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AIBU to expect a friend of 10+ years to have some respect?

(62 Posts)
Smilingwhenrunning Fri 29-Mar-19 13:31:04

I know that there will be dividing views on this and part of this is to get it off my chest but I wanted some perspective or other views because maybe I am being unreasonable but...

I had a fund raiser a few weeks ago for a charity that is supporting my family and do valuable work for many.

Today I shared a post the charity had written about my fund raiser on FB. Now I have received a pm from a friend who I thought was a close and supportive, having a go at me about supporting the charity because they support research that tests on animals. She has sent loads of propaganda about animal cruelty as well.

I am so hurt and so upset about this because, although I understand we all have different views and beliefs, I did not expect to be sent a lot of properganda and hurtful comments about it.

AIBU to expect her to keep it to herself?

NoCauseRebel Fri 29-Mar-19 13:35:48

This is a difficult one. Animal testing is a very emotive topic, and one which people do often feel very strongly about. Having said that, it IMO very much depends on what kind of charity and what kind of animal testing we’re talking about.

E.g. animal testing for medical purposes is different to animal testing for say, cosmetic purposes, even cosmetic surgery as while some surgeries are done in the name of medicine, generally such kinds of surgeries are also done in the name of “vanity” and some people find it difficult to draw that line.

What kind of charity is it and what kind of animal testing is it they promote?

BlueSkiesLies Fri 29-Mar-19 13:38:52

If it is a medical thing then your friend is being U. Like, all medicines are tested on animals aren't they?!

Smilingwhenrunning Fri 29-Mar-19 13:39:25

Without outing myself it's for medical purposes to prolong or even cure the disease.

I am not the biggest lover of the fact that they support that research wrt the animal testing but I am so upset about the fact she has bombarded me with this.

We've been friends for 10 years, she knows what my family is going through and I just feel like she has been massively disrespectful.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Fri 29-Mar-19 13:39:36

Was it 'having a go' or was it trusting that as a friend you would be open to hearing an alternative point of view?
Did she call you names or did she say what she thought and then send a link backing up what she said?

Bluestitch Fri 29-Mar-19 13:40:18

Does that mean she doesn't use any medication or treatment that was tested on animals then?

Smilingwhenrunning Fri 29-Mar-19 13:41:19

No name calling but made it clear that she thought what I was doing was wrong. The posted links

BuzzLightyear1 Fri 29-Mar-19 13:43:03

I am vegan, I do not use any animal products or anything tested on animals. This has been the case for 30plus years. I do not preach about this as people make their own choices. The information is out there IF they want to know.

Cancer research test on animals. If a family member of mine had cancer and their research would save my child, husband, mother, friend... I'd do the testing myself. That's my line. I would do anything to save and help the people I love. Hypocritical? Yes absolutely! But at least I am honest about where by boundary is.

Your "friend" is beyond insensitive and outright nasty imo.
I would tell her to fuck right off and that she does not have a right to an opinion until it's her loved one needing help.

BlueMerchant Fri 29-Mar-19 13:43:16

She's being unreasonable. She should understand it's really not the time to be sending out propaganda.
She has no empathy for you and your family. I'd seriously wonder if I'd see her as a real friend anymore.

Boom45 Fri 29-Mar-19 13:43:50

I do have some sympathy for Animal Rights activists but if my children were sick I'd have absolutely no problem with life saving drugs being tested on animals. Most drugs (probably all) have been tested on animals so for your friend to have a go about medical testing is probably a bit hypocritical - i assume she's been treated for something at some point in her life.

Shinesweetfreedom Fri 29-Mar-19 13:44:51

But do you have some respect for her belief.
I am on her side but would not have the balls to do what she has done,would just not share your post or contribute to it.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit Fri 29-Mar-19 13:46:07

This is no time to be hearing 'an alternative point of view'
It's a bloody awful thing to do given the circumstances.
She's be no friend of mine after that.

Knitclubchatter Fri 29-Mar-19 13:46:38

I think sending the info and her views privately shows she’s a good friend. Being friends doesn’t mean agreeing 24/7.

Boom45 Fri 29-Mar-19 13:46:58

Also. I have a real issue with people sending or posting graphic pictures of animal abuse or animal testing. It's totally unnecessary and disgusting and makes me less likely to engage.

Chocolateisfab Fri 29-Mar-19 13:48:34

I understand op. My family were going through the worst thing imaginable and on a visit from dm she started lecturing me on the fact our fish was living alone!! Perhaps your friend is similar in having zero empathy or giving zero fucks about anyone else's priorities?
I disagree with animal testing but still used meds that have likely been tested.
Doesn't everyone?

OKBobble Fri 29-Mar-19 13:48:51

Send her a pm back enclosing information about how some people are insenstive twats.

Piffle11 Fri 29-Mar-19 13:49:32

I think your 'friend' is definitely out of order and massively insensitive. I would tell her so, too, and I wouldn't be contacting her again. My DS has a severe condition: whilst it's not life-threatening, it is certainly affects us all on a day-to-day basis and there isn't a cure. A while ago a 'friend' of mine said something derogatory about him to me, in a very flippant way … I told her that I wasn't impressed and I got the feeling she thought I was over reacting. No apology, and her attitude never really improved. We are no longer friends, as I can't be around someone who has so little regard for me, my family, and our feelings.

Divgirl2 Fri 29-Mar-19 13:52:21

I take it she's never used condoms or post it notes or Vaseline? They were all tested on animals. So was Kleenex, paracetamol, Tampax.

The list of things in her cupboard that were tested on animals is probably lengthy.

floribunda18 Fri 29-Mar-19 13:58:05

She sounds pretty thoughtless.

weebarra Fri 29-Mar-19 13:58:40

For me it's a no brainer. I had cancer 5 years ago and had chemo.
If I hadn't I would be dead, leaving 3 children, the youngest of whom was 8 weeks old, motherless.
Cosmetics, no but medical treatment, yes.

Smilingwhenrunning Fri 29-Mar-19 14:00:27

Thank you all.

shine I do support her and have done numerous times. I have run with her in vegan runs and attended her fundraisers despite not being a vegan or agreeing in the 'preaching' she and her 'crew' participate in.

I absolutely agree that we have our own views and that being a good friend isn't about always agreeing and as I've said I don't like the fact the fund the research, however, this isnt really about my friend not agreeing with me its about her being insensitive.

I am not going to reply to her at the moment as I feel so upset by it. But I think I will. Atleast to let her know how much she's upset me.

dontgobaconmyheart Fri 29-Mar-19 14:00:42

Tricky one OP, to be honest I think you've let your immediate anger get the better of you a bit. Yes it may very I'll considered timing, and unnecessary on her behalf but she is entitled to a viewpoint, and lots of people would agree with her re:animal testing, or even certain types of fundraising re: the distribution of monies raised or the amount the charity actually uses directly for projects.
From her perspective has she sent 'propaganda' or has she just sent some things which she believes, or are true even
over to you because she thinks it demonstrates what she's saying and in some sense thinks you would want to know.
Are the comments she's made really hurtful, or have they just hurt you because it is a very sensitive time? By criticising this I don't necessarily think she is criticising your family, the ill party, or suggesting anything in particular about that situation, which is what I assume is causing the crux of the offence.

Is she a long standing or close friend? Does she live a fully vegan ethical lifestyle where humanly possible at home? How rude/aggressive was she- these are all factors.

You sound like you very reasonably have a lot on your plate OP and could do without this upset. I'd politely tell her it's a sensitive subject for you, you've heard her views but don't want to discuss them again, and agree to disagree on lifesaving medicines and animal testing. Seems a shame to be arguing or losing a friend over when so much is going on. You don't even necessarily disagree is the silly thing, of course ideally there would be no animal testing for medicine, but if there is an extenuating circumstance that justifies it, this would be it surely. Best wishes for your affected family too OP flowers

irregularegular Fri 29-Mar-19 14:03:22

I don't think the issue is whether her view is right or wrong. She is perfectly entitled to it. I also think it is not inherently unreasonable for her to share it with you. I think it all depends on the tone. Was it really "having a go" in a rude, insulting way. Or just giving her view and some information.

Having said that, if you are going through a difficult time as a family and this organization is helping you, then I think she should err on the side of staying quiet. Different if you were fundraising for it without being personally affected.

HolyForkingShirt Fri 29-Mar-19 14:05:58

All medicine has to be tested on at least 2 species of animal by law. That's the regulatory agencies that decide that, so companies like Cancer Research/pharma have no option if they ever want their medicine to go to market!

She should lobby the FDA/EMA/MHRA/government rather than having a go at you or even Cancer Research about it.

irregularegular Fri 29-Mar-19 14:07:51

I think you should tell her that you respect her views but hope she will understand that you find them hurtful to read in the circumstances. I wouldn't let it get in the way of a long friendship unless she persists in being insensitive. Give her a chance for now.

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