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To move back to my shitty home town and hope it'll be OK?

(35 Posts)
Babysharkdododont Fri 29-Mar-19 15:20:01

I'm in a huge quandary. Relationship is on its very last legs, 1dc and pg with dc 2.
We live in an expensive place with no help from in laws as they all work, so pay for all childcare etc.
My home town is cheap, so my half of the settlement would be a 50% deposit on a reasonable home for me and dc. My mother is due to retire and would happily provide childcare for me to work.
But, home town is a bit shit. Very small minded, left as soon as I could. I worry I'd be lonely and struggle to make friends etc. Dc would very probably be happy there though, it's not a totally awful place.
So AIBU to move "home" for practical reasons and try to make it work?

boredboredboredboredbored Fri 29-Mar-19 15:22:03

I think it sounds like the best option at the minute. Are the schools ok? My home town wasn't great but we never really noticed as kids.

I think you need to consider money, support and childcare. Could you manage / would you want to anywhere else away from your home town?

Babysharkdododont Fri 29-Mar-19 15:30:37

Thanks bored. Schools are OK, probably mid table for results etc.
If I stayed where I am life would be more frantic as I'd be tied to nursery times etc, and DH often travels with work so is absent frequently.
I feel a bit mean as home is around 40 miles away so would probably rule out him popping in for mid week visits etc as he could if I was local.

Minesapineappledelight Fri 29-Mar-19 16:17:39

I'd move. So what if it is a bit dull, as long as it is safe and affordable and means security, it will work for raising small children. You can always look at moving somewhere else when they are a bit older. See it as a way to establish yourself securely during their early years.

Dragongirl10 Fri 29-Mar-19 16:24:34

I would go, you can then focus on getting your own career plans up and running , whilst having really great childcare from your DM.
Also it would be far less stress for your Dcs having their GM looking after them especially after such a difficult time for them,( and you)

You don't have to stay for ever, its sounds like a good financial decision allowing you space and time to improve your earning capacity for if you want to move later....

FizzyGreenWater Fri 29-Mar-19 16:28:57

Argh. Not sure. Be careful, once you're there and you've bought a house you're stuck.

It's weird going back. If you left because you feel it's somewhere that doesn't reflect you, isn't where you want to be, then think carefully. It's so different to moving to a new shitty place grin - it could be a real mistake.

50% of a house... is there no middle ground? Is there no Town C, in which you might only be able to put down 25% of a house because it's a bit more expensive than your hometown, but there's more opportunity, a more diverse community and you know you'd be happier?

Don't dismiss your own needs. You NEED to feel happy and positive, you're going to have a lot on your plate and you want to look forward to a life you can find enjoyment and fun in, not feel you've gone backwards. New pastures, not feelingtrapped!

There are other considerations - job opportunities, resale values of house if your circumstances change. A smaller house in a better area is ALWAYS what folk say you should go for.

QueenOfCatan Fri 29-Mar-19 16:32:11

Having done it 2.5 years ago with dh when I was pregnant with DD1, I would say don't if you can avoid it. We regret it so much, both of us became very depressed and we are very very thankful that we'll be in a position to move away in the next year at most.

QueenOfCatan Fri 29-Mar-19 16:33:59

We'll be downsizing to a flat to get out as well, but happy to pay the "out of x-Town tax" as dh calls it! You really need to consider everything before moving back and look at whether you will be happy realistically, we went back with Rose tinted glasses on thinking it was only awful in our youth, we were very wrong!

SummerHouse Fri 29-Mar-19 16:34:51

Could you stay with your mum for a month while you make up your mind?

Babysharkdododont Fri 29-Mar-19 16:42:25

Thanks for all of your opinions, it's certainly food for thought.
Fizzy I see your point about town C, but the major factor for moving is having childcare on the doorstep, so town C would be the worst of all options IYSWIM.
Maybe the best option would be to rent in hometown for 6 months and see how awful or bearable it really is.
I'm a nurse so not too worried about work opportunities, there seems to be a recruitment crisis so I'll no doubt get a decent job wherever I am thankfully.

SurgeHopper Fri 29-Mar-19 16:46:58

Yeah I'd move mate, given the circumstances

anniehm Fri 29-Mar-19 16:47:10

I would move, little town may actually be a lot better than you think because your life is very different to when you were a teenager. Places that growing up my dh thought were grotty are actually really nice for a young family. But I would suggest staying with your mum if possible for 6 months and seeing where you want to live, perhaps quite near but not the same town!

Dillydallyingthrough Fri 29-Mar-19 16:47:23

I would move, you don't have to stay there forever. I did this for a short period the childcare helped build my career - was able to be involved in projects that I could work late on and the financial element (saving on childcare, cheaper living costs) enabled me to build up my savings to leave and as a cushion.

SurgeHopper Fri 29-Mar-19 16:47:48

You're a nurse? So move back, get settled then you can always look to move again in the future 🔮

averythinline Fri 29-Mar-19 16:49:04

I think I woudl rent as you left for a reason/... it also gives your mum a chance to try out the childminding for you she may find it a bit much ... as she especially if she will have 2 to look old is your current DC? when will they get nursery funding...
if your nursing is shift type then having your mum to cover for shifts will beinvaluable but if you are 'daytime' nursing then there are lots of childcare options...

a plan ! for next x years til both at school with options may help you decide.... being happy where you live is important - but independence and not being stressed financially is also important

mikado1 Fri 29-Mar-19 16:49:09

I did it and regret it. I would write down all the things you like about current place, Inc positive things for the dc, and try to imagine life without them. Would it be miserable or OK? Hometown is always there but if you're really not sure, I'd stay put.

wigglypiggly Fri 29-Mar-19 16:55:34

Congratulations on your pg, when is baby due? Are you planning to get a job now or wait until you've had mat l eave, sure there would be plenty of agency or bank work. I'd look at renting for now, see how it all pans out, whereabouts is it? It could have changed since you lived there and be a better place for DC.

bookmum08 Fri 29-Mar-19 16:56:29

It depends what you want for life for you and your children. Schools obviously are important but personally I wouldn't take ofsted reports and sat results as being too important as every school changes all the time and every year group is a different group of children so it will always be different. Do you want parks, library, Children's Centres, swimming pool, an easy to get to selection of shops that sell everyday basics etc. Think what is the most important things that you would like your children to have and decide if your home town could cover that. Pretty much every town has the basics. No town will be perfect. Town A may have a lovely modern library and fancy park but a run down shabby old swimming pool. Town B may have an awesome leisure pool but a dusty old library which is on the verge of closing down. Having family so close can do much in terms of support. Are you on Facebook? Joining local Facebook groups is a good way of seeing what is happening in the town. Facebook groups for local parents could mean you establish friendships before you even get there. You may come across people you knew from school so familar faces are nice to have.
With your family there you can also give yourself 'a life' - an evening out. Have a look on sites like to see what social groups that you may be interested in that you could go to.
A pros and cons list may be a good idea - but don't go on old memories of that dodgy pub you used to go to or hanging out in the park when you were 13. Look at what the town is now.

backinaminute Fri 29-Mar-19 17:01:26

I did after a break up with a boyfriend and met DP of 12 years so ended up staying.

As much as I'm not sure I would want dc to stay here, it's actually really safe and they have lots of friends who all live locally.

The relationship they have with grandparents and the benefits of having family and support nearby out weighs any need to move away for me.

backinaminute Fri 29-Mar-19 17:02:02

Sorry to clarify, I have DC with now DP who are all at primary school.

Firstworddinosaur Fri 29-Mar-19 17:03:34

I feel for you OP. It's a really hard decision. We moved back to my husband's town a few years ago and it's shite. BUT we have a house, the kids are happier, family are close by and invaluable. I've even made a few friends who are like-minded and I love. I make a real effort to keep up with my old friends, stayovers and holidays whenever we can. Good luck with whatever you decide x

EvaHarknessRose Fri 29-Mar-19 17:07:07

Will dh be seeking 50-50 arrangement, new baby excepted? I think there needs to be some negotiation over how contact will work and how finances will work before you make a decision.

brizzlemint Fri 29-Mar-19 17:22:19

I'd move back, having family on the doorstep is worth its weight in gold.

Orangecookie Fri 29-Mar-19 17:23:58

Yes. I’d move. I’d see it as a 2 year plan. Get on your feet, get support and go away on weekends your ex has them to where you’d next like to move to.

Use the time your mum gives as a chance to take very good care of yourself. Get work. Get exercise/counselling/do classes and recover.

Then build up to move number two.

septembersunshine Fri 29-Mar-19 17:24:33

I wouldn't buy op. You might not be able to sell it or if you do you might loose money. Houses are staying on the market forever here. Market has really slowed. Rent or stay with your mum in the short term and see how you feel. Nothing to regret then because you can easily change things 6 months/a year down the line.

Or maybe there is a place 10/15 mins drive out that would suit you better? Mum would still be close but you wouldn't be in the actual town.

flitwit99 Fri 29-Mar-19 17:27:44

If you move away does that place more responsibility on you to facilitate contact? That could be a lot of driving for the next 15 years

Orangecookie Fri 29-Mar-19 17:30:17

I would strongly advise against @evas suggestion of sorting out 50/50 etc with Ex before you make a decision. As that is you not being part of the decision. Support from family is golden. I hung around in the same town because I was thinking if my Ex and his contact. I didn’t put my child first, I didn’t put myself first. It was wasted years of my life and pretty rubbish for our kid too. There is no evidence 50/50 is better for kids.

Sort out what you need, what your child needs, these are often very, very similar. If you are happy and secure, then the child is.

PlasticPatty Fri 29-Mar-19 17:32:32

ffs, go home. Get security for the dc. You can then work on developing a social life that meets your needs, but not in your own backyard. Think of it as your hobby, a challenge.

HopefulAgain10 Fri 29-Mar-19 17:34:52

I would rent for 6 months and then decide. If your feeling was to get away as soon as you could, then you might regret buying and getting stuck there.

DIZZYTIGGER87 Fri 29-Mar-19 17:35:50

I am not sure I would buy to begin with. I moved back, and hate it. We didn't buy and will be moving into a caravan at my parents place to add to our savings so we can buy somewhere different.

I left the town at 18 and was never returning. I really wish I hadn't, I struggle to make friends because those I was friends with from school all left at the same time as me, and a lot of the girls in the toddler groups etc were those that made my life hell at school and I just can't get over it, so it has been pretty isolating

Inliverpool1 Fri 29-Mar-19 17:36:30

I fought tooth and nail to not move back to where I grew up. I put the money into a rental property so that I wasn’t off the ladder and the money being inflated away in a cheapish area and then used the profit towards renting somewhere decent. You have to be creative sometimes. I have an su pair for childcare and it works well.

KateGrey Fri 29-Mar-19 17:44:09

We moved back to our home town. It’s a small market town. Decent schools and what you’d call naice but I never wanted to move back. We did because my parents live here and we have two young children both who have disabilities. It wouldn’t be my choice but it’s not a dump. As long as it’s safe, reasonable schools family support is invaluable.

mikado1 Fri 29-Mar-19 18:30:46

I should add to my scenario, near parents but no childcare, the opposite, so that is massive that you'll be getting that. Best of luck.

PositiveVibez Fri 29-Mar-19 18:39:25

The relationship they have with grandparents and the benefits of having family and support nearby out weighs any need to move away for me

This times 1 million. ^^

Dh and I have both lived elsewhere before we got together.

Our town is quite the shithole tbh, but there are some nice areas and there is a lot of regen going on at the moment and our travel links are excellent.

Plus all our family and friends are here and even if we won the lottery, we would probably stay here because of family.

PumpkinPie2016 Fri 29-Mar-19 18:51:03

In your shoes, I would do it. Even if the home town is a bit shit, there will be some.nicer parts - perhaps you can move to one of those?

I come from a crappy Northern town which has a poor rep nationally but actually, I am very happy here, as are my family. I live in a nice part and ds has a nice school to go to.

As a nurse, you won't struggle for work so that's a positive and you can always move later if you want. Having support from your mum is a massive positive.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

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