri 29-Mar-19 20:36:56

If my mum offered to do this it would be proof there were unicorns and mermaids. I did once ask her to help when I was ill and the dc were small but she had a hairdresser's apt the next day.

TBF she taught me to expect to subcontract cleaning. If your dd says no op and you really love cleaning £12ph for three hours twice a week if you have a KT postcode?

hen10 Fri 29-Mar-19 20:39:32

My parents do this for us and we are extremely grateful. We have two DCs, 17 and 15 and we are both out of the house 7-6.30 every day. It frees up our weekend to do stuff other than housework - they clean up, do the washing and sort out the garden in the summer. I make sure there's no underwear to wash (yuk), and they put the clean clothes on the bed, rather than back in the drawers. We've had a few issues when they have expressed exasperation at our untidiness, but we're talked it out and they come voluntarily to help us out. I hope I can do the same for my children when they are older. We come from a working class background and my dad's mum used to do the same for them when I was little and my grandparents looked after us when they were all at work.

PrinceOfPies Fri 29-Mar-19 20:40:11

Of course. Neither of us use the bathroom, the kitchen, walk through the house, slept in the bed, use any cutlery, wear any clothe

So you were home? If between two adults you can't clean up after yourselves.and run a load of washing that doesn't mean you need another woman to give her free labour. It means you need to act like big kids now. My kids manage it.

Iflyaway Fri 29-Mar-19 20:41:21

God no!

Find a new passion, take up a hobby, get a life!!

I would be mortified if my mother came in to clean my house, never mind having to make sure my house is "respectable" for outsiders before leaving for work.

If I leave a bunch of papers or clothes strewn around I want them to be there when I come home.

I would be even more embarrassed if it was a MIL.

I would also wonder what the "pay-back" would be down the line. Have her move in with us eventually when needing care?

As my dad used to say "There is no free lunch".

PurpleDaisies Fri 29-Mar-19 20:42:55

So you were home? If between two adults you can't clean up after yourselves.and run a load of washing that doesn't mean you need another woman to give her free labour.

Read my posts. I never said the op should do this. I said I’d hate my mil/mum to clean for me. I pay a cleaner a good wage.

Do you not wash in the morning? Do you not eat breakfast? Can you not imagine that someone who has been out all evening might come home and eat before bed?

You know nothing about my life. You know nothing about how busy I am.

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