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To feel I shouldn't have children because of my DM

(19 Posts)
lillymunster Fri 29-Mar-19 13:45:41

I don't really know how to explain this succinctly so I'll just write how I feel.
I would really like to have DC but I'm terrified of being a mother like mine was to me. My grandma (her mother) was just like her as well and although I've made a conscious effort all my life to not be like her, I'm scared what if I become like her one day.

She was toxic - domineering, I was terrified of her as a kid, she pushed me so much at school and would tell me what a failure I was if I didn't get the best grades, I was bullied, timid and had no friends, she's always tried to dictate my life choices and got nasty with me when I've made my own. She's hysterical, screams and shouts, talks over me, treats me like a child, is vile about people she doesn't even know, every single thing she says is negative, she can't enjoy anything. I'm currently going through a divorce and was diagnosed with ptsd as a result of my STBXH behaviour (I put up with so much because I didn't appreciate what normal was) but all she can do is tell me how her life has been so much harder than mine if I as much as mention my divorce proceedings. Every problem I've ever had in my life, she has had so much worse. She seems to think she's in a competition to look better than me. She goes on about how attractive she is and how she could have any man she wants. Her comments about things like gay people are vile and she is so prudish, judgmental and damning of people it's horrible to listen to. She can't accept that women can be gay and that's absolutely fine and that some people are bi and that's fine too. If you disagree with her about anything she gets nasty. She shouts at people in the street if she they're doing something they aren't supposed to be.

I am absolutely terrified of ending up with her and I don't want a child to be exposed to her behaviour because I'm scared it would mess them up like it messed me up (clinging on to horrible men, serious MH issues in my early 20s and suicide attempt that should have been fatal given the details).

I worry because it's a genuine possibility that I could be a single parent one day and because I have some physical difficulties, I don't want to be in a position where I'd be reliant on her for help and she'd be having a horrible effect on any children I had. An ex even said to me that if we had any DC he wouldn't want them spending much time with her.

Thank you for reading. I don't feel I can talk to anyone in RL about this because people who have met her don't see that side of her and think she seems nice.

OKBobble Fri 29-Mar-19 13:50:07

You have already recognised the issues and patterns so it is therefore highly unlikely you will be the same.

GreatDuckCookery Fri 29-Mar-19 13:52:42

I know she’s your mum but bloody hell you need to go NC with her. She’s not adding any value to your life.

Wolfiefan Fri 29-Mar-19 13:53:16

Why on Earth are you spending any time with her at all? Break free. Live your own life. Find your own role models. If you decide to have kids then parenting classes or some reading could help you find your way.

Preggosaurus9 Fri 29-Mar-19 13:59:29

She sounds dangerously insane. You do realise there is no need for you to stay in contact with her? You're an adult. You get to decide how you spend your time and who you allow into your life.

You owe her nothing - you didn't ask to be born. Cut her off. Your life will be transformed.

SofaSurfer20 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:01:25

I actually think the fact that youre conscious of your mothers behaviour indicates you wont do the same.

Yayswimming Fri 29-Mar-19 14:03:59

Sounds like you need the stately homes thread OP. I would go no contact- she has a massive negative impact on your life and you need to look after yourself. You can be free of her.

PhoenixMama Fri 29-Mar-19 14:04:16

I have spent the last 2 years in significant therapy dealing with PTSD from the emotional abuse of my childhood - it took me 42 years and a breakdown to realise the extent of the damage.

Even though I didn't fully understand the extent, I have always done everything I can to not parent like her, and I am succeeding. DD and I have a very, very different relationship and I am not my mother. Do I sometimes hear her words coming out of my mouth? Occasionally, but it's easily corrected (and thankfully it's rarely been her nastiness, more silly sayings, etc).

I'll be honest - it hasn't been easy, you have to be very self-aware and examine and identify who and what sort of mother you want to be. This can be hard without a role model (although I also look at the mothers of friends who have good relationships and model those behaviours.)

I read a lot of parenting books (Phillipa Perry's book right now is great) and I've had a lot of therapy - all of which I think is a small price to pay to break the cycle.

The interesting thing for me is that DD (10) can see my mother's behaviour for what it is, she's pointed out the selfishness and self-absorption several times, and I like to think that if she was brought up with that behaviour from me she wouldn't have been able to see it.

I'm sure I'm making my own mistakes along the way, but I'm definitely not mothering like my mother.

Sorry that's so long, I just wanted to reassure that its possible!

Chocolateisfab Fri 29-Mar-19 14:07:38

I am nc with dm. I have dc. Lots. I am nothing like her.
Dc are more than happy with no gps.
Do not allow her to dictate your future... She has fucked up your past - take control of your life op.

lillymunster Fri 29-Mar-19 15:04:53

Thank you everyone for replying and @PhoenixMama I'm so sorry for what you went through. It sounds like everyone who has talked about their own experiences has done amazingly in overcoming what happened and shown so much resilience.
I'm worried if my physical health and mobility get worse how I'd cope, I don't know what sort of help would be available to me in looking after DC if I go NC and then find I'm struggling to manage.

RandomMess Fri 29-Mar-19 17:07:13

You really need to go NC before you have DC as she will emotionally abuse them in the way she has you.

Echobelly Fri 29-Mar-19 17:13:32

You are absolutely not fated to be like your mum. I have always admired my mum because she had a difficult relationship with hers - her mum didn't show affection and was very cold (tragically due to being bereaved of her other children). My mum could have responded by also being cold or being overbearing and smothering, but she never did, she has just always demonstrated her love to her family.

The fact that you are aware of your mother's awful behaviour means you cannot be like her - the only thing to watch out for as a parent is that you don't overly blame yourself or criticise yourself if you lose your temper or shout sometimes, that would be entirely normal and not at all mean you were being like or turning into the same kind of parent as your mother. I am sure there must be books and advice out there for people in your position who are worried about being parents.

stayinghappy Fri 29-Mar-19 17:19:41

I have parents like this. They see my DS once a week supervised by me. I can't complain to them about anything as they have it worse. I never ask advice which is hard, as sometimes I need some.

I do see some patterns in my parenting, but I fight against them. The hardest thing is when I'm tired and being pushed and pushed and I want to react how I've been used to seeing. But I know it's wrong. I often have to get out of the room and take very deep breaths.

TansyViola Fri 29-Mar-19 17:26:15

As long as you recognise that how your mother was was wrong, (and you do) you can be a different mother yourself.
I know it's possible because i have a much better relationship with my dc (eldest is 14) than i did with my mother.
While they've grown up I've often thought of things she did and said and thought that i could never behave like that to my kids and i haven't

IsAStormApporaching Fri 29-Mar-19 17:34:45

My dm's mother was emotionally and physiologically abusive to her 4 children.
My dm made a conscious decision that if she was ever blessed with children she would not be like that.
And to me she has been a wonderful mother to me and is now a fantastic gran to my 2 dc. She is my best friend.
The fact you are conscious of this shows you would strive to be better than you mum.

AnnieMay100 Fri 29-Mar-19 17:37:17

Going by your post you are nothing like her. Don’t let her be the reason you are put off from having children she doesn’t deserve to take any part of your life away form you anymore. My mother is similar and we have a very difficult hostile relationship, I have minimal contact and I’m happier for it. She was no support during my divorce and spent all her time with my niece when my children were upset about the changes and needed people around them. I know I’m a Better mother than mine was to me, I made sure to do everything the opposite and I have lovely children that I’m pretty confident won’t have ptsd from their childhood. Hold your head high and be proud of what you have been through and how strong you are. You’ll be a great mum when the time comes.

whatsnewchoochoo Fri 29-Mar-19 17:37:34

Your mum sounds like my grandma. But my mum is officially the worlds best mum (and I had no contact with my grandma as a child) so please don't assume you'll be the same as your mum

mindutopia Fri 29-Mar-19 17:41:14

My dh and I both had dysfunctional family lives growing up (alcoholism, mental health issues, weird codependency, etc). We have a happy marriage and two happy, thriving dc. We made an intentional choice that that drama stops with us. Our kids have a totally different life than the one we grew up with. The cycle doesn’t have to repeat itself if you make conscious choices about how you parent and set firm boundaries.

MortyVicar Fri 29-Mar-19 18:34:06

I'm worried if my physical health and mobility get worse how I'd cope, I don't know what sort of help would be available to me in looking after DC if I go NC and then find I'm struggling to manage.

A. In all honesty, how much help would she actually be?
B. Would you want her to have any sort of responsibility for your DC?

I suspect the answers are A. very little (and might well use the opportunity to make things even worse for you) and therefore B. no.

What would you really lose if you went NC?

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