To move back to my shitty home town and hope it'll be OK?(35 Posts)
I'm in a huge quandary. Relationship is on its very last legs, 1dc and pg with dc 2.
We live in an expensive place with no help from in laws as they all work, so pay for all childcare etc.
My home town is cheap, so my half of the settlement would be a 50% deposit on a reasonable home for me and dc. My mother is due to retire and would happily provide childcare for me to work.
But, home town is a bit shit. Very small minded, left as soon as I could. I worry I'd be lonely and struggle to make friends etc. Dc would very probably be happy there though, it's not a totally awful place.
So AIBU to move "home" for practical reasons and try to make it work?
In your shoes, I would do it. Even if the home town is a bit shit, there will be some.nicer parts - perhaps you can move to one of those?
I come from a crappy Northern town which has a poor rep nationally but actually, I am very happy here, as are my family. I live in a nice part and ds has a nice school to go to.
As a nurse, you won't struggle for work so that's a positive and you can always move later if you want. Having support from your mum is a massive positive.
Good luck, whatever you decide.
The relationship they have with grandparents and the benefits of having family and support nearby out weighs any need to move away for me
This times 1 million. ^^
Dh and I have both lived elsewhere before we got together.
Our town is quite the shithole tbh, but there are some nice areas and there is a lot of regen going on at the moment and our travel links are excellent.
Plus all our family and friends are here and even if we won the lottery, we would probably stay here because of family.
I should add to my scenario, near parents but no childcare, the opposite, so that is massive that you'll be getting that. Best of luck.
We moved back to our home town. It’s a small market town. Decent schools and what you’d call naice but I never wanted to move back. We did because my parents live here and we have two young children both who have disabilities. It wouldn’t be my choice but it’s not a dump. As long as it’s safe, reasonable schools family support is invaluable.
I fought tooth and nail to not move back to where I grew up. I put the money into a rental property so that I wasn’t off the ladder and the money being inflated away in a cheapish area and then used the profit towards renting somewhere decent. You have to be creative sometimes. I have an su pair for childcare and it works well.
I am not sure I would buy to begin with. I moved back, and hate it. We didn't buy and will be moving into a caravan at my parents place to add to our savings so we can buy somewhere different.
I left the town at 18 and was never returning. I really wish I hadn't, I struggle to make friends because those I was friends with from school all left at the same time as me, and a lot of the girls in the toddler groups etc were those that made my life hell at school and I just can't get over it, so it has been pretty isolating
I would rent for 6 months and then decide. If your feeling was to get away as soon as you could, then you might regret buying and getting stuck there.
ffs, go home. Get security for the dc. You can then work on developing a social life that meets your needs, but not in your own backyard. Think of it as your hobby, a challenge.
I would strongly advise against @evas suggestion of sorting out 50/50 etc with Ex before you make a decision. As that is you not being part of the decision. Support from family is golden. I hung around in the same town because I was thinking if my Ex and his contact. I didn’t put my child first, I didn’t put myself first. It was wasted years of my life and pretty rubbish for our kid too. There is no evidence 50/50 is better for kids.
Sort out what you need, what your child needs, these are often very, very similar. If you are happy and secure, then the child is.
If you move away does that place more responsibility on you to facilitate contact? That could be a lot of driving for the next 15 years
I wouldn't buy op. You might not be able to sell it or if you do you might loose money. Houses are staying on the market forever here. Market has really slowed. Rent or stay with your mum in the short term and see how you feel. Nothing to regret then because you can easily change things 6 months/a year down the line.
Or maybe there is a place 10/15 mins drive out that would suit you better? Mum would still be close but you wouldn't be in the actual town.
Yes. I’d move. I’d see it as a 2 year plan. Get on your feet, get support and go away on weekends your ex has them to where you’d next like to move to.
Use the time your mum gives as a chance to take very good care of yourself. Get work. Get exercise/counselling/do classes and recover.
Then build up to move number two.
I'd move back, having family on the doorstep is worth its weight in gold.
Will dh be seeking 50-50 arrangement, new baby excepted? I think there needs to be some negotiation over how contact will work and how finances will work before you make a decision.
I feel for you OP. It's a really hard decision. We moved back to my husband's town a few years ago and it's shite. BUT we have a house, the kids are happier, family are close by and invaluable. I've even made a few friends who are like-minded and I love. I make a real effort to keep up with my old friends, stayovers and holidays whenever we can. Good luck with whatever you decide x
Sorry to clarify, I have DC with now DP who are all at primary school.
I did after a break up with a boyfriend and met DP of 12 years so ended up staying.
As much as I'm not sure I would want dc to stay here, it's actually really safe and they have lots of friends who all live locally.
The relationship they have with grandparents and the benefits of having family and support nearby out weighs any need to move away for me.
It depends what you want for life for you and your children. Schools obviously are important but personally I wouldn't take ofsted reports and sat results as being too important as every school changes all the time and every year group is a different group of children so it will always be different. Do you want parks, library, Children's Centres, swimming pool, an easy to get to selection of shops that sell everyday basics etc. Think what is the most important things that you would like your children to have and decide if your home town could cover that. Pretty much every town has the basics. No town will be perfect. Town A may have a lovely modern library and fancy park but a run down shabby old swimming pool. Town B may have an awesome leisure pool but a dusty old library which is on the verge of closing down. Having family so close can do much in terms of support. Are you on Facebook? Joining local Facebook groups is a good way of seeing what is happening in the town. Facebook groups for local parents could mean you establish friendships before you even get there. You may come across people you knew from school so familar faces are nice to have.
With your family there you can also give yourself 'a life' - an evening out. Have a look on sites like meetup.com to see what social groups that you may be interested in that you could go to.
A pros and cons list may be a good idea - but don't go on old memories of that dodgy pub you used to go to or hanging out in the park when you were 13. Look at what the town is now.
Congratulations on your pg, when is baby due? Are you planning to get a job now or wait until you've had mat l eave, sure there would be plenty of agency or bank work. I'd look at renting for now, see how it all pans out, whereabouts is it? It could have changed since you lived there and be a better place for DC.
I did it and regret it. I would write down all the things you like about current place, Inc positive things for the dc, and try to imagine life without them. Would it be miserable or OK? Hometown is always there but if you're really not sure, I'd stay put.
I think I woudl rent as you left for a reason/... it also gives your mum a chance to try out the childminding for you she may find it a bit much ... as she especially if she will have 2 to look after....how old is your current DC? when will they get nursery funding...
if your nursing is shift type then having your mum to cover for shifts will beinvaluable but if you are 'daytime' nursing then there are lots of childcare options...
a plan ! for next x years til both at school with options may help you decide.... being happy where you live is important - but independence and not being stressed financially is also important
You're a nurse? So move back, get settled then you can always look to move again in the future 🔮
I would move, you don't have to stay there forever. I did this for a short period the childcare helped build my career - was able to be involved in projects that I could work late on and the financial element (saving on childcare, cheaper living costs) enabled me to build up my savings to leave and as a cushion.
I would move, little town may actually be a lot better than you think because your life is very different to when you were a teenager. Places that growing up my dh thought were grotty are actually really nice for a young family. But I would suggest staying with your mum if possible for 6 months and seeing where you want to live, perhaps quite near but not the same town!
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