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To ask what phrase ended your marriage?

(203 Posts)
SealySal Fri 29-Mar-19 13:57:09

My H recently laughed and said “You wore that? The 90’s want their jacket back hahaha”

Background: I used to have a senior and very well paid job. After DD1 was born, I decided to be a SAHM (H fully in agreement and he earns a very good income so no financial pressure). Main reason was that where we live the maternity leave entitlement was very short and I would have had to go back after 3 months, leaving a tiny baby with a stranger. Since then, 4 years have passed and we’ve since had another DD. She’s 10 months old.

A month ago, an old recruiter contact got in touch and asked if I would meet them to discuss a potential role. I was quite excited!! I miss my old self.

Through my own fault (eating too much), I’m 3 stone heavier than I used to be. None of my lovely old work clothes fit, so I ordered some work clothes online that would be suitable for an interview (good high street brand, not very expensive) and thought I looked quite nice. I’m ebf at the moment, so I started to pump milk and arranged a babysitter.

After I’d had the meeting (commute into the city), I rushed home, paid the babysitter and got on with feeding the baby, picking up DD1 from nursery, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, getting both DC bathed and to sleep. Over dinner that night, H pointed at my new jacket on the chair and said “You wore that? The 90’s want their jacket back hahaha. People don’t dress like that anymore”.

I’d worn a black shift dress and a black and white check jacket. Both size 14 and fitted well. My heart broke.

I looked at him and thought, I don’t like you. I’ve made my excuses to the recruiter and pulled out of the interview process. I need to try to regroup my thoughts, which is difficult, as I’m exhausted. I’ve done every night shift in forever and I’ve got PND. I know I can get back to my old self and will work towards that.

Is it crazy to think a sentence can end a marriage?

[Also, I know this is a AIBU board and people can sometimes be quite nasty. Someone will definitely say “first time poster”, but I’ve actually been a member since 2013 and this is a new account with a new email address, so that it isn’t linked to shared passwords with H]

willowmelangell Fri 29-Mar-19 14:51:26

I absolutely get this. For me, oddly enough, it was my FIL sneering at my lovely MILs outfit at a family party. In that chilling moment I saw where my H had learned his stock of put-downs and 'jokes' from. I knew then with certainty that I could not put up with another 50 years of sly digs aimed at knocking my confidence. To quote a MNer from a while back, I 'got my shit in a sock' and within 3 months I was gone and within 10 months, divorced.
This Mother's Day, give yourself a gift. A list to 'get your shit in a sock', a financial plan and a career plan.
Good luck x x

MissConductUS Fri 29-Mar-19 15:00:57

Career wear styles don't really change that much. A simple jacket from the 90's wouldn't be radically different from today.

It was a thoughtless, twatish remark, but he probably thought he was being clever and witty.

Mermaidkisses Fri 29-Mar-19 15:04:48

The phrase that ended my marriage was "you never support me! ... throughout our 26 year marriage all I did was support him, to the point that when his business failed and suppliers threatened to knee cap him I let him sell our family home to pay them, effectively making me and our 2 boys homeless ...

villagesecret Fri 29-Mar-19 15:06:07

Daddy, don't hit mummy 😢

Lllot5 Fri 29-Mar-19 15:06:12

Mine flicked water in my face just a little but we were in company and I was humiliated. Definitely beginning of the end. All sorts of other issues came bubbling up less than a year later I ended the marriage.

SealySal Fri 29-Mar-19 15:11:38

Thank you for all of your advice and encouragement. After the meeting, I called the recruiter and used the excuse that it was a bit soon with the baby, but I’m going to call her again on Monday and say that my little one is in a good routine a month on and now I want to throw my hat in the ring again (even if it is a different opportunity to the one we discussed)! I have to believe in myself first and I know I looked smart, even if it was a bit frumpy.

It isn’t a comment in isolation that’s upset me. I felt a definite switch flip in my head though as soon as I’d processed H’s comment. I can’t imagine actually trying to hurt someone like that.

I know it was intended to put me down. We’ve been together a very long time (since uni) and he knows I do focus on how I look and that I feel very uncertain at the moment.

Back when I was working, I was more senior than him (and very independent). Whilst he seemed proud, there was always an issue where he would constantly (always) turn down any attempts at intimacy if I initiated it. I never felt attractive, even though I knew I was (sorry, I really don’t mean that to sound boastful). I think he was making a subliminal effort to make sure I didn’t get too big for my boots!

Now I’m much larger, very tired and have made no attempts to be intimate with him, he’s now presumably needed to find a different put down in the form of hurtful words.

Thank you again. I don’t want to waffle on, but will be making a big effort to move onwards and upwards 😊

SoHotADragonRetired Fri 29-Mar-19 15:17:34

Good luck OP - you can do it - get yourself a great job again and that will do wonders for your confidence and independence. Then you can make your move to get out of this marriage.

I would be as quiet as possible about all this though, because I would lay my last penny that your H will overtly or covertly undermine any move you make that takes you out of his power. Go a bit "grey rock" and try to be boring. Chat about your SAHM activities and don't mention your new job until you've accepted it and got the childcare lined up.

MissConductUS Fri 29-Mar-19 15:18:53

It also sounds like he could feel a bit threatened by the idea of you rejoining the workforce. Perhaps it's that you'd have your own income again, maybe it's concern that he'll have to pitch in more with the baby. Whatever it is, he likes things the way they are now.

I'm sure the jacket looked fine.

Whatthefoxgoingon Fri 29-Mar-19 15:23:58

Your husband is a weapons grade twat. He’s shot your confidence to pieces.

Get back in your jacket and back to work ASAP. I would never, ever stay with a man who relishes putting me down, and keeping me down.

Never.

OhamIreally Fri 29-Mar-19 15:23:59

Yes OP do be careful of attempts to sabotage you. Make sure you have cast iron childcare arrangements that do not rely on him for interviews.

fleshmarketclose Fri 29-Mar-19 15:28:49

Mine was "It's not any concern of mine, I'm doing nothing" when I was rushing round like a blue arsed fly preparing for plumbers to put in new central heating whilst he laid on the sofa all day. I realised that he was actually voicing what happened throughout our twenty eight year marriage where I did it all and he did nothing. I got my stuff together and despite him telling me "I'd never manage without him" we had separated within six months. Two years later I am happy and content.

MachineBee Fri 29-Mar-19 15:29:58

OP I’m sorry this happened to you. He is a twat. As others have said, get yourself back to the recruiter and get back to work and get your career back on track. Aim high. The best revenge will be to bag a great job with good pay. Then you will have options for whatever decision you take.

And as for your original question- the phrase that ended my marriage was ‘See - your DSis really doesn’t care about you!’ For context, my BILs cousin had just died (on Xmas Day) and my DSis was her boss. My ExHs comment came when she’d cancelled a get together at our house because she couldn’t face it (understandable) and he’d seen her going out. I couldn't care less how my DSis wanted to deal with everything, but I realised there and then that my ‘D’H was just a cruel and vindictive bastard. I called time on the marriage a few weeks later.

PS - a few years before I’d gone back to Uni to retrain and I remember how my H had tried to make life so difficult for me to do the course and he started with confidence sapping put downs.

Yousignup Fri 29-Mar-19 15:32:42

"If I punched you in the face, which side would your nose splatter on?"
He wouldn't have done it, but it finished our marriage.

Nannewnannew Fri 29-Mar-19 15:33:22

villagesecret I’m so sorry, that is awful.
Hope life is better for you now.😢💐

FetchezLaVache Fri 29-Mar-19 15:34:32

I agree with PP who said that your husband's comment was precisely designed to undermine your confidence. So glad you've decided to have another go.

So, the comment incident was a month ago? How have things been with your H since? I assume not great, as you've posted this today.

And to answer your question, mine was "Fuck you, fuck you, just fuck yourself, fuck off". In front of DS. Because I wouldn't put DS in the bath in the (frankly dangerous) way my ex-husband had just told me to. It took another four months to actually get my shit together and leave, but that was the final nail.

AryaStarkWolf Fri 29-Mar-19 15:36:54

aww OP you sound really down and your confidence seems non existent. I'm glad you've decided to stay with the recruitment. Reading your update it really does seem like your husband is unsupportive and doesn't want you to be his equal. I think you need to either address this with him and try to find away forward or leave

Peridot1 Fri 29-Mar-19 15:40:24

“my biggest regret is not taking the X job”. Marriage not ended yet but that line is the nail in the coffin. DS doing a levels so waiting till after he has finished.

The X job was in a third world country I didn’t want to live in. Having already moved to four countries for his job. Made a life for us all. Supported him. I just looked at him and thought if we want to talk regrets, as the song goes I have a few.

Things haven’t been good for years but I was already realising we don’t want the same things going forward. I also found myself envying a friend whose marriage has ended.

He is a good man really but I just can’t stand the thoughts of staying now. That one comment has made me so so angry.

OP - your DH probably doesn’t have a clue as to what is ‘fashionable’. Mine certainly doesn’t. But it was a horrible comment.

Mopthefloor Fri 29-Mar-19 15:41:42

This is beside the point but even someone as oblivious to fashion as I am knows that the 90s are back!

Things were all but over for us anyway but it was his comment “We should never have had the children” that made me realise that there could be no going back. I still can’t get my head around it.

Myoldtable Fri 29-Mar-19 15:41:49

Your DHfed into your insecurities at a time when you needed maximum support after everything you have beendoing at home. He probably criticised the jacket as the only way of undermining you as he didn’t witness the interview and you had as usual rushed round later and done everything. He is totally selfish, only thinking of himself. You are far less likely to be depressed if you can get a job you enjoy, mix with others outside the home. Then in due course decide about your marriage. Your outfit sounded fine to me

Ratonastick Fri 29-Mar-19 15:45:25

I work in and out of London and am regularly in the City. A black shift and smart jacket sound absolutely standard. Some of the marketing/ad/PR agencies are a bit more casual but even there you see suits and smart dresses for important meetings. Good talent is bloody hard to find at the moment and returning mum’s are coming to be viewed as an untapped pool so this could well be your time. A perfectly standard outfit doesn’t factor in any of that.

To quote a brilliant PP, get your shit in a sock and call the headhunter back!

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner Fri 29-Mar-19 15:45:42

Sounds lovely and classic business attire. He sounds like he wants you to not thrive and prosper. Move forward accordingly. Is he fearful he will have to shoulder more personal and family responsibilities? I expect it’s motivated by his own wants and insecurities, smile N’ wave op, smile N’wave !

MachineBee Fri 29-Mar-19 15:46:08

I posted before I saw your update. I agree with PP that your DH may have an issue with you getting a position more senior than him/better paid than him.

BritWifeinUSA Fri 29-Mar-19 15:46:54

What does your husband know about women’s fashions? Does he work in the fashion industry?

To be honest, if his comment (which was somewhat unkind but not that cruel - he probably thought he was injecting some humor into the situation) got you into such a state that you have withdrawn from the application process and want to end your marriage, you might be too sensitive to deal with the demands and pressures of the job at this point in your life anyway.

I have been through a divorce. It took a lot more than a stupid comment about a jacket for me to leave him.

theresthepurpleline Fri 29-Mar-19 15:47:56

'Ciao you hot babe'. He cc'd me in an email to some woman. To this day I don't know if he did it accidentally or not. He just smirked when I confronted him.

FookMeFookYou Fri 29-Mar-19 15:49:48

Wtf does he know about women's fashion? If he is bringing you down with shit comments then he's an asshole. You are intelligent, capable and have everything in your power to be an independent and confident woman again. Ditch the twat.

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