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To ask what phrase ended your marriage?

(203 Posts)
SealySal Fri 29-Mar-19 13:57:09

My H recently laughed and said “You wore that? The 90’s want their jacket back hahaha”

Background: I used to have a senior and very well paid job. After DD1 was born, I decided to be a SAHM (H fully in agreement and he earns a very good income so no financial pressure). Main reason was that where we live the maternity leave entitlement was very short and I would have had to go back after 3 months, leaving a tiny baby with a stranger. Since then, 4 years have passed and we’ve since had another DD. She’s 10 months old.

A month ago, an old recruiter contact got in touch and asked if I would meet them to discuss a potential role. I was quite excited!! I miss my old self.

Through my own fault (eating too much), I’m 3 stone heavier than I used to be. None of my lovely old work clothes fit, so I ordered some work clothes online that would be suitable for an interview (good high street brand, not very expensive) and thought I looked quite nice. I’m ebf at the moment, so I started to pump milk and arranged a babysitter.

After I’d had the meeting (commute into the city), I rushed home, paid the babysitter and got on with feeding the baby, picking up DD1 from nursery, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, getting both DC bathed and to sleep. Over dinner that night, H pointed at my new jacket on the chair and said “You wore that? The 90’s want their jacket back hahaha. People don’t dress like that anymore”.

I’d worn a black shift dress and a black and white check jacket. Both size 14 and fitted well. My heart broke.

I looked at him and thought, I don’t like you. I’ve made my excuses to the recruiter and pulled out of the interview process. I need to try to regroup my thoughts, which is difficult, as I’m exhausted. I’ve done every night shift in forever and I’ve got PND. I know I can get back to my old self and will work towards that.

Is it crazy to think a sentence can end a marriage?

[Also, I know this is a AIBU board and people can sometimes be quite nasty. Someone will definitely say “first time poster”, but I’ve actually been a member since 2013 and this is a new account with a new email address, so that it isn’t linked to shared passwords with H]

ThePants999 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:00:03

I don't understand - did you pull out of the interview process because of his comment?

Lockheart Fri 29-Mar-19 14:03:27

You might get better advice posting in Relationships OP - AIBU is a bit of a bunfight!

SealySal Fri 29-Mar-19 14:03:31

I did. It’s daft, I now know! His comment squashed my confidence and I obviously looked ridiculous walking through the business district like some old relic

Bananasarenottheonlyfruit Fri 29-Mar-19 14:03:52

If you are planning to end your marriage, you need to get yourself back in that interview process again. You need to secure your financial independence and security.

But, yes, it was a twatty thing of your H to have said.

Anotherdayanotherdollar Fri 29-Mar-19 14:04:01

It's a long time since I've had an interview, and even longer since I knew what style was in fashion, but surely people are wearing these clothes if they're in shops??

HopefulAgain10 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:05:41

That seems like quite an overreaction from you unless theres more to this.

AmIBU123 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:05:46

That comment can be either insensitive or humorous depending on what kind of relationship you have and on any other issues.

DP and I playfully mock one another's choice of clothing at times. We wear what we want. It isn't always to the taste of the other. So no, it wouldn't end my relationship or cause me any upset.

How is the relationship otherwise? I'm wondering if your PND is causing you to react differently to his comment.

Why did you pull out of the interview process?

Solasum Fri 29-Mar-19 14:06:39

Dressing smartly for an interview is absolutely normal in most places, even if it is more casual day to day. Any chance of salvaging things with the recruiter?

blackfriars Fri 29-Mar-19 14:06:41

Can you ring the recruiter and change your mind? Sounds like it would do your confidence good to press ahead with the process.

Agree with PP that if those clothes are in the shops people are wearing them! FWIW I think the outfit sounds lovely.

Notastepparentbut Fri 29-Mar-19 14:07:02

Get back into that interview process and get yourself and job.

He’s a twat.

AmIBU123 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:07:12

And I'm sure you looked fine. You dressed professionally so who gives a crap if anyone likes the style or not. Don't overthink this OP. You sound run down flowers

SleepDeprivedCabbageBrain Fri 29-Mar-19 14:07:53

Of course you didn't look like a relic - if you ordered it online it's probs more stylish than your H knows! Why are you giving him this power over you?

Don't pull out of the interview process, use it as an opportunity to get a bit of practice in, at the very least.

You ARE the old you. You just need some time and space to let that woman shine through. Book that babysitter a bit more often and go and do stuff for yourself flowers.

I'm also 10 months into sleep deprivation and it's hell. Your H might be a twat but this also might not be the most rational time to decide your marriage is done and you'll never work again. Have you seen the Drs about your PND? I'm so sorry you're suffering.

SoHotADragonRetired Fri 29-Mar-19 14:10:24

His comment was designed to do exactly what it did - squash your confidence and stop you getting your power back by getting a new job.

I'm quite sure you looked great. And even if you looked a little dated, who cares? Business wear doesn't change that much and every office is full of people wearing stuff that a judgemental person might call dated.

I don't think it's at all crazy for a sentence to end a marriage. Sometimes you just need one crystallising moment of insight and you get it from a sentence like that. I had a moment like that with an ex and I felt my love for him die, very consciously, right there and then. I blocked him and we haven't spoken since.

You should get out, but the way to do that, tbh, is to get back in work. Do you have the email for the interviewer? Swallow your pride and embarrassment a little and send her an email saying you've rethought things and you are actually still interested in the position if recruitment is still ongoing. If you are a good candidate for a senior role and they haven't made a hire there is a good chance they will let you back in. If it turns out they've filled the position, send feelers out to some recruiters on the quiet and start to get in touch with old work colleagues telling them you are back on the market. DON'T TELL YOUR H. He will try and undermine you again. If one job was interested in you others will be too.

You can do this.

AgentPeggyCarter Fri 29-Mar-19 14:14:14

Ring the recruiter, please, and keep going.

Ditch the husband not the jacket.

Theninjawhinger Fri 29-Mar-19 14:18:33

Oh love, please ring the recruiter and get back out there. His comment was designed to knock you down and stop you in your tracks - pull every ounce of courage you have together and don’t let him do that to you.

And for what it’s worth - your outfit sounds fine, business wear doesn’t really follow normal fashions and even if it did, they are interested in what YOU have to offer, not your wardrobe flowers

Wonkydonkey44 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:22:09

Yes a phrase can end a marriage . Mine was ... ex husband looked me up and down then declared “you think your so fuc*ing beautiful’.
For reference it was a black work dress and heels . It was the final nail in the coffin for our marriage.

KaliforniaDreamz Fri 29-Mar-19 14:34:33

I would try really hard to get yourself back into work, he obviously doesn't value your current contribution, but that aside you will feel better abd he will have to carry the domestic load too and then perhaps he won't be so cocky xxx

crimsonlake Fri 29-Mar-19 14:35:14

That was a terribly impulsive thing to do over one comment, get back in to the process asap. The only one you are spiting here is yourself and your ambitions. It was thoughtless of him, but go show him what you are really made of.

chaosisaladder Fri 29-Mar-19 14:39:11

Does he know you’re struggling with PND? Is this how you normally talk to each other?

There are bigger things at play here. Seems like you’re struggling and there’s inequality in your home life.

To answer your question - it can be all the little things that build up that break the back of a marriage, not just big things.

Bluntness100 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:39:27

I'm really quIte shocked that his comment made you pull out of the process and consider ending your marriage. That's incredibly extreme.

You say you have pnd, are you getting help for this? Could this be something to do with you reaction?

anniehm Fri 29-Mar-19 14:41:34

You bought the clothes new so they can't be that old fashioned! I would wear exactly what you described for an interview!

Topseyt Fri 29-Mar-19 14:42:59

I'm sure the jacket was fine. The husband, not so much.

Why withdraw from the interview process? Call the recruiter now and get straight back into it. Sod what your husband thinks. Secure your own future financially. Fuck him.

Melroses Fri 29-Mar-19 14:44:40

Unless you were being interviewed for a customer facing job in a fashion house (in which case they would probably tell you what to wear for work anyway), I am pretty sure your outfit was smart and appropriate.

I hope you can salvage things with your recruiter.

SoHotADragonRetired Fri 29-Mar-19 14:44:52

It doesn't sound like it was just the comment, Bluntness. OP's post does seem like she has been very much alone and without support in the childrearing and there has been a drip-drip of contempt and disrespect from him, and this just happened to be the comment that made everything click in the OP's head. I could be wrong, but if in fact he's been generally a good husband, I would have expected OP to say so.

And I don't think it's at all surprising that having someone who is meant to love and support you mocking you when you are feeling vulnerable about taking a big step back into the working world after being a SAHM would make your fragile confidence collapse.

willowmelangell Fri 29-Mar-19 14:51:26

I absolutely get this. For me, oddly enough, it was my FIL sneering at my lovely MILs outfit at a family party. In that chilling moment I saw where my H had learned his stock of put-downs and 'jokes' from. I knew then with certainty that I could not put up with another 50 years of sly digs aimed at knocking my confidence. To quote a MNer from a while back, I 'got my shit in a sock' and within 3 months I was gone and within 10 months, divorced.
This Mother's Day, give yourself a gift. A list to 'get your shit in a sock', a financial plan and a career plan.
Good luck x x

MissConductUS Fri 29-Mar-19 15:00:57

Career wear styles don't really change that much. A simple jacket from the 90's wouldn't be radically different from today.

It was a thoughtless, twatish remark, but he probably thought he was being clever and witty.

Mermaidkisses Fri 29-Mar-19 15:04:48

The phrase that ended my marriage was "you never support me! ... throughout our 26 year marriage all I did was support him, to the point that when his business failed and suppliers threatened to knee cap him I let him sell our family home to pay them, effectively making me and our 2 boys homeless ...

villagesecret Fri 29-Mar-19 15:06:07

Daddy, don't hit mummy 😢

Lllot5 Fri 29-Mar-19 15:06:12

Mine flicked water in my face just a little but we were in company and I was humiliated. Definitely beginning of the end. All sorts of other issues came bubbling up less than a year later I ended the marriage.

SealySal Fri 29-Mar-19 15:11:38

Thank you for all of your advice and encouragement. After the meeting, I called the recruiter and used the excuse that it was a bit soon with the baby, but I’m going to call her again on Monday and say that my little one is in a good routine a month on and now I want to throw my hat in the ring again (even if it is a different opportunity to the one we discussed)! I have to believe in myself first and I know I looked smart, even if it was a bit frumpy.

It isn’t a comment in isolation that’s upset me. I felt a definite switch flip in my head though as soon as I’d processed H’s comment. I can’t imagine actually trying to hurt someone like that.

I know it was intended to put me down. We’ve been together a very long time (since uni) and he knows I do focus on how I look and that I feel very uncertain at the moment.

Back when I was working, I was more senior than him (and very independent). Whilst he seemed proud, there was always an issue where he would constantly (always) turn down any attempts at intimacy if I initiated it. I never felt attractive, even though I knew I was (sorry, I really don’t mean that to sound boastful). I think he was making a subliminal effort to make sure I didn’t get too big for my boots!

Now I’m much larger, very tired and have made no attempts to be intimate with him, he’s now presumably needed to find a different put down in the form of hurtful words.

Thank you again. I don’t want to waffle on, but will be making a big effort to move onwards and upwards 😊

SoHotADragonRetired Fri 29-Mar-19 15:17:34

Good luck OP - you can do it - get yourself a great job again and that will do wonders for your confidence and independence. Then you can make your move to get out of this marriage.

I would be as quiet as possible about all this though, because I would lay my last penny that your H will overtly or covertly undermine any move you make that takes you out of his power. Go a bit "grey rock" and try to be boring. Chat about your SAHM activities and don't mention your new job until you've accepted it and got the childcare lined up.

MissConductUS Fri 29-Mar-19 15:18:53

It also sounds like he could feel a bit threatened by the idea of you rejoining the workforce. Perhaps it's that you'd have your own income again, maybe it's concern that he'll have to pitch in more with the baby. Whatever it is, he likes things the way they are now.

I'm sure the jacket looked fine.

Whatthefoxgoingon Fri 29-Mar-19 15:23:58

Your husband is a weapons grade twat. He’s shot your confidence to pieces.

Get back in your jacket and back to work ASAP. I would never, ever stay with a man who relishes putting me down, and keeping me down.


OhamIreally Fri 29-Mar-19 15:23:59

Yes OP do be careful of attempts to sabotage you. Make sure you have cast iron childcare arrangements that do not rely on him for interviews.

fleshmarketclose Fri 29-Mar-19 15:28:49

Mine was "It's not any concern of mine, I'm doing nothing" when I was rushing round like a blue arsed fly preparing for plumbers to put in new central heating whilst he laid on the sofa all day. I realised that he was actually voicing what happened throughout our twenty eight year marriage where I did it all and he did nothing. I got my stuff together and despite him telling me "I'd never manage without him" we had separated within six months. Two years later I am happy and content.

MachineBee Fri 29-Mar-19 15:29:58

OP I’m sorry this happened to you. He is a twat. As others have said, get yourself back to the recruiter and get back to work and get your career back on track. Aim high. The best revenge will be to bag a great job with good pay. Then you will have options for whatever decision you take.

And as for your original question- the phrase that ended my marriage was ‘See - your DSis really doesn’t care about you!’ For context, my BILs cousin had just died (on Xmas Day) and my DSis was her boss. My ExHs comment came when she’d cancelled a get together at our house because she couldn’t face it (understandable) and he’d seen her going out. I couldn't care less how my DSis wanted to deal with everything, but I realised there and then that my ‘D’H was just a cruel and vindictive bastard. I called time on the marriage a few weeks later.

PS - a few years before I’d gone back to Uni to retrain and I remember how my H had tried to make life so difficult for me to do the course and he started with confidence sapping put downs.

Yousignup Fri 29-Mar-19 15:32:42

"If I punched you in the face, which side would your nose splatter on?"
He wouldn't have done it, but it finished our marriage.

Nannewnannew Fri 29-Mar-19 15:33:22

villagesecret I’m so sorry, that is awful.
Hope life is better for you now.😢💐

FetchezLaVache Fri 29-Mar-19 15:34:32

I agree with PP who said that your husband's comment was precisely designed to undermine your confidence. So glad you've decided to have another go.

So, the comment incident was a month ago? How have things been with your H since? I assume not great, as you've posted this today.

And to answer your question, mine was "Fuck you, fuck you, just fuck yourself, fuck off". In front of DS. Because I wouldn't put DS in the bath in the (frankly dangerous) way my ex-husband had just told me to. It took another four months to actually get my shit together and leave, but that was the final nail.

AryaStarkWolf Fri 29-Mar-19 15:36:54

aww OP you sound really down and your confidence seems non existent. I'm glad you've decided to stay with the recruitment. Reading your update it really does seem like your husband is unsupportive and doesn't want you to be his equal. I think you need to either address this with him and try to find away forward or leave

Peridot1 Fri 29-Mar-19 15:40:24

“my biggest regret is not taking the X job”. Marriage not ended yet but that line is the nail in the coffin. DS doing a levels so waiting till after he has finished.

The X job was in a third world country I didn’t want to live in. Having already moved to four countries for his job. Made a life for us all. Supported him. I just looked at him and thought if we want to talk regrets, as the song goes I have a few.

Things haven’t been good for years but I was already realising we don’t want the same things going forward. I also found myself envying a friend whose marriage has ended.

He is a good man really but I just can’t stand the thoughts of staying now. That one comment has made me so so angry.

OP - your DH probably doesn’t have a clue as to what is ‘fashionable’. Mine certainly doesn’t. But it was a horrible comment.

Mopthefloor Fri 29-Mar-19 15:41:42

This is beside the point but even someone as oblivious to fashion as I am knows that the 90s are back!

Things were all but over for us anyway but it was his comment “We should never have had the children” that made me realise that there could be no going back. I still can’t get my head around it.

Myoldtable Fri 29-Mar-19 15:41:49

Your DHfed into your insecurities at a time when you needed maximum support after everything you have beendoing at home. He probably criticised the jacket as the only way of undermining you as he didn’t witness the interview and you had as usual rushed round later and done everything. He is totally selfish, only thinking of himself. You are far less likely to be depressed if you can get a job you enjoy, mix with others outside the home. Then in due course decide about your marriage. Your outfit sounded fine to me

Ratonastick Fri 29-Mar-19 15:45:25

I work in and out of London and am regularly in the City. A black shift and smart jacket sound absolutely standard. Some of the marketing/ad/PR agencies are a bit more casual but even there you see suits and smart dresses for important meetings. Good talent is bloody hard to find at the moment and returning mum’s are coming to be viewed as an untapped pool so this could well be your time. A perfectly standard outfit doesn’t factor in any of that.

To quote a brilliant PP, get your shit in a sock and call the headhunter back!

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner Fri 29-Mar-19 15:45:42

Sounds lovely and classic business attire. He sounds like he wants you to not thrive and prosper. Move forward accordingly. Is he fearful he will have to shoulder more personal and family responsibilities? I expect it’s motivated by his own wants and insecurities, smile N’ wave op, smile N’wave !

MachineBee Fri 29-Mar-19 15:46:08

I posted before I saw your update. I agree with PP that your DH may have an issue with you getting a position more senior than him/better paid than him.

BritWifeinUSA Fri 29-Mar-19 15:46:54

What does your husband know about women’s fashions? Does he work in the fashion industry?

To be honest, if his comment (which was somewhat unkind but not that cruel - he probably thought he was injecting some humor into the situation) got you into such a state that you have withdrawn from the application process and want to end your marriage, you might be too sensitive to deal with the demands and pressures of the job at this point in your life anyway.

I have been through a divorce. It took a lot more than a stupid comment about a jacket for me to leave him.

theresthepurpleline Fri 29-Mar-19 15:47:56

'Ciao you hot babe'. He cc'd me in an email to some woman. To this day I don't know if he did it accidentally or not. He just smirked when I confronted him.

FookMeFookYou Fri 29-Mar-19 15:49:48

Wtf does he know about women's fashion? If he is bringing you down with shit comments then he's an asshole. You are intelligent, capable and have everything in your power to be an independent and confident woman again. Ditch the twat.

BIWI Fri 29-Mar-19 15:50:28

Well @SealySal this is one of the fastest ways to lose weight! Get rid of him and you'll be several stones lighter!

What a nasty thing for him to say. And good luck to you. Go out and get that job flowers

KOKOtiltomorrow Fri 29-Mar-19 15:51:31

@SealySal Back when I was working, I was more senior than him (and very independent). Whilst he seemed proud, there was always an issue where he would constantly (always) turn down any attempts at intimacy if I initiated it. I never felt attractive, even though I knew I was (sorry, I really don’t mean that to sound boastful). I think he was making a subliminal effort to make sure I didn’t get too big for my boots!

OMG! This is like an epiphany moment for me....this is EXACTLY what happened with me and stbxh! I had this thought lurking in my head for years but couldn't quite put it into words - but this is it exactly. I am going to print this off and carry it around to read every time I think I miss the fekker. Thank you.

And I agree what he did was awful - its not just the words, its the fact that he put down something so important to you in a mean and callous way. It actually sounds quite sneering. As others have said, if you ordered the clothes recently, they cannot be that out of sync with today. A black shift dress and a black and white checked jacket sounds totally fine for an interview - I did a quick Google and literally hundreds came up from Ys St laurent to Next to Miss Guided!!

People are thinking one phrase is not enough to end a marriage....maybe better to phrase it as the straw that broke the donkey's back. Maybe you should be saying to him "the 50s called, they want their misogynistic, bullying, self centred, insecure attitude back"! Time for some serious soul searching Sealy.

LuckyLuckyWoman Fri 29-Mar-19 15:52:47

I wore a dress and jacket combo this morning. I felt great, which is all that matters to me.

I too think he is trying to knock your confidence, sod him!

Iamblossom Fri 29-Mar-19 15:53:19

if you bought the clothes recently from a high street brand I would expect them to be in fashion! Who is your husband Gok Wan? What does he know?

Very hurtful thing to say but maybe it stems from his own insecurities about you going back to work. You would be in your rights to pull him up on it and tell him he was totally out of order, but unless there are other more deep rooted issues with your marriage, I think you are over-reacting.

Atalune Fri 29-Mar-19 15:56:52

I just came online to say-

Your husband is obviously an idiot for all of the above reasons laid out above.

But- duh- the nineties are BACK! He has no fashion nous at all. I know that that isn’t the point at all, but please please wear that jacket and dress with aplomb!

MollysLips Fri 29-Mar-19 15:57:34

He's the idiot here - 90s and 00s clothes are all back in fashion now. I'm nearly 50 (sob) and I keep seeing clothes in the shops now that are exactly what I wore when I was a 20-something career girl.

Disfordarkchocolate Fri 29-Mar-19 16:01:30

Bloody hell, I've just got rid of my 90's clothes! To be honest I would never have fitted into them. Look after yourself because it sounds like you'll need too.

Iamblossom Fri 29-Mar-19 16:04:57

@WonkyDonky what your husband said to you would make me leave too. Vicious, contemptuous, and from a nasty nasty place. What a C**T. How could you say that to someone you are supposed to care about?

(Sorry not dismissing the other comments that are descriptions of actual violence but I read WonkyDonky's and just though jeez, that's evil).

driftingcloud Fri 29-Mar-19 16:09:21

Mine is ending due to "I wish you were dead" in front of our 4 year old.

blackteasplease Fri 29-Mar-19 16:19:44

Sounds like a perfect normal thing to wear to me to.

He was just being horrible and trying to put you down.

If I were you I'd try to get back in touch with the recruiter.

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes Fri 29-Mar-19 16:20:00

'The problem with women is you know your rights these days. If you didn't know your rights you'd be happy'

Capricornandproud Fri 29-Mar-19 16:20:47

One sentence can absolutele end a marriage - or signal the moment of a single realisation about the person you’ve ended up with. I remember the first time I did exactly the same thing you did and just had one stunning but very simple realisation of ‘I don’t like you’ about my ex husband. I was shocked but it was the start of a path of very clear thinking. We didn’t split for a very long time afterwards but it was the best thing all round x

Bookvan Fri 29-Mar-19 16:21:12

He worked shifts. I'm self employed and looked after kids and worked around his shifts and his sleep. Nightmare trying to fit in enough hours at work.

He got offered a 4 week course meaning he would work 9-5. Didn't discuss it with me, just announced it one day. When I asked how I was meant to do any work, his reply...
"Dunno. You'll figure it out" and promptly fell asleep.

I figured I'd be better off without someone so self centred and selfish. It took a few months, but I'm so much happier and have a new dp who is genuinely supportive of my work.

Justaboy Fri 29-Mar-19 16:23:54

County court setting,

Judge: I reckonn a half a million pounds will be the sum!.

Me: "How fucking much;!"

AryaStarkWolf Fri 29-Mar-19 16:31:18

'The problem with women is you know your rights these days. If you didn't know your rights you'd be happy'

Fucking hell, really?

oooerrmissus Fri 29-Mar-19 16:31:43

'You're so selfish. Why can't you be happy for your friend? It's not all about you.'

For context, I had just had a miscarriage that put me in hospital. It still wasn't actually complete at the time. A friend phoned to say they were pregnant and I cried. Then he said that to me.

I have mentally left the relationship but not physically summoned the courage to go as worried about the effect on DCs.

jessicawessica Fri 29-Mar-19 16:31:51

"I need all the wardrobe space in the bedroom so you'll have to find somewhere else to hang your stuff".
Said to me on the day we moved into our new house to "make a fresh start".

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Fri 29-Mar-19 16:34:07

You know... you need to get your mojo back, what is putting you down is that you sacrificed everything for him, from a career that was a big part of your identity to your financial independence for an arse who seeks to put you down the moment you try to regain it. You have just realised he is not worthy of such sacrifice.

Weeomen are trained either by example or expectation that it is our role to support our husbands and sacrifice ourselves in the alter of the family even if we are better positioned to provide for that family not only financially but emotionally.

The good news OP is that allyour self esteem many start to come back very soon and you may even realise that your PND it is not so but the unhappiness created by having to put up with someone who puts you down, one way or another, all the time.

AryaStarkWolf Fri 29-Mar-19 16:46:53

oooerrmissus that's so heartless, I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry you're still stuck with this man. I hope you find the strength to leave

jessicawessica Really?? I assume you're not still with this guy, what did you say to that? bloody hell

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes Fri 29-Mar-19 16:46:52


Yes really.

Said because I hadn't done his washing. He wasn't working. Wasn't helping in the house. I paid for everything. Told him to do his own washing, he said he'd been 'too lenient' with me, and then the bullshit about me knowing my rights. Took me 3 months to get ready to leave.

Controlling, abusive, misogynistic arsehole. Still trying to put myself back together 2 years later. Its a hard thing to realise you've been abused by the man you love for 15 years. And an upward climb getting free. But so worthwhile, even on the hardest days.

AryaStarkWolf Fri 29-Mar-19 16:49:25

he said he'd been 'too lenient' with me

omg reading that has me raging, who the hell does he think he is?? I'm so glad you left

FetchezLaVache Fri 29-Mar-19 16:49:27

OP, how did your husband react when you told him you'd pulled out of the interview process?

daisychain01 Fri 29-Mar-19 16:56:23

The comment he made was nothing to do with women's fashion and everything to do with put-down and belittling you, OP.

I felt a definite switch flip in my head though as soon as I’d processed H’s comment.

I had exactly this switch flipping phenomenon with a long term relationship and the comment was careless, insensitive and designed to cut deep. I've never felt so liberated than when I span on my (kitten)heels and walked away!

Get back on the interview circui, you can do it - and if the H can't cope with your success, then get shot!

Itssosunny Fri 29-Mar-19 17:01:44

OP, the reason he made those comments was because if jealousy. He is fine with you as a SAHM and it suits him. Now you want to change the family routine. You have become excited about this interview like new you. So instead of encouragement he told you something to make you feel down.
Good luck with the future job interview!

Itssosunny Fri 29-Mar-19 17:04:06

OP, you're financially dependant on him. He feels important and in control. You go to work and he isn't above you anymore.

SilverySurfer Fri 29-Mar-19 17:10:54

Not the words you expect from someone who is supposed to love and support you. Good luck with the interview.

Mine was from a long-term live in partner: 'I'm leaving because I've found someone who can give me what you can't - children.' This from a man who knew from early in the relationship that I couldn't have children and who swore he had zero interest in having any. That hurt.

TooManyPaws Fri 29-Mar-19 17:23:16

"if you get pregnant, you won't see me for dust". I never forgot that and it was always in the background until I finally dumped him.

VeryLittleOwl Fri 29-Mar-19 17:23:56

Sounds like you had your straw that broke the camel's back moment flowers

Mine was when ExH said to me 'I'm damn well going to take my marital rights while I still have them.'

DIZZYTIGGER87 Fri 29-Mar-19 17:30:40

"Either we get engaged or we break up"
I was 20, he was 21. At different uni's. He was uncomfortable that I had lots of male friends...he was also f*cking his best mates girlfriend.

He did this hours before I was due to go out with friends because I had said that I was going when he didn't want too.

I really hope that you manage to get back into the interview process. It sounds like this may have been the straw that broke the camel's back. X

JenniferJareau Fri 29-Mar-19 17:33:40

It also sounds like he could feel a bit threatened by the idea of you rejoining the workforce.


He is used to being the breadwinner and feeling somehow cocky because of that, he does not want to lose that feeling.

Imoan123 Fri 29-Mar-19 17:34:10

Beginning of the end for me was when DH revealed sex of baby when we'd agreed to keep it between ourselves, then was born 36 plus 5 so had to stay in for 48 hours as DC premature, DH refused to stay the 2nd night in hospital because bed was uncomfortable, then at 5 days old DC ended up in SCBU for 48 hours DH refused to stay either night (we had a family room) as pillows deflated. Showed he didn't give a crap about me and may needed his support, took me another 5 months to send divorce papers.

Lweji Fri 29-Mar-19 17:38:06

Mine was a bit more serious than that, but I can understand if it's the last drop.
Do you think you have true PND or more like Partner Not-good-at-all Depression?

user1486131602 Fri 29-Mar-19 17:38:38

My marriage was the same all the effort none of the care, PND etc.....
You are the old you, but you and your body have done an amazing job by creating and producing 2 beautiful children. So, no matter what your DH says he cannot do that can he? Smart Ass!
How would he know what fashion is? Is he a fashion director, creator, Armani?🤣 No!
I know that his words hurt and crushed you but, take your time, regroup, step outside yourself take an honest look and do whatever you need to to loose the baby weight, perhaps, more walking with the new baby, change your hair and leave the housework, the shit will still be there in the morning! If you can afford to do so, get a cleaner in!
Use some time for YOU.
I spent years doing the same as you, putting everyone first because we as women do. But it's not enough, we need to care for and that's starts with us. It took 9 months to make that child and since you're still feeding, and a few months! So, take it slowly and write every single gain in a journal, for you and only you. Be kind to yourself.
And make that ungrateful husband of yours take a turn with the night feeds, it's his child too!
Sending love and hugs xx

ChicCroissant Fri 29-Mar-19 17:44:13

I’ve got PND.

OP, are you getting any help with this? Keep in touch with the recruiter because your reaction to a comment from your husband - withdrawing from the interview process - is rather disproportionate to what he said and only hurts you, not him.

Onwards and upwards it is, keep on the jobsearch OP!

Memphisblue Fri 29-Mar-19 17:44:56

Mine was when I was coming home from a fortnight stay in hospital after a breakdown and he said “It would have been better if you had killed yourself” I left a year later. Good luck getting a great job and a great life you are a strong capable woman.

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 29-Mar-19 17:46:37

"Is it crazy to think a sentence can end a marriage?"

"It isn’t a comment in isolation that’s upset me. I felt a definite switch flip in my head though as soon as I’d processed H’s comment. I can’t imagine actually trying to hurt someone like that."

Your second comment that I've C&P'ed above conformed what I already thought from your first post. That comment of his was the straw that broke the camel's back, the lens that brought everything into focus. The way you describe it as a switch flipping - I know what you mean, I've experienced it too. There's no way you can ever unflip it. It's permanent.

So yes, a sentence can end a marriage. A sentence that verbalises his utter lack of respect for you most certainly can.

He won't realise it until you make it explicit. He sounds as if he thinks he's got you well under the thumb. This is good; it gives you time to make your plans and get your ducks in a row (gather paperwork, take copies of bank statements, payslips etc.).

Julietee Fri 29-Mar-19 17:49:53

Me: “Shall I get us a slot back at relate?” (Had lost it in an admin error)
Him: ‘no’
I knew then that he didn’t want to fight for us.

Ella1980 Fri 29-Mar-19 17:55:27

My ex-husband's warm and caring phrase when I said I felt I had no choice but to leave him after a decade of emotional and financial abuse: "I leave you penniless, b**ch." That's exactly what he did for five years unfortunately.

CarolDanvers Fri 29-Mar-19 17:58:35

So many but this was the one that made me feel desperate and hopeless. I’d tried to talk to him about me retraining while ds was little so I could get a much better job than the McJobs I had had all my life up till that point. He had a very well paid job so I thought while ds was small was the time to retrain or qualify in something that would give our family much more financial stability. He said “stop going on about retraining! you’ve got a child now, you need to get a little job that fits round him, like cleaning or in a shop”. Nothing wrong with those jobs obviously but I had done them all my life and wanted more and to do better for my child. Then a few days later he signed himself up for a super expensive gym and when I said “well can I join as well?!” He started shouting about he was sick of my money grabbing and it wasn’t fair that he was earning so much and not being able to do anything good without me wanting to grab a piece of it too. I had left my job to have ds at his instigation as he thought “kids should have their Mum at home”. So much more but I think that was really the point where it went beyond repair. Then of course there was the Saga Of The Spinach Bhajee when he told me categorically that he should have more than half of the take away we had ordered as he was a man who needed to eat more and he had paid for it so...

I hate that cunt.

CottonSock Fri 29-Mar-19 17:59:05

I have not read the whole thread sorry, but when I had pnd after my first I thought my marriage (And life) were over. It wasn't.

Craftycorvid Fri 29-Mar-19 18:00:21

Your outfit sounds great. You sound great. Your chap was, as PP have said, having a dig because he felt threatened. You sound worn down by more than one such comment from him and - it would seem you are doing more than your fair share. A comment can speak volumes. The only acceptable thing for him to have said right then would have been: ‘how was the interview?’ Followed by: ‘I’m proud of you, that’s great.’ flowers.

Phineyj Fri 29-Mar-19 18:00:46

Yes, I know what you mean. I had a conversation with my sister that permanently altered our relationship. She had no idea what she'd said. It wasn't anything particularly bad but as people like to say on here, 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'. So, YANBU.

Tilikum Fri 29-Mar-19 18:01:46

What does your husband know about fashion?! The 90s are back, and all the fashionable women at my work are wearing checked jackets; they're everywhere.

It does sound like his comment was designed to undermine you and take your confidence away. You uses to have a high flying job, and you can again. You don't need him swinging like a millstone around your neck.

SosigDog Fri 29-Mar-19 18:04:12

90s clothes are trendy. Retailers are even advertising their clothes as “90s style”. Your DH has no clue!!

Itssosunny Fri 29-Mar-19 18:22:44

There was a thread recently about one lady wanting to keep her baby and her husband being very much against it, threatening her all the time. I wonder if she is alright.

unexpectedgifts Fri 29-Mar-19 18:35:36

That last sentence that finished my marriage, said in front of my primary aged son and a dining room full of diners, 'I want to punch my fist right through your face'.

My crime? I had been playing a quiet (muted) word game on my phone with my son to help my him quietly wait for his food. My (ex) husband wouldn't talk to us so I was killing time until our meal arrived.

Mummy0ftwo12 Fri 29-Mar-19 18:42:06

I can't believe your doing it all on your own - said by a friend.

I have interviewed quite a few people recently, can honestly say that i can't remember what any of them were wearing, and it made no difference at all, what i cared about was their knowledge, their enthusiasm and their confidence - you were awesome at your job before OP, you can be again.

Justaboy Fri 29-Mar-19 19:44:41

SilverySurfer Memphisblue

Those are both unbelivable comments, hopefully your now well rid of those monsters;!

Empra123 Fri 29-Mar-19 19:51:40

Spread your legs. Texted to some other woman. The marriage was dead in the water anyway but that was the kick I needed

user1471453601 Fri 29-Mar-19 19:57:51

Not as shitty as yours op (and his comments were v v shity), but I once ended a relationship when he said "They didn't have the Guardian, so I got you the Telegraph". No going back from that

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