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To ask what phrase ended your marriage?

(203 Posts)
SealySal Fri 29-Mar-19 13:57:09

My H recently laughed and said “You wore that? The 90’s want their jacket back hahaha”

Background: I used to have a senior and very well paid job. After DD1 was born, I decided to be a SAHM (H fully in agreement and he earns a very good income so no financial pressure). Main reason was that where we live the maternity leave entitlement was very short and I would have had to go back after 3 months, leaving a tiny baby with a stranger. Since then, 4 years have passed and we’ve since had another DD. She’s 10 months old.

A month ago, an old recruiter contact got in touch and asked if I would meet them to discuss a potential role. I was quite excited!! I miss my old self.

Through my own fault (eating too much), I’m 3 stone heavier than I used to be. None of my lovely old work clothes fit, so I ordered some work clothes online that would be suitable for an interview (good high street brand, not very expensive) and thought I looked quite nice. I’m ebf at the moment, so I started to pump milk and arranged a babysitter.

After I’d had the meeting (commute into the city), I rushed home, paid the babysitter and got on with feeding the baby, picking up DD1 from nursery, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, getting both DC bathed and to sleep. Over dinner that night, H pointed at my new jacket on the chair and said “You wore that? The 90’s want their jacket back hahaha. People don’t dress like that anymore”.

I’d worn a black shift dress and a black and white check jacket. Both size 14 and fitted well. My heart broke.

I looked at him and thought, I don’t like you. I’ve made my excuses to the recruiter and pulled out of the interview process. I need to try to regroup my thoughts, which is difficult, as I’m exhausted. I’ve done every night shift in forever and I’ve got PND. I know I can get back to my old self and will work towards that.

Is it crazy to think a sentence can end a marriage?

[Also, I know this is a AIBU board and people can sometimes be quite nasty. Someone will definitely say “first time poster”, but I’ve actually been a member since 2013 and this is a new account with a new email address, so that it isn’t linked to shared passwords with H]

ThePants999 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:00:03

I don't understand - did you pull out of the interview process because of his comment?

Lockheart Fri 29-Mar-19 14:03:27

You might get better advice posting in Relationships OP - AIBU is a bit of a bunfight!

SealySal Fri 29-Mar-19 14:03:31

I did. It’s daft, I now know! His comment squashed my confidence and I obviously looked ridiculous walking through the business district like some old relic

Bananasarenottheonlyfruit Fri 29-Mar-19 14:03:52

If you are planning to end your marriage, you need to get yourself back in that interview process again. You need to secure your financial independence and security.

But, yes, it was a twatty thing of your H to have said.

Anotherdayanotherdollar Fri 29-Mar-19 14:04:01

It's a long time since I've had an interview, and even longer since I knew what style was in fashion, but surely people are wearing these clothes if they're in shops??

HopefulAgain10 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:05:41

That seems like quite an overreaction from you unless theres more to this.

AmIBU123 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:05:46

That comment can be either insensitive or humorous depending on what kind of relationship you have and on any other issues.

DP and I playfully mock one another's choice of clothing at times. We wear what we want. It isn't always to the taste of the other. So no, it wouldn't end my relationship or cause me any upset.

How is the relationship otherwise? I'm wondering if your PND is causing you to react differently to his comment.

Why did you pull out of the interview process?

Solasum Fri 29-Mar-19 14:06:39

Dressing smartly for an interview is absolutely normal in most places, even if it is more casual day to day. Any chance of salvaging things with the recruiter?

blackfriars Fri 29-Mar-19 14:06:41

Can you ring the recruiter and change your mind? Sounds like it would do your confidence good to press ahead with the process.

Agree with PP that if those clothes are in the shops people are wearing them! FWIW I think the outfit sounds lovely.

Notastepparentbut Fri 29-Mar-19 14:07:02

Get back into that interview process and get yourself and job.

He’s a twat.

AmIBU123 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:07:12

And I'm sure you looked fine. You dressed professionally so who gives a crap if anyone likes the style or not. Don't overthink this OP. You sound run down flowers

SleepDeprivedCabbageBrain Fri 29-Mar-19 14:07:53

Of course you didn't look like a relic - if you ordered it online it's probs more stylish than your H knows! Why are you giving him this power over you?

Don't pull out of the interview process, use it as an opportunity to get a bit of practice in, at the very least.

You ARE the old you. You just need some time and space to let that woman shine through. Book that babysitter a bit more often and go and do stuff for yourself flowers.

I'm also 10 months into sleep deprivation and it's hell. Your H might be a twat but this also might not be the most rational time to decide your marriage is done and you'll never work again. Have you seen the Drs about your PND? I'm so sorry you're suffering.

SoHotADragonRetired Fri 29-Mar-19 14:10:24

His comment was designed to do exactly what it did - squash your confidence and stop you getting your power back by getting a new job.

I'm quite sure you looked great. And even if you looked a little dated, who cares? Business wear doesn't change that much and every office is full of people wearing stuff that a judgemental person might call dated.

I don't think it's at all crazy for a sentence to end a marriage. Sometimes you just need one crystallising moment of insight and you get it from a sentence like that. I had a moment like that with an ex and I felt my love for him die, very consciously, right there and then. I blocked him and we haven't spoken since.

You should get out, but the way to do that, tbh, is to get back in work. Do you have the email for the interviewer? Swallow your pride and embarrassment a little and send her an email saying you've rethought things and you are actually still interested in the position if recruitment is still ongoing. If you are a good candidate for a senior role and they haven't made a hire there is a good chance they will let you back in. If it turns out they've filled the position, send feelers out to some recruiters on the quiet and start to get in touch with old work colleagues telling them you are back on the market. DON'T TELL YOUR H. He will try and undermine you again. If one job was interested in you others will be too.

You can do this.

AgentPeggyCarter Fri 29-Mar-19 14:14:14

Ring the recruiter, please, and keep going.

Ditch the husband not the jacket.

Theninjawhinger Fri 29-Mar-19 14:18:33

Oh love, please ring the recruiter and get back out there. His comment was designed to knock you down and stop you in your tracks - pull every ounce of courage you have together and don’t let him do that to you.

And for what it’s worth - your outfit sounds fine, business wear doesn’t really follow normal fashions and even if it did, they are interested in what YOU have to offer, not your wardrobe flowers

Wonkydonkey44 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:22:09

Yes a phrase can end a marriage . Mine was ... ex husband looked me up and down then declared “you think your so fuc*ing beautiful’.
For reference it was a black work dress and heels . It was the final nail in the coffin for our marriage.

KaliforniaDreamz Fri 29-Mar-19 14:34:33

I would try really hard to get yourself back into work, he obviously doesn't value your current contribution, but that aside you will feel better abd he will have to carry the domestic load too and then perhaps he won't be so cocky xxx

crimsonlake Fri 29-Mar-19 14:35:14

That was a terribly impulsive thing to do over one comment, get back in to the process asap. The only one you are spiting here is yourself and your ambitions. It was thoughtless of him, but go show him what you are really made of.

chaosisaladder Fri 29-Mar-19 14:39:11

Does he know you’re struggling with PND? Is this how you normally talk to each other?

There are bigger things at play here. Seems like you’re struggling and there’s inequality in your home life.

To answer your question - it can be all the little things that build up that break the back of a marriage, not just big things.

Bluntness100 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:39:27

I'm really quIte shocked that his comment made you pull out of the process and consider ending your marriage. That's incredibly extreme.

You say you have pnd, are you getting help for this? Could this be something to do with you reaction?

anniehm Fri 29-Mar-19 14:41:34

You bought the clothes new so they can't be that old fashioned! I would wear exactly what you described for an interview!

Topseyt Fri 29-Mar-19 14:42:59

I'm sure the jacket was fine. The husband, not so much.

Why withdraw from the interview process? Call the recruiter now and get straight back into it. Sod what your husband thinks. Secure your own future financially. Fuck him.

Melroses Fri 29-Mar-19 14:44:40

Unless you were being interviewed for a customer facing job in a fashion house (in which case they would probably tell you what to wear for work anyway), I am pretty sure your outfit was smart and appropriate.

I hope you can salvage things with your recruiter.

SoHotADragonRetired Fri 29-Mar-19 14:44:52

It doesn't sound like it was just the comment, Bluntness. OP's post does seem like she has been very much alone and without support in the childrearing and there has been a drip-drip of contempt and disrespect from him, and this just happened to be the comment that made everything click in the OP's head. I could be wrong, but if in fact he's been generally a good husband, I would have expected OP to say so.

And I don't think it's at all surprising that having someone who is meant to love and support you mocking you when you are feeling vulnerable about taking a big step back into the working world after being a SAHM would make your fragile confidence collapse.

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