Dear all,
I changed username as I’m not sure what responses I will get.
My FIL and I used to know each other before I even met my DH, because he was a long time friend of my dads.. they haven’t been in touch for a while but he does have all those caring fatherly vibes as he literally knew me since I was born.. but lost touch after.
When I got together with DH, I noticed something that made me feel uncomfortable. My MIL behaved extremely protective of FIL Infront of me. When he talks to me she would glare at him, when I talk to him she makes me feel uncomfortable.., this is simply me saying hello how are you ...
She has tried her best to tell me all his flaws and make out that he is a bad man which I refused to give in to ... things like how as soon as he would pick me and DH up from the airport she would say to me ur FIL makes our lives difficult don’t u agree (Infront of him) and knowing her I know she is exaggerating and so I just awkwardly giggled and said “ I see him as a father figure and wouldn’t say that about him, it’s nothing I’ve witnessed” to which she would escalate and look extremely intimidated.
She hasn’t made many inappropriate jokes to my DH about how I’m the only person that “gets his fathers jokes” and how he needs to be careful that I won’t go fancying his father.... she made DH very uncomfortable....
I am now very conscious of what I wear as I constantly feel judged by her... I once asked him if I could join him in the car to go to the market (it was abroad and no public transport) and there was a very weird odd silence in the room as if I had requested something dodgy.... he accepted of course and looked at his wife for approval... MIL said you won’t want to go with him, he will make your shopping trip hell... to which I refused and said no it would be fine as it’s just a 5 min journey and he is like a father figure.
It has come to a point where FIL is scared to speak to me , if DH calls him to speak to him and I’m sitting next to DH , FIL would call his wife and give her the phone.
My FIL has never been creepy... he is extremely appropriate and polite.. he never has any conversations aside from small talk... things used to be a lot more normal before me and DH got together.
Furthermore, when I first arrived to the airport to visit them with DH, I did the polite thing of hugging MIL and her daughter and when it came to FIL I came to hug him (I didn’t know at that time it was an issue) and he suddenly shrugged away and said no no.. , when my FIl dropped us to the airport , and MIl wasn’t there... I basically just waved goodbye and got going... and then he said, oh come here I’ll give you that hug.
When I had a baby, he had to hide from his wife to call and see my baby via video call and tell me that he wishes me safe recovery..
It’s not like it’s bothering me, but I feel really judged for what should be normal..
To put things into context, my FIL told DH that he things his mum has developed insecurities and mental issues. He seems polite and respects that and doesn’t like to trigger it.. but I think her issues are translating to hostility directed at me as she constantly tries to convince my siblings in law that I have weird intentions to their dad...
Furthermore, due to her issues, I’ve had serious tension with her trying to absolutely control me and my life... DH father has been the only voice of wisdom who told MIL to leave us be.. I saw him as my only hope.. and I genuinely feel like this is why she is painting me as a weirdo to him...
Worthy of mentioning, she has also made my husband believe that it is disrespectful to her that he shall have a relationship with his dad that doesn’t go through her.. my DH is absolutely weird with his dad, if he talks to him on the phone he needs to first check that his mum is there. I can’t explain it.
So my question is... I’ve somehow just played ignorant so far. As I see this as in fact domestic abuse and control over her husband And I’m not happy being part of her gang. I pretend to be ignorant and just say hello to him and I don’t just ignore his messages.. he hasn’t done and never done anything creepy... and in Fact she is making this about my behaviour when the only thing I have done is say the polite hello to him...
Is it wrong that I just don’t see why I should respect her wishes I’m having no relationship with FIL if I’m being totally appropriate ? And that I don’t need her permission ?
AIBU?
Mil suspicious of my relationship with FIL
SchoolOfLife2 · 29/03/2019 13:56
She just sounds like a standard paranoid controlling sort to me op (sadly). Also, quite a few mothers don't like their children to speak to their dad without the mother being present; mine was like this. I used to long to chat to my dad without her eavesdropping... I think she was suspicious that we'd complain about her. Maybe she shouldn't have been such a psycho then 
Anyway. Your MIL sounds similar!
I do look quite a lot like my mother.
But no, my mother did not have an affair with the man 
, and I don’t think she has those kind of suspicions of my mum as she seems to like her (my mum is a very weak beta woman).. they don’t interact a lot and my mum has too much respect for herself to be that sort of woman. I do however believe that my FIL has aloot of “respect” for my mother, not in the slightest sexual way.. but he has previously told My DH that he beleives I was raised by a very good mother who has endured a tough life and remained true to her values... he had said the same to my dad.
She does however say shit about my family to her husband and she does seem to have toxic jealousy issues in general. So I really am inclined to think this is all about her. I was slightly sympathetic in the beginning thinknt it must be FIL.... but I have seen her slag off many women Infront of her DH. Women who think they are her friends...
When I say slag off, she would go to her husband describing their Boobs as “dragging on the floor and saggy” for absolutely no reason. This comment was on a woman who was a wife of his other friend.. he seemed to respect his friend and his lifestyle , nothing at all sexual. I’ve heard her say horrendous things about the women in that family. Or fat shaming. Or after her polite smiles at invites pretending their food was disgusting...
She has issues I believe. Deeply routed ones. So I’m inclined to think it’s all her.. her insecurities are based on her fear and distrust and I’m inclined to think that it wasn’t instigated by FIL either. I’m inclined to think she has an obsession with appearing to be the only woman who is eligible for “respect”.
He simply is not allowed to show any “respect” or “appreciation” of any woman other than her. He has a lot of respect and loyalty to her and in fact he seems to understand her issues and make her feel secure by giving in to her, and he constantly goes around telling everyone how his wife is the best and looks the best and so on.... however it seems to me that he knows what his wife is saying is inappropriate but almost gave up on it.
She is an extremely attractive woman. Extremely successful in her career. Absolutely lacking in nothing, but she feels the need to feel tall by chopping everyone’s Heads off...
I don’t think it’s my business as that’s between her and her husband... but She has tried this approach with my DH - about me and my mother.
I just want to know if it’s best to give into her mental behaviour or to actually treat FIL as a human being, as he is in fact the only sameness parent of my DH and I would like to have his support on many things we are facing..
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